CBC Tuesday Night Basketball

Originally posted on Facebook ... But for the sake of this being a collection of my college years, I'll post here too.

Add this to my confusing pile of extremely wordy thoughts about my journey with this game called basketball and how God's sanctified and is sanctifying me through it despite a past I'd rather forget. Preface ... If you're not a fan of basketball specificallyor sports, not sure if you'll be able to relate and you may think by the end of this "dang dawg, you need counseling fool. Find a new hobby." But for anyone who's ever had a real zeal for any hobby, it's not too far a stretch from other common hobbies. But anyway, this is more for those who love God's gift of basketball like I do. Preface aside ...

I just got back from playing basketball at my church tonight (If you wanna come ... lemme know on my wall or something ... haha, don't let this post scare you from coming. It is indeed pretty fun and if nothing else you can trash talk to Mark Choi and laugh at Devin ... I do anyway). Well anyway ... Tonight is your typical night of Tuesday night basketball at CBC. It has scared off a number of people because of the aggressiveness that happens there as well as other things this post will get to ... Let's just say it's not "after-church ball." The people are different, the environment and tone is different and people don't smile as much ... haha. Sometimes there's altercations which are handled ... But anyway, as one of the youngest guys there, today I saw 20-40 year olds, grown men some even related, bicker, throw deliberate elbows, and perform takedowns all in effort to put a ball in a basket all as if to scream "I'M BETTER THAN YOU. I'M MORE POWERFUL." I don't normally use metaphors like the one I'm about to use but it was very king of the hill with one lion trying to show that his roar is more fear-instilling, while another lion trying to prove who's really more powerful. Some of these guys almost like beat their chest to show they're more than ready to mix it up and show who's more of a "man." In those moments my mind goes something like this ... "GROW SOME BALLS! You're older than me and here you are yelling at your nephew over a game that none of us are really any good at!" (the score was like freakin 1-2 after 15 minutes or so). Anyway, by grace nothing gets out of hand and as the man left the gym I see on his face that look that I know all so freakin well.

My history at Tuesday night basketball at Chinese Baptist Church has not been ... well a good one. My track record would depict a total pompous young kid who thought he was better than everyone. Thing is, while I was still in high school, there'd be countless nights where I'd leave that building I'd pretty much call my home with that same exact expression as that man, with that intense "I want to punch something/someone" rage. And as I would get in the car, I would not be able to take any kind of worship music being played. I'd turn it down and drive home quiet. And in those drives home there would well inside me a real angsty rage for not being able to attain something ... something I'd been reaching and working my *expletive* (lol) off for, something i'd dedicated, something i'd earned and yet I would always somehow fall short and hit some kind of ceiling. I was just so effing pissed that I could never find satisfaction in this sport that I'd grown up loving. I hated it and like a drug I would keep going back to it every tuesday, every wednesday, every sunday, every chance I could. Guess you could say basketball was my crack and like any other addiction ... No matter how much everything in your body and soul cries that it's killing you, you continue to drink the poison. The most vivid feeling I remember of those days was that walk back to my car and feeling a ridiculously weighty feeling of total emptiness. Like just sheer nothingness. I absolutely hated that feeling. I never wanted to feel that again and every tuesday it would come back ... The rage would turn to angst and the angst might have even turned to tears as the conclusion would set in that on that court Jon Lau was becoming exactly who for so long he was afraid of becoming ... an angst-y kid who never grew into a man, having not recovered from the fact that he was not getting what he felt he was owed. I deserved to be the hotshot, best player there and everywhere I went. I put the work in. I loved it more. I knew it more. I studied it more. These fools don't know it like I do. They think it's just about and1 mixtape crap or using the sport for something else. And you have absolutely no handle anyway! You freakin carry the ball every time you fake! (okay I'm just being honest with where my heart's at). In the end, I immensely struggled with questioning why I wasn't good enough to have made a high school team when I'm watching people on the football team with no knowledge, skill or love for the game log starter's minutes. I'd tear these guys up in PE haha so what the freak gives? I felt like it was owed me and I was pissed that no matter how much I practiced and proved to myself and my peers that I could play, I wasn't good enough. I was pissed that God would continually not allow me to make some form of team y'know? And with every affirmation from friends and peers and the question "are you on the basketball team? oh, really? why not?" I would subtly get more and more angry. At this point I'm not sure if this can relate to the background of that man that left the gym the way I would always leave but I don't think it's too far of a stretch.

and I'm thinking ... Even though everything in me wants to scold that man who's probably more than twice my age to "GROW UP! You're supposed to be teaching us," the more I see that it's not so thin of line to see Jon Lau as the exact same person. I have been for more than a decade ... and still struggle a lot with some kind of craving to be this to attain that as if to prove something to everybody, or maybe even myself. And as I left that same familiar building tonight, something (Let's just say the 3rd person of the Trinity naw mean?) preached to me: "If not for Jesus, you are that man Jon. If not for God's patience on your evil, stubborn, idolatrous heart you are him."

I'm about to turn 21 (woohoo ...) and this guy I'm describing is probably in his forties (and dang he's pretty freakin built for his age haha). But this is where it gets hard ... It's like I hear someone yelling in my ear "Do you think I've aligned all the circumstances of on Tuesday nights, having those particular guys and their own baggage in that same particular gym you went to every Sunday for 20 years just for you to get a couple of buckets and feel good about yourself? Grow some balls Jon. You will never be good enough. That's the whole point of the cross! Grow up."

The thing about the cross of Jesus Christ is that it leaves absolutely no room to boast and absolutely no room to pity yourself. More than anything it creates ... It pushes and pulls. It sanctifies. What a truth that hurts: If not for Jesus, you are that man Jon. Despite the fact that this guy has unjustly rustled your own feathers and offended your own brother and friends for no reason, love him. Talk to him. Pray for your "enemy" and his salvation. These kinda guys are not outside of the flock.

"In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins" (1 John 4:10).

I don't even know this guy's name. I think he might have the same last name as me though haha. But if you stumble upon this, especially you ballers, please pray for God to bring guys like this to our gyms and pray for God to show them the beauty of His own perfection. There are countless men all over the areas God's placed us who are no different than him and if not for grace we are these guys. God, for the sake of Your name, save.

Jesus and us young guys.

At the end of the day, having stripped away all the theologies and the record of all that "I" have accomplished, I've just got to see and understand who this Jesus is. I've only caught glimpses and if it's wrecked my life this much for joy, how jacked up in joy could I possibly be if I actually stop wasting my time chasing after empty things that will only leave me empty and instead pursue Jesus to get more Jesus?

One thing I notice about me and my generation of young Christian men thinking of entering full-time vocational ministry and the direction we're headed ... is that we're lured oh soooo subtlely into chasing man's approval over everlasting satisfaction. Of course we've been around enough Christians to know how to dodge that accusation but I can't help but feel myself soo enamored at the thought of being thought of as someone great. It's like Genesis 11:4 all over again where the thought of being thought of as a great theological mind, or a great speaker, or a great evangelist or w/e it is with us that makes our hearts turn God from being the end to which we strive for to becoming the means to get something else. All of us young guys are turning guys like Piper and Driscoll and Chandler into our idols ... And if you're not reading/listening to them, then you're not as good as me ... That's the mentality I feel looming around us young guys considering ministry ... Where we separate people who have completed reading Desiring God from guys who haven't ... And all the sudden you have a lot of us trying to preach like Chandler or Driscoll in contexts that make no sense. I've struggled with this the moment I was exposed to Godly men such as the ones I've named and my flesh continually wrestles with this even after God's beat the idea of "Christian Hollywood" out of my brains these past 2 years.

I've found it humiliating how often the longings of my heart are bent towards wanting people's admiration as opposed to chasing Christ alone as the ends to which everything else is a means ... It reminds me of Jesus' teachings on how to pray and fast ... how he cautions "And when you pray, you must not be like the hypocrites. For they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, that they may be seen by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward" (Matthew 6:5) and again "And when you fast, do not look gloomy like the hypocrites, for they disfigure their faces that their fasting may be seen by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward" (Matthew 6:16). Ministry is one of the most dangerous covers for using God to get His stuff. Jesus rebukes this train of thought and instead instructs to pray and fast to "your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you." The question this text begs for us is whether or not we do all the ministry stuff only when we're on stage and people are watching. Even our reading of the Bible or other books or listening to sermons can be wrongly targeted for the sole purpose of being able to teach/preach well instead of relishing in the presence of God himself. What a danger. I'm scared for us ... and what Jesus might say to us who do religious things to get God's stuff instead of God (Matthew 7:21-23).

God's killing this "Christian hollywood" nonsense in me and I feel like He's beat a heck of a lot of it out but there's still a lot of junk left. There's just this lure that smells sooooo good and looks soooo good but in the end leads to death. For whatever reason, the realm of ministry doesn't magically negate us from following line for line like Genesis 3. It was a foolish thing to think it did. Our only hope is God's response to our offense ... Jesus, thank you for enduring the cross. Help us.

... Get it Lecrae:

"I know I tell lies I know I do dirt
Apart from you I'm nothing but you can give me worth
I don't know if I know you But still I know I should
I know the days are evil and only you are Good
Ive come to this conclusion I would like to change
cause all the worlds money and fame cannot sustain
I know that I should turn but thats the hardest thang
cause do I really feel that havin' Jesus is my gain
the world is so tempting Satan is a beast
he hypnotizes my eyes to say the least
But Jesus be my treasure to know you is live
and I am here dying trying everything there is
All I need here is you help me turn away from sin
Lord give me grace to turn away and the fear not to give in
I know that I'm not perfect but if I could rest in Him
I know I don't deserve it but still I'll take your hand
Lord let me take your hand"
-"Breathin' To Death" by Lecrae

Summer 2010

Sometimes you don't know what's become your idol until it's taken away and you don't dismiss the immediate reactions of your heart.

I'm finding a lot more wickedness in this heart than I wanted to know.

"This Is War"

"Recovery"

Haven't written one of those long posts in a while. Here it goes:

I haven't been as good at this as in the arena of music, but I've learned to try to get as many things that stir my heart for the beauty of Christ around me as possible. And one of those things is angst-y music.

Last Friday, July 18, Eminem came out with his new album "Recovery." I've been giving it a couple of listens and there's something going on in it whenever I hear him spit what's really on his heart. I know that like 95% of my circle of Christian friends would not even be able to listen to more than the first two tracks of Em's album without going "ew" or "geez, Jon, this isn't healthy for you man" or just be overwhelmed with the profanity in the songs. Ya, he does drop more f-words and "Mature-rated" lyrics than most of our Christian community is comfortable with. I get the warning and I take it with sincere caution because there are songs I myself just skip now ... but ya. The title of his album, "Recovery" started as a project to be a sequel of a previous album, but he changed the title, not particularly stating in an interview why, but probably to just let the music answer that question. I haven't listened to it a lot but from what I can take of what I've heard, as well as previous background I knew of Eminem, he's been in a weird cycle of emotions in the past years. With past songs talking about rivalry amongst other artists, his childhood with no father and an abusive step-father and confused young woman as his mother, and his responsibilities as a father to his daughter Haley, it's clear from the beginning of the album that Eminem isn't as playful in this album with his usual "Slim-Shady" self. Don't get me wrong, he makes plenty of sexual curse word usage in the first track, but out of the gate is a ridiculous amount of rage. I later find out that at age 37, Em is being tossed around with the weight of having to deal with his wife trying to leave him (by divorce I think), while he is trying to make it work, along with the struggle of fighting to be a good dad for his daughter. All the while he continues to struggle with identity, loneliness, and constant questioning of who he is and how he avoids mirrors to avoid coming to grips with who he's become. In the second track he begins to question if he's the only one that gets what he's saying and though his pride doesn't allow him to readily ask for help, he cries it in the chorus.

"Is anybody out there?
It feels like I'm talkin to myself
No one seems to know my struggle
And everything I come from
Can anybody hear me?
I guess I keep talkin to myself
It feels like I'm going insane
Am I the one who's crazy?"
-"Talkin 2 Myself"

Upon pondering why it is that listening to music that talks about pain, anguish, brokenness, broken relationships, oppression, injustice, and hurt stir my heart towards Christ, I realize that somewhere in the lyrics that talk about the effed-up-ness of everyday life, I realize that there is something that connects with my soul that is empathetic and knows that familiar feeling. And I know that it's a universal cry that the world gets too. Everyone gets it ... from the poorest of the poor to the richest of America. And every time I hear that agony, that pain, something whispers and nudges me "this is the brokenness that Christ came into the world to restore." Of the millions of stories of the kid that grew up with no dad, a single-mom working 3 jobs to provide for him and his brothers and sisters, and the stories of full-grown adults still not knowing what to do with life's biggest questions, to the songs that echo the cry "is there any hope" for the poor and starving on the other side of the globe, ... It all reminds me in a very real, ground level way of the reality of the effects of the fall. Right when man fell, the rest of the Bible goes on and on to tell what the fracture of shalom due to sin caused ... Right after the sin of Adam and eve, the first thing you see is bloodshed ... bloodshed of animals to provide for their clothing, the introduction of murder into history between Cain, and Abel ... and the more you read the more you see that when man fell, no matter how hard we tried, we could never do enough to repair that broken relationship with God. No matter how high we build, we always fall short and only do evil continually.

"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because I love the way you lie, I love the way you lie, I love the way you lie"
-"Love The Way You Lie" by Eminem, Album: "Recovery"

When I hear Em spit grotesque, graphic lyrics like this, something in my soul goes "Ya, isn't this the reality of the world we live in?" When I hear that lead singer of a heavy rock band screaming his lungs out, there's that sense of absolute longing that we all can relate to as humanity. We get it. At the end of the day, when God graces us with silence and we hear nothing but our own thoughts, we get this. We get what Em is spitting.

"For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies."
-Romans 8:19-23

Music is one of the main passions I have. It moves me, stirs me, etc., and having the gospel transform the way it affects me, I don't think I can yet articulate exactly why angst-filled music does this to me. I've attempted to explain why and how it does and something in me still longs like I can't ... but I do know that whenever I listen to angst-filled music, a couple of things move in this direction:
1) It humbles me with the truth that we have failed to keep the law and that if we are ever to attain the righteousness required to have shalom again (beautiful harmony in relationship with God), it's going to take something more than the works of our hands
2) by grace, it'll lead me to remember the good news of the God-man, Jesus Christ, the one who lived the perfect life we couldn't, our righteousness, the fulfillment of the law we couldn't keep, who died the death that God would have been just in in giving over to us.
3) If by grace I understand the gospel, (and quite often I don't), it pushes me to mission. Though I'm still very much a coward, it does push me to go to places I wouldn't normally go to, hang with people I wouldn't normally hang with, meet people that aren't like me, just get to know them, build relationships with them, etc., because I'm not naive enough to think that just because I'm at baylor, there aren't people like this all around me. It's not a stretch at all for the very people I live with to be this, my neighbors to be this, the guys I ball with at the rec to be this, the people at church, my fellowship group, my classmates, my teachers, the workers in the cafeteria, the poor people that often take advantage of rich baylor kids' money.

Father, guard me from taking counsel from those who don't know You. By listening to real people's lives put to music, lead me more to the beauty and "It is finished-ness" of the cross. May it lead me to more of You and push me to more joy-filled obedience through mission. I want You. You're the goal. Help me never take my eyes off the goal. Grant me grace in all of this. Save this world from themselves. Break down souls, show them there is hope in You. Father save them. Jesus call your sheep by name. Holy Spirit open up their eyes, ears, and heart to the power of this gospel of Jesus.