Little word picture (What Sanctification Might Look Like)

I think in the past when people wanted to know how you were doing spiritually they'd ask something along the lines of "How's your walk with Christ/God?"

I read an article or something perhaps that CS Lewis wrote asking something along the lines of "What are you praying for nowadays?" as a more pointed way to get deeper into that question.

Regardless of how you ask it, I think I can attempt to answer that question with a little word picture.

Right now, when it comes to me and God, I feel like I'm in a new land again, tasting clues or hints of God's grandness but at the same time I feel like God's like this dad that is smiling, asking me to come play and see what He's up to. He's a little ahead of me on the journey but He's somehow with me yet calling me to come to Him and not look back. I feel a little behind though. I feel like I can only catch little bits of what He's saying. To me, it's a victory just to understand one or two things He's saying or showing me. 

Does this sound confusing? Probably it does. Because sometimes I feel like God's so grand, His word so vast in reasons for worship that I can only behold maybe one or two semblances of it of Him and all that He's trying to teach me. I constantly feel like my life is just trying to "catch up" to where He is and where He's leading me. At first glance it seems like a bit of dissonance and maybe it is, yet when I picture this, I see Him strangely with me, yet ahead of me as well. I see Him smiling; there doesn't seem to be guilt in this picture. Just an invitation for more. And every time I take a step forward or say "yes" to one of those little invitations, I feel encouraged that perhaps this is what sanctification is: Learning to walk in who I really am, the Jon Lau God created in His image, the Jon Lau still carrying but not defined by the hurts and habits of sin and its consequences, the Jon Lau made new, united in Christ, by the seal of the Holy Spirit, able to actually see all that I am in Christ. I think that's how I picture it. I've always known cognitively that "Jesus loves me" but I think that truth is beginning to carry much more weight and substance as I'm learning how much Jesus knows me. Because what I see inside is a guy 3 steps behind, a guy who should be more holy, a guy who should be more courageous, a guy who should be more proactive. Yet I also am beginning to see a Father who still smiles, still beckons, still invites, still shows patience, still loves. 

I don't know where I picked it up from. Maybe a preacher said it a lot, but It's been put into my heart that when it comes to life with God, "there's always so much more." And I feel like I'm learning sanctification is learning to live in just that "so much more-ness." I guess it just takes practice and faith in the gospel to keep going even during the seasons where it feels like you have no strength to take one step forward. 

Well, this is my 3:30am reflection. I don't much care to tidy this one up through revision. It is what it is. 

Heh, I chuckle in how God speaks through those blank pockets of silence in the 3:30am night where I'm forced to hear my heart, its longings, its questions, and what God thinks about it all.  

Jesus, it's been a journey. I know there's always much more life to be had. Let's goooo,

-Jon

Dear FECDB Youth,

You have my heart. Thanks for letting me serve you, for putting up with my semi-awkwardness, for bearing through my corniness, for being patient when I trip up, for trusting me to be your shepherd even through my inconsistencies and despite my fatigue and terrible sleeping habits. You have my heart.

One of several things I've aspired to do with you all is "share with you not only the gospel of God but also [my own self], because you have become very dear to [me]" (1 Thessalonians 2:8), and I thank you for receiving me despite such a quick transition for the both of us. You truly have been a visible, tangible evidence of God's grace and love on my life.

I still can't believe it's only been a little over a year to have been with you all ("yawl"). I remember being a stranger and being awkward, and truth be told, some of you definitely intimidated me at first haha. Lol, it’s been a great first year and I know that God has done great things through us and for us, but I believe with my whole heart that God has a lot more for us to journey in together as one family. That's the cool thing about following Christ; there's always more of Christ to be had, like an everlasting buffet ... that never runs out of food and where you never get quite full. Remember, there’s always more. If you stop believing that, you’re not following the true (biblical) God. He’s really that good.

As we approach 2015, my hope and prayer for us is that we might so much fixate our eyes on Christ that we begin to continually stop fixing on ourselves and our needs and our sin, and instead gaze on how to serve and spur one another on … that we might really be brothers and sisters to each other. Indeed, there's more joy in Him than anything else we "chase." There's more joy in finding our satisfaction in Him than looking to counterfeits that will prove and have proven to never fulfill you. There's more joy in Christ in fighting for community and service than throwing pity parties of unmet expectations. Please fight to get this when the busy-ness of our schedules come, when the days get dark, and when the lies of Satan come to convince you that you really are alone and that no one “gets” you or cares. Fight for your own joy, fight for each other’s. Fight for mine. It’s hard, this following Jesus thing, but it’s worth it.

I can’t promise much to you. It seems like God continues to reveal more and more sin that needs to die in me so as much as I appreciate you guys calling me awesome, I know the truth haha. But there are a couple things I can promise you. I promise that I'll fight with you, alongside you, and maybe even yell at you at times to help you fix your eyes on where true life is found. I can promise more mistakes will be made and that as we continue to get to know each other deeply, you'll see more and more of my flaws, insecurities, and my sins. But I also promise that if you'll fight with me, for each other, for the renown of Christ and your own joy, we'll be able to come to the end of 2015 with our minds more blown away, our hands strengthened, and our hearts more full. I love you all. I love getting the privilege to be your pastor (still weird for me to get my head around). And I long for those of you who aren't currently with us, those of you who are currently far off and don't know the greatest news in the universe quite yet. FECDB Youth, let's let them know the freedom and joy found in our God. Glorify Your name Father through our little church. Thank You for gifting them to me.

 
Because of Christ,
-Jon

A Year and Four Months

Sometimes it's still hard to believe. No, this is not some kind of announcement of being in a relationship for a year and four months leading up to a proposal. Seems like that's happening a lot nowadays. But as 2015 just began yesterday, it's been a time of reflection where my closest friends here agree with my reflections that it's felt way longer than just a year and four months of living out here in LA. It's crazy. 

... I remember as I was approaching the end of college during my "super senior" years at Baylor, I felt a very real understanding of how the future really is up to God's sovereign plan and really was out of my control. I was finishing with a 2.9 GPA, no real internships, no job prospects, and not sure what to make of coming back home to live with my parents and start getting involved more with the home church now that I was going to be around.

Those 6 months were tough. I didn't have a ton to look forward to. It felt aimless, with only League of Legends and weekly Tuesday nights of basketball to keep me going. Everything felt like vapor, just empty motions of trying to do what "adults" do, or at least trying to get to that place of doing what adults do. I don't know, I guess it just felt super alone and directionless ... and league and baskeball helped me not feel it so much.

But even as I think about college and my attachment to home in Houston, Baylor really was a time and place I felt convicted that God had sovereignly (and strategically?) placed me for my own growth. But a lot of that growth came at a cost to the people I had spent my previous 18 years of life with, the people I had grown to love and were indebted to for their raising of me. I would come back often as a Freshman, but as most college students do, that number grew less and less to about once or twice a semester during my senior year ... basically when there was an event at church to volunteer to serve at. 

I remember thinking how hard it was for me when my brother and my older friends went off to college; how communication dwindled in frequency. And I thought to myself "I want to keep in touch when I leave," but I inevitably found myself repeating the process. I used to feel guilty about this, but over the years at Baylor, I felt a strange confirmation and freedom of "letting go" in a sense. I could let go of the weight I felt of people thinking I just ditched them and traded them in for other friends. God had called me to waco, to invest in making deep Christian friendships, to disciple, to equip, to learn, to be mentored, etc. But somewhere in the back of my mind (or bottom of my heart), I always wondered how my family from Houston really felt about it. I mean, no matter how hard I tried to keep up, it felt different when I came back. Was it me that changed? Them? Or both? Did I do something wrong in leaving? 

When I ended up moving back to Houston it was hard because it was like I was trying to resume relationship with a people that I grew up with but had lost regular contact with over the last 4 years. They were supportive and it was awesome when I came back into town, but they weren't physically there to know what exactly the majority of those 4.5 years were like ... what I had learned and what I was getting rocked with. And there were new people I had never met or really gotten to know now. Not to mention that the younger kiddos I was so afraid of neglecting were still in college. So even though I was still decently active, I struggled those 6 months with community. As time passed, somehow in the midst of a lot of those things, when things were beginning to finally feel normal and I was starting to find a bit of a rhythm, God "opened a door"...

To El Paso for 10 weeks? Ya, it still continues to be a fog of what exactly God was doing in that time and place as an intern over there but that's another blog post. And then after Chris and Esther's wedding following that internship, I was under the belief that I'd get a chance to redeem so much of the apparent failure I felt from the previous 6 months before El paso. Heh. Nope.

I still remember the day (where I was, who I had been with, etc.) when I received a phone call from Benjamin that day that would propel me to begin my 22 hour drive to Los Angeles a whopping 3 days (was it really only three days?) later. It was pretty unexpected ... So much so that there wasn't really any time to prepare, much less pray. Scratch that, there really was no time to prepare. It was like an "open door," yes, but more like an open door on a freakin airplane in flight. Heh, I just made that up, but it definitely felt something like that where even the 22 hour drive felt like I was being taken by God to this foreign land to begin a "new" journey.

I have lived in Southern California for the past year and 4 months now. It's been challenging. I've experienced great joys, great pains, great laughs, great loss. Overall I've experienced great testing and the need to persevere and stick things out even when my heart and flesh fail me. Even on the days where I feel useless, inadequate, and pathetic. I've realized my need for the gospel in a way that isn't cookie-cutter and cold truth statements, but also realizing that the core truths of our faith are what I my soul most needs (The incarnation really is probably one of the biggest ones). I've seen the long-term benefit of sitting in the scripture over a course of time, even when I don't necessarily "feel" it at the moment.

[Tangent: To this day, a lot of my teaching and heart for people is that they'd get the importance of "church" and necessity to sit under the Bible. Underneath the cross of Christ, these two things always come out because they are what have held me sane when nothing else could. I mean ... sometimes you go through seasons where everything you speak to God feels void and sometimes you just need to hear Him speak to you. Eh, tangent done.]

As I was thinking about the seeming turmoil I still feel about how I left Houston for El Paso, only to come back and leave yawl (and now in addition to the Baylor family) again for LA, there was a weight of sadness I felt that recognized that the people most in my life are different now. And just as it was in Waco, it is hard for me not to almost feel a weight of guilt for leaving the way I did. I wish I could have left a lot more smoothly. I wish it wasn't so abrupt. I wish I didn't feel like I traded yawl in without much more than a word to say how much I love and care for you ... In the end, I know God drove me out here. I know He's called me out here and provided an outline of what He might have for me for the next however many years in the form of a degree plan and position at my church. But it doesn't mean I don't struggle with this feeling of guilt. It doesn't mean I don't want to cry about accepting the fact that a majority of you wont be in my life as much anymore. Eh, it just sucks because who I am today is very much a reflection of who you are and it feels like a very real part of me has been stripped away only to deal with the tension of seeing you all again for a few hours each time I come back.

As I was laying on bed thinking about this all, I heard my mind say "the life I now live," referring to this life in LA in comparison to what it was in Houston and Waco, but instead of the thought completing itself, I heard a verse I had memorized in college complete the sentence "(the life I now live) in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me" (Galatians 2:20). I feel confident enough in my studies to know the overall exegetical argument for the book of Galatians, but somehow I felt the Holy Spirit still speaking that same truth (of grace) in a way that is big enough to bring even this particular "guilt" before. 

The church is not limited to one city, or one place, or one type of people. The bloodline of faith in Christ calls us all as ONE family, one Church. I guess that I can trust that this bloodline is stronger, no matter the frequency or distance of communication. 

Love yawl fam,
-Jon

Solace

I went to the gym today. Finally. I bought a 24-Hour Fitness 2-year pass with one of my bro's from church and people make fun of us with how terrible we are at keeping each other accountable to actually going.

But back to the story.

It's not often that I go in general these days but I found myself restless at home with nothing to do. So I decided that I would go and do what I used to do back in the day, just shoot at the gym. What a pain it was to drive to Nogales only to remember I forgot the ball and then drive back home to get it. Fail Jon.

I eventually arrive and I always tell myself that I won't play a game but just shoot, knowing full and well that I'll probably end up playing multiple games. And indeed, I played about 4 mini-games of ball. Btw, I'm still really out of shape. Played three games of 2-on-2 against these 2 guys that looked like they worked out a fair amount and one of them was ultra-competitive in wanting to play. Luckily for me, I had this dude that was like a freaking pro. He dunked, he nailed about 80% of his threes and occasionally when he got bored, he passed me the ball. Okay, truthfully sometimes he was nice and passed me the ball too. I didn't feel insulted, but strangely encouraged haha. Overall, dude was legit.

But then eventually the courts cleared and I got to do what I came there for: just shoot around. And mind you I'm already all cramped up, and tired, having tried so hard for those other games when I haven't really worked out for months. Initially my shot was TERRIBLE but what I often have done to help myself get going is head to the free throw line. No matter how long I've been away from the game, I can always count on my free throw shooting about ... 78% of the time lol.

But ya, eventually I find myself in a rhythm ... doing all the same dribble moves I've done a thousand times ... Remembering "Oh ya, I've spent like a thousand hours doing this stuff over my life." I start to work in the step backs (my stepback going right will always suck haha) and footwork that is quite flawed, but I'm still able to make a fair amount of my shots. Indoor courts > Outdoor courts ... The rims are so forgiving. I start to wonder to myself once again "What if I trained myself earlier to have a jump shot where I actually jumped and shot the ball at the height of my jump? Why do I shoot the ball so low and with barely any jump?" I start to remember that indoor courts allow me to put spins on my layups. I'm surprised at how effortless it is to shoot 3's and make them again. It's been awhile.

And after at least an hour or so, I found myself back at the free throw line. By now it's probably like 11:40pm or so. I'd been at the court for like 3 hours probably. And a lot of thoughts came into my head as I was just doing the same drills I've always done. Or struggling to remember how. I think to myself, "How many times I've longed to have an open gym to just shoot around. Where the only sound is me breathing and the bounce of the ball, the swish of the net." I start to think about all the gyms I used to play in. I remember the times where I opened up the gym at CBC Houston and just shot around for a couple of hours when not a soul was at church. I remember staying at the SLC (rec center at Baylor) till Midnight sooo many times, just putting up shots until the lights would go out. Surprisingly it's only now that I remember how many times I've done that in the old driveway at my home in Houston. And I think to myself "Shooting free-throws is probably the most consistent thing I've been able to do all my life. Free-throws are probably the only thing that hasn't changed." And a whirl of memories goes back to this whole relationship with basketball again. And it eventually winds down to me sitting alone eating the same roast beef sandwich my Dad would always pack me, crying in the Strake Jesuit library because of how alone and unknown I was, how not good enough I was.

I hold my follow through as I sink about five more free throws before I move onto threes and farther threes. But by this point, I'm getting a little more emotional with each memory lapse. I think about Instagramming a photo of this empty basketball court at 24 and I think about what I'd write in the description. I convince myself that it's probably a little too showy, or that I'm just wanting too much attention by sharing my story. I thought about letting the few high school classmates of mine who follow me on Instagram know why I was so emo those 4 years. But like I said, I convince myself to not do it. 50% of the reason was because it'd look too ridiculous to take a picture of an empty court with a few people around. But I eventually sink my last three free-throws and decide to pack up and leave (btw I did miss a fair amount of shots today ... just so you know).

And as I'm walking across the court to get my stuff I start talking with God about how I'm finally okay with not getting any better at this sport. I tell Him that I don't have to judge every person on the court and wonder if I'm better. I tell Him I'm okay if I can't take these high-schoolers. And I start to recognize that after all these years of feeling like God ought to give me an apology for not letting me make the team year after year after year (too long a story to tell ... sorry. I really did do well for most of those tryouts. It wasn't the typical Asian-kid lack of confidence thing), I come to the conclusion that I've finally reached a point where I can "forgive" myself. It wasn't God that I needed forgiveness from. I've already known for years how it was His grace that saved me from making those teams (Saved me from Romans 1:18-32). But I guess I finally reached some kind of epiphany. Or more at least recognizing what I felt God's been exposing this last half-year: I haven't been able to "let go" of this thing because I haven't been able to forgive myself for failing to make the team.

"If only I had done this, if only I had been more pass-first, if only I demanded to play point guard, if only I had looked for my own shot, if only I had communicated with the coaches better why I wasn't there that Saturday, if only my family and I actually checked our voice mails, if only I didn't cramp up, if only the actual coach he makes the final decisions were there on time, etc., etc., etc."

I give the head nod to the dude at the desk as I make my way out. And I get into my car and I realize I left my iPod on the whole time (stupid Jon, now you gotta charge it a lot sooner than you had to). And it eventually gets to David Crowder Band's song "Never let go." This be my jam so I just listen as I'm driving out of the parking lot. It's about halfway through the drive where the next song was almost too much. It was Crowder Band again, "All I Can Say." I can't really hold it back anymore. And honestly, I think I left the house to go to the gym because I needed to not hold it back anymore.

To be honest, I've made peace with basketball for a little while now. Sure I act up sometimes and get annoyed by so many people who "cheat." But I'm okay with not being half the player I was. But I think that the takeaway from all of this is the realization that that scene of an empty court with just me and my ball ... That was my solace for a lot of years. When life didn't make sense, when I felt overwhelmed, discouraged, angry, depressed, that's where I would go. It was my sanctuary. My place of sanity and "recharge." It was my refuge when real life got too crazy.

And I still find myself going back to the free-throw line every time I find myself at the gym again ... Knowing all that I carry with me. And my heart kind of preaches to Jon Lau, "what a comfort it is to know that even on that day when you're unable to make these shots, maybe even the day when you can't get the ball to the rim, God is still the same, yesterday, today, forever."

I don't know why that truth of God's unchanging (They call it "immutability" in school), consistent character moved/moves me so deeply. Perhaps my guess can be summed up in this nursery rhyme:

As originally published in 1860 by Anna Bartlett Warner:

"Jesus loves me—this I know,
For the Bible tells me so;
Little ones to him belong,—
They are weak, but he is strong.

Jesus loves me—loves me still,
Though I'm very weak and ill;
From his shining throne on high,
Comes to watch me where I lie.

Jesus loves me—he will stay,
Close beside me all the way.
Then his little child will take,
Up to heaven for his dear sake"

[Heh. Yes, I just wiki'd that. And found even more treasure than the first verse.]

"[The hardest thing we may ever do in life is receive the love of God.]"

"For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen."-Ephesians 3:14-21

Grace and Peace Fam,
-Jon

Update #17

Going back to Houston tomorrow.

It's been weird to adjust to being a "visitor" to Houston.

I've learned that a lot of chapter divisions for my life are in the context of location. Perhaps this 4-day stay at home will help solidify the fact that I'm no longer a Texan, but a Californian haha.

Looking forward to seeing family, the CBC family, the Baylor family, etc.

Looking forward to getting some reading done ... I notice I only read books when I travel haha.

Grateful for the "pBen" to drive me to and fro the airport. Btw, I not-so-secretly love/really hope I become Haley's favorite uncle.

More coherent posts later on.

Still a journey.

Rethinking what that "double imputation" stuff really means for believers. It's one thing to know you're forgiven for your guilt and another to know you're forgiven yet (and) holy, blameless, above reproach, altogether righteous before the God who has/is/will always be all those things perfectly.

Needa get back on what stirs my heart for Christ. I miss those things I used to do to help me. Sure some of them have changed but ... not all of them.

People have a lot to share, a lot they want to share ... But I'm pretty sure that most of us just don't share "real" stuff because we don't think people really care to know. The fact that no one asks gives us more and more proof that the things in our life that are significant and meaningful are indeed "trivial" or "mundane" to others ... People feel really valued (loved) when someone asks them a question about their life that no one else in all their years has cared enough to ask. Makes me think how I can ask better questions.

Random.

Deuces.
-Jon