Heh I wanna embed "Apologize" to this entry ... But for the love of God, I wont. Probably can't anyway.

Originally titled:

"my relationships," there is something very unhealthy about them.

I think in a way, I've been isolating a part of myself from the rest of the world. I tend to want to believe I'm pretty open about my life and sharing what's on my mind with others through the use of blogs and just in conversation ... But I think what's run in my mind for a semester + is a neglecting of some of the deepest concerns, fears, failures, expectations, tragedies, joys in my life. There's a whole lot more that goes into it than this description but I'm very certain that I'm being selfish in not sharing things such as these with my family of BASIC. I apologize.

I can't say something like "From now on, I'll build up the body of Christ by being selflessly honest enough with you guys ... not neglecting what I sometimes need to share and say to you." I think this is a process that I may never see the end to. There is a fine line between loving those enough to risk judgment through sharing what's on one's heart and being a pity-case. It's just in my current walk of life, I feel like I'm neglecting a lot of who I am ... I'm neglecting to do and say things that everything in me tells me to say and do for fear of judgment ... or even worse of the fear of being deemed "religious." I really didn't intend to see the "religious" tangent come into play in this entry but I think I just discovered something.

This is something deeper than my relationships. This is about neglecting who I am and who God's calling me to be for fear of false assumptions ... Even if done with good motive, it's selfish. I apologize. It's weird because I went into this entry thinking "okay Jon, just try not to preach or say too much about Jesus or grace or humility or pride ... just do a 'regular' entry, lest people would think 'there's Jon again ... when will he shut up?'" It's weird cuz I almost didn't even want to mention God at all in this for fear of people adding to their assumption of "religious Jon." Though I am 15899508% in agreement that the Gospel of Jesus Christ and religion are as different as heaven or hell, fear of being deemed "religious" is not a valid reason to neglect from living the gospel of Jesus ... In fact in neglecting to do so, I probably am more religious ... After all, religious people always talk and never do. Religious people always look at the external (like I have been since college started), and not the internal (which I'm working on).

I initially was going to title this "my relationships" and end it with saying that they're somehow unhealthy and dangerous. I'm glad I didn't stop there as I've learned and been through a small process of learning that this whole thing ... How I'm dealing with life has to be looked at inside of the dish and not just the outside. Thus I'm going to conclude this entry that trailed off with this epiphany:

I apologize body of Christ for neglecting to be honest with you all. I'm sorry for not loving you enough to call you out and challenge you. I'm sorry for not loving you enough to war for truth at all costs for us ... Even if that means having some of you not like me as much. I am deeply sorry for neglecting to love you the way Christ did ... all because of the fear of being called religious. Such a reason only proves to in the end be the opposite of selfless. Such a reason actually only manifests itself to be the very label I feared most. Sorry.

Father in heaven, may your sovereign majesty and power collide with this wretched heart.
-Your kid, Jon.
p.s. thanks for 3:46am epiphanies.