The Pains of Sanctification, and Religion (Again!?)

I never had a picture of Christianity be this raw. What I mean by that is ... Never have my sheltered eyes been exposed to the reality of "all or nothing" to the extent it is now. It's a struggle but the beauty of it all is when a broken world and the wickedness in humanity clashes with Jesus and the cross. It's not a pretty site. Jesus really wasn't that excited about getting nails hammered into his hands and feet and having the wrath of God poured out on him. He sweat drops of blood and was overwhelmed with sorrow "to the point of death". When I see the raw, reality of the world we live in and how the cross of Christ absolutely collides with it and overcomes it, this is what stirs in me some kind of testosterone-filled angst and violent zeal and produces tears at the same time. This is what implants some kind of fire in my chest that wants to explode out. This is what completely unravels me. This is what makes me feel an unbelievably heavy weight that sinks my heart. This is what produces worship of a holy, righteous, majestic God.

I'm learning a little bit more each day what the word "holy" means. It's painful. It hurts when I'm confronted with my sinfulness and how my wicked and rebellious self could even be in the same room as a holy, righteous God, whose very presence should kill me. The more God unveils the gap, the more I see that gaping disconnect, the more I see how Christ 100% bridged it and reconciled it ... That in response to my offense He endured the cross, substituting his righteousness for my sin, bearing sin's punishment in my place. This is grace. This is the means to repent. This is our means for worship. Nothing else. But why does my heart wander from this so freakin' often? Why? There is nothing but this right? Why do I keep running to other things? It's this stupidity in man that hasn't ever changed. I would always laugh when reading one of the prophets in scripture. I'd think "these people are so freaking retarded. Repent for God's sake! This is where the raw-ness of scripture collides with my pride. This is where scripture isn't merely something read but something that reads me like ... well ... a book (heh). I'm that idolater. I'm that adulterer. I'm that liar. I'm that sinner. I'm that pharisee that needs to repent of my own righteousness and goodness. Sometimes the way I do life in defeat really reflects that I'm no different than the sadducee. But what messes me all up and blows this whole thing up is that by the cross of Christ, I am deemed righteous, in right standing before a holy, perfect God whose very presence should incinerate my helplessly wicked estate. So I am an adulter; I am a thief; but I'm at the same time, I'm not any of these things at all, solely because of the cross of Christ. This is "God is love." Not your cutesy "I like you, you like me, let's hold hands and giggle a lot" love. This is cross enduring, unlimited patience showing, jealous, violent pursuit of a God for His people. This is what I mean by raw. Ain't no games anymore.

The danger in my life thus far is this: I'm afraid that I can continually adapt and learn the language of humility, the cross of Christ, the character and nature of God, etc., and not actually walk, breathe, and wrestle with it. In other words, the thing I war against, the thing that frustrates me the most is the very thing that confronts me daily: Religion. Funny how a year from now, God sent me to the older brother only to show me that I'm the very person God has called me to proclaim Christ to. To latch onto my previous post ... What is really going on in Jon Lau's heart? Self-examination ... Why do I keep running from it?

The thing with sanctification is that no one really told me that it'd hurt like this ... ha. Like, I guess it was assumed that "being made holy" would entail the imperfections of our flesh being stripped more and more each day and in turn being restored with the perfection of the Spirit. I mean to some small degree I knew this but I didn't know how brutal this process would be. The more you grow up and "life beats things out of you" (Chandler), you begin to see that life ain't no game anymore. Some continue to play, but they never find joy. I remember muttering "Ain't no more games; this is life;" sometime during World Changers. Religion has always been the most dangerous game to play. By His grace alone God will continue to save me out of it.