So far ...

Scattered: It has been an incredibly scattered semester for me as I am in the middle of my second year of college at Baylor University. There doesn't ever seem to be a rhythm for me to catch myself and get going. I constantly don't have the same feeling of things that used to bring me pleasure. When I walk alone, I constantly keep hearing in my head "I don't belong here. I wasn't made for here." And at the same time there is an absolute weight put on me for things bigger than me, bigger than us. I don't know how to describe that. It's just unbelievably painful and leaves me unsatisfied and full of angst to the point where I want to scream and cry at the same time. And as I'm getting to know more people and understanding and seeing the scars of their past that has resulted in bitterness (specifically bitterness towards certain groups of the people in church), on top of older friends who all have their own deals going on, I can't but feel utterly alone. No one ever tells you that growing in Christ leaves you with a lot of dark days of the soul. No one ever tells you that growing in Christ, knowing that your citizenship is in heaven and not here on earth, would leave you feeling like an alien in a foreign land. Somehow though the Bible is astoundingly clear that "Every man who desires to live a Godly life will be persecuted," I haven't heard this taught much.

Sanctification: has been absolutely brutal and especially harsh this last month or so. By grace, God is humbling me in such a way that it leaves me incredibly humiliated. I don't know as much as I thought. No matter how hard I try, I can't get people to love Jesus and war for His glory alongside me. I struggle with wanting to contextualize Jesus to be more attractive and trusting in the 100% sufficiency of the scriptures ... I struggle with constantly comparing myself to others, nullifying the offense of the cross. I struggle with the daily battle of walking in obedience and compassion when I am talked down as a child by a person who is lost in his own pride. And I'm competitive by nature so too many a time I find myself having to repent for competition ... religious competition. Stupid, pointless, God-belittling, cross-nullifying sin ay?

So as part of my role for a campus fellowship group/organization (Asians for Christ) I co-lead a small group of older guys and girls and by God's grace, it has been going fairly well. It was progressing and the gospel was weighing in on people's hearts oh so slowly. This past week, however, was easily the most dry, most empty, monologue (you never want a small group to be this ...) of a meeting. Mel and I had studied the passage earlier and were kinda excited about what God would do through it, yet for some reason, God didn't bring our usual group of people due to mid-term week I suppose, and instead brought others who didn't say a word the whole time. Frustrated and frazzled, I try (present tense) to not let it get to me. I preach to myself that the transforming work of the gospel doesn't solely lie on my ability to facilitate and communicate a text. I wrestle with knowing and trusting God's sovereignty in this and that it wasn't some kind of punishment that God had out for me that small group this week was the most frustratingly stale one this year. After that brutally agonizing, long-suffering hour and a half of dead-silent bible study, I'd never felt and related with a biblical character so close as I did with the prophet Jeremiah in that moment. There were a lot of thoughts and many texts in the Bible that read that moment in time but really ... all I can do is war to walk faithfully in obedience with the talents given me, even if no one but 2 hear the message ... but man, it's extremely tough.

Grace: I still am being affected by all these things I've mentioned but I really am thankful in the grace and mercy of God that I can see and have faith in all of these factors being part of my progressive sanctification. Broken, confused, wicked soul that I am, I can see all of this being God's process of purifying me, plundering/restoring my heart, and growing me to be the man He's bidding me to be. I know myself enough to know that this isn't something I can take credit for and pat myself on the back for. There are countless areas that my heart doesn't want Christ to take hold of. There will probably be a lot more instances of humiliating repentance. But through it all, scattered mind, lustful heart, wicked soul that I am, the gospel of Jesus Christ, splattered and cut to pieces on a cross in spite of my offense and rebellion ... This has sustained me.

Need: The gospel will never be something that we know well enough to not need anymore. It is for both the unbeliever and the believer. I'm learning this with large amounts of frustration, angst, and thankfulness. I don't trust God in a lot of areas in my life. I care, think about, and value who I'm going to be way more than I do for the glory and renown of the God of the universe. But by grace, Jesus keeps relentlessly attacking (plundering?) my heart.

Begging: I'm begging for God to weigh in more heavily on this heart of mine and I'm praying for the gospel of Jesus Christ, as proclaimed from the scriptures, to transform and 180 the lives of the people around me ... from the skeptical agnostic to the church goer who knows enough about Jesus to not want more, to the person who adores a god they have made up and is not found in the scriptures ...

Collision: All these forces (and perhaps many more) are colliding right now with the gospel of Jesus and somehow I'm seeing more of Jesus' saving work through this ... That He, by sheer grace, with a jealousy to take back what is rightfully His, would bind Satan, and rescue sinners who deserve to die, restoring them from once dead sinners to adopted sons ... All that is going on, every thought, every sinful tendency of my wicked heart, every area where I think I am smarter than God in ... All of it is colliding with this gospel. The only reason I can keep going is because of this. All of life comes down to this. May my response of his response to my offense be an aroma pleasing to the Lord. Hallelujah for the cross.

God help us for Your namesake.