Growing Pains

I thought that the religiosity of my flesh would filter out such honesty.

Been praying for awhile for God to expose me where I can't see my sin and He has exposed me of my rivalry, the specific fruit of my pride. I often want to be seen as the most far along, the most spiritual, the most mature Christ-follower. I enjoy being the guy that knows more Bible than you. I enjoy answering questions and pointing Bible references. I like it ... too much. So when I don't get the fame and credit, I pout and judge others as not as good as Jon Lau. I withdraw from crowds as a way of putting me right in the middle of the room and call it biblical. Sound like a particular manipulative group of people in the Bible? But ya ... This is my heart, filth and all. I find that when I echo the thoughts of my heart verbally, I'm devastated and somehow shocked to find that I want my name to be known and remembered and I absolutely crave the praise of men. Like, I really like it when someone sees me with a little bit of awe. I want that and I find my heart going "did so and so see me do that?" "I wonder if anyone will see my pain and suffering in this moment so that they can see I'm suffering for the sake of the gospel ... " It's like I want to build up a resume of spirituality and blasphemously clothe the humble "Christ alone" language to my blog entries. I thought that the religiosity of my flesh would filter out such honesty. This is just the echoings of my heart. The one today? "Jon, no one knows the pains of ministry and the needs of others like you. No one's seen it like you. No one loves the gospel and stands in it like you. No one distrusts their opinions under the weight and authority of scripture like you Jon. Nah, you're by yourself in that. But what can you do but pray? Maybe they'll get there. Just keep going." This is me. This is my pride. I tell myself that I'm being humble and that my peers ought to praise me for doing so. Disgusting is it not?

I'm grateful that God doesn't leave me in imagination of my proud, scattered, sinful heart, which would rather keep trucking 100mph blind. I'm grateful that Christ doesn't just dine with the tax collector and sinner but also communes and invites and implores the pharisee. Jon, Christ frees where the law cannot. You don't want the law Jon. Trust scripture. You want Christ, not the law. Understand this you stubborn fool. You want mercy, not self-reliance. Study His holiness and see how far you are from it. You want grace. You want wrath to be averted. You want Jesus. Praise Christ.

*whew* by grace I've been saved. By grace I am being saved. *whew*

Know a big fear of mine? I know a lot of the gospel-centered/Christ-alone/cross of Christ language. I really do. I can tell you what justification is. Substitutionary atonement? Propitiation? Ya I can point you to 1 Cor 15:1-4, and 1 John 4:10. Humility? Philippians 2 son. yee-uh. I'm really good at sounding humble. It's not hard for me. It's easy to emulate the language of humility. Theologically it's not hard. But being humble? That's something else altogether. One thing I've noticed about the pharisees ... They sacrifice the kingdom of God for a mere appearance of it. They make the cross dispensable and in the end, they get what they crave: applause. I think that as honest as I can be, I want that. That scares me how much I want it because I find that the more I read scripture, the more rampant a theme I hear it continually warning me of ... DO NOT BE THEM! YOU DO NOT WANT THAT! IT IS NOT LIFE AT ALL!

Though I found Jesus to be the most harsh (in love) to them, Paul echoes the warning:

"Beware, therefore, lest what is said in the Prophets should come about:

'Look, you scoffers,
be astounded and perish;
for I am doing a work in your days,
a work that you will not believe, even if one tells it to you.'"
-Acts 13:41/Habakkuk 1:5

In the midst of warring with my heart always wanting to score the most points on this sick game of spiritual maturity, I don't want to miss Jesus. God help me. Don't let me miss Jesus. Please. May his cross consume me. May your word be as fire and my pride as the wood. Even as I type all this, part of me thinks I've already arrived at perfection. Protect me Father, lest I walk as an enemy of the cross of Christ. Sanctify me to boast in nothing but that cross. I have no other hope.

Thank You that "It is finished." That when Satan turns truths into half-truths, bringing accusation upon accusation, the fact of the cross shuts him up ... That in the face of my unrepayable debt, I boast not in my failure of a transcript, but in Christ's perfect one.
Thank You Father for sending Your son to die for the sins of the proud.
Help me. Purge me of everything that's hurting me. Thank You for loving me Father.
-Jon