Don't want to miss it.

Confession: Sometimes I lose sight of the heart of our faith. Sometimes in the middle of much ministry and church activity, I forget about Jesus. I fail to remember the beauty of the great gospel of grace. There are too many a day where the cross doesn't even enter my mind, where its accomplishments are deemed more historical fact rather than life-changing truth. I'm learning a great deal of good things and even getting to see God do awesome things through the ministry but nowadays I confess that sometimes I run from Him. Sometimes I absolutely love, trust, believe, and am moved by the sweetness of the gospel but it doesn't take but a night's sleep before I go back to running from Him as if my sin wasn't nailed to the cross with Christ.

I'm aware that the most religious of folk missed Jesus altogether. I'm also aware that the most banged up of sinners thought their sin was greater than His grace. This summer has me in swinging from one side of the pendulum to another. I find myself comparing my current situation and life circumstances with everyone else's so that perhaps I can pity myself. I run from dealing with my sin so much. I'm a coward that thinks the kingdom rests in talk as opposed to power. Talk is good, blogs have a reason for existing but perhaps there's so much more for me. I tell some of my younger friends "don't settle with where you're at. There's more Jesus to be had" and Paul seems to be saying admonishing me a little stronger than that (1 Cor 4). So maybe that's where I'm at this summer in this exile of a land named Waco during the drought of summer session 1 in operations management.

If there's something I'm learning it's that everyday I have a choice to let sin dwell and subtly suffocate me, or I can declare war every morning in light of the victory won through my God in Christ. I want to grow up already but I forget it's a process and for some reason part of that process is having me here for the second straight summer, with every detail in between.

Jesus, don't let my eyes be enamored on any other things or person, even if those things are good. I don't want to lose sight. I don't want to set my mind on what's on the earth. I don't want to wallow in unbelief of the salvation you've already purchased for me. I don't like liking my name so much. I don't like that I crave and lust after people's admiration and praise. Help me. Take me back to that scene, where your death in my place leaves me without words, with absolutely none of this stupid wannabe spiritual swagger. Take me back to that death you died for me if only I may remember the heart of this whole thing. Restore to me the joy of your salvation. Expose me of my blindspots. Open my ears. Deepen the affections of my heart. Help me see clearly the excellencies and beauty of Jesus. God, help me fix my eyes to Jesus. Help Hebrews 12:1-2 be my walk. I need You. I find it hard to believe you love sinners who screw up unceasingly. Help me see how great Your affections are already for me. I don't want to go back to indifference. I don't want to want You to leave me alone. Take me back to that cross. Stop me from trying to self-justify all over again. You've done it. You finished it. Help me believe it. There's so much more life to be had. Help me chase it (You). Thanks for loving me first Father. I didn't want You but for some reason You wanted me. For some reason You want me.