"Not the Type"

This Sunday morning was, up to this point in my life, one of the most scattered 24 hours of my life. I say that because I was so fired up and joyous about what God was doing in me and through me, what he was revealing in scripture and meditation, and just in the way that he stirred renewed hope in those around me that I'd lost hope in. And at the same time I was relishing that all of these blessings would come to THIS sinner!? This was overwhelming me so much that I literally couldn't fall asleep. In the middle of seeing the night become morning before my eyes (which still freaks me out every time ...), and after praying for discernment of whether I should force myself to sleep or go without it totally, I eventually said "screw sleep" at around 7am or so. I found myself a thirst for scripture and I began to read the last chapters of Luke and though briefly read with no hardcore, in-depth, inductive bible study, I subtly grew to feel a little more weight with the more I read. It's just a very humbling experience every time I read about the last hours of Jesus' life ... because though sometimes I'll ask and arouse stupid questions like the disciples did of "Who is the greatest?" (Luke 22:24-30 ... I still find it kinda funny and kinda disturbing at the timing of the disciple's question ... right before the crucifixion ...), I can't really come out of it going "Ya! That was a great story about me and my goodness!" Thank God. I hadta finish reading it in time to make service heh so I showered, got dressed and got ready.

So I drive to church in silence and I'm still fired up and eventually I get there. I'm a little late ... Maybe missed the first 5 minutes but oh well. The service was good (Somehow Sunday services have been different to me ... but I can rant about that some other time). Felt quick. I like the series we're doing on the scriptures. Today we went through 2 Timothy 3. So I get to Sunday School hour and 10 minutes in (I guess you call this "loitering" where you're just kinda chatting around with whoever), I run into my aunt whom I haven't really caught up with since summer began. She's not really my aunt in blood or anything but we're related enough to see each other during holiday gatherings (Eh it doesn't matter cuz in Chinese culture you call everyone aunt and uncle anyway). We had a little chit chat and before she was about to head off to Sunday School, I asked her where her daughter, my cousin, was. I've been particularly concerned for her in terms of life and her not getting the gospel. My aunt told me she was was at service but then left, saying that "You know her." So a little bumbed I questioned for clarification that I wouldn't see her in Sunday School to which the response of her mom was "eh, she's "just not the type. Maybe one day she'll wake up. " I'm not sure whether these words can convey the tone and understood concern and broken desperation for her daughter and my friend and cousin. I just nodded, brokenhearted on the inside but wearing an indifferent grin. We say our goodbyes and I go to Sunday School. I prayed earlier that somehow God would help me out with this whole not sleeping the night before thing, knowing that this type of prayer has gone unanswered numerous amounts of times during my all-nighters the previous semester of college ... But this time He was faithful. I just remember sitting in class having a barrage of thoughts coming every which way about this. I was an emotional wreck and it spurred me to kinda just say things out loud to the class that I normally keep in to keep quiet and not appear like a religious guy. I don't really know what even went on in my mind that whole time. I guess I could read what I wrote in my notebook during that time. I titled it "How'd I get here?". Heh. All I know is that that phrase ... "she's JUST NOT THE TYPE" was the one that haunted me throughout.

The thing that makes my heart cringe is not just all the theological confusion going on in the words conveyed. The thing that tears me up inside is that the message of the Bible was never meant to be a book for a "type of people." Never did I read anything about Jesus coming only to those worthy of his presence ... Because none were. None are. Rich and poor alike, young and old, foolish and wise, kings and beggars, men and women, fathers and children, Jew and Gentile, fishermen and experts in the law, Pharisees and tax collectors, doubters and slanderers, adulterers and liars, demonic and religious, older brother and prodigal son, persecutor and murderer of Christians and whacky prophets, stutterers and screw ups, wicked sinners and religious, "church goers" and those who didn't give a spit about any of it; pagan worshippers and magic practicioners; peasants and princes; etc. are the type of people we find that cling to this Jesus of the Bible.

Their home groups would have been interesting ... In the book of Acts alone you have people ranging from a weird magic practicing weirdo named Simon (Acts 8:9-13), a blaspheming, violent murderer of God's people named Saul ... who turns out to later write the majority of the New Testament (Acts 9), a Suburban wealthy God-fearing woman named Lydia (Acts 16:11-15), and a blue collar, lower level Roman soldier/Philippian jailer (Acts 16:25-34), who all come and are gathered because of Christ alone. If left alone in a room without Christ, these people would probably tear each other apart. It's not that these people were "good enough" to be "the type" of church-going folk that we see everyday on Sunday. These were genuine people of different levels of socioeconomic status, different ethnicities and cultures, different ages, different genders, different philosophies on life and who God is. Yet all share a fellowship because of our great mediator and savior Jesus Christ.

All throughout scripture and particularly in the gospels you've got just jacked up people ... Ya everyone is jacked up. But it's interesting and awesome that when ordinary city folk of various cities hear this man's claims to be God in the flesh, the bread of life, life to the full ... When they hear that this man speaks with AUTHORITY, the flock to him. They run and chase and cling to this guy. And so often we see people like the blind beggar (Luke 18:35-43) shout out in complete desperation and humility: "Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!" And even when those in front rebuke him and tell him to shut up he cries out louder "Son of David, have mercy on me!" The gospels tell so many instances of the inadequate screw ups and rejects and outcasts of the city crying out for Jesus to heal them ... to save them. From the dropouts in High School (equivalent to the fishermen) to the experts of the law (equivalent to maybe an esteemed college professor and/or maybe a very highly esteemed expert in a particular study), Jesus is going after the hearts of not only the rejects of society but the proud and the arrogant as well. He totally deconstructs the idea that the tax collectors were too unworthy to be saved and he continually works and speaks in a way that deconstructs the idea that the Pharisees have some sort of special favor from God because of their outstanding moral deeds. In Luke 18:9-14, Jesus unapologetically speaks the truth that religion and morality don't justify, and in the end, even fasting twice a week and tithing on everything you have, doesn't save. Jesus says that the tax collector, the one who is so ashamed of his wickedness that he wont even enter the synagogue, the one who can't even "lift his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast saying, 'God, be merciful to me, a sinner!" (Luke 18:13) ... Jesus says this guy is justified. In both ways, Jesus doesn't neglect the other. He time and time again says "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest" (Matthew 11:28). I think we think that Jesus just wanted to own the Pharisees up and just tear them apart and so in the end we ironically become Pharisees and try to do the same to those whom we look down upon. But not so with Jesus. If Jesus had NOT relentlessly rebuked them, he wouldn't have been loving. No, Jesus intentionally goes to BOTH the tax collector (Luke 5:27-32; 19:1-10) and the Pharisees (Luke 7:36-50; 11:37-43; 14).

Jesus tells a parable (Luke 15) of a son who basically says "Dad, you're as good as dead to me, gimme my inheritance and let me be" and how even when that son who has wandered has squandered all that he had in reckless living, the Father humiliatingly and shamefully runs out to embrace His son right when he sees him from a distance. From the perspective of an old man lifting up his robe and exposing his undergarments to run out to embrace the son, this is ridiculous. But it doesn't stop there. The wayward son, having memorized and recited to himself what he would say to his father, overwhelmed by the grace of his father, doesn't even bother to try to offer repayment of his reckless living by being a lowly servant of his father for he knows that he doesn't have to prove himself. He's already loved. No act or work by his hand can justify his life lived in darkness and blatant recklessness. And this is where most of us end the story. But Jesus goes on to mention the other main character in the story: the older brother. Jesus doesn't just go after the blatant "sinner" and outcast of Jewish society at the time. He goes after the heart of the jealous older brother who though he obeyed all the commands and probably did all the right moral things, didn't get the gospel.

From the story of how one sister who was so busy and distracted doing all the right things and the seemingly inconsiderate sister who instead of helping her sister in the kitchen was at the feet of Jesus listening to his every word (Luke 10:38-42) ... to the sinful woman who in the presence of haughty, educated religious men (Pharisees), stood behind Jesus at his feet, and weeping her heart out, kissed his feet and anointed them with the ointment of an alabaster flask (Luke 7:36-50) ... to the Roman official in the Roman guard, who is high up in the military system, who pleads to Jesus that though unworthy, if Jesus say the word, his servant be healed (Luke 7:1-10) ... to the call for an uneducated low-life fisherman (who evidently was struggling with their expertise), who in response to Jesus' bringing so many fish that it began to sink the boat, cried "Depart from me, for I am a sinful man, O LORD," Jesus goes "Do not be afraid; from now on you will be catching men" (Luke 5:1-11) ...

This great gospel of Jesus Christ, this Jesus revealed to us in Scripture is NOT a savior for a certain type of people. This Jesus is he whom so many of totally different people with totally different times, ethnicities, cultures, preconceptions, socioeconomic statuses, philosophies, and baggage, call Lord and Savior.

Jesus didn't come to only save those of us church-goers who listen to Hillsong and David Crowder, wear Christian t-shirts and crosses on our necks. Jesus didn't come to only save those who purchase Christan books and hold a Bible up on a display case in our living room. The Gospel of Jesus isn't just for those who purchase Wayne Grudem Systematic theology books nor is it just for those whose only mantra about God is "God is love." And the Gospel isn't just for the outcast and abusive alcoholic. This gospel of Jesus Christ is an all-inclusive one that absolutely destroys any notion that says that one has to adjust his or her lifestyle to fit a certain type of person before God will love them. The Gospel is "not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins" (1 John 4:10).

"He is the propitiation for our sins, and not for ours only but also for the sins of the whole world" (1 John 2:2).

Father, help us. I think the tendency is for us to always compartmentalize You into a quiet time or make "following Christ" about what we can do and how good we are for it. Would you bust us in the times our hearts deceive us in such a way? Would you continue to relentlessly tug and pull on our hearts and lead us to repentance ... because of grace, not guilt? No matter how eloquent I think I am or will be, I can't save my cousin and friend. Only You can. Have mercy on us all Father. We need You more than we know. Would you have our pride collide with grace and mercy? Would you let me live to see the day that my cousin cries out to you "God, be merciful to me, a sinner!" Help us please Father.

Laying it out there.

I must have written about this before, but never have I felt so outta place for such a long stretch of time. I'm not talking so much about being outta place in a social setting. I'm just talking about in general. My mind is scattered beyond scattered. Things I used to cling to are no longer as desirable. Home just feels foreign to me still. And I know something's very wretched in my heart but I feel just distant from a lot of the people I've grown up with. We still have a mutual love and care for each other but it's just different now.

I guess what God's doing and working on me of at this season in my life is the lesson that nothing's owed to me. Every breath I breathe is a gift and He's kinda unsubtly telling me to be a good steward of the gift of life with every day I'm here. So there's a certain, intentional urgency going about me right now. And everything is seeming to come my way right now. I'm struggling to balance it all but I'll be fine.

Driving back home from Java Jam just a little while ago, I was thinking to myself in the car that I'm not going to run from this calling God's put on my life. I think I've run from it so persistently and fearfully is because a) what people would think and b) my cowardly fear. I'm not going to be apologetic about my words anymore really. Frankly I'm sick of it. There's enough of that neat and tidy language in the world and in the church as it is. I'm willing to lay my life on the gospel. And I know that this bitterness inside of me of thinking that no one else is stems from a wretched sinful heart. But I think at this season in my life, I've got to come to grips with myself and stop running from the calling I've received.

It's hard. Every night I come off a good night spent with family or friends, and I drive back home by myself, I seem to get these thoughts that incessantly torment me. I thank God for I know this is the Holy Spirit convicting and pulling and tugging at me. It's anything but pretty. But I know this is for His glory and for my good so I'm going to run with it.

The next step for me to take is to get confirmation by talking to a few select, older individuals. Pray for my boldness in that.

God, may I never stray from the gospel. I can't. Help me cling to You God. Nothing else satisfies. No one else fulfills. No other created thing can produce joy. Only You can. Forgive this bitter heart and lead me to repentance Father for I'm such a disgusting sinner. Lead me to the cross. I can't boast in anything else. Help me. Help us.
-Jon

Funny running

I wrote a paper titled "Easier to Run" for a class last semester. The theme is ambiguous enough to relate to all aspects of life really. I just didn't think it'd be directed at me this poignantly.

I admit there are certain areas I'm rock strong at and some areas where I'm as unstable as a house built on sand. I've gotten good at appearing strong when I know where I'm most vulnerable and afraid. There's this one area ... It's a pretty big one where fear reigns instead of Christ. It's ironic really. I know that years from now I'll remember how I feel right now and I'll laugh at my silly attempts to go against God's sovereign will. As for now, I foolishly try to fight it ... Knowing that this summer was going to be the one where I'd let go.

I care a crapload of what people think of me. I hate that about myself. But self-loathing isn't going to get me anywhere.

...

I've been home a week now and I can honestly say that I don't feel "at home." No, that doesn't mean I don't feel welcome or that things are wrong here at my house. My family is just as loving as before. I just don't feel like this is my home. I think the more God increases and I decrease, the more I'll feel like I wasn't made for this world. I can't explain it but this is where I'm at right now. Praise God ... even if it feels I'm the only one going through the storm while everyone plays in the sun.

Yes, I am aware of the key word in the previous sentence. Feelings are so temporary. About a week ago, a girl at REC Week said that one of the greatest pieces of advice she's heard and learned over the years was "Follow your heart." My heart breaks for those who aren't able to discern truth and lie. Our hearts are wicked and they deceive ourselves. They produce feelings that go against all wisdom. We can't follow our hearts. They fluctuate and deceive far too often to trust. We must, with a fiery urgency follow the God who knows our hearts.

Father help us.
-Jon

What day is it?

So I just got back from "REC Week '09." It's an InterVarsity (various colleges participate in it) equipping conference/retreat type deal. It was quite the experience. It was everything I kinda thought it would be but not really ... all at the same time.

I'm too confused to even begin to try to put my thoughts into words.

It was really such a worshipful week. So much happened. So much. So much confusion ... laughter, thinking, rethinking, questioning, brokenness, more laughing, planning, humiliation, joy, etc. Praise God.

Next year will be very challenging for me. It's one thing to do something you believe in but it's another to trust that even if you don't agree with some or a lot of things, that nothing is outside of God. That's how I feel about my fellowship group called "AFC" (Asians for Christ).

-Shout out to all those of AFC who went to REC Week '09. I've really grown to love each and every one of these people as family. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to find a community like this apart from home back in Houston but God really has been gracious. Each of the 19 (I think it's 19) that went I truly love and hope to continue to do life with. Speakin just for my brothers out there, praise God for brotherhood.

As for now I'm focusing more on the next 3 months. I know God's going to really test me, challenge me, break me, and humble me more. I feel like I got a healthy dose of that last week but knowing how faithful and sovereign God is, I know it'll only be more of this, and perhaps up to another degree. Whether that be with summer school, a job, ferociously and relentlessly studying the Word more, helping out with CBC, missions, being more active and missional with my choices, or whatever, I am almost certain God is going to keep invading this heart that wants to cling to created things or people rather than the Creator Himself. Jesus is going after my whole heart and he's taking it a little more each day. I thank Him for it. Not sure if that sounds right but this is my 2am, extremely exhausted mind typing this.

I've never been so emotional and physically fatigued to this degree. My rhythm is so throw off that I've almost woken up everyday this past week not knowing what day it was. My head has been pounding today. My emotions are confused. My body is weak (I was so slow playing ball today). But my soul still has peace. I am so disgustingly bad. But God is so beautifully good. Hallelujah.
-Jon

Repentance: Turning away from sin and towards Christ.

Posted at 2:44am ...
It's always easier to talk and assume when things hit you'd respond to it right.

But it's different when that very thing you advise your friend to do is something that gets right up in your own grill. This is when you get to see whether the words you say are words that you yourself believe.

I feel like (I'm starting to get a lot more cautious about opening with this phrase) I'm running away from what I know God's called me to do. I'll go back and forth about it. But sometimes you just start to think ... what do I think the most about? What gives you the most joy? What tears you up the most?

I'm scared. I'm scared to face some deep heart issues. I'd rather run from them, deny they exist, and build myself up by comparing myself with others that appear to be lesser than me. If that sounds conceited/selfish/wretched/pharisee-like, it's probably because it is.

God's still working on this horrifically wretched heart. God, help me.

...
Posted at 4:16am ...

Repentance has never looked so beautiful and clear as it is now.


This year's lesson: The more I see the wretched humanity in me and not just in other people, the more I see/cling/bow before/find peace and rest in Jesus ... who loved/loves me regardless.

"He must increase, but I must decrease."
-John 3:30
(I've had this verse posted at the top left corner of my xanga for years but never has it been fleshed out so clearly. Praise God.)