Angst. I have a lot of it.
I was at post-camp tonight, despite the fact that I have never been involved in any way with D-camp or Impact. The speaker briefly touched on 1 Peter 4 and the suffering entailed for us.
However it was during praise singing that God absolutely knew my heart and sent this little gift:
"Resist him [your adversary the devil, who prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour -> 5:8], firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen."
-1 Peter 5:9-11
What an unbelievable amount of comfort I had upon reading that. The only response is to rejoice I guess.
About Me
- JonLau910
- "The good, bad, ugly, Lord use it. I just want You to be glorified through it." -Andy Mineo
Friday, August 14, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Bad Trade.
Trading ever-increasing joy and life to the full for apathy towards the one necessary thing is never a good trade ... No matter how ridiculously easy and comfortable it may be.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
The Pains of Sanctification, and Religion (Again!?)
I never had a picture of Christianity be this raw. What I mean by that is ... Never have my sheltered eyes been exposed to the reality of "all or nothing" to the extent it is now. It's a struggle but the beauty of it all is when a broken world and the wickedness in humanity clashes with Jesus and the cross. It's not a pretty site. Jesus really wasn't that excited about getting nails hammered into his hands and feet and having the wrath of God poured out on him. He sweat drops of blood and was overwhelmed with sorrow "to the point of death". When I see the raw, reality of the world we live in and how the cross of Christ absolutely collides with it and overcomes it, this is what stirs in me some kind of testosterone-filled angst and violent zeal and produces tears at the same time. This is what implants some kind of fire in my chest that wants to explode out. This is what completely unravels me. This is what makes me feel an unbelievably heavy weight that sinks my heart. This is what produces worship of a holy, righteous, majestic God.
I'm learning a little bit more each day what the word "holy" means. It's painful. It hurts when I'm confronted with my sinfulness and how my wicked and rebellious self could even be in the same room as a holy, righteous God, whose very presence should kill me. The more God unveils the gap, the more I see that gaping disconnect, the more I see how Christ 100% bridged it and reconciled it ... That in response to my offense He endured the cross, substituting his righteousness for my sin, bearing sin's punishment in my place. This is grace. This is the means to repent. This is our means for worship. Nothing else. But why does my heart wander from this so freakin' often? Why? There is nothing but this right? Why do I keep running to other things? It's this stupidity in man that hasn't ever changed. I would always laugh when reading one of the prophets in scripture. I'd think "these people are so freaking retarded. Repent for God's sake! This is where the raw-ness of scripture collides with my pride. This is where scripture isn't merely something read but something that reads me like ... well ... a book (heh). I'm that idolater. I'm that adulterer. I'm that liar. I'm that sinner. I'm that pharisee that needs to repent of my own righteousness and goodness. Sometimes the way I do life in defeat really reflects that I'm no different than the sadducee. But what messes me all up and blows this whole thing up is that by the cross of Christ, I am deemed righteous, in right standing before a holy, perfect God whose very presence should incinerate my helplessly wicked estate. So I am an adulter; I am a thief; but I'm at the same time, I'm not any of these things at all, solely because of the cross of Christ. This is "God is love." Not your cutesy "I like you, you like me, let's hold hands and giggle a lot" love. This is cross enduring, unlimited patience showing, jealous, violent pursuit of a God for His people. This is what I mean by raw. Ain't no games anymore.
The danger in my life thus far is this: I'm afraid that I can continually adapt and learn the language of humility, the cross of Christ, the character and nature of God, etc., and not actually walk, breathe, and wrestle with it. In other words, the thing I war against, the thing that frustrates me the most is the very thing that confronts me daily: Religion. Funny how a year from now, God sent me to the older brother only to show me that I'm the very person God has called me to proclaim Christ to. To latch onto my previous post ... What is really going on in Jon Lau's heart? Self-examination ... Why do I keep running from it?
The thing with sanctification is that no one really told me that it'd hurt like this ... ha. Like, I guess it was assumed that "being made holy" would entail the imperfections of our flesh being stripped more and more each day and in turn being restored with the perfection of the Spirit. I mean to some small degree I knew this but I didn't know how brutal this process would be. The more you grow up and "life beats things out of you" (Chandler), you begin to see that life ain't no game anymore. Some continue to play, but they never find joy. I remember muttering "Ain't no more games; this is life;" sometime during World Changers. Religion has always been the most dangerous game to play. By His grace alone God will continue to save me out of it.
I'm learning a little bit more each day what the word "holy" means. It's painful. It hurts when I'm confronted with my sinfulness and how my wicked and rebellious self could even be in the same room as a holy, righteous God, whose very presence should kill me. The more God unveils the gap, the more I see that gaping disconnect, the more I see how Christ 100% bridged it and reconciled it ... That in response to my offense He endured the cross, substituting his righteousness for my sin, bearing sin's punishment in my place. This is grace. This is the means to repent. This is our means for worship. Nothing else. But why does my heart wander from this so freakin' often? Why? There is nothing but this right? Why do I keep running to other things? It's this stupidity in man that hasn't ever changed. I would always laugh when reading one of the prophets in scripture. I'd think "these people are so freaking retarded. Repent for God's sake! This is where the raw-ness of scripture collides with my pride. This is where scripture isn't merely something read but something that reads me like ... well ... a book (heh). I'm that idolater. I'm that adulterer. I'm that liar. I'm that sinner. I'm that pharisee that needs to repent of my own righteousness and goodness. Sometimes the way I do life in defeat really reflects that I'm no different than the sadducee. But what messes me all up and blows this whole thing up is that by the cross of Christ, I am deemed righteous, in right standing before a holy, perfect God whose very presence should incinerate my helplessly wicked estate. So I am an adulter; I am a thief; but I'm at the same time, I'm not any of these things at all, solely because of the cross of Christ. This is "God is love." Not your cutesy "I like you, you like me, let's hold hands and giggle a lot" love. This is cross enduring, unlimited patience showing, jealous, violent pursuit of a God for His people. This is what I mean by raw. Ain't no games anymore.
The danger in my life thus far is this: I'm afraid that I can continually adapt and learn the language of humility, the cross of Christ, the character and nature of God, etc., and not actually walk, breathe, and wrestle with it. In other words, the thing I war against, the thing that frustrates me the most is the very thing that confronts me daily: Religion. Funny how a year from now, God sent me to the older brother only to show me that I'm the very person God has called me to proclaim Christ to. To latch onto my previous post ... What is really going on in Jon Lau's heart? Self-examination ... Why do I keep running from it?
The thing with sanctification is that no one really told me that it'd hurt like this ... ha. Like, I guess it was assumed that "being made holy" would entail the imperfections of our flesh being stripped more and more each day and in turn being restored with the perfection of the Spirit. I mean to some small degree I knew this but I didn't know how brutal this process would be. The more you grow up and "life beats things out of you" (Chandler), you begin to see that life ain't no game anymore. Some continue to play, but they never find joy. I remember muttering "Ain't no more games; this is life;" sometime during World Changers. Religion has always been the most dangerous game to play. By His grace alone God will continue to save me out of it.
The Heart
The question I have to come face to face with daily is "What is going on in my heart?"
This is where we gotta start if we do in fact take Jesus seriously in the Bible because he's always always brutally going after it. It's a simple question but I think I'm too afraid for what God will expose if I constantly ask this question. But I must ask it and scripture seems to always ask this of me. To not do so would just be running away in cowardice and fear. The tendency is always for me to busy myself or try to justify myself with doing "good things," but that can't be right if the message of the cross was that we can't ever be good enough and that Jesus substituted his righteousness with our sin (and its just punishment) on the cross. To try to do more quiet times, help out more at church, tithe more, etc., in an effort to justify ourselves because of that deep dark feeling that something is wrong at the core of our being, would mean that "Christ died for nothing" (Galatians 2:21)! So ... what is really going on in my heart?
Somehow over the years, I've ran from the necessary biblical practice of self-examination and have thus turned to practicality and religion. It's the most ironic thing sometimes ... How I can use religion to run from God. And something inside me tells me I'm deep in this more than I know/want to acknowledge and come to terms with. So the question remains.
"What is really going on in your heart?"
-Before we busy ourselves with whatever it is we do, we've got to ask ourselves this. God help us.
This is where we gotta start if we do in fact take Jesus seriously in the Bible because he's always always brutally going after it. It's a simple question but I think I'm too afraid for what God will expose if I constantly ask this question. But I must ask it and scripture seems to always ask this of me. To not do so would just be running away in cowardice and fear. The tendency is always for me to busy myself or try to justify myself with doing "good things," but that can't be right if the message of the cross was that we can't ever be good enough and that Jesus substituted his righteousness with our sin (and its just punishment) on the cross. To try to do more quiet times, help out more at church, tithe more, etc., in an effort to justify ourselves because of that deep dark feeling that something is wrong at the core of our being, would mean that "Christ died for nothing" (Galatians 2:21)! So ... what is really going on in my heart?
Somehow over the years, I've ran from the necessary biblical practice of self-examination and have thus turned to practicality and religion. It's the most ironic thing sometimes ... How I can use religion to run from God. And something inside me tells me I'm deep in this more than I know/want to acknowledge and come to terms with. So the question remains.
"What is really going on in your heart?"
-Before we busy ourselves with whatever it is we do, we've got to ask ourselves this. God help us.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Apathy
I'm finding that it's the morally neutral things that most often rob me of my joy in Christ.
Last week during World Changers, I was trying to teach my cousins and a younger youth some basic calculus for fun ... since they all ranged from middle school to 10th grade (and let it be known that I'm not gifted in mathematics in any way but for some reason I have fun teaching the math I do know). I didn't plan it, but I was trying to equip them by teaching some life lessons to go along with me teaching them basic calculus. Of all I remember teaching, the main word/idea/thing (that they somewhat forgot) that I was warning against was apathy.
I've been learning some of the deeper rooted things that I've found that rob me of my joy in Christ. It's what produces boredom, laziness, and something in the core of my heart that says "I was meant to live for so much more" and "there must be more than this." The following words have been what I've found the deeper issues to be. They all relate to one another:
Apathy, complacency, Lukewarm-ness, religiosity, cowardly fear, mistrust in God
Father, Would you stir my affections toward You? Would you stir in my heart an yearning, insatiable thirst for Your scriptures? Would you put to death my apathy and laziness. Would you breathe a violent, zeal to please You ... to bring You glory? Help me Father. Help us.
-It's not shown here, but during World Changers, God granted me one of the most beautiful pictures of the gospel. Luke 18:9-14 has been a text that has been plaguing my life the past month or two and it's almost like God showed it right before my eyes as my fellow brother in Christ could not even look up. Bowed before a cross, with face planted to the ground between his knees, all he could do was cry out for mercy. Amen.
Last week during World Changers, I was trying to teach my cousins and a younger youth some basic calculus for fun ... since they all ranged from middle school to 10th grade (and let it be known that I'm not gifted in mathematics in any way but for some reason I have fun teaching the math I do know). I didn't plan it, but I was trying to equip them by teaching some life lessons to go along with me teaching them basic calculus. Of all I remember teaching, the main word/idea/thing (that they somewhat forgot) that I was warning against was apathy.
I've been learning some of the deeper rooted things that I've found that rob me of my joy in Christ. It's what produces boredom, laziness, and something in the core of my heart that says "I was meant to live for so much more" and "there must be more than this." The following words have been what I've found the deeper issues to be. They all relate to one another:
Apathy, complacency, Lukewarm-ness, religiosity, cowardly fear, mistrust in God
Father, Would you stir my affections toward You? Would you stir in my heart an yearning, insatiable thirst for Your scriptures? Would you put to death my apathy and laziness. Would you breathe a violent, zeal to please You ... to bring You glory? Help me Father. Help us.
-It's not shown here, but during World Changers, God granted me one of the most beautiful pictures of the gospel. Luke 18:9-14 has been a text that has been plaguing my life the past month or two and it's almost like God showed it right before my eyes as my fellow brother in Christ could not even look up. Bowed before a cross, with face planted to the ground between his knees, all he could do was cry out for mercy. Amen.
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