Blogging, and more

My heart has had a longstanding attachment with blogging. 

From my first xanga post during finals week of my sophomore year at Strake Jesuit, to my secret xanga accounts which were named "Misjudged1" and "Unforeseen Facade" (how emo right), to my first post on this site in the Moody Library basement towards the end of my freshman year at Baylor, all the way to a current day house in Rowland Heights, California, blogging has been pretty consistent for some of the most formative years of my life. 

Usually I found myself basically debriefing a web of thoughts at the end of my days for each of those stages of my life. When 2am clocked around and my parents or roommates went to sleep, then came a sense of "freedom" where it was just me and God talking it out (or me just venting to Him, the reader, or myself) ... I can remember very important, transforming parts of my life and locations where I sat to blog what I was seeing, learning, and loving. I kind of loved blogging. It has an intimate attachment for me because sometimes it felt like blogger Jon really was the "real me" ... or as "real" as it could get.

On a side note, it helped me articulate my thoughts a ton.

I always have written with a semi-diary-esque tone ... knowing that a couple of readers might pop in and out and it's afforded me a level of honesty that I was never afraid to embrace for whomever might read it. In some ways I wanted to bless whomever might read it. In some ways it's given my writing a "voice" but as I've began to think about it, over the past couple of years, something's felt missing and I couldn't pinpoint what it was.

I think the same thing could be said about my twitter, which started out as not publicized at all with only like four followers. There was something about the semi-privacy of that account that made it more meaningful for me. 

And I guess the solution could be just to crack down and make everything private but I don't know that that's the right course of action to take. I do want to help and encourage whoever might read what I want to post. But I guess the main reason I say all this is because the thing that's bugged me is getting used to being a "public" person. Of course everyone on social media is as public as they want to be, but even now as a youth pastor, the simple things I used to encourage ministry leaders in college is something I struggle with: Letting those you shepherd in on your life, letting them even see your sin, your junk, your not-together-ness. I don't know that I actually feel uncomfortable doing this, but I'm caught in a tension of being new to ministry where I'm supposed to know what I'm doing and at the same time being honest with the fact that I don't most of the time. 

Because as it is now, I feel like I'm at the raw-est state I could be. Where I'm learning on the go all the time, making plenty of mistakes, and trying to catch enough of them to grow for the future. I tell people that I feel like since I've moved out here, I've been at my "C game" ... meaning everything I do I feel like I used to do better before ... or at least with more genuine passion, faith, expectation ... maybe even throw in "sincerity." And as I keep trucking through school and serving at the church, it feels like I'm just trying to keep up with what God's trying to teach me. Heh, I kind of want to correct/revise some of my word choice here because I feel like if you read it, you can sense my insecurity/unbelief. 

All that to say, for a while I feel like I've supposed to have been a certain guy on par with a certain self-inflicted, extra-biblical standard. I got more than a fair share of encouragement that I've battled not to let myself get puffed up but maybe I bought into it. And I know that God specifically, deliberately, and convincingly brought me out here for my own sanctification. He's exposed a lot and it's really uncomfortable sometimes to see how many insecurities I have. Goodness. And so, all that to say/vent ... I'm kind of a mess in a way right now. And I guess this past year is God's teaching me that, as well as that being okay. The good news of the gospel that He's showing me is that even in all this, He's not only present, but He's drawn near. In a weird tension of feeling like God is distant, in a way I can't deny how near He actually is. I feel I've forgotten the cross in my functional theology ... but it's that act in history that proves God is for me, a guy full of sin and insecurity, for some ridiculous reason, entrusted to tend a flock of kids in some of the most formative years of their lives. 

Heh, I'm not masochistic but somewhere deep down, I'm liking this journey He has me on. As painful as it has been, I feel that it evidences His unrelenting pursuit of me. The real me. Raw, full of holes.

"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." -Psalm 51:17 

"Post-grad" -> "Life"

Heh, I feel like I've finally "graduated" from college to "young adult" ... not because I just graduated from college or anything but because I finally feel like I've come to a place where I understand that all the things that used to shine super bright and grab all the attention are not what yields maturity so much as the long-term commitment to stick things out, rooted in things that may never get the acclaim/praise that the things in college did.

Saying deep things isn't as valuable as living a life of depth ... being able to articulate deep gospel truths isn't as sanctifying as standing deep in it. Community, church, conflict, confronting my avoidance of conflict. Morally neutral things having too much power and devotion from me.

Post-grad feels normal enough for me now to not have to label it such anymore. It's just life now. And I feel comfortable with that. Finally.

And so, I don't diminish in any way what college taught me about God, His gospel, His Church, His Bible, people, etc. A part of me still has a deep love for the college/university campus that is waiting to be unleashed in a sense. Yet, I recognize that it really is those things that I need most right now. And far from putting things off as simply transitionary, I can now see that there's sacrifice, yes, but immense value to setting roots down in the gospel, in the context of deep community, a challenge towards mission, to the glory of God. In the same way I describe this generation as being so individually "free" to choose what they want, so have I for far too long. If the Bible is true and for our joy in freeing us up for more of God, then the family of God takes precedence of my plans .. and contrary to what culture says, sometimes even my "dreams." I feel like the Bible's way of talking about the church expects this kind of Philippians 2 commitment. It's just the natural tone of Acts right?

Anyway. I know that a year from now I'll think this post is ridiculous for the way it sounds. I know I haven't "arrived yet." Far from it. I think I'm seeing with more perspective just how deceiving sin is, how deceitful the heart is when threatened to have Jesus expose its darkness, etc. But as I near 25, I think it's fitting to recognize that it's not about what gets the headlines so much as it is about faithfulness and a life of daily repentance unto obedience for the sake of my utmost joy and God's utmost glory in my life.

And I guess I do echo what I first learned and felt in college: The truth is that though I initially feared the thought of always feeling like a "sojourner" on this side of heaven, I can vibe a little more with that Biblical word with every little bit of life and joy I experience here on earth. I am a stranger and a sojourner on a specific amount of time given by God as a gift. And I will never, ever feel completely "at home" until I'm taken by God. Yet somehow, it's been interesting to see this "exile" of a life like a fun journey ... where God takes me and places me up front with a great view of what He's doing ... how His story is playing out just like He said it would, through the message and power of the gospel of Jesus Christ, crucified and risen for His enemies.

I'm still verbose. I don't advise you listen to my preaching. ha. But for some reason He's called me here to plant myself in youth ministry in LA. He knows and I know that I'm more than unworthy to do this. I really don't deserve a title. But here I am, I guess. In the midst of a lot of uncomfortable sanctification. "Still standing."

Because of Christ,
-Jon

Dear Dad,

Hey dad,

Hope the pre-retirement is going well. Looking forward to seeing you and mom soon ... more than you know :).

Well to be honest dad, I thought about writing what I'm about to say about 6-7 months ago. A number of things have changed since I've moved out here ... not only logistics like living, my church community, and school, but also my processing of who I am ... who I am in Christ. It's been difficult as you guys probably know but I know so convincingly that God has brought me out here for my own sanctification ... for God to give me more of Himself.

And so about 6-7 months ago I went on this retreat for my spiritual formation class in November. Basically it was a nice cabin in the woods retreat where we had time to be silent, reflect, and share our life stories ... specifically in that sharing, we were assigned to share really big/"shaping" moments in our lives, whether they be super difficult seasons, transitionary seasons, etc.

Each sharing took a good half hour plus fifteen minutes of debriefing/prayer for each person and as I heard each story from my group I started to hear a common theme. Whether the person was a church leader, pastor, white, korean, Vietnamese, etc., I started to see a root issue in a lot of their lives: daddy deprivation. It was honestly a little surprising that with each person that shared, there was a a large part of their stories of absent fathers, cheating fathers, abusive fathers, godless fathers. It was a very real moment for me ... to hear so many stories of brokenness not only in the person sharing but in the fathers they were describing.

And as I left that retreat it made me think ... what happens to so many men, called to lead their family, their wife, that causes so much dysfunction and sin? And I know that you know that I'm a big fan of hip hop and the rap genre in general, and there was this song that I heard called "Was it Worth it?" that came on my ipod and it got me pretty emotional hearing yet again another story of a cry of a generation yearning for a hug from their dads. Why it made me feel this way, on the verge of tears, was because I realize how hard it must be to be a father. I can't sit and judge all the men who left, all the men who cheated, all the men who tuned out of their family's lives because when I hear these stories, these songs, I hear how difficult the calling must be. And as I start to think back to my childhood (as a lot of my spiritual formation class has helped me do), it made me realize something about you dad: you were always there. Something always flips me out when I watch/remember those home videos of us in Australia and seeing how you raised me and Chris with mom. And as I recall the difficulties of my adolescent years, how I "shut down" somewhere in middle school and definitely in high school, I remember your pursuit of me as a father for his son ... even when I was the most unreachable and inaccessible, constantly pushing you away. I remember that Strake Jesuit father/son retreat where they forced us to talk to each other lol. And I remember during my college years reading an entry you wrote during that retreat of how hard it was to talk to me because I was so distancing. And as I start to think about "stages" in life, I realize that you were in every one of them, very much present, very much my dad, even if I didn't quite act like your son.

It's been a little ironic nowadays that God has me doing things like preaching, teaching, giving mini-seminars to parents at church on how to raise their kids ... haha. And one thing I notice is that kids really don't give a crap about the parents perspective because they can't even see it until possibly their 20's haha. I recognize that that's how it was for me and to think of how frustrating it must have been all those years has given me more perspective on a lot of things. I know that this may all sound like fluff to you ... because doing what you did is in someway "what dads are supposed to do." But truth is, a lot don't and a lot give up, if not physically, then emotionally (and thus spiritually). But you didn't dad, by the grace of God, you stuck it out, manned up, loved mom, Chris, and me, with a toughness but also with a tenderness that I see as beautifully biblical. We can always talk about mistakes that we've made but honestly, I think my childhood/adolescent/college years had enough of that for the both of us right?

All in all, I can't say much more other than "thanks" ... thanks for fathering me and Chris, for putting in the effort for me especially when I was so unresponsive. I've never doubted your love for me dad ... In some ways I've only learned how much you've loved me more than I thought. And if there's any encouragement, I think that despite all the internal mess in me during those rough years (most of it being self-inflicted), I think you helped me see glimpses of what God the Father felt about me too.

I know usually the dad is supposed to say this to their son, but I want to say that as you're retiring and finally getting to rest from all those years of hard work and endurance (probably feels like "slavery" to you), I wanted to say that as your son "I'm proud of you." I really am. So much so, that I actually like sharing about you to people who don't know you sometimes. I love that your mentality was that education comes from studying more so than innate ability. I love that you became a high school teacher, teaching crazy kids what you've worked hard to master. I admired your discipline to study in your late 50's to pass those tests, get those positions, and have the school recognize you not only as an outstanding teacher, but a fun/lovable man. I brag about your sense of humor to people because I really think you're hilarious. And I hope it doesn't sound too mushy, but I know that God willing, one day I'll brag to my son(s) of the man you were for Chris and me.

Happy Fathers Day Dad. I think I can honestly say that with each year we do this and I say "I love you," I am more equipped to feel greater affection.

Because of Christ,
-Jon

Grocery Shopping?

I have to confess that I cry a lot more these days (no I didn't cry just now from writing this). But sometimes the story of God is too good to be true and our past's inability to receive it for so long makes the slightest unveilings of the story spectacular. I don't know ... But I think each of our (Christian) stories is a retelling of the greatest one and to see that for myself, particularly this past semester, has been painful, revealing, freeing. The following is something I wrote about 3+ months ago ... and it stirred something in me that led me to write this particular experience to my mama for Mother's Day:

[Today was my Sabbath day aka my free day where I didn't have to go to school or church but just stayed home, did some chores and listened to music. I eventually made my way to Wal-Mart to get a few items that I've been needing. Couple of binders, some white tees, socks and some toilet paper ... you know ... the regular shopping list of an unorganized kid trying to become an adult. It was a weird moment but as I heard of the conversations of a mom asking her son what kind of socks to get him, it made me recall all those times where my mom would take me and Chris grocery shopping. Where we would hide in clothing racks and wait for her to find us, where I would complain at how long it was taking to get all these groceries, where me and Chris would beg her for totally unnecessary purchases ... (usually Chris would always be about some gum or whatever the cool kids at school were bringing to class). It reminded me of all those times where I would try to educate my mom on how to more efficiently shop (why was she taking so much time browsing from one end of the store to the other only to do it all over again??? Just get yo items and bounce Ma!). It reminded me of when dad and mom would visit me in Waco and though it wasn't necessary to go to the store (after all I could get what I wanted and they'd end up paying for it on the credit card anyway), we'd still find ourselves at the Wal-Mart.

I remember this past summer when I was in El Paso and living on my own. I didn't go to the store often because frankly, I bought a lot of fast food during those 2 months ... but when I did make it to the HEB, I remember thinking "whoa, I'm by myself now." I mean in college it was somewhat like this but I was with my roommates and friends all the time and we would go together ... And I guess since moving out here to LA, I've gotten used to this seemingly monotonous chore. It's what normal people do after all. But I guess this time I just found myself thinking back to those times where I would totally troll my mom at the grocery store with some lame joke, ask her some ridiculous question, or whatever before moving on and helping her put the stuff in the car. But now it's different. And maybe the reason why I'm expending so much space typing this out is because I've equated the "independent" life with "loneliness." Part of growing up is not having the support of the family to lean on for everything anymore. Though my mom and dad are still alive and kicking, they're not here with me. And to be honest, since taking the internship at El Paso, there have been a handful of moments where I have found myself thinking at how sad this would look if anyone else saw it. Simple tasks that need to get done like grocery shopping or eating lunch become episodes that only remind you of your loneliness.

It's made me think, however. Especially after finishing college, how do young adults cope with this problem? This post was just about a reflection on grocery shopping ... and how much I miss my parents and I guess it's made me think "how many of are there who also go through these seemingly monotonous chores of life and feel this way ... feel so alone, getting through their job, finding ways to keep them going or things to get excited about in the future?" How many go to sleep every day with these similar experiences but no church, no community, and no God with them? By the grace of God I have met great people who also have been made alive together with Christ, a church I not only "work" for but have a community to do life with. And on top of that I'm graced to serve with and under one of my first mentors growing up.

So how does this work if Christ isn't a reality in life? How many countless people go to sleep every night with the big questions of life unanswered and with the only voice to comfort them being their own? How do the middle-class average Americans like us make it through the day (I'm aware this may seem like a "boo hoo existential crisis" post)? Is it really just accepting the cold reality that life is tough, and to keep telling ourselves to endure? Or does this force us on this frantic search to find that special someone to share the loneliness with only to find that they can't fill the void? Do we explore new areas of life we haven't yet seen, get into new scenes and scores of people with new things to do? And what then? What then after?

Holy Spirit, come. Open the eyes of the blind, call into repentance the laziness of the church. We need the gospel to comfort us absolutely, to remind us that we really are ALIVE in Christ, but we also need to recognize that there are scores of people working next to us, serving us at restaurants, brewing us coffee, that need to know that "this" stuff isn't all there is. There's so much more. Church, let's get to work.]

______

Father, stir in us, challenge us, convict us. We're alive but sometimes we view the world exactly the same as those who don't know You at all, as if we're still deadened to Your reality and presence. Let us have the courage to remember the gospel of Christ. Grant it.]

Dear CBC, v.5/2/14

Dear Chinese Baptist Church of Houston, Texas.

It's been a while huh?

I've been wanting to write to you for a while and on more than a couple of occasions have I smiled and thought about the times we've laughed, cried, and grown together under the banner of Christ.

I must admit that I feel a bit awkward because my communication with you has been lacking since I left pretty abruptly about 10 months ago (has it really been that long?). Honestly, it was a tough move for me to make ... not just because it was kind of all of the sudden, but because I was leaving the place where I was born and raised ... ya, CBC has been my only church till recently ... And I really didn't have the time nor the preparation for the move, much less a space to really process such a big change (Literally I received one phone call after hanging out with some friends and it changed everything). Technically I'm still a member of CBC (though that'll change soon) but honestly, a part of me felt really guilty for leaving in the first place in the sudden way that I did, with no warning, but I just wanted to write to say "hi" again to you.

I'm kinda writing, feeling as if I've been sent from CBC to where I'm at now at a church called First Evangelical Church of Diamond Bar. So in a way, you're my Jerusalem or Antioch haha. But ya, I'm not sure you'd be totally interested in an update but I just wanted to write to you because of my love and gratitude for you. CBC was and is the church that has known me and seen my mistakes and progress. It was the setting where I went from a Pokemon card-obsessed loner to the dorky high schooler with an affinity to hip hop lingo. It was where I first heard the gospel, first received a bible, first became a part of the church community, the first church where I was given opportunity to serve for the sake of the body (them youth ministry high school years doe!). It was my home church even when I went off to college and it was my joy to serve alongside you for the sake of the gospel ... from the transitionary years until when I made the move.

And now as I'm in another city 22 hours drive away, I'm encouraged to see your progress and I hope that our paths will cross as the "universal" church furthers the glory of God to the nations.

I have to be honest, I get homesick sometimes. I miss you guys and I miss growing alongside you. But I guess I remember one time in a youth praise or whatever that Justin said something along the lines of what his goal and hope was for us as we got older (I took that he meant it for us youth leaders as well as the youth). Justin said that his ultimate joy and hope for us would be that we'd mature in the gospel, invest in the community, get trained up, and eventually move on and move away to bless those in need with what we've learned. I'm not saying I did all those things well. In fact, I can tell you times I was a pretty flaky postgrad-er. But in some way I feel completely confident that where I'm at right now is exactly where God wants me and is the best path for Him to go even deeper after my heart, freeing it up for more life in Him. That's not to say it's easy but God is faithful ... He really is. Anyway, you have my heart CBC. And I long for the next time I visit back home :). Love you all.

{ehh not sure about this paragraph} ...
I'm not sure all of you know the process of what it was like for me to leave and make the move but if there's anything I've noticed as I've been around the 4 different youth groups I've served in the past 2 years, it's that there's a REAL need not only for the gospel to be heard and understood but really just for kids to know that someone, anyone cares for them. Hence, the real need is indeed the gospel haha. And I guess now that I've made a new "home" at FECDB, I'm starting to see that no matter where we're from or how different our upbringings are, we're all broken people with ultimately the same needs, namely Jesus and his community of people that we can know and be known in. I think in God's providence, I've been given some experiences from Houston (that's you guys), New York, El Paso, and now in Los Angeles to see this truth. The differences are many but the similarities are what has become more clear. I think many youth are so jaded with people they counted on bailing on them that it's hard to believe in a God who "never leaves or forsakes."

The kids over here are fun and great, only a few troublemakers :/, and they seemed to like playing "bang" a lot haha. Could go into more detail but generally if you somehow read this, I'd ask for your prayers for the Holy Spirit to open up their hearts to the gospel as some are so close! Others are battling with (some held bondage to) immense academic pressure, and the younger ones in particular are just in need of more spiritual mentors and leaders to pour into them.

Also, you could pray for me. It's honestly a difficult time for me. I knew that coming out here would challenge me and I knew that God brought me here for the sake of my own sanctification ... but it's been hard and sometimes I feel the tendency to avoid and run away from what God's put in front of me and for me. I've learned a lot more about myself since being out here ... And I realize that even what I thought my purest motives and strongest gifts have sometimes been defenses from God to go after my heart. I've heard "identity" talks many many times. I have and so have you. But as I age and I'm hearing more about expectations and what I should and should not be aiming for and doing, it's hard not to get lost in that identity crisis. Especially when what you've been praised for/affirmed in all your life is no longer there. I guess I'm learning that I'm petrified of what people think of me and in some way God's inviting me to see just how deep His love is for me (and for you).

On another note, if there's any encouragement for you CBC youth, it's this: Take the command to make disciples seriously, for your own growth/maturity, yes, but ultimately for your own joy/life/vitality/freedom. There are countless corners in your schools and hangout spots where real people need to know that someone created them, sustains them, thinks of them notices them, KNOWS them, and LOVES them. So many of your peers are dealing with weighty problems, relational baggage, intense fears, and what Ephesians 2 would describe as "having no hope and without God in the world." And I'm not only talking about the pervasiveness of drugs, sex, pornography, academic cheating, eating disorders, and depression. I'm talking about the scores of youth who simply dont know the God of the Bible. They don't know of Him and have never heard ... They're literally an unreached people. In God's providence and sovereignty, He's given you an Acts 17 opportunity to befriend, love, walk alongside of, and evangelize to (ya evangelism). The truth is that I've found that a lot of youth are open to what the Bible is about ... The Holy Spirit's done something special in that. I challenge you whether you're a freshman, sophomore, junior getting prepped for SATs, or a senior nervous/excited about college to take the time you have left to think deeply on the gospel, the story of the Bible, and how your life testifies to it. I encourage you to worship God in digging up the grace He's lavished on your life in drawing you to Himself. And take that testimony and share it with your friends explicitly. Share it as you go through your classes, lunches, extra-curriculars ... The opportunities are endless and I have a feeling that so many youth you wouldn't expect are so close to the Kingdom. They're far off now in a sense, but in another sense, they're so close. And as much as I am a proponent of missional, relational, intentional discipleship ... In the end of the day, the gospel needs to be made known. And you're your school's best missionaries.

I've written you because I love you CBC, and we've been through the thick and thin. I recognize that God has me in a new season of life and a new church to be planted in for a while. Though this means that I'm not nearly as present with you all, know that I love you and am indebted to the grace you've lavished on me. I truly, sincerely love you. And miss eating Texas Barbeque with yawl.

Because of Christ, and for the sake of His gospel,
-Jon Lau