The struggle.

What a title right? ya, sorry. Don't mean to sound extra dramatic but this is in fact, a struggle.

The daily process of growing into a man involves the process of becoming like a child (Hear me though ... Not acting childish but becoming child-like).

It's a struggle for guys, for me, to not just cognitively know the biblical truth, but to actually believe and strive towards obedience in that biblical truth. My flesh wants nothing to do with this mess. Die to self? Yes, I'll agree on that principle. Walking in it?!? Heck no.

These past 2 weeks have been a stretch. To be honest, I don't know that I can even decipher what's going on anymore. I'm trying with all the vitality in me to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus, His cross, and His mission, yet if I'm gonna give an objective outlook on these past two weeks, it'd look like the following:Not extended grace - check+. Saw the speck while neglected the log-check+. thinking I'm right no matter what-duh. Abandoned the love I had at first- check. Ironic how God in His sovereignty uses His Bible to teach:

“To the angel of the church in Ephesus write: ‘The words of him who holds the seven stars in his right hand, who walks among the seven golden lampstands.

“‘I know your works, your toil and your patient endurance, and how you cannot bear with those who are evil, but have tested those who call themselves apostles and are not, and found them to be false. I know you are enduring patiently and bearing up for my name's sake, and you have not grown weary. But I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first. Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent, and do the works you did at first. If not, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place, unless you repent. Yet this you have: you hate the works of the Nicolaitans, which I also hate. He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To the one who conquers I will grant to eat of the tree of life, which is in the paradise of God.’-Revelation 2:1-7

I just wanna get back to being the Jon who knew nothing and didn't feel an identity crisis because he didn't. I wanna get back to being the Jon who recognized that He had absolutely no hope outside of Christ. NONE! His posture was one on his knees, and his face was not a pretty site because of the tears of crying out for help, for rescue. He knew how utterly dependent He was on God to come through. He recognized that there was no life without Him. When was the last time my prayer sounded like the woman who acknowledged God's justice, yet cried out: “Yes, Lord, yet even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their masters' table” (Matt. 15:27)? or the blind beggar who in the midst of a crowd that's telling him to shut up cries all the louder: "Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!" Where's that dependence a child has for his parents to provide food? That if they don't come through, He's a goner? Where is that freedom in confessing my absolute inadequacy and crying out for help?

Have I forgotten it altogether? Where is it? Have I really programmed in my mind that I'm past that? That the posture of the lame, the leper, the blind beggar ... that it's just elementary?

I'm not saying that I've lost the gospel altogether or haven't been walking with Christ. There have been rich, rich moments this past week where the presence of God has just overwhelmed me, despite the seeming chaos of the college life. And I can honestly say that I will go to the grave for the preservation of sound doctrine but I'm not talking about that here. I'm talking about posture. I just want to get back to the love I had at first. I always look back on my walk as a Christian and think "that Jon is a douche that needs to get punched" but I think I've neglected the moments of 16 year old Jon just crying for God to break him down if that's what it'd take for Him to recognize that He needed Him, needed a Savior. I want to get back there. Not taking steps back in faith by being childish, but steps forward in becoming child-like.

God, forgive me. There is much sin in this sinner. It doesn't come from nowhere. My heart's just wicked. It needs You to save it from itself. I need You to save me from myself. I have a lot of opinions, a lot of suggestions and preferences. And I think a lot of them are infallible. God, you know my heart. You know that I'm doing all that I can to not compromise the gospel ... To guard the good deposit well. But you also know how much filth is in it too. I think it's a scary thing that You know my heart but than I do because from what I know and see, it's gross. I ask you to expose sin that I can't see and You have been faithful. Sometimes I wish my prayers wouldn't be answered. God, you know all the darkness in the corners. You see past my walls, my fortified defenses. You see past my cheap attempts of theological manipulation. You see past a mouth that professes and a heart that's far from. You see it all. I think the crazy thing that the cry for justice in me doesn't want sometimes ... is that Your response is the sending of Your son to endure a punishment and penalty and shame that I should. Praise Your name that Your love overcomes my cry for justice. That grace beats out sin. That the power of the Gospel beats out my pride. I still can't get over the fact that You know everything about me and yet choose to pursue me at great cost of Your son. That not only do You do this, but You do it with a patience that I have no clue about. I am so prone to wander. So quick a transition it is to be in that posture of worship, to bask in the love of Christ, and then to one of childish, senseless rebellion. Forgive me for the anger in my heart at You? My frustration, my ungodly angst. I deserve no love. I deserve justice. But I can't ignore your Bible that says that there is no condemnation ... That there is no wrath. Thank You that in the midst of all my confusion and wandering, there is a solid, historical grounds for my hope. Thank You for the cross. Thank You for raising for my justification. My heart is so bent on justifying my sin, yet You became sin on my behalf. Help me believe that I'm loved on no merit of my own at all. Help me believe that grace is enough. I don't trust that You're a better provider and shepherd than I am sometimes. My baggage wont let me believe that You really do hold the universe together by the word of Your power. I'm scared. I'm scared sometimes that the futile plans of Satan will prevail, that Your church may crumble. I know and try my hardest to believe that the gates of hades will not prevail against Your bride but I can't seem to. Help me with my unbelief Father! Help me! I've got nothing without the power of the gospel. I can't save anyone. I couldn't even save myself. Yet, Jesus, you refused to save yourself on the cross for the joy set before you ... to save MANY. That's who You are. This is me just trying to put into words how short I fall from the glory of God. How sin-sick I am. I know You know everything I'm saying before I even write this, but maybe You're trying to teach me something Father. I don't know. I guess my cry is just that You'd help me. I want to be Your child, wrapped in Your arms. I want to be a man.

Here's for the 100th blogpost of my Baylor years. Hear my cry Father.
-Jon