Originally titled:
"my relationships," there is something very unhealthy about them.
I think in a way, I've been isolating a part of myself from the rest of the world. I tend to want to believe I'm pretty open about my life and sharing what's on my mind with others through the use of blogs and just in conversation ... But I think what's run in my mind for a semester + is a neglecting of some of the deepest concerns, fears, failures, expectations, tragedies, joys in my life. There's a whole lot more that goes into it than this description but I'm very certain that I'm being selfish in not sharing things such as these with my family of BASIC. I apologize.
I can't say something like "From now on, I'll build up the body of Christ by being selflessly honest enough with you guys ... not neglecting what I sometimes need to share and say to you." I think this is a process that I may never see the end to. There is a fine line between loving those enough to risk judgment through sharing what's on one's heart and being a pity-case. It's just in my current walk of life, I feel like I'm neglecting a lot of who I am ... I'm neglecting to do and say things that everything in me tells me to say and do for fear of judgment ... or even worse of the fear of being deemed "religious." I really didn't intend to see the "religious" tangent come into play in this entry but I think I just discovered something.
This is something deeper than my relationships. This is about neglecting who I am and who God's calling me to be for fear of false assumptions ... Even if done with good motive, it's selfish. I apologize. It's weird because I went into this entry thinking "okay Jon, just try not to preach or say too much about Jesus or grace or humility or pride ... just do a 'regular' entry, lest people would think 'there's Jon again ... when will he shut up?'" It's weird cuz I almost didn't even want to mention God at all in this for fear of people adding to their assumption of "religious Jon." Though I am 15899508% in agreement that the Gospel of Jesus Christ and religion are as different as heaven or hell, fear of being deemed "religious" is not a valid reason to neglect from living the gospel of Jesus ... In fact in neglecting to do so, I probably am more religious ... After all, religious people always talk and never do. Religious people always look at the external (like I have been since college started), and not the internal (which I'm working on).
I initially was going to title this "my relationships" and end it with saying that they're somehow unhealthy and dangerous. I'm glad I didn't stop there as I've learned and been through a small process of learning that this whole thing ... How I'm dealing with life has to be looked at inside of the dish and not just the outside. Thus I'm going to conclude this entry that trailed off with this epiphany:
I apologize body of Christ for neglecting to be honest with you all. I'm sorry for not loving you enough to call you out and challenge you. I'm sorry for not loving you enough to war for truth at all costs for us ... Even if that means having some of you not like me as much. I am deeply sorry for neglecting to love you the way Christ did ... all because of the fear of being called religious. Such a reason only proves to in the end be the opposite of selfless. Such a reason actually only manifests itself to be the very label I feared most. Sorry.
Father in heaven, may your sovereign majesty and power collide with this wretched heart.
-Your kid, Jon.
p.s. thanks for 3:46am epiphanies.
About Me
- JonLau910
- "The good, bad, ugly, Lord use it. I just want You to be glorified through it." -Andy Mineo
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
Father, help us. I beg of You.
(I think this will be a foundational entry for this blog. Perhaps this will only be my blog for my stay here at Baylor (1.5 semesters in though). Something tells me that now is not the time to make this open for everyone to read though. Perhaps that's more me than God. I hope not but I'm following through with this. I only pose these thoughts because of my deep concern that I think a lot of you wouldn't misunderstand at the time. At this moment, my selfishness doesn't believe any peers I know would understand this. It's not my own thing. And I believe that most of my friends that would read this would take it as such. This is not a Jon Lau blog. This is a real issue that deals with questions I usually don't wanna wrestle over. Thus I'm blogging it, putting it on permanent record. Forgive all the pride and self-righteousness that seaps out through this. May the Word of God actually be the higher authority than our man-made cultural theology. God own us with the truth of Your scriptures. Demolish everything that's false in us.)
Anyway. Enough with the prologue. Here's my initial entry:
Could it be that we had it wrong all along?
Is it possible that what we've been brought up culturally has only been cultural Christianity teachings instead of Bible teachings?
It gets harder everyday and with each choice. To fight and war for truth or to show the wrath of an apathetic, cold heart who doesn't love those enough who are sinking and don't know it. Truth is more often unpopular, offensive, and personally insulting. Perhaps there is truth in that phrase "You can't handle the truth!" because I'm beginning to see that play out in everyday life.
It's very difficult for me to hear this and that and wrestle over statements that on the surface are all positive and awesome ... I mean in the past I woulda said "Amen!" to such testimonies but I'm wondering now ... Because the main topic of salvation has run rampant even more specifically in me and the people around me. It's very serious ... I mean people can experience spiritual things and not be saved!? Can all 144,489,842 people who "gave their life to Christ" at some rally really end up being those who end having no root or those who get choked by the things of this world ... Those who though they experienced a spiritual high moment, weren't really saved in the first place?!? That freaks the crap outta me. It's like ... That passage on the sower. Only 1/4 was good seed. And the more I grow up, the more I see that passage read the lives of so many people in my life. So many fell on the rock ... They received it at first with joy but they when they were tested, they fell away because they had no root. I've seen those who heard the message but were choked by the "cares and riches and pleasures of life, and their fruit didn't mature" (Luke 8). My heart is torn between whether it was meant to happen or whether I as a follower of Christ and brother in Christ should have done more. Till this day I lament over some of you.
The text is straight-forward and it scares me. Justin keeps referencing it to the youth but "no good tree bears bad fruit, nor again does a bad tree bear good fruit, for each tree is known by its own fruit" (Luke 6:43). It's not about judging others. We'll be able to tell who's of the good soil and who's not by how one lives life. There's good fruit and there's bad fruit. There's not a "pretty good but a lil jacked up" fruit.
Here I am in the basement of the library at Baylor University. All around me are people who have been brought up in the same culture I was brought up in. "Just say this prayer ... You wanna go to heaven with mommy and daddy and not hell with Satan right?" My heart is shattering everyday that I'm here because even though it can sound judgmental, there are a lot of people and friends here that I don't see bearing good fruit, but instead I see more of those being choked, those living lives of defeat and deceit, a lot who have no root.
God's sovereignty is a big theme going on in my life ... What I mean is that God's kinda been teaching me this more specifically. No one told me that "God knows everything," "God created everything," "God will get done what He intends to get done," etc. actually leads to a reality that incites fear in God's sovereignty. It's not that type of feeling you get coming out of Sunday School. It's a struggling, wrestling, physically beating your chest kind of thing. I've repeatedly looked up the term of "God's sovereignty" or "Kingdom of God" and it basically comes out to be "the rule of an eternal sovereign God over all creatures and things (Psalm 103:19; Daniel 4:3). The kingdom of God is also the designation for the sphere of salvation entered into at the new birth (John 3:5-7), and is synonymous with the 'kingdom of heaven.'" (http://www.gotquestions.org/kingdom-of-God.html). In this turmoil, God's sovereignty, that He rules over all things and nothing happens that surprises Him ... That He really does have "everything in the palm of his hands" ... It gives me peace to know and cling to when circumstances press hard me from all sides.
I remember the Jon Lau of high school constantly being bitterly frustrated that everyone thought that such a description was a negative thing and deemed as blah. I'm just afraid that somehow cultural Christianity is just what non-followers of Christ have termed it: just another religion. And I frustratingly agree. When I read the Bible, yes there are times when people are full of joy, shouting out praises to God, but even David, the "man after God's own heart" writes 70% psalms of lament and you kinda get the idea that perhaps David lived a fluctuating life of sorrow, joy, brokenness, thanksgiving, contriteness, adoration, and doubt. One minute he writes of "Oh God you're awesome!" and the next one he's like "Why have you forsaken me and left me alone!?" (not exact quotes ... ). Why have we neglected certain parts of the Bible that we are scared to touch? 2 Timothy 3:16 keeps reassuring me that everything in this book has been consistent, never changing, and that we're neglecting so much of it. I mean ... even Jesus seems to have had more instances of severe, excruciating pain through his 33 or so years of life. I mean the heart of our faith is that the Son of God was bloodied, splattered, and cut to pieces on a cross (equivalent to the lethal injection or the electric chair of nowadays). That's kinda different than the picture of him in Sunday School. There's a different type of love shown at that cross than our Christian television networks like to display. A love that if understood would leave people with nothing else to do but fall on our knees and faces and cry out in humility to a God so great that even though we as children pout, cry, complain, disobey, and reject this free gift of love, He still sent His son Jesus to fully absorb the wrath that was due for us, giving us the opportunity to now have a relationship with this great Creator that we are nowhere near worthy of being in the same building as.
God help us. Grant me persistence ... An uncomfortable heart that is never satisfied with where it's at ... But a broken and contrite heart that is always chasing after more of You. You are the good news. Please help me with my unbelief. I can't do this on my own. Studying of You is good, church is good, but only You transform hearts. Help me believe this. Grant me the grace you continue to show me. Grant me bravery and courage to speak the truth even though it's completely scary to speak what's unpopular. Open my eyes from always focusing on myself and my struggle. Open my eyes to those around me. Please help me not forget the older brother in the story of the Prodigal son. Please help me understand what this even means. I don't get myself sometimes but if continually showing me how crappy and depraved and deeply tainted and scarred I am brings me to a closer intimate relationship with You, keep doing this. Keep sanctifying your childlish son. Transform me to have child-like faith without having the a prideful childishness. Destroy the religion in me. Destroy the pride in me. I'm helpless. Thank You for saving me. Help me Father. Discipline your son. Please humble me and show mercy. Please help me not be afraid of brutal self-examination. Please grant me the ability to be still and be honest to myself with where I'm at. Please keep self-deceit far from me. Continually remind me of Your sovereignty and at the core of my being, would you grow me to cling to the cross? Would you grow me to be able to pray this prayer ... ?
7Two things I ask of you;
deny them not to me before I die:
8Remove far from me falsehood and lying;
give me neither poverty nor riches;
feed me with the food that is needful for me,
9lest I be full and deny you
and say, "Who is the LORD?"
or lest I be poor and steal
and profane the name of my God.
-Proverbs 30:7-9
My brothers and sisters, family, friends, and peers need You Father. Please save us from ourselves.
--You'll only be able to read this after I've made this blogspot public (after another entry) or find it on my xanga or facebook ... Reason I do this is because something tells me that now is not the time to make this totally public. Perhaps that's more me than God. I hope not but I'm following through with this. I only pose these thoughts because of my deep concern that I think a lot of you would misunderstand this at this time. Forgive my selfishness. But please if you read this, really just be honest with yourself. Retreat for some time and really reflect on where life's going for you continually. Brutally examine whether or not you're producing good fruit or bad fruit. If you're caught in the middle of "I am a decently good church-going person but ..." please understand that the Bible leaves no room for such people to call themselves "followers of Christ." There are times where we'll fall flat on our faces but there's a fine line between screwing up and using God's unconditional forgiveness and being acquitted and freed by the blood of Christ. Please be honest to yourself. Do it for the body of Christ, but most of all do it for the sake of God's glory and hence your own joy. Please.
-Jon, 11:43pm, Moody Library Basement, 3/16/09
What do you do with "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love" (1 John 4:18) when fear utterly consumes you because of things as central as this? Possibly taken out of context (Possibly interrelated) ... I've got a lot of growing to do. Continue to humiliatingly love me by showing me how wretched I am if it'll help me fall on my face in worship of You. Thank You God for being God.
Anyway. Enough with the prologue. Here's my initial entry:
Could it be that we had it wrong all along?
Is it possible that what we've been brought up culturally has only been cultural Christianity teachings instead of Bible teachings?
It gets harder everyday and with each choice. To fight and war for truth or to show the wrath of an apathetic, cold heart who doesn't love those enough who are sinking and don't know it. Truth is more often unpopular, offensive, and personally insulting. Perhaps there is truth in that phrase "You can't handle the truth!" because I'm beginning to see that play out in everyday life.
It's very difficult for me to hear this and that and wrestle over statements that on the surface are all positive and awesome ... I mean in the past I woulda said "Amen!" to such testimonies but I'm wondering now ... Because the main topic of salvation has run rampant even more specifically in me and the people around me. It's very serious ... I mean people can experience spiritual things and not be saved!? Can all 144,489,842 people who "gave their life to Christ" at some rally really end up being those who end having no root or those who get choked by the things of this world ... Those who though they experienced a spiritual high moment, weren't really saved in the first place?!? That freaks the crap outta me. It's like ... That passage on the sower. Only 1/4 was good seed. And the more I grow up, the more I see that passage read the lives of so many people in my life. So many fell on the rock ... They received it at first with joy but they when they were tested, they fell away because they had no root. I've seen those who heard the message but were choked by the "cares and riches and pleasures of life, and their fruit didn't mature" (Luke 8). My heart is torn between whether it was meant to happen or whether I as a follower of Christ and brother in Christ should have done more. Till this day I lament over some of you.
The text is straight-forward and it scares me. Justin keeps referencing it to the youth but "no good tree bears bad fruit, nor again does a bad tree bear good fruit, for each tree is known by its own fruit" (Luke 6:43). It's not about judging others. We'll be able to tell who's of the good soil and who's not by how one lives life. There's good fruit and there's bad fruit. There's not a "pretty good but a lil jacked up" fruit.
Here I am in the basement of the library at Baylor University. All around me are people who have been brought up in the same culture I was brought up in. "Just say this prayer ... You wanna go to heaven with mommy and daddy and not hell with Satan right?" My heart is shattering everyday that I'm here because even though it can sound judgmental, there are a lot of people and friends here that I don't see bearing good fruit, but instead I see more of those being choked, those living lives of defeat and deceit, a lot who have no root.
God's sovereignty is a big theme going on in my life ... What I mean is that God's kinda been teaching me this more specifically. No one told me that "God knows everything," "God created everything," "God will get done what He intends to get done," etc. actually leads to a reality that incites fear in God's sovereignty. It's not that type of feeling you get coming out of Sunday School. It's a struggling, wrestling, physically beating your chest kind of thing. I've repeatedly looked up the term of "God's sovereignty" or "Kingdom of God" and it basically comes out to be "the rule of an eternal sovereign God over all creatures and things (Psalm 103:19; Daniel 4:3). The kingdom of God is also the designation for the sphere of salvation entered into at the new birth (John 3:5-7), and is synonymous with the 'kingdom of heaven.'" (http://www.gotquestions.org/kingdom-of-God.html). In this turmoil, God's sovereignty, that He rules over all things and nothing happens that surprises Him ... That He really does have "everything in the palm of his hands" ... It gives me peace to know and cling to when circumstances press hard me from all sides.
I remember the Jon Lau of high school constantly being bitterly frustrated that everyone thought that such a description was a negative thing and deemed as blah. I'm just afraid that somehow cultural Christianity is just what non-followers of Christ have termed it: just another religion. And I frustratingly agree. When I read the Bible, yes there are times when people are full of joy, shouting out praises to God, but even David, the "man after God's own heart" writes 70% psalms of lament and you kinda get the idea that perhaps David lived a fluctuating life of sorrow, joy, brokenness, thanksgiving, contriteness, adoration, and doubt. One minute he writes of "Oh God you're awesome!" and the next one he's like "Why have you forsaken me and left me alone!?" (not exact quotes ... ). Why have we neglected certain parts of the Bible that we are scared to touch? 2 Timothy 3:16 keeps reassuring me that everything in this book has been consistent, never changing, and that we're neglecting so much of it. I mean ... even Jesus seems to have had more instances of severe, excruciating pain through his 33 or so years of life. I mean the heart of our faith is that the Son of God was bloodied, splattered, and cut to pieces on a cross (equivalent to the lethal injection or the electric chair of nowadays). That's kinda different than the picture of him in Sunday School. There's a different type of love shown at that cross than our Christian television networks like to display. A love that if understood would leave people with nothing else to do but fall on our knees and faces and cry out in humility to a God so great that even though we as children pout, cry, complain, disobey, and reject this free gift of love, He still sent His son Jesus to fully absorb the wrath that was due for us, giving us the opportunity to now have a relationship with this great Creator that we are nowhere near worthy of being in the same building as.
God help us. Grant me persistence ... An uncomfortable heart that is never satisfied with where it's at ... But a broken and contrite heart that is always chasing after more of You. You are the good news. Please help me with my unbelief. I can't do this on my own. Studying of You is good, church is good, but only You transform hearts. Help me believe this. Grant me the grace you continue to show me. Grant me bravery and courage to speak the truth even though it's completely scary to speak what's unpopular. Open my eyes from always focusing on myself and my struggle. Open my eyes to those around me. Please help me not forget the older brother in the story of the Prodigal son. Please help me understand what this even means. I don't get myself sometimes but if continually showing me how crappy and depraved and deeply tainted and scarred I am brings me to a closer intimate relationship with You, keep doing this. Keep sanctifying your childlish son. Transform me to have child-like faith without having the a prideful childishness. Destroy the religion in me. Destroy the pride in me. I'm helpless. Thank You for saving me. Help me Father. Discipline your son. Please humble me and show mercy. Please help me not be afraid of brutal self-examination. Please grant me the ability to be still and be honest to myself with where I'm at. Please keep self-deceit far from me. Continually remind me of Your sovereignty and at the core of my being, would you grow me to cling to the cross? Would you grow me to be able to pray this prayer ... ?
7Two things I ask of you;
deny them not to me before I die:
8Remove far from me falsehood and lying;
give me neither poverty nor riches;
feed me with the food that is needful for me,
9lest I be full and deny you
and say, "Who is the LORD?"
or lest I be poor and steal
and profane the name of my God.
-Proverbs 30:7-9
My brothers and sisters, family, friends, and peers need You Father. Please save us from ourselves.
--You'll only be able to read this after I've made this blogspot public (after another entry) or find it on my xanga or facebook ... Reason I do this is because something tells me that now is not the time to make this totally public. Perhaps that's more me than God. I hope not but I'm following through with this. I only pose these thoughts because of my deep concern that I think a lot of you would misunderstand this at this time. Forgive my selfishness. But please if you read this, really just be honest with yourself. Retreat for some time and really reflect on where life's going for you continually. Brutally examine whether or not you're producing good fruit or bad fruit. If you're caught in the middle of "I am a decently good church-going person but ..." please understand that the Bible leaves no room for such people to call themselves "followers of Christ." There are times where we'll fall flat on our faces but there's a fine line between screwing up and using God's unconditional forgiveness and being acquitted and freed by the blood of Christ. Please be honest to yourself. Do it for the body of Christ, but most of all do it for the sake of God's glory and hence your own joy. Please.
-Jon, 11:43pm, Moody Library Basement, 3/16/09
What do you do with "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love" (1 John 4:18) when fear utterly consumes you because of things as central as this? Possibly taken out of context (Possibly interrelated) ... I've got a lot of growing to do. Continue to humiliatingly love me by showing me how wretched I am if it'll help me fall on my face in worship of You. Thank You God for being God.
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