Christmas break '13

It's been a wonderful, encouraging week back here in H-Town. Got to see a lot of people whom God's really used in different seasons of life to give me more of Himself. Several delicious meals (gonna miss that bbq), good convos, Rockets basketball and even a little recreation (four games of lasertag!) later ... I feel like I'm ready for this next season of life back home in "soCal." Wish I coulda made the schedules work out to see some of you I missed but until next time ... Guess we'll have even more to catch up on. Deuces Houston. Special shoutout to my family and extended family. His faithfulness in each of our lives, despite our mistakes, is freakin amazing.

"Keep yourselves in the love of God"

But you, beloved, building yourselves up in your most holy faith and praying in the Holy Spirit, keep yourselves in the love of God, waiting for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ that leads to eternal life. And have mercy on those who doubt; save others by snatching them out of the fire; to others show mercy with fear, hating even the garment stained by the flesh.
-Jude 1:20-23

the "feels"

There's something about this video that really stirs something I almost lost.

On another note, guess I'm in the right city.

#PostGradLife

Amongst the many late late nights in the Baylor library, I used to wonder what it was like for grad students ... they'd always have a stack of books (i dont think i ever checked out a book as an undergrad at baylor) and always seemed to be writing 100 page papers or something. I imagined that they were just starting the day when I was there trying to finish mine ... but perhaps tonight I realize I'm on the other side of things now haha. Well ... My paper's only 15 pages and I probably will never be a morning person. Oh well. #PostGradLife

Word

"No matter who a man may be, if he teaches you in accordance with his own thought and mind his teaching is false. But if he teaches you in accordance with the word of God, it is not he that teaches you, but God who teaches him."
-Ulrich Zwingli

Christ, my sanity.

It's a weird season of life but I found myself resonating with a lyric that I haven't listened to for while. Aug used to lead it a lot ("Mystery" by Charlie Hall). The above video isn't the song but it seemed to capture my heart at this moment more than my words can.

Because of Christ,
-Jon

First day, heh.

So today marked my first official day at work.

Just watched a sermon off a friend's facebook wall and coupled with a ton of other factors, I feel God's been so gracious to remind me that He doesn't need me. Ha.

I find my mind wondering how "effectiveness" of ministry can make me look to others. If I preach well enough, with enough humor, with enough biblical insight, then maybe the kids will really love and praise me ... maybe my peers might respect me ... maybe my parents will be proud of me. 

They warn you when you are trying to discern your calling to ministry "Don't enter in if you can help it." Because behind all the social media that inspire me to want to be something (or someone) "important," is the reality that aspiring to this office might just get me more God and question my soul if that's enough.

More than a stage, a blog, a tweet can say, what I most need to remember is that my main job as a "pastor" (I still feel uncomfortable being called that) is to invest for the long haul in equipping the church family to do the work of the ministry (Eph. 4:12). May this understanding free me up to love these kids and this church instead of looking for love from them. 

New to this "shepherding" thing,

-Jon

*edit*
As pointed out by someone in class about two weeks ago, my main "job" as a pastor is to walk with the LORD*. Oh ya ...

Reflections from random readings in class.

The cross is an expression of God's very self, His very nature. God is our salvation.

Salvation is a manifestation of the character of God. Gracious, slow to anger, abounding in steadfast love, forgiving iniquity BUT who will by no means clear the guilty.

It is very true that at the core of the gospel is a profound mystery that digs deep into who our Triune God is. I can barely even see it but it's amazing. Indeed, digging deep into the gospel will require one to dig "into the deep things of God," Himself.

God, reveal more of Yourself. I want to see. Give me sight to behold.

"A gospel too small"

"A gospel which is only about the moment of conversion but does not extend to every moment of life in Christ is too small. A gospel that gets your sins forgiven but offers no power for transformation is too small. A gospel that isolates one of the benefits of union with Christ and ignores all the others is too small. A gospel that must be measured by your own moral conduct, social conscience, or religious experience is too small. A gospel that rearranges the components of your life but does not put you personally in the presence of God is too small."
-Fred Sanders, "The Deep Things of God"

It's a blessing to have to read this as homework. Freal.

Scattered thoughts v.SoCal

Humbled by how much I need to learn.

Broken by the reality of the Fall for the first time in a long time. It gets more real the older I get. People need to know that there's hope. 

Pensive but hopeful in the power of Jesus.

Grateful for the school and church God's provided me to learn and serve in.

Banking on the blood of Christ.

Wanting to yearn for a more real, consistent intimate relationship with Christ. There's always more life to be had.

Reminded that the end goal of the gospel is getting God. It is about getting back to the sweetness and satisfaction of knowing and being with God, Himself. It's what we were created for. It's what we rebelled against. It's what Christ died to restore. Communion with God is basically what atonement is about. It's basically everything. Though I didn't read the book, the idea of "God is the Gospel" (Piper) has really helped me in this slow process of sanctification. He's the goal.

Caught off guard that God would still want to pursue a relationship with me. Somewhere in this ministry thing I had forgotten that God still cared about Jon, not just them. 

As one of the books I am required to read put it, I really need to get over trying to "live for God" and instead just enjoy living with Him.

In effort to summarize what I'm learning in bite-size readable pieces,
-Jon

I don't know where I am right now and it's awesome.

So ... I'm in LA (or ... er ... "Southern California") lol.

I really don't know how I got here so fast ... it's so crazy, but I'm grateful for the opportunity.

I really feel like God literally just picked me up and carried me over here. It's been weird but this journey following Jesus is so unexpected sometimes ... It's so good.

I know new challenges will come but if there's anything I've learned, it's that I'm small and God isn't.

Here's to this next season of getting equipped and serving young kiddos for the sake of building up the body of Christ. Thanks God. Grow me more please!
-Jon Lau

Prayers

"Restore to me the joy of your salvation!"

"I believe; help my unbelief!"

"Hear my cry Father!"

"What are you downcast oh my soul! Why so downcast within! Hope in God!"

Only you can save Father. Draw more to Yourself.

Jesus, oh Jesus, there is none like You. There never will be. Thank you for giving a hope that is tangible and real, a hope that won't disappoint.

"Since then you've been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God! Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on the earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, you will also appear with him in glory."

"The law of the lord is perfect, reviving the soul.
The testimony of the Lord is sure, making wise the simple"

Week 1 in the books.

So basically I'm getting paid to hang out with youth and teach them the Bible. This is awesome.

You know those times where you kind of just notice what's going on around you and you don't necessarily have a lot of time to take it all in but you know you're noticing it? I guess that could summarize some of the things I'm learning while spending time with the youth here at EPGCBC.

For the sake of organization and less ranting (doesn't mean this wont be a long post), I'll once again attempt at numbering my main thoughts:

1) Those thoughts I described in the previous paragraph seemed to happen a lot during my undergrad years at Baylor in regards to church planting ... and this internship really is a gift as I'm basically walking into a group of youth with no set leadership or resources. So for the main part, I'm grateful that in some ways I'm starting from scratch and I'm learning more and more concretely what I believe the heart of the scriptures say. Teaching youth will do that to you.

2) Not that I'm a pastor yet or that I'm owed it, but being a youth minister or pastor must be really freakin hard. Makes me love mine more. Within the 1st week of being here I've learned that youth ministry is a whole different ball game than college ministry, YET at the same time, I'm starting to see the connections between the two ... and how they ooze into the life stage I'm at now. It's like all the stages of my life so far are coming together in regards to ministry. I find it quite neat anyway ... but ya, youth ministry is no joke ... There's so much that goes into it.

3) There is a real need for more churches, more church planters, more pastors, more missionaries, more disciples of Jesus who make disciples of Jesus who make disciples of Jesus and so on ... (reference to some book's phrase I haven't read but liked). One of the first thoughts I had after spending 2-3 days with the kids and their parents was "there must be a number of communities that don't have Christian leaders/pastors/churches to have the gospel shared to, much less discipleship." I'm trying to reach and equip first generation Chinese American youth and first generation American-born Chinese American youth in the city of El Paso ... And the first thing I thought even before getting here was "I wish I could bring 1-2 people here to help me." Though I was encouraged by the church leaders hospitality, I was a bit overwhelmed by how big the need here was for the church's youth.

4) One of the more sobering things I'm starting to see is that there really are no days off as a Christian.

5) To add to that, it is especially true of pastors. If I ever intend to be one, there has got to be some pretty substantial changes in terms of my normal routine lifestyle and habits (such as not blogging at 4am).

6) It's a privilege to be doing what I'm doing.

7) The gospel is really really the only message I have to give ... that will last.
*A gospel that doesn't have its readers gravitate to the person of Jesus and the event of the cross isn't really the Christian gospel. Like I want to teach in a way that you're at the scene of Golgotha and at the same time seeing the grand cosmic event (and transaction) taking place.

8) As financial realities have started to force me to "grow up," I wonder how Paul could trust God so much (and know God would come through so confidently) by constantly sharing the gospel "free of charge." I'm aware that he asked for donations at times and I'm sure it helped that he never married ... but still. Makes me thinks.

9) My heart especially goes out to those who "mature out of the faith." Separate blog post on this one by itself coming next probably.

10. So grateful for this opportunity that God's given me. I need prayer.

Heh, I made a top 10 (in no order though).

Because of Christ,
-Jon

Life update of the past month and onward.

been a pretty sweet couple of weeks ... seeing my friends joe/deb get married, getting to hang out and teach some of the youth at el paso cbc summer retreat, coming back home to good eats and good laughs with my cbc family and various baylor kiddos and alumni, having chris/esther come down to visit while we celebrated my baby cousin dana's high school graduation with awkward/random cheers from chris ... and finishing off with getting to see the bcbc family for bbq last night. It's been a crazy/blessed past month or so. And on Tuesday is the start of a summer internship at el paso cbc working with the youth. Life in Jesus isn't easy. Post-grad surely hasn't been ... But as Joe/Deb would say, it's a freakin' fun "adventure" (I added the word "freakin'").

Prayers appreciated for the youth in El Paso, El Paso Grace CBC as they continue to strive to reach Chinese El Pasoans with the gospel, and myself as I try to serve/teach/equip/love well.

I don't know that there's been a more surprising season of my life in terms of having my sin exposed as this one. I didn't realize how much more growing up I have left ... But I'm grateful for these past 6 months. God is good, regardless of things lining up the way I wanted them to ... I didn't know it'd be a comfort to know that God's character is unchanging, and not predicated on what I think or feel.

deuces.

Blessed

So immensely blessed by Joey/Deb's wedding.

I don't even know that I asked for it, nor looked for it, but God showed me a clear picture of the gospel this weekend in them that left me a bit undone and full of joy and celebration. I can't believe that God delights in us. There's so much of me that knows what I ought to be rendered but was shown that instead of justice, God pursues his wayward, adulterous bride. Messy as we are, Christ came and died for sinners.

So beautiful was their wedding. Perhaps some day, so beautiful will be mine. For certain one day, so beautiful will be the church's. Jesus come.

Great weekend.

Really grateful to have experienced such fun and joy with my AFC fam in Waco and my CBC fam in the H this weekend. Even though it was only a day, before bed on Friday, I found myself smiling just thinking about how much I didn't realize I missed yawl. Cant wait to visit again soon. And coming back Saturday, I realized how gracious God is for giving me a home church like CBC. As much as I wanted to prove myself coming out of graduation as this confident, strong guy that knew what he was doing, God's humbled me and given me an imperfect but great community instead.

Post-grad life has not been easy by any stretch. It's been one of the hardest seasons of my life so far (and no that's not every season of life lol). Idolatry and identity issues have been exposed. The sense of fighting to prove myself has been confronted. And learning what exactly "waiting on God" means is still a process. Not gonna lie, it's been frustrating a lot of the time. It still is. But I've never felt God's pursuing and sanctifying me as a childish son so strongly in any other season of life.

I'm still unemployed. Still not knowing how exactly to respond to life update questions. But it's all good.

Pray that I'd get to work freal though and "just do something."
-Jon

First (er Second) Paper submission Reflections

So I just submitted my final paper for New Testament 2 and I just wanted to write down some recurring themes that kept coming at me:

1) "Jon you too young and ignant to be even in the discussion with these scholars, much less writing a paper about all this stuff" (some aren't alive btw)
2) Either my brain is fried or I really don't know as much as I thought lol.
3) we're really prone to reading into the scriptures instead of letting it just speak. you can even read good theology into the scriptures (it's not a win).
4) i just want to go outside and play ... (kidding ish)
5) eh, my writing needs work haha.

Overall, I know I could have done better with this paper. I don't believe it to be slop, but it's not nearly as good as I thought I could have made it had I not been so eh with time management.

The funny thing about writing papers in seminary as opposed to my undergrad years is that it really isn't so much about the grade I'll get but 1) how much I actually learned 2) how much effort I'm willing to put in to learn as much as I can.

Oh, the topic was "Works of the Law in Paul" ... and all that that entails.

Don't forget.

One of the most influential truths I've come to learn in recent years is to see repentance as a gracious invitation.

I have forgotten that truth it seems.

[No Title]

Being self-absorbed, self-pitying, self-illusioned really makes gospel opportunities impossible to see. Who knew that pure self-interest was the harshest kind of slavery?

I frequently forget the message. The weight. The truth. The freedom purchased. Father, help me remember. Help me see rightly again.
____________

It's really funny (ironic?) though. As a guy aspiring to be a pastor, I sometimes let myself become disillusioned to the truth that life here really is fallen ... to the point that even the most beautiful and precious things in all the world are longing to be set free. It's hard to take in and confront sometimes. But there are conversations with people, statuses you read, relationships broken that remind you that people simply need Jesus. He really is the only hope we have. Spirit, magnify the good news of the Son.

"The Bible tells us sad things in the end to make us glad."

"For in much wisdom is much vexation, and he who increases knowledge increases sorrow."
-Ecclesiastes 1:18
____________________________________________________________________

“Lord I’m tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I’m so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I’ll stop
Rest here a while

And didn’t You see me cry’n?
And didn’t You hear me call Your name?
Wasn’t it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You’d remember
Where you set it down

Chorus:
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give

Bridge:
I didn’t notice You were standing here
I didn’t know that
That was You holding me
I didn’t notice You were cry’n too
I didn’t know that
That was You washing my feet”
-"All I Can Say" by David Crowder Band

PostGrad Thought #3

Note to self, God's just as good to you when you don't have a job and when you do get one. Don't praise Him only when you get what you want.

Thanks Father for this season of life you have me in. It's definitely not what I expected but I've felt you pursuing and shaping me more than any other season. I have doubts and questions still. I sometimes believe the lies that tell me my identity is based upon my employment or relationship status. I sometimes revert back to elevating my hobbies and gifts to be my basis of "being somebody." But You've been here to always pull me back. In the end, just help me understand more and more clearly the message of the scriptures. Let them correct the way I see things. Let them push me deep.

And to be honest, help me care more than I do. Through so much inner turmoil with my identity and lack of employment, it's been hard to care for others, much less notice them and their needs. You're exposing that in me and I ask that you help me get back to seeing myself as nothing more or less than a servant. Lower my opinion of myself. Help me see how I can love and serve the body.

I know so many friends that are hurting and can't really approach them about it as I would like. Help them know that You're not far. Help them know You've been there the whole time ... if only they'd repent and trust You again. Do that work in their hearts Holy Spirit. Show them the freedom found only in the message of the cross.

Heh.

"The good, bad, ugly, Lord use it. I just want You to be glorified through it."
-Andy Mineo

That's a prayer of mine for this season of my life. Can't make sense of it all. Lord use it anyway for the glory of Your name.

Post-Grad Random Transition Post #13432 (or #1?)

You know a hymn is good when you're not even a fan of the music you've heard it sung to lol:

"All I Once Held Dear, Built My Life Upon
All This World Reveres And Wars To Own
All I Once Thought Gain I Have Counted Loss
Spent And Worthless Now Compared To This

Knowing You, Jesus, Knowing You
There Is No Greater Thing
You're My All, You're The Best
You're My Joy, My Righteousness
And I Love You Lord"

[Somewhere in this sanctifying walk with Jesus, I've slowly started to find out the painful freedom of Jesus' command to lose your life in order to save it. It's so true that the call to discipleship with Jesus is a call to die. Yet, in so doing, we find life much more full than we could have ever fathomed before. God is for us indeed.]

God, I want that Philippians 3 message in my heart and soul and mind. I just can't let go of some things. Help me. I want more of You. Help me want more.

"Stuck."

You're not too far for Him. You're not too far.

“Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here”
-Switchfoot

You could say that I've been "stuck." To be honest, looking for work is hard and largely discouraging. And perhaps the reason why this month has been littered with apathy and laziness is because I've forgotten what I really want, what the goal is (ultimately), and how I plan to get there. So I was walking back to my room (where I am now) and wondering why is it that I'm running so far from what I believed God's led me to do, I decided to ask myself "What is it that I'm doing? What do ultimately I want? Why am I even doing this seminary thing for the mDiv to do ministry forever?" "What's the plan Jon?" "Do you have one?"

Initially I was scared by these questions. They're a little too poignant to be comfortable. I was scared it'd take a while to figure it out too. Yet, it didn't take long. I looked through some highlights of my last 5 years of life (thanks facebook) and it was actually a recent post that led me to this song and stirred my mind and heart again for what exactly is my passion: I want MEN to be made ALIVE in Jesus. Youth-aged, college, young adult, older guys. MEN. It's not that I don't want women to know Jesus. It's just that something in me hurts and excites at the idea of men coming to know the gospel, being set free from the law of sin and death, and living out grace as part of a community that counts their lives as nothing for the sake of the gospel. Like when I pray that God would save in might and power, the faces that come to mind are those of men.

I don't know how long it'll take for me to grow up and finally stop running from responsibility. In a sense, the people I want to take the gospel to the most is people like me: Average guys that sin a lot and need the gospel to set them free from themselves. Guys who struggle with the idea of "being somebody." Guys who put on the bravado of strength but on the inside struggle with loneliness. Guys who constantly run from responsibility because they're afraid to fail and thus lose respect for themselves. My testimony is basically that Jesus has gone to dramatic and costly lengths to clearly demonstrate that God loves average guys like me. I know that every day in class, in the business world, on are facebooks, are countless men who need to know this God and they simply don't. And it hurts that they can't see it.

I didn't realize that I'd be moved so deeply by this song. I don't even think I could articulate why it just moved me so much during that bridge, yet it kinda spurred this post. Somehow.

[Guys, you’ve heard stories of redemption. For some of you, you’ve heard many. But maybe “forgiveness is right where you fell.” Maybe to you, forgiveness is for other people but NOT you (“For the next guy who has his life more together than me”). Maybe to you, forgiveness just isn’t the proper response given with the sins and mistakes you’ve committed. Maybe you cant respect a God who freely forgives sins for free. Please hear me in saying that the whole point of Christianity is that Christ bore the justice you deserved and that you were bought with a price. It wasn’t free for Jesus. Justice wasn’t thwarted or forgotten about. God HATES sin and He “will by no means clear the guilty.” You better believe that blood was spilt. But the good news is that it’s not yours. That’s the message of the cross. Don’t let your pride say your sin is greater than God’s grace. You’re not that big or strong. Find freedom in losing hope in yourself and your own “try harder” strategies. They’ve never worked. They never will. “Repent and believe” the gospel. It’s really good news for sinners like us.]

Average dude, sinner, bought with a price, to His glory,
-Jon

My prayer

Father, stir my heart to care again. Help me stop looking at myself and my next steps so much so that I can't even see the people around me. Help me start to pray again for the lost people in my life that simply don't know You. Help me in some way approach and love people the way that Jesus did. It's so hard not to be overcome by the fear of failure in doing what the world tells me I ought to be doing. Help me recognize the authority of Your word over all the other voices coming at me. Help me see the way I used to. Help me wake up preaching Colossians 3 to myself again. Help me get back to the place where I cried for my friends who ditched church. Help me get back to the place where I begged that you'd save my friends who desperately needed Jesus.

Finally.

So I'm a seminary student. Finally.

Just finished a long day of orientation yesterday and it's official that I'll be part-timing (still job-searching) at Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary this spring, taking New Testament I and II on Monday nights and all day every other Saturday for 2 months.

It's definitely a small commuter school (only like 20 people in orientation yesterday) and in some ways I like that. Hearing a lot of older, wiser brothers and sisters in Christ encourage us and pray for us was making me tear up. Goodness, on the first day I'm already crying haha. And one of the things that sticks out was what I believe the founder of the seminary said over lunch yesterday ... What a privilege it is to be a preacher of the gospel. Privilege. We're nobodies. I'm NOT freakin' awesome no matter how much my pride wishes otherwise. Yet, God calls us to herald the greatest news there is in the midst of a "twisted and crooked generation," full of brokenness, anger, hurt, and sadness. What a privilege that God would use such sinners such as us to speak of Him, represent Him, make an appeal for Him, so that others might be reconciled to Him.

Heh, first day is this Saturday. Homework is to read the gospel of Matthew and the only required textbook is my bible! Yay! I'm excited. I know there's a lot of hard work left to do and a lot of childishness left to die but I'll take it a day at a time ... It's all I can do in this weird transitionary stage of my post-grad life. Heh. If you catch this, I'd ask that you pray for me to grow in wisdom, discipline, in loving the Lord with heart, as well as my mind, for a posture of learning, and in the end, to grow strong in grace.

I was telling Augustine this yesterday, but I can't believe I'm even doing any of this, or that God's allowed me to do what I've done so far. I sin so much more than these highlights of a blog allow anyone else to see, yet God looks on me as holy, blameless, and above reproach before Him, and He woos me back when I want to run. Goodness, the gospel is good.
-Jon

Genesis 22 -> John 3:16

"I lift the knife to the thing I love most
Praying You'll come so I can have both
What I need is for You to touch me
What I need is for You to be the thing that I need"
-"Let Me Feel You Shine" by David Crowder Band

Urbana 2012 Debrief

Since my other post of AFC was seriously too long, I'm going to pinpoint my thoughts of Urbana 2012 to these points:

1) Will you trust Him?
-The most freeing thing for me was giving up all my preconceived notions and things I really want and going "Wherever you take me, I will follow. Even if that's to China. Even if that's to Wyoming. Even if that's not going into full-time ministry. " This one was a tough one but by grace, He's freeing me to want more of Him regardless of where or what that looks like.

2) The Call Confirmed (even more) to Full-time ministry/Pastoring
-Never been more clear about the call and was stirred at the role it can play in God's grand story.

3) The weight of Full-time ministry/Pastoring
-This stuff is actually gonna be tough. Like freal, feels like I'm dying but am actually being saved kinda tough. O man.

4) The awe and hope
-I can't believe I'm in this thing. Why would He let me? (What a privilege)
-This is for my specific path towards sanctification.

5) Trust Him in this season by actually doing something
- (Seriously? Business?)
-Be faithful to where He has you and what He's put before you NOW.
-You cant be all about that "YOLO" life everyday. Pray that God would grow you up and out of the childishness still in you.

6) "Does He have your heart?"
-In the end, you can't out-theologize this question. Ever.

7) "Sin no more."
-Hate your sin for the sake of your joy. Be serious about it. Do you want Jesus bad enough?


... Final Thoughts:  In the words of a friend who has no idea I'm quoting him in one of the blogs he posted back when he was a high-schooler, "I wake up and fail." Yet, if the gospel is true, if Christ really rose from the grave, there really is nothing left to condemn. There is no charge left to bring. There is no debt left to pay. I'm His. He's my abba, Father. And He knows what's best. Les GoooOoo

Okay, so Urbana 2012 ...

Man, that bus ride was way too long for me to try to type it up at this hour. Maybe tomorrow. Or maybe I forget and resume this eventually lol.

It was pretty awesome btw.