It's hard to believe the journey God's blessed me with in my first 2 decades of life. I find it hard to believe that this will be my second year as a counselor to middle school and high school kids for my church's annual winter retreat. Some life-changing moments occurred when I was the camper receiving wisdom from a counselor. My first winter retreat was the second time where God just absolutely tore me up for His glory and though I didn't know it then, my joy.
I'm praying that one of my closest friends would get broken by God's grace like he did about 4 years ago when he shared one of the most uneasy sharings of truth during the campfire. Oh, how my hearts breaks for your indifference. You're settling and I'm worried that You've missed it. God help us.
It's so weird to see how God's grown me since then. It's hard and sometimes I don't want to think about the me back then. But at the end of the day, when it's all said and done I can say that nothing was owed to me, nothing deserved. Nothing was mine to claim. It's all been a gift from God to a sinner that for whatever reason got grace instead of wrath. I know what I deserve(d). Instead of death, I got life.
-2 Corinthians 5:17 was the theme verse that year I believe.
Perhaps God would do something mighty and great for this seemingly short span of 4 days. And with all that's going on, I have my doubts and fears and insecurities. Asking and expecting such weighty things seems ... frankly, impossible. But I think this is more the context of what Jesus meant when he said to the rich young ruler "What is impossible with men is possible with God." He saves.
Father, we beg for You to move, shape, transform, and in some ways absolutely destroy us and brutally expose us. We don't want to play games. When we stop playing we know that there's more to life than what we're settling for. Help us. We need You. Do something mighty for Your namesake and our joy. We ask for Christ-like endurance and we ask for You to grant us the steadfast love You've shown to sinners like ourselves. Help us have compassion. Help us fix all our hopes and lives on that cross. We're so so prone to lose focus of it and look at shiny toys. May the gospel be rich and weighty Father. Lay it down hard on each of us. And may it lead to genuine, open, honest community where we meet regularly to celebrate Jesus. We desperately desperately need it. We need You. Grant us repentance in some of the dark parts of our hearts. We don't want to rob ourselves any longer. Father, help me personally feel some of the weight in all this. I can't afford to be passive and indifferent in this. Stir me up, break me down and help me cling harder, and plead with more pain. Create in me a heart that doesn't contradict my mind. I pray and beg all of this in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
About Me
- JonLau910
- "The good, bad, ugly, Lord use it. I just want You to be glorified through it." -Andy Mineo
Monday, December 28, 2009
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Exposed
"In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins."
-1 John 4:10
Nothing I do can add to this great salvation. It's too glorious for that.
Not what I do. What He did.
For about a year now, I've been praying that by grace, God might expose me and my heart (where it doesn't trust Him). I do this for fear of that verse in the first chapter in Luke where Mary sings that "God has scattered the proud in the thoughts of their hearts." And as I prayed this last night, it wasn't until an hour or two ago that God exposed something deep deep within my soul that I had not ever had the courage to recognize and admit.
My heart believes that God loves a future version of me that knows more, has done more, that loves him more. Something still doesn't believe that God loves me right now, exactly who I am, with all my baggage and scars and "hidden" sin. And if I'm honest, something in my innermost being thinks that He only loves a future me that somehow ... mystically is some super Christian guy who knows all the theology, saves multitudes of people ranging from the ghetto to the suburbs, has all the answers to every single question, and feeds the poor daily out of sheer selfless compassion. And in hindsight I know and have seen that study of God is beautiful, feeding the poor is joyous, and loving and delighting in Him is where true living is found, but something tugs at me that these things, wonderful and life-fulfilling as they are, are not the gospel of Jesus Christ. What justifies this sinner before a holy God whose infinite perfection demands holiness is not what I've done, what I do, or what I intend to do. The gospel of Jesus Christ is what's already been done through the cross of Jesus Christ alone.
I feel as if I have to continually and violently keep preaching this to myself because my heart is continually and violently on the fringe. It always wants to believe that God will love me if ... That God will love me when ... And it fails to recognize the truth that He's already paid the price. He's 100% canceled the debt. He's completely purchased my righteousness by his blood. The deed has been done. All that I have ever done, all that I am doing and intend to do ... It's nothing because at the end of the day, I'll know that I'm a sinner. Even if everything in my vainest ambitions comes true ... Even if all my lost friends and strangers come to know Christ, it doesn't take away from the fact that I'm a sinner. And in the face of all this, in the middle of this muddle, I hear something whisper me these words:
"It is finished."
-Jesus (John 19:30)
Father, I pray that you continue to expose this wicked, rebellious, lustful, untrusting heart. Help it understand the beauty and power of the cross and what it accomplished. I'm afraid that my heart is just so arrogant and far from seeing that You love now, sinner that I am. I have trouble understanding the truth that with all the sin I commit daily, hourly, I can still be called your son. I am continually inclined to believe that You'll love when I do this, understand that, or attain this and I'm in desperate need of Your grace to keep relentlessly colliding me with the cross. Keep exposing me. I'm infinitely more proud than I know and only You can overcome it. Help me.
-1 John 4:10
Nothing I do can add to this great salvation. It's too glorious for that.
Not what I do. What He did.
For about a year now, I've been praying that by grace, God might expose me and my heart (where it doesn't trust Him). I do this for fear of that verse in the first chapter in Luke where Mary sings that "God has scattered the proud in the thoughts of their hearts." And as I prayed this last night, it wasn't until an hour or two ago that God exposed something deep deep within my soul that I had not ever had the courage to recognize and admit.
My heart believes that God loves a future version of me that knows more, has done more, that loves him more. Something still doesn't believe that God loves me right now, exactly who I am, with all my baggage and scars and "hidden" sin. And if I'm honest, something in my innermost being thinks that He only loves a future me that somehow ... mystically is some super Christian guy who knows all the theology, saves multitudes of people ranging from the ghetto to the suburbs, has all the answers to every single question, and feeds the poor daily out of sheer selfless compassion. And in hindsight I know and have seen that study of God is beautiful, feeding the poor is joyous, and loving and delighting in Him is where true living is found, but something tugs at me that these things, wonderful and life-fulfilling as they are, are not the gospel of Jesus Christ. What justifies this sinner before a holy God whose infinite perfection demands holiness is not what I've done, what I do, or what I intend to do. The gospel of Jesus Christ is what's already been done through the cross of Jesus Christ alone.
I feel as if I have to continually and violently keep preaching this to myself because my heart is continually and violently on the fringe. It always wants to believe that God will love me if ... That God will love me when ... And it fails to recognize the truth that He's already paid the price. He's 100% canceled the debt. He's completely purchased my righteousness by his blood. The deed has been done. All that I have ever done, all that I am doing and intend to do ... It's nothing because at the end of the day, I'll know that I'm a sinner. Even if everything in my vainest ambitions comes true ... Even if all my lost friends and strangers come to know Christ, it doesn't take away from the fact that I'm a sinner. And in the face of all this, in the middle of this muddle, I hear something whisper me these words:
"It is finished."
-Jesus (John 19:30)
Father, I pray that you continue to expose this wicked, rebellious, lustful, untrusting heart. Help it understand the beauty and power of the cross and what it accomplished. I'm afraid that my heart is just so arrogant and far from seeing that You love now, sinner that I am. I have trouble understanding the truth that with all the sin I commit daily, hourly, I can still be called your son. I am continually inclined to believe that You'll love when I do this, understand that, or attain this and I'm in desperate need of Your grace to keep relentlessly colliding me with the cross. Keep exposing me. I'm infinitely more proud than I know and only You can overcome it. Help me.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Christmas
I am what I am, not because of what I've done, what I do, or what I try to do. I am what I am by what's already been done through God's Son, Jesus Christ.
As Christmas day is approaching in an hour or two from now, I was looking through facebook and saw this on my live feed:
"The greatest and most momentous fact which the history of the world records is the fact of his birth."
-Charles Spurgeon
And as much as we war and toil to remember "what Christmas is about" we have to admit that there are a billion more things fighting for our attention especially during the Christmas season . All the Christmas-y feelings and traditions and whatnot seem to confuse me more than anything. With all the hopes of snow, all the presents under the tree, all the red and green, all the food that's being prepared, it's hard to remember that the mission from the start of Jesus' life on this earth was to fulfill the law by being nailed to a cross. And upon looking at this all too familiar truth, it begins to almost bring a hammer down and shatter a lot of traditions and empty hopes. Praise God for the death-defeating resurrection of Christ. I think this is the grounds for celebration. May the joys of presents, snow, and time spent with family stem from this. Our portion, our joy, our delight and satisfaction ... is found in Him. Let's rejoice in God.
The gospel of Jesus Christ always overwhelmingly shames this "are you naughty or nice" Santa Clause Christmas crap. Let us remember what we're rejoicing in.
*Note to future Jon: Don't let your kids buy into the Santa Clause crap. I think it's crept into our doctrine way way way more than we'd want to admit. Teach them about the grandeur and beauty of Jesus Christ.
As Christmas day is approaching in an hour or two from now, I was looking through facebook and saw this on my live feed:
"The greatest and most momentous fact which the history of the world records is the fact of his birth."
-Charles Spurgeon
And as much as we war and toil to remember "what Christmas is about" we have to admit that there are a billion more things fighting for our attention especially during the Christmas season . All the Christmas-y feelings and traditions and whatnot seem to confuse me more than anything. With all the hopes of snow, all the presents under the tree, all the red and green, all the food that's being prepared, it's hard to remember that the mission from the start of Jesus' life on this earth was to fulfill the law by being nailed to a cross. And upon looking at this all too familiar truth, it begins to almost bring a hammer down and shatter a lot of traditions and empty hopes. Praise God for the death-defeating resurrection of Christ. I think this is the grounds for celebration. May the joys of presents, snow, and time spent with family stem from this. Our portion, our joy, our delight and satisfaction ... is found in Him. Let's rejoice in God.
The gospel of Jesus Christ always overwhelmingly shames this "are you naughty or nice" Santa Clause Christmas crap. Let us remember what we're rejoicing in.
*Note to future Jon: Don't let your kids buy into the Santa Clause crap. I think it's crept into our doctrine way way way more than we'd want to admit. Teach them about the grandeur and beauty of Jesus Christ.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Post-movie Reflections
So I watched the movie "Rachel Getting Married" (2008) last night as I had this whole apartment to myself last night ... and there was a point in the movie that the main character, Kym, shared this while in a recovery-like group for those struggling with addiction:
"When I was sixteen, I was babysitting my little brother. And I was, um... I had taken all these Percocet. And I was unbelievably high and I... we had driven over to the park on Lakeshore. And he was in his red socks just running around in these piles of leaves. And, um, he would bury me and I would bury him in the leaves. And he was pretending that he was a train. And so he was charging through the leaves, making tracks, and I was the caboose, and I was, um... so he kept saying, coal, caboose! Coal, caboose! And, um, we were... it was time to go and I was driving home... and... I lost control of the car. And drove off the bridge. And the car went into the lake. And I couldn't get him out of his car seat. And he drowned. And I struggle with God so much, because I can't forgive myself. And I don't really want to right now. I can live with it, but I can't forgive myself. And sometimes I don't want to believe in a God that could forgive me. But I do want to be sober. I'm alive and I'm present and there's nothing controlling me. If I hurt someone, I hurt someone. I can apologize, and they can forgive me... or not. But I can change. And I just wanted to share that and say congratulations that God makes you look up, I'm so happy for you, but if he doesn't, come here. That's all. Thank you."
And I have to ask myself ... Are there any parts of my hearts that does not want to believe in the forgiveness of God? Is there any pride that says God couldn't possibly love this sinner? That He'd forfeit his perfect nature by forgiving all the wrong I've done? Is there anything in me that doesn't believe in the forgiveness and love of God?
Kym got it. She got the truth that in all that she was, she was evil and in the wrong 100%. You have to see the movie to see just how ugly everything is because of the fall. In every sphere of life for that family ... was a twisted view of all that God created. Man did the movie capture just how twisted and broken we are because of our rebellion. And even though the family generally consisted of moral people, they were all jacked up and dirty. If you were to have coffee with this family, they'd look to be the ideal family but once you're in the middle of it, you begin to see that none of us is better than each other. I wonder how different this is in real life.
I think this is where we start. If we come to grips with reality and who we are at the core of our beings as people on this earth, I think it wouldn't take long to see that we're utterly hopeless. No matter how hard we try, or how well we can discipline ourselves, the truth remains that we're constantly in need help. We're constantly in need of saving from. If we don't start here and continually remember our perversity, then what Christ did on the cross doesn't mean much because if righteousness could be gained by upholding some kind of moral standard, then the cross becomes dispensable.
"Where the trespass increased, grace increased all the more."
I think if we're honest, more of us are the leper and the paralytic and the tax collector than we want to admit. Some of us have parts in our hearts where, though like Jonah, recognize God's grace, mercy, forgiveness, and steadfast love, simply don't want to accept it. Father, Save us sinners from ourselves. Help us stop relentlessly going to other things to numb You from us. Our darkness is afraid to come into the light and we hate it, but expose us anyway. Help us.
-Jon
"When I was sixteen, I was babysitting my little brother. And I was, um... I had taken all these Percocet. And I was unbelievably high and I... we had driven over to the park on Lakeshore. And he was in his red socks just running around in these piles of leaves. And, um, he would bury me and I would bury him in the leaves. And he was pretending that he was a train. And so he was charging through the leaves, making tracks, and I was the caboose, and I was, um... so he kept saying, coal, caboose! Coal, caboose! And, um, we were... it was time to go and I was driving home... and... I lost control of the car. And drove off the bridge. And the car went into the lake. And I couldn't get him out of his car seat. And he drowned. And I struggle with God so much, because I can't forgive myself. And I don't really want to right now. I can live with it, but I can't forgive myself. And sometimes I don't want to believe in a God that could forgive me. But I do want to be sober. I'm alive and I'm present and there's nothing controlling me. If I hurt someone, I hurt someone. I can apologize, and they can forgive me... or not. But I can change. And I just wanted to share that and say congratulations that God makes you look up, I'm so happy for you, but if he doesn't, come here. That's all. Thank you."
And I have to ask myself ... Are there any parts of my hearts that does not want to believe in the forgiveness of God? Is there any pride that says God couldn't possibly love this sinner? That He'd forfeit his perfect nature by forgiving all the wrong I've done? Is there anything in me that doesn't believe in the forgiveness and love of God?
Kym got it. She got the truth that in all that she was, she was evil and in the wrong 100%. You have to see the movie to see just how ugly everything is because of the fall. In every sphere of life for that family ... was a twisted view of all that God created. Man did the movie capture just how twisted and broken we are because of our rebellion. And even though the family generally consisted of moral people, they were all jacked up and dirty. If you were to have coffee with this family, they'd look to be the ideal family but once you're in the middle of it, you begin to see that none of us is better than each other. I wonder how different this is in real life.
I think this is where we start. If we come to grips with reality and who we are at the core of our beings as people on this earth, I think it wouldn't take long to see that we're utterly hopeless. No matter how hard we try, or how well we can discipline ourselves, the truth remains that we're constantly in need help. We're constantly in need of saving from. If we don't start here and continually remember our perversity, then what Christ did on the cross doesn't mean much because if righteousness could be gained by upholding some kind of moral standard, then the cross becomes dispensable.
"Where the trespass increased, grace increased all the more."
I think if we're honest, more of us are the leper and the paralytic and the tax collector than we want to admit. Some of us have parts in our hearts where, though like Jonah, recognize God's grace, mercy, forgiveness, and steadfast love, simply don't want to accept it. Father, Save us sinners from ourselves. Help us stop relentlessly going to other things to numb You from us. Our darkness is afraid to come into the light and we hate it, but expose us anyway. Help us.
-Jon
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Transition
Coming into this year, I had no clue how sophomore year of college would be. In summary, it's been incredibly difficult. I've been tried and tested over and over again. Patience has worn thin, pride has been rampant, anger has been there. Lots of nights of confusion, doubt, questions, etc. My emotions even while I write this are flailing in so many different directions that I hadn't really known before.
My hearts more untrusting and unbelieving and cold than I'd like to admit. The passion has had some periods of wilderness. The scriptures haven't been my food as I wished they would be. My hearts largely been disobedient to a head that knows what God is calling me to do. Laziness has plagued.
But, thank God there's a "but." Yes I'm all shattered, confused, and broken about so many things going on but I'm very thankful for the grace that points me to the heart of who I am: a redeemed sinner. By grace, may my eyes be fixed to that cross. It's all I've got. It's my only hope. Praise God for its power.
Father, help my cold, hardened, heart. Expose where it's not trusting You. Pry my hands off of all this crap that it foolishly clings to. Attach them to You. I need You. Where I've been habitually disobedient and sinful, help me see this and repent of it. Help me see the power of the cross, the power and authority of Your name. Help us all Father. We're more broken than we ever want to admit. Help us see the victory in the cross. Help us long for You. Kill our lazy indifference. We want to love You more.
Merry Christmas all. Thank God for birthing His perfect, spotless, son, Jesus, into this unclean and perverse world. Oh how beautiful is the rescuer of sinners.
My hearts more untrusting and unbelieving and cold than I'd like to admit. The passion has had some periods of wilderness. The scriptures haven't been my food as I wished they would be. My hearts largely been disobedient to a head that knows what God is calling me to do. Laziness has plagued.
But, thank God there's a "but." Yes I'm all shattered, confused, and broken about so many things going on but I'm very thankful for the grace that points me to the heart of who I am: a redeemed sinner. By grace, may my eyes be fixed to that cross. It's all I've got. It's my only hope. Praise God for its power.
Father, help my cold, hardened, heart. Expose where it's not trusting You. Pry my hands off of all this crap that it foolishly clings to. Attach them to You. I need You. Where I've been habitually disobedient and sinful, help me see this and repent of it. Help me see the power of the cross, the power and authority of Your name. Help us all Father. We're more broken than we ever want to admit. Help us see the victory in the cross. Help us long for You. Kill our lazy indifference. We want to love You more.
Merry Christmas all. Thank God for birthing His perfect, spotless, son, Jesus, into this unclean and perverse world. Oh how beautiful is the rescuer of sinners.
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