Oh how true and clear it is that we are a fragile people in frantic search for hope.
Jesus, you have moved in ways that transcend my understanding, my theology, my perspective and opinions, and my experiences. You move in ways that continue to do so.
I have a shot not to be a slave to sin because of the cross of Jesus alone.
Oh God, humble this pompous, wandering, game-playing heart. Use me, despite me. This world needs you. This campus need you Jesus.
Embolden and encourage my heart as I try my best to be obedient with all the energy you graciously give me. Help me be unashamed of the overwhelming and liberating power of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Oh my God, save in might. Save for the sake of Your name. Save for the joy of Your children. Save to glorify Your name.
Thanks for setting me free.
About Me
- JonLau910
- "The good, bad, ugly, Lord use it. I just want You to be glorified through it." -Andy Mineo
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Thursday, November 17, 2011
The Charge (part 1)
"I charge you in the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who is to judge the living and the dead, and by his appearing and his kingdom: preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience and teaching. For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions, and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths. As for you, always be sober-minded, endure suffering, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry."
-2 Timothy 4:1-5
I know the charge, the good deposit entrusted to me and for now, I'm asking myself what it really means to play the background. I think it's finally sinking in, but what if pastoring is simply God's path for my sanctification? What if it's just where He has me? What if it never does get to the point where my name isn't famous, and I'm not the guy on the big stages, but I'm the average pastor? Would I still be as fired up about this? Do I still love ministry if numerical growth wasn't in the picture? if I wasn't the guy that got talked about? Heh. I know it's where He has me in the future, God willing, but I think the hardest thing about all of this is that distorted desire to make much of my name and feel like ... something.
Father, You've done great work in pruning me these 3+ years. Keep sifting my soul. I don't want to gain all this stuff at the cost of my soul. I don't want to get everything and find myself without You. Jesus, be my ultimate treasure. I'm prone to make this about me and I don't want to think that I'll just be able to handle it when it gets more dangerous in the future. Put it to death in me now. I pray that ministry will never be the end goal, will never be where I find my identity. Jesus, it's you I'm after. It's you I want my heart to want more. Help me abide. You're where joy is. Help me for the sake of my joy and for the advancement of the gospel. You don't need me at all. Help me remember this.
Thanks for loving me first.
-Jon
-2 Timothy 4:1-5
I know the charge, the good deposit entrusted to me and for now, I'm asking myself what it really means to play the background. I think it's finally sinking in, but what if pastoring is simply God's path for my sanctification? What if it's just where He has me? What if it never does get to the point where my name isn't famous, and I'm not the guy on the big stages, but I'm the average pastor? Would I still be as fired up about this? Do I still love ministry if numerical growth wasn't in the picture? if I wasn't the guy that got talked about? Heh. I know it's where He has me in the future, God willing, but I think the hardest thing about all of this is that distorted desire to make much of my name and feel like ... something.
Father, You've done great work in pruning me these 3+ years. Keep sifting my soul. I don't want to gain all this stuff at the cost of my soul. I don't want to get everything and find myself without You. Jesus, be my ultimate treasure. I'm prone to make this about me and I don't want to think that I'll just be able to handle it when it gets more dangerous in the future. Put it to death in me now. I pray that ministry will never be the end goal, will never be where I find my identity. Jesus, it's you I'm after. It's you I want my heart to want more. Help me abide. You're where joy is. Help me for the sake of my joy and for the advancement of the gospel. You don't need me at all. Help me remember this.
Thanks for loving me first.
-Jon
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Thoughts on an average, regular day and the cross.
We all really are so fragile. The weight of the fall really is great. Creation itself really does groan to be set free from bondage. The souls of men really are bruised. Scars of past experiences run deeper than I wish they did. More than we'd like, insecurity and identity issues rear their ugly heads over and against our attempts to shush them. The longing for "the one" drivers a lot closer to the core of our hearts than we'd want to give credit to. Impure, envious thoughts sometimes seem to be winning. Apathy often bats a high percentage. People hurt. Circumstances overwhelm and crush them every single day. Despite the number of sermons and spiritual resources, we still find ourselves desperately confused and for some of us, on the brink of losing all hope and ditching this following Jesus thing. Sometimes it just feels like it's all for naught.
Sometimes you do all the right things and you feel and see little to nothing. Sometimes trouble finds you when you're not looking for it. Sometimes it just seems to find you. And sometimes you see two people from the other side of the world come into your life and choose to follow Jesus for the first time. Sometimes you see a hunger for God so freakin inspiring that reminds you of when you first started out. Sometimes you hear testimonies of what God's doing in other people and places that make you realize that the kingdom is bigger than your college-kid perspective. Sometimes you just take a step back and notice that God really has shown immense grace to you and a lot of it wasn't even asked for. It's crazy but sometimes God even shows you the gospel during a HR staffing and employee relations class.
-He's really blessed me for all of the above, even the first paragraph.
The cross of Jesus has encouraged, rebuked, admonished, reproved, inspired, enamored, humiliated, stirred me more than anything else in college has. As college is closing in on me, a lot more themes seem to become apparent as to what I've learned but this one, by far, is the one. Not only by it am I saved, but by it God in Christ is renewing all things and continuing to save many. What went wrong when you and I substituted ourselves for where only God should be, God in Christ substituted Himself where only man should be (Stott). What went wrong with the universe and what went wrong with you and me in that exchange at the fall, was exchanged back at the cross. Where we've retarded and died, Christ has awakened and raised. Where we have de-created, Christ has recreated as new creations. Where we have perverted what humanity was meant to be, God in Christ has bought us back in adoption as sons and daughters through the cross.
-It may be weird to say, but I think about my funeral probably more than the average person ... not because I'm particularly looking forward to it (though I do wish I could echo Philippians 1:21 more than I currently do), but because I really don't want to waste my time here. On that tombstone, when my grandkids think about their grandpa Jon, I pray they'd see and hear a legacy of the cross. I pray that, God-willing, any other "Lau" men, would want the same.
"But far be it from me to boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world."
-Galatians 6:14
Let's do some work.
Sometimes you do all the right things and you feel and see little to nothing. Sometimes trouble finds you when you're not looking for it. Sometimes it just seems to find you. And sometimes you see two people from the other side of the world come into your life and choose to follow Jesus for the first time. Sometimes you see a hunger for God so freakin inspiring that reminds you of when you first started out. Sometimes you hear testimonies of what God's doing in other people and places that make you realize that the kingdom is bigger than your college-kid perspective. Sometimes you just take a step back and notice that God really has shown immense grace to you and a lot of it wasn't even asked for. It's crazy but sometimes God even shows you the gospel during a HR staffing and employee relations class.
-He's really blessed me for all of the above, even the first paragraph.
The cross of Jesus has encouraged, rebuked, admonished, reproved, inspired, enamored, humiliated, stirred me more than anything else in college has. As college is closing in on me, a lot more themes seem to become apparent as to what I've learned but this one, by far, is the one. Not only by it am I saved, but by it God in Christ is renewing all things and continuing to save many. What went wrong when you and I substituted ourselves for where only God should be, God in Christ substituted Himself where only man should be (Stott). What went wrong with the universe and what went wrong with you and me in that exchange at the fall, was exchanged back at the cross. Where we've retarded and died, Christ has awakened and raised. Where we have de-created, Christ has recreated as new creations. Where we have perverted what humanity was meant to be, God in Christ has bought us back in adoption as sons and daughters through the cross.
-It may be weird to say, but I think about my funeral probably more than the average person ... not because I'm particularly looking forward to it (though I do wish I could echo Philippians 1:21 more than I currently do), but because I really don't want to waste my time here. On that tombstone, when my grandkids think about their grandpa Jon, I pray they'd see and hear a legacy of the cross. I pray that, God-willing, any other "Lau" men, would want the same.
"But far be it from me to boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world."
-Galatians 6:14
Let's do some work.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Learning
Upon learning Jesus' love for me, it's been a process to love others the same way. One step at a time. Here we go for the rest of what God's given me for Senior year.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
"Sophomore Year Reflection"
If you know me and are quite the observant, you'll notice that I am in fact not a sophomore in college anymore. I am in fact a senior but this is something I found on facebook ... I never published it but left it as a draft. It's funny how God works and speaks to me. I consider the post a note to self ...
"I feel like my sophomore year of college is filled with a lot of things I've learned/noticed/went "hmm ... interesting ..." to, but this one particularly sticks out to me ... I've concluded this about the nature of ... people:
We violently war to surround ourselves with as many "new" hobbies, trinkets, relationships, philosophies, theologies, vain pursuits, and cheap thrills as we can if only they serve the purpose to avoid looking at our hearts at all costs. Frankly, we don't want to deal with our sin.
We're scared of deliberately making time to ask ourselves what's really going on in our hearts because we're afraid what we'll find ... or we'll come to the point where we come face to face with a sin that we already knew was there but just didn't want to face ... For me, my sin is school. I'll play more basketball, do more Bible-reading, or help out more with AFC sometimes, if it would serve the purpose to avoid looking at my own heart. The thing that gives me complete assurance and trust in the Bible is that it paints this same picture of the sinful nature of man. If you go from Genesis to Revelation ... er ... I think Paul sums it up well:
"For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me."
-Romans 7:15-20
The thing that compels me about Jesus is that he cuts straight to the heart and relentlessly goes after it. In the end, I think those of us who have been around church and have done the Bible reading know He does this for our own good and joy, yet there's something in us where we don't want to do the hard work of self-examination. We don't ever want to come to grips with that feeling in our gut that knows we're off and we'll do whatever it takes to silence that voice. In the end, we'd prefer to be our own savior because we don't want to be honest with who we are: sinners who can never cure this disease in us. We know cognitively that Jesus stretches out his hand to heal, but I think in the end we simply don't want to go through the pain and humiliation in the process of healing. We're afraid.
So perhaps the reason growth or any semblance of a relationship with Christ seems so far sometimes is because we're constantly telling the Holy Spirit:"Shut up! Don't go there. See this? This is mine God. Stop telling me I'm off. I thought you wanted me to be happy! Stop it! I'm the one who calls the shots for MY life. I'm God, not You. Shut up!"
My plea for you and for me is that in view of the cross and all that Jesus accomplished that dark Friday, is that we'd turn and repent from our sins of pride, our mistrust, our arrogance. My plea is that we'd forsake our sin and instead put our hope and trust in Jesus because we really do believe that He's for us and not against us. Jesus, keep exposing our hearts and leading us to life. The more we tell you to be quiet, the more we're robbing ourselves ... the more we're killing ourselves. May the love you demonstrated on the cross drive out and crucify our fear. You're better. You're worth it. Help us sinners.
"So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin."
-Romans 7:21-25
Repentance leads to life. God grant us repentance."
-Sophomore Jon writing to Senior Jon.
"I feel like my sophomore year of college is filled with a lot of things I've learned/noticed/went "hmm ... interesting ..." to, but this one particularly sticks out to me ... I've concluded this about the nature of ... people:
We violently war to surround ourselves with as many "new" hobbies, trinkets, relationships, philosophies, theologies, vain pursuits, and cheap thrills as we can if only they serve the purpose to avoid looking at our hearts at all costs. Frankly, we don't want to deal with our sin.
We're scared of deliberately making time to ask ourselves what's really going on in our hearts because we're afraid what we'll find ... or we'll come to the point where we come face to face with a sin that we already knew was there but just didn't want to face ... For me, my sin is school. I'll play more basketball, do more Bible-reading, or help out more with AFC sometimes, if it would serve the purpose to avoid looking at my own heart. The thing that gives me complete assurance and trust in the Bible is that it paints this same picture of the sinful nature of man. If you go from Genesis to Revelation ... er ... I think Paul sums it up well:
"For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me."
-Romans 7:15-20
The thing that compels me about Jesus is that he cuts straight to the heart and relentlessly goes after it. In the end, I think those of us who have been around church and have done the Bible reading know He does this for our own good and joy, yet there's something in us where we don't want to do the hard work of self-examination. We don't ever want to come to grips with that feeling in our gut that knows we're off and we'll do whatever it takes to silence that voice. In the end, we'd prefer to be our own savior because we don't want to be honest with who we are: sinners who can never cure this disease in us. We know cognitively that Jesus stretches out his hand to heal, but I think in the end we simply don't want to go through the pain and humiliation in the process of healing. We're afraid.
So perhaps the reason growth or any semblance of a relationship with Christ seems so far sometimes is because we're constantly telling the Holy Spirit:"Shut up! Don't go there. See this? This is mine God. Stop telling me I'm off. I thought you wanted me to be happy! Stop it! I'm the one who calls the shots for MY life. I'm God, not You. Shut up!"
My plea for you and for me is that in view of the cross and all that Jesus accomplished that dark Friday, is that we'd turn and repent from our sins of pride, our mistrust, our arrogance. My plea is that we'd forsake our sin and instead put our hope and trust in Jesus because we really do believe that He's for us and not against us. Jesus, keep exposing our hearts and leading us to life. The more we tell you to be quiet, the more we're robbing ourselves ... the more we're killing ourselves. May the love you demonstrated on the cross drive out and crucify our fear. You're better. You're worth it. Help us sinners.
"So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin."
-Romans 7:21-25
Repentance leads to life. God grant us repentance."
-Sophomore Jon writing to Senior Jon.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Different year.
It's a really different year. It just is. It's a battle everyday to be unashamed of the gospel. I struggle with really really wanting things to work to which God has not called me to. I struggle with figuring out how to "equip the saints for the work of the ministry" in the context of discipleship relationships. I struggle with the idea that God's calling me to pastor. I struggle with battling thoughts in my head for why I'm not good enough to be one and why I should pursue something else. I struggle with the question of how much I really want God.
I like 116 clique/Reach Records and their music and all. Yet, I find myself somehow always hiding the greatest news there is.
What I have learned so far this year is that holy discontentment is good and healthy but so is holy contentment. Today I got to "tag-team" share the gospel with a freshman international student from China. And as I was interchanging with Aug and explaining the heart of Christianity being that we can't fix what's fractured in us but that God intervened and freed us back to pursue Him, me and Aug laughed (our form of debrief) as we noticed how emotional we were having basically proclaimed it at Jimmy John's. We really believe that what's wrong in the world isn't so much a cause of everyone else's flaws but we firstly take ownership of our sin and our rebellion and God's abounding, never-run-out mercy that He loves and redeems what was so enslaved and falling apart.
I need that basic Christian message. I just do. It's "Basic Christianity" that's so extraordinary. That Christ doesn't wait for sinners to get it together but simply comes, identifies, and saves. Thanks for the cross Jesus. Thanks for paying the debt I couldn't repay.
Thanks for the gifts You give everyday Father ... Much of which I don't even recognize are given. Thank You for giving me an opportunity to share the gospel everyday and for giving me the faith to go for it one step at a time. Thank You for having perfect patience with me and for being the perfecter of my faith as well as its founder and author. Thank You for saving a sinner like me. Thank You for random praise jams at the suspension bridge here in Waco with believers and unbelievers in that circle. Thank You for putting the students we shared the gospel with in that circle. Thanks for drawing Jeffrey to Yourself thus far. Keep wooing Him Holy Spirit. Awaken Him to the beauty and weight of the reality of Jesus. Save him and continue to save us from ourselves. Thank You for the grace of the local church. Teach me more everyday Father. Give me ears to hear.
-Jon
I like 116 clique/Reach Records and their music and all. Yet, I find myself somehow always hiding the greatest news there is.
What I have learned so far this year is that holy discontentment is good and healthy but so is holy contentment. Today I got to "tag-team" share the gospel with a freshman international student from China. And as I was interchanging with Aug and explaining the heart of Christianity being that we can't fix what's fractured in us but that God intervened and freed us back to pursue Him, me and Aug laughed (our form of debrief) as we noticed how emotional we were having basically proclaimed it at Jimmy John's. We really believe that what's wrong in the world isn't so much a cause of everyone else's flaws but we firstly take ownership of our sin and our rebellion and God's abounding, never-run-out mercy that He loves and redeems what was so enslaved and falling apart.
I need that basic Christian message. I just do. It's "Basic Christianity" that's so extraordinary. That Christ doesn't wait for sinners to get it together but simply comes, identifies, and saves. Thanks for the cross Jesus. Thanks for paying the debt I couldn't repay.
Thanks for the gifts You give everyday Father ... Much of which I don't even recognize are given. Thank You for giving me an opportunity to share the gospel everyday and for giving me the faith to go for it one step at a time. Thank You for having perfect patience with me and for being the perfecter of my faith as well as its founder and author. Thank You for saving a sinner like me. Thank You for random praise jams at the suspension bridge here in Waco with believers and unbelievers in that circle. Thank You for putting the students we shared the gospel with in that circle. Thanks for drawing Jeffrey to Yourself thus far. Keep wooing Him Holy Spirit. Awaken Him to the beauty and weight of the reality of Jesus. Save him and continue to save us from ourselves. Thank You for the grace of the local church. Teach me more everyday Father. Give me ears to hear.
-Jon
Saturday, August 13, 2011
"One Day"
One day when heaven was filled with His praises,
One day when sin was as black as could be,
Jesus came forth to be born of a virgin—
Dwelt among men, my example is He!
One day they led Him up Calvary's mountain,
One day they nailed Him to die on the tree;
Suffering anguish, despised and rejected;
Bearing our sins, my Redeemer is He.
One day they left Him alone in the garden,
One day He rested, from suffering free;
Angels came down o'er His tomb to keep vigil;
Hope of the hopeless, my Savior is He.
One day the grave could conceal Him no longer,
One day the stone rolled away from the door;
Then He arose, over death He had conquered;
Now is ascended, my Lord evermore.
One day the trumpet will sound for His coming,
One day the skies with His glory will shine;
Wonderful day, my beloved ones bringing;
Glorious Savior, this Jesus is mine!
Chorus:
Living, He loved me; dying, He saved me;
Buried, He carried my sins far away;
Rising, He justified freely forever:
One day He's coming—O glorious day!
Source: http://www.hymnal.net/hymn.php/h/987#ixzz1UyX3q4l1
One day when sin was as black as could be,
Jesus came forth to be born of a virgin—
Dwelt among men, my example is He!
One day they led Him up Calvary's mountain,
One day they nailed Him to die on the tree;
Suffering anguish, despised and rejected;
Bearing our sins, my Redeemer is He.
One day they left Him alone in the garden,
One day He rested, from suffering free;
Angels came down o'er His tomb to keep vigil;
Hope of the hopeless, my Savior is He.
One day the grave could conceal Him no longer,
One day the stone rolled away from the door;
Then He arose, over death He had conquered;
Now is ascended, my Lord evermore.
One day the trumpet will sound for His coming,
One day the skies with His glory will shine;
Wonderful day, my beloved ones bringing;
Glorious Savior, this Jesus is mine!
Chorus:
Living, He loved me; dying, He saved me;
Buried, He carried my sins far away;
Rising, He justified freely forever:
One day He's coming—O glorious day!
Source: http://www.hymnal.net/hymn.php/h/987#ixzz1UyX3q4l1
Monday, August 8, 2011
My Mundane Monday and my plea to myself.
I start some of the days off right. Even if I wake up at noon, I get my spiritual disciplines going most of the time I think. Yet a little compromise here and another one there land me at 5pm having accomplished nothing but attaching my affections to things such as basketball and facebook. Nothing really bad or anything ... After all it's just commenting on someone's status. It's just a couple (many) 4-5 minute clips on youtube. Technically not "sinful" things ... Well, that was today for me haha. My monday.
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God."
Hebrews 12:1-2 was a verse I had memorized sophomore year. I thought there was just something about it that I wanted to always have with me just in case y'know? I dunno ... But anyway, it has made its way to me this summer and listening to some teaching on it, I've learned that it's not just sin that we must lay aside and do everything in our power to put to death, but its every "weight" too. In other words it's not just avoiding our more obvious idols of hate, lust, gossip, approval, money, success, control, (or other thoughts or things that tend to consume our time and emotive energy) ... etc., but it's also a laying aside of anything and everything that hinders and pulls us down, keeping us from running with endurance the race set before us ... Even if those things are not morally sinful at all.
Today was a really unproductive day. Part of me honestly feels a sort of shame that comes with it. I heard myself today saying things like this: "I'm about to be a senior. I shouldn't have days like this. Laziness shouldn't be an option for me. There's more life to be had. I've robbed myself ... aiya ... I thought I was more 'spiritually mature' than this. I thought I was on the path of 'putting childish ways behind me.' Ehhhhhh. Woe is me." Heh. Yet, what I've learned of my lazy Monday is confronting the question of "how much do you really treasure Jesus?" It's just an honest question because turning on the computer for me has all these options of things that aren't "sinful" by nature but yank at my heart's affections to the point where Jesus is more leftovers than treasure. I'd rather take basketball or I'd rather take drumming. God, help my heart ... I might even take theology to avoid Jesus altogether. Maybe I'd rather have "my time" that I've felt like I've earned or something because I felt like I never had a summer for myself. God, really do help me ...
Dear Jon Lau, Jesus is better. Fix your eyes on, look to Jesus, the one who found your faith, and the one who will perfect your faith to the end. Glue your eyes to Jesus who saved you from Ephesians 2:1-3 and who will finish what he started. All that is somewhat enthusiasm-instilling from facebook comments and replays of basketball mixes you've already exhausted will always be there to rob you from "a holiday at the sea." (C.S. Lewis) Don't be so easily satisfied. You know there's more. You know it. You've seen it amongst brothers and sisters amongst you. You've read of the history of the men and women of this faith from that book of your faith (Hebrews 11). It's yours to have too. "Therefore," lay aside every little thing that isn't even necessarily sinful and lay aside every little thing that is sinful and run after Him. "Fix your eyes on the prize."
Jon, you will find yourself in need of strength sooner than you probably expect this semester. Your sin will probably be more exposed than you'd like. Your childishness that you wish would just stay in the grave with the old Jon will resurface probably more than you thought it possibly could. In those times this semester where you find yourself there, you're going to need constant reminder of why you are free to keep pressing on. Hebrews 12:1-2 tells you to look to Jesus, and specifically how Jesus ran his race. He had his eyes on the joy set before Him. And that joy set before him was what spurred Jesus to endure the cross, "despising its shame." What kept Jesus setting target for Jerusalem, for Golgotha, for the tearing off of the flesh on his back, and the humiliation of the crucifixion was what exactly the cross was accomplishing: the adoption of sinners into the family of a holy, loving God. The glorious thing is that after Jesus rose 3 days later and ascended after 40 days, Jesus took seat at the right hand of the throne of God as if to say "it is finished" (John 19:30). You would do well to believe those words of exclamation.
What will hold you fast and allow you to run with endurance during your trials this semester and school year (reality check: they are coming ...) will not be the approval of your peers and ministry partners and pastors. It will not be ministry "success" for AFC. It will not be the success rate of your jump shot or the slight bit of awe you may receive from your peers on the court. It will not be whether you're actually getting that 4.0 GPA that you've failed to achieve all throughout college. It will not even be whether or not you finish out your bible-reading goals and acquire theological acumen. It will be the grand, satisfying message of that theology: Jesus. Look to him, Fix your eyes on Him. He is the message of the Bible, not you.
Praise Christ that when glory goes to where glory is due, immense joy is found there too. Want more Jon. Daily go to war to want more than you currently do. He loves You enough to want more for You than You do for yourself. He is the more.
-Jon
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God."
Hebrews 12:1-2 was a verse I had memorized sophomore year. I thought there was just something about it that I wanted to always have with me just in case y'know? I dunno ... But anyway, it has made its way to me this summer and listening to some teaching on it, I've learned that it's not just sin that we must lay aside and do everything in our power to put to death, but its every "weight" too. In other words it's not just avoiding our more obvious idols of hate, lust, gossip, approval, money, success, control, (or other thoughts or things that tend to consume our time and emotive energy) ... etc., but it's also a laying aside of anything and everything that hinders and pulls us down, keeping us from running with endurance the race set before us ... Even if those things are not morally sinful at all.
Today was a really unproductive day. Part of me honestly feels a sort of shame that comes with it. I heard myself today saying things like this: "I'm about to be a senior. I shouldn't have days like this. Laziness shouldn't be an option for me. There's more life to be had. I've robbed myself ... aiya ... I thought I was more 'spiritually mature' than this. I thought I was on the path of 'putting childish ways behind me.' Ehhhhhh. Woe is me." Heh. Yet, what I've learned of my lazy Monday is confronting the question of "how much do you really treasure Jesus?" It's just an honest question because turning on the computer for me has all these options of things that aren't "sinful" by nature but yank at my heart's affections to the point where Jesus is more leftovers than treasure. I'd rather take basketball or I'd rather take drumming. God, help my heart ... I might even take theology to avoid Jesus altogether. Maybe I'd rather have "my time" that I've felt like I've earned or something because I felt like I never had a summer for myself. God, really do help me ...
Dear Jon Lau, Jesus is better. Fix your eyes on, look to Jesus, the one who found your faith, and the one who will perfect your faith to the end. Glue your eyes to Jesus who saved you from Ephesians 2:1-3 and who will finish what he started. All that is somewhat enthusiasm-instilling from facebook comments and replays of basketball mixes you've already exhausted will always be there to rob you from "a holiday at the sea." (C.S. Lewis) Don't be so easily satisfied. You know there's more. You know it. You've seen it amongst brothers and sisters amongst you. You've read of the history of the men and women of this faith from that book of your faith (Hebrews 11). It's yours to have too. "Therefore," lay aside every little thing that isn't even necessarily sinful and lay aside every little thing that is sinful and run after Him. "Fix your eyes on the prize."
Jon, you will find yourself in need of strength sooner than you probably expect this semester. Your sin will probably be more exposed than you'd like. Your childishness that you wish would just stay in the grave with the old Jon will resurface probably more than you thought it possibly could. In those times this semester where you find yourself there, you're going to need constant reminder of why you are free to keep pressing on. Hebrews 12:1-2 tells you to look to Jesus, and specifically how Jesus ran his race. He had his eyes on the joy set before Him. And that joy set before him was what spurred Jesus to endure the cross, "despising its shame." What kept Jesus setting target for Jerusalem, for Golgotha, for the tearing off of the flesh on his back, and the humiliation of the crucifixion was what exactly the cross was accomplishing: the adoption of sinners into the family of a holy, loving God. The glorious thing is that after Jesus rose 3 days later and ascended after 40 days, Jesus took seat at the right hand of the throne of God as if to say "it is finished" (John 19:30). You would do well to believe those words of exclamation.
What will hold you fast and allow you to run with endurance during your trials this semester and school year (reality check: they are coming ...) will not be the approval of your peers and ministry partners and pastors. It will not be ministry "success" for AFC. It will not be the success rate of your jump shot or the slight bit of awe you may receive from your peers on the court. It will not be whether you're actually getting that 4.0 GPA that you've failed to achieve all throughout college. It will not even be whether or not you finish out your bible-reading goals and acquire theological acumen. It will be the grand, satisfying message of that theology: Jesus. Look to him, Fix your eyes on Him. He is the message of the Bible, not you.
Praise Christ that when glory goes to where glory is due, immense joy is found there too. Want more Jon. Daily go to war to want more than you currently do. He loves You enough to want more for You than You do for yourself. He is the more.
-Jon
Saturday, August 6, 2011
"The One You Need"
To say that me and my parents don't always see eye to eye on some things would be putting it nicely. We don't communicate as well as I wished we did and sometimes I don't know that they have a clue about me from all the changes of these 3 years of college thus far. It's hard to do real talk with them and when we do, somehow it's just not what I hoped it would be. They seemingly know how to push all the right buttons to expose my impatience and frustration ... Things that I thought were becoming my strengths in college. Yet, in the midst of scraping by some days with school and a million other things that my mind doesn't think they could understand, there are moments where my mom or dad simply pray for me and say things like "You know I pray for you everyday right?". I hardly ever see them do it. I don't know what it looks like when my mom prays for me everyday. It never occurred to me that she did. All my childish brain could see was that they seemed to always be taking away from my fun, my freedom. It's taken a while to see but perhaps they're trying to give me life rather than take it away.
One of my biggest weaknesses (and area of sin) that my friends in college don't see have to do with my family and that simply Colossians 3:20 command. It's something I'm working on that I wish I would make progress in with a lot more haste ... but it's songs like this that expose my arrogance that comes with my youth. I'm about to be 22 soon and I still see with just an infantile scope. I don't know that I'll understand my parents or what it's like to have me as a son. All I know is that God has lavished grace upon me with parents that were always there and always loved me even when all it seemed I did was push them away.
There are parts of me now that are grossly childish and I still struggle with letting my parents get close sometimes. Though it may take months later for me to see each time I throw my little tantrums, they love me anyway ... Sounds a lot like the gospel.
Heh ... It'll be interesting one of these days being a dad with that stubborn, irrational son of mine who seems to want nothing to do with me and laughs at my deepest yearnings for His good. If God grants me parenthood, it will indeed be an interesting part of my sanctification. But until then, I'm a 22 year old kid, under the authority of parents who love me, want what is best for me, and pay for my tuition :). Despite the disdain I have for curfews, I just gotta shut up and obey. They love me.
1 John 4:10. I think they get it as parents. Thanks mom and dad. I'll try to call/write more ... You're right. It's not unreasonable to do so.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
"O the joy and O the sorrow"
I've realized summer's almost over already. It never did feel like it started for me haha. Maybe that'll change between now and August 21.
Being in the background of a spectacularly beautiful, Christ-proclaimed wedding, followed up by a funeral of the grandmother of a lot of my cousins will jack up your emotions in a short time span. We'll miss you Mrs. Wong. I don't have many memories of you outside of sharing Christmases but I do remember one time I got to eat with the Joe's and Wongs and somehow I invaded yawl's weekly family dinner. I remember the food was good and the home was welcoming and that the Joes and Wongs had grandparents who adored them. It was a blessing to hear of your legacy of faith today. Praise Christ.
I feel like there's been 6 chapters opened and closed this summer and now the 7th is about to start. I went into this summer wanting to simply grow up due to a lot of inconsistencies I had noticed. And I'm not sure I have that much but I've been exposed to a couple things that probably forced me to not see with the eyes of child anymore. It's that fun part of life where you want to be treated as an adult but not receive any of those responsibilities or disciplines that come with it. But by the grace of Christ, I am still here in full confidence of that central message of Jesus' mission, his life, death and resurrection ... That He saves for the glory of His name. I am stirred by the fact that the gospels recount particular people in particularly dark situations and heavy baggage and doubts and Jesus comes to these guys. Not just the dysfunctional family member, not just the criminal, not just the enemy of the state, not just the blind and lame. He even goes to the most religious bible-memorizing of them all and He proclaims Himself. Praise God. It's the moments where you're tested in believing whether or not the gospel really is the "power of God for salvation to everyone who believes" or not. Did Jesus really step in and rescue in situations like this one? The scriptures say: "yes." May God grant me the belief to believe it in such a way to walk in faith and obedience. There are many many many who don't know You Jesus. Draw them Father, send me out with clear vision, listening ears, and an overwhelmed heart for Jesus and His mission. Help me understand where you have me to be the best student missionary I can be. Help me with my unbelief.
Congratulations to my cousin Laurie and her new husband Josh. Laurie, I pray that you continue to walk beautifully in the grace and love of your savior, Jesus Christ, and Josh, I pray your heart would be set aflame for God and people even more. Lead my cousin well and welcome to the family. It really was the most beautiful, Jesus-proclaimed wedding I've ever been to or maybe it's just the only one I remember because I didn't see this stuff when I was 10 :p. Regardless, my heart was stirred and encouraged. The gospel of Jesus was proclaimed with power and I know for a fact that many non-Christians and beat up Christians were there that needed to hear it. I was one of the latter. Jesus, help us remember.
"Shadows" by David Crowder Band:
"Life is full of light and shadow
O the joy and O the sorrow
O the sorrow
And yet will He bring
Dark to light
And yet will He bring
Day from night
When shadows fall on us
We will not fear
We will remember
When darkness falls on us
We will not fear
We will remember
When all seems lost
When we're thrown and we're tossed
We'll remember the cost
We're resting in the
Shadow of the cross"
Being in the background of a spectacularly beautiful, Christ-proclaimed wedding, followed up by a funeral of the grandmother of a lot of my cousins will jack up your emotions in a short time span. We'll miss you Mrs. Wong. I don't have many memories of you outside of sharing Christmases but I do remember one time I got to eat with the Joe's and Wongs and somehow I invaded yawl's weekly family dinner. I remember the food was good and the home was welcoming and that the Joes and Wongs had grandparents who adored them. It was a blessing to hear of your legacy of faith today. Praise Christ.
I feel like there's been 6 chapters opened and closed this summer and now the 7th is about to start. I went into this summer wanting to simply grow up due to a lot of inconsistencies I had noticed. And I'm not sure I have that much but I've been exposed to a couple things that probably forced me to not see with the eyes of child anymore. It's that fun part of life where you want to be treated as an adult but not receive any of those responsibilities or disciplines that come with it. But by the grace of Christ, I am still here in full confidence of that central message of Jesus' mission, his life, death and resurrection ... That He saves for the glory of His name. I am stirred by the fact that the gospels recount particular people in particularly dark situations and heavy baggage and doubts and Jesus comes to these guys. Not just the dysfunctional family member, not just the criminal, not just the enemy of the state, not just the blind and lame. He even goes to the most religious bible-memorizing of them all and He proclaims Himself. Praise God. It's the moments where you're tested in believing whether or not the gospel really is the "power of God for salvation to everyone who believes" or not. Did Jesus really step in and rescue in situations like this one? The scriptures say: "yes." May God grant me the belief to believe it in such a way to walk in faith and obedience. There are many many many who don't know You Jesus. Draw them Father, send me out with clear vision, listening ears, and an overwhelmed heart for Jesus and His mission. Help me understand where you have me to be the best student missionary I can be. Help me with my unbelief.
Congratulations to my cousin Laurie and her new husband Josh. Laurie, I pray that you continue to walk beautifully in the grace and love of your savior, Jesus Christ, and Josh, I pray your heart would be set aflame for God and people even more. Lead my cousin well and welcome to the family. It really was the most beautiful, Jesus-proclaimed wedding I've ever been to or maybe it's just the only one I remember because I didn't see this stuff when I was 10 :p. Regardless, my heart was stirred and encouraged. The gospel of Jesus was proclaimed with power and I know for a fact that many non-Christians and beat up Christians were there that needed to hear it. I was one of the latter. Jesus, help us remember.
"Shadows" by David Crowder Band:
"Life is full of light and shadow
O the joy and O the sorrow
O the sorrow
And yet will He bring
Dark to light
And yet will He bring
Day from night
When shadows fall on us
We will not fear
We will remember
When darkness falls on us
We will not fear
We will remember
When all seems lost
When we're thrown and we're tossed
We'll remember the cost
We're resting in the
Shadow of the cross"
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Word.
"Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. 15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. 16 Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need."
-Hebrews 4:14-16.
-Hebrews 4:14-16.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Good to be home.
Being back home has had me realize how much I love my family and the friends God's given me and had grow up alongside me all these years. I'm just grateful for it. It's funny because there are many a night where despite all that I say and do, I simply feel alone. And I begin to doubt if anyone cares or knows or is praying for me. And just being back home for this 1.5 weeks has blessed me with moments like my mom saying "you know I pray for you everyday right?" or just chatting with some of the friends from youth group who are warring for the things of Christ at their college campuses too. Just being around CBC youth ministry gives me energy, excitement, and courage for the coming year. I pray I take advantage of it.
All that to say, I'm glad to be home. I'm glad to be around people I love that love Jesus. Simple as that I guess.
All that to say, I'm glad to be home. I'm glad to be around people I love that love Jesus. Simple as that I guess.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Summer 2011 f'real.
After tomorrow at 1:00pm ... It will mark the first time since post-freshman year that summer might actually feel like summer for me. Lookin forward to good things in Houston, and some time to myself. Call me an introvert.
Highlights:
1) Family.
-Oh how i grow in appreciation of them more every year i'm apart from them. i just need to grow in showing it to them :D.
2) One of my cousins is getting married!
-It'll be one of the Lau's first interracial marriages too. should be a fun wedding and an excuse to see my brother and the relatives all come into town (some I don't even know).
3) Family vacation in the DC area (to see my brother).
-I learn with every vacation/trip I go on, that I enjoy them more than I thought. Some parts test my patience but for the most part I just love being in the middle of a different city with all the different people. It excites me. Every time it gives me a little bit of vision as to perhaps where God might have me 10 years from now.
-AND i get to see my brother. I notice that I don't mention him much around baylor or that friends (even some that know me well) assume I'm an only child ... but just like the parents, it's not that I love him more I don't think, but its more how much I realize I love him. We're totally different btw. My opinion at least.
4) Alone time.
-I'm naturally an introvert. Even at my most "extroverted" spurts, I find myself going "that was fun, now I need to get away." I'm a pretty introspective guy (a bit too much at times) but what I enjoy most about this time is just the silence. I confess I take the sabbath so sinfully lightly, as if it's just a suggestion more than a "God is for us" command. But ya ... A lot has happened every semester and rarely do I pursue the time to process some of it and just let God teach me what He was doing here, there, or even all the way over there.
-And sometimes despite all that, it's just good for me to be still and take a breath and enjoy the grace gifts around me.
5)" I don't know what to call this" time.
-First thought that pops into mind is my "projects" as in ... my plans as to what's going to take a bigger focus in my queue of a reading list. I think I slowly got into like 5 and then narrowed it to 2. I end up finishing books eventually ... but more time might help that. I'd post the queue of books I'm reading but I forgot them ... the only one I can remember and which is #1 right now is "The Cross of Christ" by John Stott.
-Bible Study time. I don't know about you, but I feel like there's a lot more richness in the text that I simply don't have the time to get a shovel and dig for. I don't have "study time" the way I used to or I'm a bad time management guy who can't make the time for it. Having this little break will leave me no excuse.
-Writing. I've learned that I like to write. Sure that should be obvious with a blog with a handful of verbose entries that ramble but what I've learned is that I really enjoy it. I like putting thoughts down, critiquing them, the process of conveying the right meaning with the right words, etc. And though I'm content with writing things that I'll probably be the only one to read, I've learned that I like to learn how to write for the benefit of others too. I think it's funny that this hobby(?) of mine started with making a xanga during finals week of my sophomore year in high school. I noticed a trend about my entries ... they got longer each time. Just like this list.
-Practice. Basketball, drums, I guess theology/study of the bible fits in there too, learning how to grow in growing up?
-Learning in general. There's some things/resources I've put on hold that I wanted to make time for and didn't have the time to view during the school year. Time to get at it fosho.
6) Hangout time.
-Just to do life and enjoy life with the people I love. Hardcore talks about ministry and theology are freal fun for me and so is just getting a strawberry/banana milkshake with tapioca from star snow ice with my mom paying :D (kidding ... i think), seeing a movie with the "young adults" age people of cbc (i guess i'm getting there now too), or playing ball on Tuesday nights at cbc. Not to mention tons of PHO and DIM SUM. oh man. but ya ... whatever. Just time to rest and have fun.
7) CBC.
-Chinese Baptist Church has been my home church since birth ... And we're in a transition time ... and I don't keep up with all that's going on as much as a church member should, but I love it there, even with all its kinks. I particularly love working with the youth program. Learning from everyone, being able to teach youth for a few sundays, getting (free) resources, and just doing ministry with people I love doing ministry with ... and they don't even need my help. I'm grateful for the opportunity to always go back. In the many ways going back to Houston is "home" for me, CBC is one of the top reasons why.
Having so much to look forward to, I don't even know how much free time I'll actually have ... only thing on the schedule is July 4, cousin's wedding and the vacation but ... I'm just going to hope that means I have at least a solid month or so to do all the other stuff :D.
-Jon
Highlights:
1) Family.
-Oh how i grow in appreciation of them more every year i'm apart from them. i just need to grow in showing it to them :D.
2) One of my cousins is getting married!
-It'll be one of the Lau's first interracial marriages too. should be a fun wedding and an excuse to see my brother and the relatives all come into town (some I don't even know).
3) Family vacation in the DC area (to see my brother).
-I learn with every vacation/trip I go on, that I enjoy them more than I thought. Some parts test my patience but for the most part I just love being in the middle of a different city with all the different people. It excites me. Every time it gives me a little bit of vision as to perhaps where God might have me 10 years from now.
-AND i get to see my brother. I notice that I don't mention him much around baylor or that friends (even some that know me well) assume I'm an only child ... but just like the parents, it's not that I love him more I don't think, but its more how much I realize I love him. We're totally different btw. My opinion at least.
4) Alone time.
-I'm naturally an introvert. Even at my most "extroverted" spurts, I find myself going "that was fun, now I need to get away." I'm a pretty introspective guy (a bit too much at times) but what I enjoy most about this time is just the silence. I confess I take the sabbath so sinfully lightly, as if it's just a suggestion more than a "God is for us" command. But ya ... A lot has happened every semester and rarely do I pursue the time to process some of it and just let God teach me what He was doing here, there, or even all the way over there.
-And sometimes despite all that, it's just good for me to be still and take a breath and enjoy the grace gifts around me.
5)" I don't know what to call this" time.
-First thought that pops into mind is my "projects" as in ... my plans as to what's going to take a bigger focus in my queue of a reading list. I think I slowly got into like 5 and then narrowed it to 2. I end up finishing books eventually ... but more time might help that. I'd post the queue of books I'm reading but I forgot them ... the only one I can remember and which is #1 right now is "The Cross of Christ" by John Stott.
-Bible Study time. I don't know about you, but I feel like there's a lot more richness in the text that I simply don't have the time to get a shovel and dig for. I don't have "study time" the way I used to or I'm a bad time management guy who can't make the time for it. Having this little break will leave me no excuse.
-Writing. I've learned that I like to write. Sure that should be obvious with a blog with a handful of verbose entries that ramble but what I've learned is that I really enjoy it. I like putting thoughts down, critiquing them, the process of conveying the right meaning with the right words, etc. And though I'm content with writing things that I'll probably be the only one to read, I've learned that I like to learn how to write for the benefit of others too. I think it's funny that this hobby(?) of mine started with making a xanga during finals week of my sophomore year in high school. I noticed a trend about my entries ... they got longer each time. Just like this list.
-Practice. Basketball, drums, I guess theology/study of the bible fits in there too, learning how to grow in growing up?
-Learning in general. There's some things/resources I've put on hold that I wanted to make time for and didn't have the time to view during the school year. Time to get at it fosho.
6) Hangout time.
-Just to do life and enjoy life with the people I love. Hardcore talks about ministry and theology are freal fun for me and so is just getting a strawberry/banana milkshake with tapioca from star snow ice with my mom paying :D (kidding ... i think), seeing a movie with the "young adults" age people of cbc (i guess i'm getting there now too), or playing ball on Tuesday nights at cbc. Not to mention tons of PHO and DIM SUM. oh man. but ya ... whatever. Just time to rest and have fun.
7) CBC.
-Chinese Baptist Church has been my home church since birth ... And we're in a transition time ... and I don't keep up with all that's going on as much as a church member should, but I love it there, even with all its kinks. I particularly love working with the youth program. Learning from everyone, being able to teach youth for a few sundays, getting (free) resources, and just doing ministry with people I love doing ministry with ... and they don't even need my help. I'm grateful for the opportunity to always go back. In the many ways going back to Houston is "home" for me, CBC is one of the top reasons why.
Having so much to look forward to, I don't even know how much free time I'll actually have ... only thing on the schedule is July 4, cousin's wedding and the vacation but ... I'm just going to hope that means I have at least a solid month or so to do all the other stuff :D.
-Jon
Monday, June 20, 2011
Don't want to miss it.
Confession: Sometimes I lose sight of the heart of our faith. Sometimes in the middle of much ministry and church activity, I forget about Jesus. I fail to remember the beauty of the great gospel of grace. There are too many a day where the cross doesn't even enter my mind, where its accomplishments are deemed more historical fact rather than life-changing truth. I'm learning a great deal of good things and even getting to see God do awesome things through the ministry but nowadays I confess that sometimes I run from Him. Sometimes I absolutely love, trust, believe, and am moved by the sweetness of the gospel but it doesn't take but a night's sleep before I go back to running from Him as if my sin wasn't nailed to the cross with Christ.
I'm aware that the most religious of folk missed Jesus altogether. I'm also aware that the most banged up of sinners thought their sin was greater than His grace. This summer has me in swinging from one side of the pendulum to another. I find myself comparing my current situation and life circumstances with everyone else's so that perhaps I can pity myself. I run from dealing with my sin so much. I'm a coward that thinks the kingdom rests in talk as opposed to power. Talk is good, blogs have a reason for existing but perhaps there's so much more for me. I tell some of my younger friends "don't settle with where you're at. There's more Jesus to be had" and Paul seems to be saying admonishing me a little stronger than that (1 Cor 4). So maybe that's where I'm at this summer in this exile of a land named Waco during the drought of summer session 1 in operations management.
If there's something I'm learning it's that everyday I have a choice to let sin dwell and subtly suffocate me, or I can declare war every morning in light of the victory won through my God in Christ. I want to grow up already but I forget it's a process and for some reason part of that process is having me here for the second straight summer, with every detail in between.
Jesus, don't let my eyes be enamored on any other things or person, even if those things are good. I don't want to lose sight. I don't want to set my mind on what's on the earth. I don't want to wallow in unbelief of the salvation you've already purchased for me. I don't like liking my name so much. I don't like that I crave and lust after people's admiration and praise. Help me. Take me back to that scene, where your death in my place leaves me without words, with absolutely none of this stupid wannabe spiritual swagger. Take me back to that death you died for me if only I may remember the heart of this whole thing. Restore to me the joy of your salvation. Expose me of my blindspots. Open my ears. Deepen the affections of my heart. Help me see clearly the excellencies and beauty of Jesus. God, help me fix my eyes to Jesus. Help Hebrews 12:1-2 be my walk. I need You. I find it hard to believe you love sinners who screw up unceasingly. Help me see how great Your affections are already for me. I don't want to go back to indifference. I don't want to want You to leave me alone. Take me back to that cross. Stop me from trying to self-justify all over again. You've done it. You finished it. Help me believe it. There's so much more life to be had. Help me chase it (You). Thanks for loving me first Father. I didn't want You but for some reason You wanted me. For some reason You want me.
I'm aware that the most religious of folk missed Jesus altogether. I'm also aware that the most banged up of sinners thought their sin was greater than His grace. This summer has me in swinging from one side of the pendulum to another. I find myself comparing my current situation and life circumstances with everyone else's so that perhaps I can pity myself. I run from dealing with my sin so much. I'm a coward that thinks the kingdom rests in talk as opposed to power. Talk is good, blogs have a reason for existing but perhaps there's so much more for me. I tell some of my younger friends "don't settle with where you're at. There's more Jesus to be had" and Paul seems to be saying admonishing me a little stronger than that (1 Cor 4). So maybe that's where I'm at this summer in this exile of a land named Waco during the drought of summer session 1 in operations management.
If there's something I'm learning it's that everyday I have a choice to let sin dwell and subtly suffocate me, or I can declare war every morning in light of the victory won through my God in Christ. I want to grow up already but I forget it's a process and for some reason part of that process is having me here for the second straight summer, with every detail in between.
Jesus, don't let my eyes be enamored on any other things or person, even if those things are good. I don't want to lose sight. I don't want to set my mind on what's on the earth. I don't want to wallow in unbelief of the salvation you've already purchased for me. I don't like liking my name so much. I don't like that I crave and lust after people's admiration and praise. Help me. Take me back to that scene, where your death in my place leaves me without words, with absolutely none of this stupid wannabe spiritual swagger. Take me back to that death you died for me if only I may remember the heart of this whole thing. Restore to me the joy of your salvation. Expose me of my blindspots. Open my ears. Deepen the affections of my heart. Help me see clearly the excellencies and beauty of Jesus. God, help me fix my eyes to Jesus. Help Hebrews 12:1-2 be my walk. I need You. I find it hard to believe you love sinners who screw up unceasingly. Help me see how great Your affections are already for me. I don't want to go back to indifference. I don't want to want You to leave me alone. Take me back to that cross. Stop me from trying to self-justify all over again. You've done it. You finished it. Help me believe it. There's so much more life to be had. Help me chase it (You). Thanks for loving me first Father. I didn't want You but for some reason You wanted me. For some reason You want me.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
NBA Finals 2011
I was telling Augustine soon after game 6 ended tonight, and Dallas was crowned as champions, "there's something really spiritual about all of this. Like f'real, can you feel it?"
I don't know that I've ever been more in touch or felt the highs and lows of not only this particular finals series, but of the fans of each respective city than I have for this year's NBA Finals 2011. To be 100% honest, I came in as a neutral Rockets fan, a fan of basketball but semi-annoyed by my Dallas friends' statuses on Facebook for every outcome of their beloved Mavericks, but genuinely expecting to enjoy watching this series for teams whom I had reasons to both like and dislike. I ended up siding for both teams during different stretches of the games and can confidently say that I just wanted to see a game 7 and didn't care who won. Each time had strong reasons for why they should have won and I don't think fans would agree but like the Miami Heat coach said during his post-game interview, "neither team deserved to win more than the other."
Having said all that, right now as I type this, I feel a lot of emotion, almost an angst. Throughout this whole week+ event of this finals series, the main theme I saw not only in the players and media, but also from the fans, was the word "vindication," or perhaps more poignantly "redemption." I'm not saying that to sound spiritual or theological. It's just what was there from the get go (Propz to Jason Terry btw for doing that twice. Indeed all glory be to God who even gives anyone the strength to do what they do). All the back story of what makes this championship great, every detail ... This theme of justification was smothered all over it. There were other things I saw too (the cry for justice, pure celebration, the idea of karma, identity, hopes finally realized, what a "sinner" must have felt like in passages such as Luke 15, "you chase what you most want," etc.), but the fight for vindication, the clearing of blame, accusation, and guilt, the proof that all the hard work put in would show for something caught my eye the most. There's more that could be elaborated upon. Lebron James' story is one I almost found myself almost crying over and you got to know that it's not that I'm "for" or "against" him in any way. It's the story of the man, and how he's been treated and how he's handled it as a human being that creates an uneasy angst in me at this moment.
Just like ... take a step back for a moment and look at the news right now. Look at the sheer tear-producing emotions coming from Dallas fans and Miami fans. They range from real, genuine adulation to deep, heart-aching sorrow. Go ahead. Look at Facebook and Twitter and ESPN. Look at the celebration that will happen in Dallas and the post-interviews of players from both teams. Pay attention to the beautiful story of each player of the Dallas Mavericks' roster. Don't miss how the city of Cleveland is reacting to this. Look at the tweet by the Cavaliers' owner in response to the outcome of the game. Pay attention to the real person with a soul, Lebron James. He's not just arguably the best basketball player on the planet. He's a real man with a wounded soul. Listen to how he feels as a person more so than as a player. Look at it all. Listen to the chants.
Objectively speaking, I've seen people more happy and exuberant than I've ever seen them. I've seen people worship who wouldn't say they're worshipers of anything. All the sudden our language changes for the best or the worst, people dancing that never danced, etc. People ranging from different age groups, ethnicities, socio-economic statuses, religious beliefs all sharing this huge moment. The entire ambiance of workplace environments will surely be different tomorrow morning. Even our churches might have a distinct glow about it. It's crazy. And as a Rockets fan, I'm no different than any of my Dallas fans who have been enveloped into it all. Point is, this is all weird is it not? There's something very telling about the human heart in all this (both for the good and the bad) and I don't think I'm be over dramatic. Just look at the news. Objectively speaking, this is all just weird.
All that to say, in conclusion, winner and loser alike, the honest truth is we all need God to save us from ourselves. Praise be to God that He's made redemption possible. Praise Christ that He took our guilt and shame and went to the cross. Praise Christ that at the cross and resurrection, we find our acceptance and worth in Him in such a way that makes justification before man infinitely inferior. Praise God that whether or not we got what we wanted, worked hard for, and did all the right things for, through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, we are given what our souls will endlessly chase till we find rest: God, Himself. There will be a celebration one day that will make all other parties and celebrations look pathetic in comparison to. It will be a billion times louder, have many more adoring fans (and not just fans) celebrating alongside us, and it will not end a day or two later like all other celebrations on earth do. It will be pure, "all man has ever longed for" joy forever and ever because of a God who is gracious and of an event He accomplished that is worthy of celebrating. God, for the joy of all peoples, help us invite more and more to join us. Life's a struggle but help us.
"Then I looked, and I heard around the throne and the living creatures and the elders the voice of many angels, numbering myriads of myriads and thousands of thousands, saying with a loud voice, “Worthy is the Lamb who was slain, to receive power and wealth and wisdom and might and honor and glory and blessing!” And I heard every creature in heaven and on earth and under the earth and in the sea, and all that is in them, saying, “To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb be blessing and honor and glory and might forever and ever!” And the four living creatures said, “Amen!” and the elders fell down and worshiped."
-Revelation 5:11-14
Congratulations Dallas and Miami. Well-fought series. It was a blessing to watch.
As Jason Terry said, "To God be the glory."
-Jon
I don't know that I've ever been more in touch or felt the highs and lows of not only this particular finals series, but of the fans of each respective city than I have for this year's NBA Finals 2011. To be 100% honest, I came in as a neutral Rockets fan, a fan of basketball but semi-annoyed by my Dallas friends' statuses on Facebook for every outcome of their beloved Mavericks, but genuinely expecting to enjoy watching this series for teams whom I had reasons to both like and dislike. I ended up siding for both teams during different stretches of the games and can confidently say that I just wanted to see a game 7 and didn't care who won. Each time had strong reasons for why they should have won and I don't think fans would agree but like the Miami Heat coach said during his post-game interview, "neither team deserved to win more than the other."
Having said all that, right now as I type this, I feel a lot of emotion, almost an angst. Throughout this whole week+ event of this finals series, the main theme I saw not only in the players and media, but also from the fans, was the word "vindication," or perhaps more poignantly "redemption." I'm not saying that to sound spiritual or theological. It's just what was there from the get go (Propz to Jason Terry btw for doing that twice. Indeed all glory be to God who even gives anyone the strength to do what they do). All the back story of what makes this championship great, every detail ... This theme of justification was smothered all over it. There were other things I saw too (the cry for justice, pure celebration, the idea of karma, identity, hopes finally realized, what a "sinner" must have felt like in passages such as Luke 15, "you chase what you most want," etc.), but the fight for vindication, the clearing of blame, accusation, and guilt, the proof that all the hard work put in would show for something caught my eye the most. There's more that could be elaborated upon. Lebron James' story is one I almost found myself almost crying over and you got to know that it's not that I'm "for" or "against" him in any way. It's the story of the man, and how he's been treated and how he's handled it as a human being that creates an uneasy angst in me at this moment.
Just like ... take a step back for a moment and look at the news right now. Look at the sheer tear-producing emotions coming from Dallas fans and Miami fans. They range from real, genuine adulation to deep, heart-aching sorrow. Go ahead. Look at Facebook and Twitter and ESPN. Look at the celebration that will happen in Dallas and the post-interviews of players from both teams. Pay attention to the beautiful story of each player of the Dallas Mavericks' roster. Don't miss how the city of Cleveland is reacting to this. Look at the tweet by the Cavaliers' owner in response to the outcome of the game. Pay attention to the real person with a soul, Lebron James. He's not just arguably the best basketball player on the planet. He's a real man with a wounded soul. Listen to how he feels as a person more so than as a player. Look at it all. Listen to the chants.
Objectively speaking, I've seen people more happy and exuberant than I've ever seen them. I've seen people worship who wouldn't say they're worshipers of anything. All the sudden our language changes for the best or the worst, people dancing that never danced, etc. People ranging from different age groups, ethnicities, socio-economic statuses, religious beliefs all sharing this huge moment. The entire ambiance of workplace environments will surely be different tomorrow morning. Even our churches might have a distinct glow about it. It's crazy. And as a Rockets fan, I'm no different than any of my Dallas fans who have been enveloped into it all. Point is, this is all weird is it not? There's something very telling about the human heart in all this (both for the good and the bad) and I don't think I'm be over dramatic. Just look at the news. Objectively speaking, this is all just weird.
All that to say, in conclusion, winner and loser alike, the honest truth is we all need God to save us from ourselves. Praise be to God that He's made redemption possible. Praise Christ that He took our guilt and shame and went to the cross. Praise Christ that at the cross and resurrection, we find our acceptance and worth in Him in such a way that makes justification before man infinitely inferior. Praise God that whether or not we got what we wanted, worked hard for, and did all the right things for, through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, we are given what our souls will endlessly chase till we find rest: God, Himself. There will be a celebration one day that will make all other parties and celebrations look pathetic in comparison to. It will be a billion times louder, have many more adoring fans (and not just fans) celebrating alongside us, and it will not end a day or two later like all other celebrations on earth do. It will be pure, "all man has ever longed for" joy forever and ever because of a God who is gracious and of an event He accomplished that is worthy of celebrating. God, for the joy of all peoples, help us invite more and more to join us. Life's a struggle but help us.
"Then I looked, and I heard around the throne and the living creatures and the elders the voice of many angels, numbering myriads of myriads and thousands of thousands, saying with a loud voice, “Worthy is the Lamb who was slain, to receive power and wealth and wisdom and might and honor and glory and blessing!” And I heard every creature in heaven and on earth and under the earth and in the sea, and all that is in them, saying, “To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb be blessing and honor and glory and might forever and ever!” And the four living creatures said, “Amen!” and the elders fell down and worshiped."
-Revelation 5:11-14
Congratulations Dallas and Miami. Well-fought series. It was a blessing to watch.
As Jason Terry said, "To God be the glory."
-Jon
Monday, June 6, 2011
some other time?
"Faith in college. Was it all real?"
That's the note/blog entry title I wanted to sit down and type at this perfect hour of 1:33am. Mark it as blog #2 I commit to writing before graduation that will turn out to be basically a short paper. Hm, maybe I'll try to outline my thoughts now.
*Note: the paper would probably be in context with people who have grown up in the church, accepted Christ, etc.
*Post-outline note* I just realized this is encompassing too much material from all spheres of my college experience. Everything from the struggle to finding out whether my faith was MY faith to the emergent church to the role of Intervarsity and why I think God's put me in it, to the continual reminder of how absolutely vital theology is, to the particular college I attend, church in general, the gospel, etc. Eh. I wish this was my homework. Even if no one else read it, I easily wouldn't mind spending hour upon hour writing it.
I. Intro explaining title, thesis, and why it even matters
a. my background journey on what to make of Christianity
1. particular emphasis on senior year of high school summer to current day
2. objective overview of how I've seen it play out with
a. recent post-grad friends/ppl i know
b. peers/friends who are my age
c. current but younger college students
3. how I think it might play out with incoming college students.
II. My fears: Apathy being cool
III. My plea: Don't be put off by the word "theology." There's too much at stake. Time to study.
IV. Time to get to work. We're a sent people.
In the end, I think I'm getting myself too riled up for this. My hope, my dream, my longing is that there'd be a resurgence of men and women who absolutely adore the explicit gospel of Jesus Christ; men and women who without hesitation would give their lives for its preservation. I long to be one of those people and want to invite whoever is willing to join the pursuit. As the song goes, we really are all just playing the "background" but I just wanna play my part well.
To the glory of Christ,
-jon
That's the note/blog entry title I wanted to sit down and type at this perfect hour of 1:33am. Mark it as blog #2 I commit to writing before graduation that will turn out to be basically a short paper. Hm, maybe I'll try to outline my thoughts now.
*Note: the paper would probably be in context with people who have grown up in the church, accepted Christ, etc.
*Post-outline note* I just realized this is encompassing too much material from all spheres of my college experience. Everything from the struggle to finding out whether my faith was MY faith to the emergent church to the role of Intervarsity and why I think God's put me in it, to the continual reminder of how absolutely vital theology is, to the particular college I attend, church in general, the gospel, etc. Eh. I wish this was my homework. Even if no one else read it, I easily wouldn't mind spending hour upon hour writing it.
I. Intro explaining title, thesis, and why it even matters
a. my background journey on what to make of Christianity
1. particular emphasis on senior year of high school summer to current day
2. objective overview of how I've seen it play out with
a. recent post-grad friends/ppl i know
b. peers/friends who are my age
c. current but younger college students
3. how I think it might play out with incoming college students.
II. My fears: Apathy being cool
III. My plea: Don't be put off by the word "theology." There's too much at stake. Time to study.
IV. Time to get to work. We're a sent people.
In the end, I think I'm getting myself too riled up for this. My hope, my dream, my longing is that there'd be a resurgence of men and women who absolutely adore the explicit gospel of Jesus Christ; men and women who without hesitation would give their lives for its preservation. I long to be one of those people and want to invite whoever is willing to join the pursuit. As the song goes, we really are all just playing the "background" but I just wanna play my part well.
To the glory of Christ,
-jon
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
I'm under His discipline, not His wrath. He loves me.
"For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who by their unrighteousness suppress the truth. For what can be known about God is plain to them, because God has shown it to them. For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made. So they are without excuse. For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened. Claiming to be wise, they became fools, and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling mortal man and birds and animals and creeping things.
Therefore God gave them up in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, to the dishonoring of their bodies among themselves, because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever! Amen."
-Romans 1:18-25
Sometimes what you most want is for God to withhold giving you what you most longed for and cried the most tears for, lest you chase creation over Creator. Sometimes it's very much God's discipline that you want to receive instead of something far scarier, His passive wrath.
And just putting it out there, it was not my intention to have this get all up in my business when I started studying Romans 1:18-32. It was originally intentioned for strict theological acumen haha. I wanted to own Romans 1 to understand the bad news of sin so that I could better understand the power of the good news of Jesus Christ crucified and risen. I didn't know it'd take a turn like this and show up this much over the span of a semester ...
The scariest thing the Creator God of the Bible can do to man is just let man chase His stuff instead of Him. That in response to man choosing God's creation over God Himself, God just "gives you up" to those lusts and withholds His all-satisfying self. That He doesn't blow you up, get your attention, make you restless and frustrated so that you might cry out to Him and repent, but that He might just go "Okay, you want that over me? Okay, fine, chase it. Let's see how far striving after the wind gets you. It didn't work for a guy like Solomon and He was much wiser than you." In the end, the scary truth that could be true of some of us is that in response to your sin, your making something else ultimate over God, God shows indifference and apathy.
It plays out like Romans 1 and Ephesians 2:1-3 says. Though the pursuit of creation over Creator might taste good, it only lasts for a season before the shine, glamor and appeal that once made you so thrilled and worked up, becomes just so ... plain. And by nature, when this happens, as a result of the fall, we as fallen man find ourselves in utter desperation, jumping hurdles and sacrificing all else to get back to that feeling of excitement and sheer "joy", lest that feeling of "There's got to be more than this! What's wrong?" comes back to rear its ugly head. The scariest thing of all of this is that we as man may not even see it happening at all. And for those of us who have studied the passage well (And especially us wanna-be-freakin-awesome theologians and ministry leaders), we assume that this couldn't possibly be us. It's something we preach to our friends but as far as us, nah, wouldn't happen. We use our theology as a defense to avoid sin. We don't realize that though wrath doesn't touch us anymore, just like Israel, in the midst of difficulty, we sometimes would prefer turning back to slavery, to things that we know won't satisfy but are at the moment easier to bear. Though we know that the scriptures say that God put forward Christ as our propitiation (Rom. 3:21-26), we assume that we'd never find ourselves wanting to go back to "God leave me alone." We may never even notice that we're under passive wrath because perhaps we've assumed and equated things such as ministry involvement with freedom in Christ. In the end, it is indeed 100% God's grace that we find ourselves free to chase Him instead of His stuff but it is easy to manipulate beautiful doctrine as sure as this one to justify our sin. Truth is we may be on the border of walking in this yet simultaneously be blind to this altogether. That's what's scary.
It may takes a couple seasons to swallow but sometimes we really don't want what we most wanted. Sometimes the thing we most cried for and prayed for God to give us the most is the very thing that God is too jealous for us to grant. And to be honest I rather hate this season cuz I'm still not letting it go. And it's not just one thing, it's many. I feel like I've done so freakin much "dying to self" that God should give me at least one thing I want. He should have given me at least one thing I wanted. And I can sit here and list every single thing I wanted that God withheld this semester, heck, this month, and in general, my entire college life. And when I'm really weak, I can dig into things like not making basketball team in high school. There's much more I could complain about. Don't get me wrong. I'm in no way some kind of martyr. I'm just saying it hurts and though I did all I could to get a biblical framework lest I started to believe that the God of the universe would grant me this if I did this in His name, I find myself a lot more fragile than my defenses want to admit. I talk about weakness and to be honest I can show it on things such as blogs and even in real life conversations but when it's just me, I don't like to admit how fragile I am, how prone to wander, how much flesh in me chases everything but God. I preach lines like "you can use religion to run away from God. You can use ministry to avoid Him altogether" but God's teaching this wanna-be pharisee again. I hate that I can't seem to let some of these things go. I thought I had been made free from this already.
I don't like learning things over and over again that I thought I had already learned. I particularly don't really want for God to keep teaching me the things I thought I would be teaching others. Not this often. But this is what He's been teaching me for months. It hurts (present tense), but I know it's out of His discipline (Hebrews 12), and not his wrath (Romans 1) that He shows His deep affections for me. And I think that's probably the hardest truth for me to believe sometimes ... That God loves me. Heard it all my life in church but it's still a struggle to believe sometimes ... how great God's affections are for me. I wasn't prepared for a love that beat me up this much but I'm grateful that as the song goes: "He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane, I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy."
For Christians, for those who have been crucified with Christ (Gal. 2:20) and raised to new life and new identity in Him (Eph. 2:4-5), we can be 100%, absolutely confident that we're not under His wrath but under His discipline. That in seasons where it's just plain hard, where life beats the sense of entitlement and invulnerability out of our arrogant college selves, that God's not punishing us for sin but that He already sent His perfect, spotless son Jesus to do that in our place for us already. That at the bloody scene of the cross, the wrath of God, both active and passive was poured out on Jesus Christ FULLY. That none of it touches you and me at all. That every hard season is God's love for you and me, working itself out in discipline, and not his wrath.
For non-Christians, the scriptures are probably offensive to you as they were to me. They say you're dead in your trespasses and sins, a follower of the world and satan (who is at this very moment at work in you), a slave to your flesh and mind, and by nature a child of wrath. That's strictly Ephesians 2:1-3 saying it, not me. My prayer is that Ephesians 2:4 might get you too. Repentance used to look like a clamp and a chain upon my freedom but it wasn't until I was raised with Christ that I saw repentance as a gift to freedom to pursue what I was chasing all my life ... I'm begging you to be reconciled to God through faith in the person of Jesus and what He accomplished at the cross. I tried to tell God "Leave me alone" for so long and it never worked out. I was only "free" to keep chasing the wind. There's so much more for you in Jesus.
Hebrews 12:1-11:
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses (Hebrews 11's "hall of faith,") let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.
Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted. In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?
“My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord,
nor be weary when reproved by him.
For the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
and chastises every son whom he receives.”
It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it."
Maybe I can stop complaining and now move on to the "therefore" of verse 13. God thank You that your love for me is a pursuit that has and will continue to ultimately overcome my rebellion. I'm still not totally free from all this but I'm grateful that no matter how far I run, You catch me. You have me. You got me and I'm glad You ain't letting go. Thank You for saving me from myself. Keep it up please Father.
Therefore God gave them up in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, to the dishonoring of their bodies among themselves, because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever! Amen."
-Romans 1:18-25
Sometimes what you most want is for God to withhold giving you what you most longed for and cried the most tears for, lest you chase creation over Creator. Sometimes it's very much God's discipline that you want to receive instead of something far scarier, His passive wrath.
And just putting it out there, it was not my intention to have this get all up in my business when I started studying Romans 1:18-32. It was originally intentioned for strict theological acumen haha. I wanted to own Romans 1 to understand the bad news of sin so that I could better understand the power of the good news of Jesus Christ crucified and risen. I didn't know it'd take a turn like this and show up this much over the span of a semester ...
The scariest thing the Creator God of the Bible can do to man is just let man chase His stuff instead of Him. That in response to man choosing God's creation over God Himself, God just "gives you up" to those lusts and withholds His all-satisfying self. That He doesn't blow you up, get your attention, make you restless and frustrated so that you might cry out to Him and repent, but that He might just go "Okay, you want that over me? Okay, fine, chase it. Let's see how far striving after the wind gets you. It didn't work for a guy like Solomon and He was much wiser than you." In the end, the scary truth that could be true of some of us is that in response to your sin, your making something else ultimate over God, God shows indifference and apathy.
It plays out like Romans 1 and Ephesians 2:1-3 says. Though the pursuit of creation over Creator might taste good, it only lasts for a season before the shine, glamor and appeal that once made you so thrilled and worked up, becomes just so ... plain. And by nature, when this happens, as a result of the fall, we as fallen man find ourselves in utter desperation, jumping hurdles and sacrificing all else to get back to that feeling of excitement and sheer "joy", lest that feeling of "There's got to be more than this! What's wrong?" comes back to rear its ugly head. The scariest thing of all of this is that we as man may not even see it happening at all. And for those of us who have studied the passage well (And especially us wanna-be-freakin-awesome theologians and ministry leaders), we assume that this couldn't possibly be us. It's something we preach to our friends but as far as us, nah, wouldn't happen. We use our theology as a defense to avoid sin. We don't realize that though wrath doesn't touch us anymore, just like Israel, in the midst of difficulty, we sometimes would prefer turning back to slavery, to things that we know won't satisfy but are at the moment easier to bear. Though we know that the scriptures say that God put forward Christ as our propitiation (Rom. 3:21-26), we assume that we'd never find ourselves wanting to go back to "God leave me alone." We may never even notice that we're under passive wrath because perhaps we've assumed and equated things such as ministry involvement with freedom in Christ. In the end, it is indeed 100% God's grace that we find ourselves free to chase Him instead of His stuff but it is easy to manipulate beautiful doctrine as sure as this one to justify our sin. Truth is we may be on the border of walking in this yet simultaneously be blind to this altogether. That's what's scary.
It may takes a couple seasons to swallow but sometimes we really don't want what we most wanted. Sometimes the thing we most cried for and prayed for God to give us the most is the very thing that God is too jealous for us to grant. And to be honest I rather hate this season cuz I'm still not letting it go. And it's not just one thing, it's many. I feel like I've done so freakin much "dying to self" that God should give me at least one thing I want. He should have given me at least one thing I wanted. And I can sit here and list every single thing I wanted that God withheld this semester, heck, this month, and in general, my entire college life. And when I'm really weak, I can dig into things like not making basketball team in high school. There's much more I could complain about. Don't get me wrong. I'm in no way some kind of martyr. I'm just saying it hurts and though I did all I could to get a biblical framework lest I started to believe that the God of the universe would grant me this if I did this in His name, I find myself a lot more fragile than my defenses want to admit. I talk about weakness and to be honest I can show it on things such as blogs and even in real life conversations but when it's just me, I don't like to admit how fragile I am, how prone to wander, how much flesh in me chases everything but God. I preach lines like "you can use religion to run away from God. You can use ministry to avoid Him altogether" but God's teaching this wanna-be pharisee again. I hate that I can't seem to let some of these things go. I thought I had been made free from this already.
I don't like learning things over and over again that I thought I had already learned. I particularly don't really want for God to keep teaching me the things I thought I would be teaching others. Not this often. But this is what He's been teaching me for months. It hurts (present tense), but I know it's out of His discipline (Hebrews 12), and not his wrath (Romans 1) that He shows His deep affections for me. And I think that's probably the hardest truth for me to believe sometimes ... That God loves me. Heard it all my life in church but it's still a struggle to believe sometimes ... how great God's affections are for me. I wasn't prepared for a love that beat me up this much but I'm grateful that as the song goes: "He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane, I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy."
For Christians, for those who have been crucified with Christ (Gal. 2:20) and raised to new life and new identity in Him (Eph. 2:4-5), we can be 100%, absolutely confident that we're not under His wrath but under His discipline. That in seasons where it's just plain hard, where life beats the sense of entitlement and invulnerability out of our arrogant college selves, that God's not punishing us for sin but that He already sent His perfect, spotless son Jesus to do that in our place for us already. That at the bloody scene of the cross, the wrath of God, both active and passive was poured out on Jesus Christ FULLY. That none of it touches you and me at all. That every hard season is God's love for you and me, working itself out in discipline, and not his wrath.
For non-Christians, the scriptures are probably offensive to you as they were to me. They say you're dead in your trespasses and sins, a follower of the world and satan (who is at this very moment at work in you), a slave to your flesh and mind, and by nature a child of wrath. That's strictly Ephesians 2:1-3 saying it, not me. My prayer is that Ephesians 2:4 might get you too. Repentance used to look like a clamp and a chain upon my freedom but it wasn't until I was raised with Christ that I saw repentance as a gift to freedom to pursue what I was chasing all my life ... I'm begging you to be reconciled to God through faith in the person of Jesus and what He accomplished at the cross. I tried to tell God "Leave me alone" for so long and it never worked out. I was only "free" to keep chasing the wind. There's so much more for you in Jesus.
Hebrews 12:1-11:
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses (Hebrews 11's "hall of faith,") let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.
Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted. In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?
“My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord,
nor be weary when reproved by him.
For the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
and chastises every son whom he receives.”
It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it."
Maybe I can stop complaining and now move on to the "therefore" of verse 13. God thank You that your love for me is a pursuit that has and will continue to ultimately overcome my rebellion. I'm still not totally free from all this but I'm grateful that no matter how far I run, You catch me. You have me. You got me and I'm glad You ain't letting go. Thank You for saving me from myself. Keep it up please Father.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
In light of current events ...
(This is a response I just wrote to a facebook note my "brother" (baylor brother) wrote asking for how we as Christians should respond to the report of Osama Bin Laden's death ...)
I wonder if the way Osama's death has been celebrated here in the states, if the early members of "The Way" would have celebrated in a similar way at the death of a dude named saul.
i'll never know what it's like to have lost a loved one to...... the actions due to this particular person. Sometimes I find it hard to believe that our God could save people like osama. Like if there was an "unsaveable" guy, the guy that you know wouldn't give a second ear, would never ever ever receive the gospel, it'd be this guy. It'd be guys like hitler, guys who in the face of such cruel injustice, smile and continue to do so GLADLY. But then in these scriptures we've been given, there's a dude whose life screamed:
"I thank him who has given me strength, Christ Jesus our Lord, because he judged me faithful, appointing me to his service, though formerly I was a blasphemer, persecutor, and insolent opponent. But I received mercy because I had acted ignorantly in unbelief, and the grace of our Lord overflowed for me with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost. But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life. To the King of ages, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever.Amen."
-1 Timothy 1:12-17
It's as if Paul's saying "If he could save a sinner like ME, then He can save anyone." This gives me hope. I love that Paul, the guy who would later write 3/4 of the second half of our Bible is so enthralled, so "I can't believe Jesus saved me!", that he shares his testimony over and over and over again. It's like each time he tells it he's like "ya I still can't believe He saved me."
The justice and wrath of God we shall leave to God. I'm grateful that they don't touch me and hopeful for those who may by grace repent so that the cup wont pour out on them either. The gospel of Jesus Christ is powerful and I hope I believe it enough to open up this unbelieving mouth. Osama was a guy as lost and hopeless as we once were (we don't celebrate real souls that are dead and hopeless). May God be glorious and mighty to bring to repentance and save many more sinners and may we believe He can today, tomorrow.
If there's anything that can be indisputably obvious about this turn of events, it's that sin is real, the world is fractured and broken, we as people are lost and confused, and passionately want JUSTICE. and in end, we are a people most desperately in need of hope. Christianity says there was hope and there is hope. His name's Jesus and he went to the cross so that we wouldn't get the justice due us because it was poured out on a man who was everything we weren't. Everyone wants justice when they're not the one on trial. But when we're the one making our defense, we better have a perfect plea. Thank God, He made a way through Jesus. Justice upheld, wrath satisfied, life given to a guilty people who were once dead in their sin.
I wonder if the way Osama's death has been celebrated here in the states, if the early members of "The Way" would have celebrated in a similar way at the death of a dude named saul.
i'll never know what it's like to have lost a loved one to...... the actions due to this particular person. Sometimes I find it hard to believe that our God could save people like osama. Like if there was an "unsaveable" guy, the guy that you know wouldn't give a second ear, would never ever ever receive the gospel, it'd be this guy. It'd be guys like hitler, guys who in the face of such cruel injustice, smile and continue to do so GLADLY. But then in these scriptures we've been given, there's a dude whose life screamed:
"I thank him who has given me strength, Christ Jesus our Lord, because he judged me faithful, appointing me to his service, though formerly I was a blasphemer, persecutor, and insolent opponent. But I received mercy because I had acted ignorantly in unbelief, and the grace of our Lord overflowed for me with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost. But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life. To the King of ages, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever.Amen."
-1 Timothy 1:12-17
It's as if Paul's saying "If he could save a sinner like ME, then He can save anyone." This gives me hope. I love that Paul, the guy who would later write 3/4 of the second half of our Bible is so enthralled, so "I can't believe Jesus saved me!", that he shares his testimony over and over and over again. It's like each time he tells it he's like "ya I still can't believe He saved me."
The justice and wrath of God we shall leave to God. I'm grateful that they don't touch me and hopeful for those who may by grace repent so that the cup wont pour out on them either. The gospel of Jesus Christ is powerful and I hope I believe it enough to open up this unbelieving mouth. Osama was a guy as lost and hopeless as we once were (we don't celebrate real souls that are dead and hopeless). May God be glorious and mighty to bring to repentance and save many more sinners and may we believe He can today, tomorrow.
If there's anything that can be indisputably obvious about this turn of events, it's that sin is real, the world is fractured and broken, we as people are lost and confused, and passionately want JUSTICE. and in end, we are a people most desperately in need of hope. Christianity says there was hope and there is hope. His name's Jesus and he went to the cross so that we wouldn't get the justice due us because it was poured out on a man who was everything we weren't. Everyone wants justice when they're not the one on trial. But when we're the one making our defense, we better have a perfect plea. Thank God, He made a way through Jesus. Justice upheld, wrath satisfied, life given to a guilty people who were once dead in their sin.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
1 Corinthians 15:20-22
For the past month, when I've found the times to be quiet, I've found myself asking myself "is this all real? Is this Jesus thing, is it real to me? Despite all the theology, all the whatever, is this thing for real or is it all a game I'm playing?" And in 1 Corinthians 15:12-19, Paul rightly recognizes that this question all hinges on a historical question. "Did Christ really raise from the dead?" And in response to that question he lists all these things we should do if it's not. He lists the implications in honesty as if he's lived in light of the implications. In verse 17, he basically says that if Christ has not been raised, we should just go back to the futility of self-justification. We've still got to do something with our sins. But after this, there is a response to these implications of the "if":
"But in fact Christ has been raised from the dead, the firstfruits of those who have fallen asleep. For as by a man came death, by a man has come also the resurrection of the dead. For as in Adam all die, so also in Christ shall all be made alive." (ESV)
I'm grateful that the exchange we made back in Genesis 3 has been exchanged back by the work of Jesus. So helpless, so dead we were. How saved, how loved, how alive we are. Praise Jesus. Thank God for the cross and the empty tomb. We're no longer in our sins anymore. As Christ's body wasn't still found in the tomb, neither are ours. We're alive. We've been raised. We've been resurrected from the dead. Good news!
"But in fact Christ has been raised from the dead, the firstfruits of those who have fallen asleep. For as by a man came death, by a man has come also the resurrection of the dead. For as in Adam all die, so also in Christ shall all be made alive." (ESV)
I'm grateful that the exchange we made back in Genesis 3 has been exchanged back by the work of Jesus. So helpless, so dead we were. How saved, how loved, how alive we are. Praise Jesus. Thank God for the cross and the empty tomb. We're no longer in our sins anymore. As Christ's body wasn't still found in the tomb, neither are ours. We're alive. We've been raised. We've been resurrected from the dead. Good news!
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
I can actually see it.
Sometimes I wonder whether my theology is a product of other people's theologies combined with little effort on my part of actually struggling with the scriptures to see what they mean. Like there's a difference between having a working theology and reading scripture and agreeing about it and coming into scripture with no game plan and letting the scriptures determine what you believe. Wow I just realized I was defining eisegesis and exegesis in the middle of that sentence. So I guess it's just comforting to know that this faith is my own tonight. That these things I believe about God and His scriptures, this gospel I say I will lay my life down for, it's something I can actually see in this book. It's not my hero's idea but it's right here in front of me on pages of paper.
It's just fun sometimes where you go "oh snap, i'm reading exodus 20 and for some reason I see Romans 7 all over it." It's exciting. Like you hear people you trust go "The Old Testament is all about Jesus. It's pointing to Him the whole time." But to actually see it, to feel it, to have a glimpse of the scope Paul was writing in to the church of Rome.
I wonder if I'm being overdramatic. It's just a fear of mine I've had ... "is the message of the scriptures something I've actually seen with my own eyes or is it something I kind of/somewhat see and just agree with?" "Is this stressing of the necessity of gospel-centeredness something I've personally been convinced of in the scriptures or is it a ministry philosophy/camp I agree with b/c I like and trust the guys and friends that say it?" That's my flesh a lot of the time. But, there are some rich moments where I begin to see that this stuff is simply true. "As clear as day" as they say. The gospel is everything. I thank God tonight for showing me this in Exodus 20 and Deuteronomy 5 and Romans 7.
I'm not sure I have a favorite verse but I think John 19:30 might be it:
"It is finished."
Thank You for giving me spiritual eyes to see God.
-Jon
It's just fun sometimes where you go "oh snap, i'm reading exodus 20 and for some reason I see Romans 7 all over it." It's exciting. Like you hear people you trust go "The Old Testament is all about Jesus. It's pointing to Him the whole time." But to actually see it, to feel it, to have a glimpse of the scope Paul was writing in to the church of Rome.
I wonder if I'm being overdramatic. It's just a fear of mine I've had ... "is the message of the scriptures something I've actually seen with my own eyes or is it something I kind of/somewhat see and just agree with?" "Is this stressing of the necessity of gospel-centeredness something I've personally been convinced of in the scriptures or is it a ministry philosophy/camp I agree with b/c I like and trust the guys and friends that say it?" That's my flesh a lot of the time. But, there are some rich moments where I begin to see that this stuff is simply true. "As clear as day" as they say. The gospel is everything. I thank God tonight for showing me this in Exodus 20 and Deuteronomy 5 and Romans 7.
I'm not sure I have a favorite verse but I think John 19:30 might be it:
"It is finished."
Thank You for giving me spiritual eyes to see God.
-Jon
Monday, April 18, 2011
No doubt
Further confirmation of the calling. I think anyway.
I found myself asking "do i really wanna do this for the rest of my life?"
I replied: "No doubt."
It's exciting how these next years will play out. I'm afraid as I suppose it's normal to be, and sad at the realities of growing up. I absolutely love my friends here at Baylor and my family back at CBC. But for now, I'm not going to think about the thought of not seeing them as much and just take advantage that I can tomorrow :D.
He's good. plain and simple. He's good. Jesus, thanks. None compares.
-Jon
I found myself asking "do i really wanna do this for the rest of my life?"
I replied: "No doubt."
It's exciting how these next years will play out. I'm afraid as I suppose it's normal to be, and sad at the realities of growing up. I absolutely love my friends here at Baylor and my family back at CBC. But for now, I'm not going to think about the thought of not seeing them as much and just take advantage that I can tomorrow :D.
He's good. plain and simple. He's good. Jesus, thanks. None compares.
-Jon
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Alfred and Friday, Friday, Friday. Kidding.
Me, prepping some notes based off of Romans 1:18-25 around Saturday night, at 4am ... heh. Alfred wakes up from a 4 hour nap.
Me: "why does God hate sin? Why does our sin invoke His wrath?"
Alf: "... Because ... He loves us."
Me: "... dangggg dawgggg! That's good! Yes! *pounds it*. That's gonna make it in on Friday."
-We had just had a nice chat at Texas Roadhouse and Alfred goes back to sleep after this conversation about 10 min alter ... I love Texas Roadhouse's fort worth ribeyes!
I love the multiple layers of the gospel. God is personally offended and angered and infuriated against sin. Why? Because a perfect Father loves His children enough to hate the things that separate His children from His all-satisfying, all-providing self. We need to get back to Him somehow. And His infinite perfection and holiness demands that it come at a costly, costly price. Praise God for His Son, Jesus. Praise God for Jesus.
By the grace of Jesus Christ, I have an opportunity right now to be discipling a newer believer in Christ. His name is Alfred Lee. It's been a joy to just be a part of his life and to be an agent that got to see, firsthand, the transforming work of the gospel on his life. It's crazy. Just looking back on how far he's come and how much more God is doing and will do in him. It's crazy. He's going back to his home, Taiwan, on his first ever mission trip! That's pretty exciting ... to think about Acts 17 playing itself out ... Me and Alf really shouldn't have that much in common to be honest. He's a first generation Taiwanese student who never wanted to come to the states and leave his home behind, with no working knowledge of who Jesus was and I'm a 2.5(?) generation, Texan, Cantonese, brisket-loving wanna-be ghetto kid who grew up in the church but never felt like I belonged to it. Somehow God works ... And thinking about all those times where Alfred would just sit on our couch in my apartment, with a friendship solely built on the sport of basketball (what a sovereign God we serve), and kinda just waiting ... as if He was waiting for me to share the gospel with him or something ... It took entirely too long (in my opinion) but what joy it was when I finally did share the great news of the person and work of Jesus. Fast forward 7-8 months later, and Alfred later decides to follow this Jesus at a camping trip with the fellowship group that brought our paths together, at a moment where i was so disbelieving in God and the power of the gospel, and it's all just so crazy how it happened. It's not easy discipling someone ... I think this might be my first intentional discipleship relationship, but it's totally worth it and it's satisfying ... Sometimes it's hard to be patient, and work through the weeks where it seems so hard ... just life and trying to teach and lead a friend to more Jesus. But then there's moments like these where they get it! And I'm reminded that the costs of following Jesus are great and I'm aware that many "dark nights of the soul" will come, but, boy, is Jesus worth it. Jesus alone is worth it. I can't believe I say things like that still.
I'm a little nervous coming into Friday. This is going to be the first time I'll have spoken in front of a large group since ... high school after a mission trip. This time is different however. Much different. These are my peers and my dearest friends and brothers and sisters and I feel a lot of weight already, a lot of the gravity of preaching already and a lot of nervous doubt of "what the heck am i doing? I can't do this. Part of me wants to run away from "preaching" because you know ... "me!? who am I to speak? I shouldn't be doing this." Yet, I know this is what He calls me to do. I'm scared, yes, but I'm excited and hopeful for the Holy Spirit to perhaps be mighty ... even through a weak vessel like me. I think God much enjoys it to use completely average nobody's if only to have us say "Danggg, that really had nothing to do at all with us. It had to be the God of the universe." My heart's heavy in a good way. My main prayer is to be an obedient server of the dish of the gospel, and to have a peaceful joy in knowing that in the end God saves ... not my attempts at eloquence. Jesus, call your sheep by name, just like you did Alfred, just like you did me, just like you're doing as I type. Make much of your glorious name.
Me: "why does God hate sin? Why does our sin invoke His wrath?"
Alf: "... Because ... He loves us."
Me: "... dangggg dawgggg! That's good! Yes! *pounds it*. That's gonna make it in on Friday."
-We had just had a nice chat at Texas Roadhouse and Alfred goes back to sleep after this conversation about 10 min alter ... I love Texas Roadhouse's fort worth ribeyes!
I love the multiple layers of the gospel. God is personally offended and angered and infuriated against sin. Why? Because a perfect Father loves His children enough to hate the things that separate His children from His all-satisfying, all-providing self. We need to get back to Him somehow. And His infinite perfection and holiness demands that it come at a costly, costly price. Praise God for His Son, Jesus. Praise God for Jesus.
By the grace of Jesus Christ, I have an opportunity right now to be discipling a newer believer in Christ. His name is Alfred Lee. It's been a joy to just be a part of his life and to be an agent that got to see, firsthand, the transforming work of the gospel on his life. It's crazy. Just looking back on how far he's come and how much more God is doing and will do in him. It's crazy. He's going back to his home, Taiwan, on his first ever mission trip! That's pretty exciting ... to think about Acts 17 playing itself out ... Me and Alf really shouldn't have that much in common to be honest. He's a first generation Taiwanese student who never wanted to come to the states and leave his home behind, with no working knowledge of who Jesus was and I'm a 2.5(?) generation, Texan, Cantonese, brisket-loving wanna-be ghetto kid who grew up in the church but never felt like I belonged to it. Somehow God works ... And thinking about all those times where Alfred would just sit on our couch in my apartment, with a friendship solely built on the sport of basketball (what a sovereign God we serve), and kinda just waiting ... as if He was waiting for me to share the gospel with him or something ... It took entirely too long (in my opinion) but what joy it was when I finally did share the great news of the person and work of Jesus. Fast forward 7-8 months later, and Alfred later decides to follow this Jesus at a camping trip with the fellowship group that brought our paths together, at a moment where i was so disbelieving in God and the power of the gospel, and it's all just so crazy how it happened. It's not easy discipling someone ... I think this might be my first intentional discipleship relationship, but it's totally worth it and it's satisfying ... Sometimes it's hard to be patient, and work through the weeks where it seems so hard ... just life and trying to teach and lead a friend to more Jesus. But then there's moments like these where they get it! And I'm reminded that the costs of following Jesus are great and I'm aware that many "dark nights of the soul" will come, but, boy, is Jesus worth it. Jesus alone is worth it. I can't believe I say things like that still.
I'm a little nervous coming into Friday. This is going to be the first time I'll have spoken in front of a large group since ... high school after a mission trip. This time is different however. Much different. These are my peers and my dearest friends and brothers and sisters and I feel a lot of weight already, a lot of the gravity of preaching already and a lot of nervous doubt of "what the heck am i doing? I can't do this. Part of me wants to run away from "preaching" because you know ... "me!? who am I to speak? I shouldn't be doing this." Yet, I know this is what He calls me to do. I'm scared, yes, but I'm excited and hopeful for the Holy Spirit to perhaps be mighty ... even through a weak vessel like me. I think God much enjoys it to use completely average nobody's if only to have us say "Danggg, that really had nothing to do at all with us. It had to be the God of the universe." My heart's heavy in a good way. My main prayer is to be an obedient server of the dish of the gospel, and to have a peaceful joy in knowing that in the end God saves ... not my attempts at eloquence. Jesus, call your sheep by name, just like you did Alfred, just like you did me, just like you're doing as I type. Make much of your glorious name.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Exciting.
The ministry of Asians For Christ (the Intervarsity group I'm plugged into here at Baylor) really freakin excites me. Next year's gonna be crazy awesome. The rest of this year I'm equally excited about. It's fun for me to look back and see where I've grown. Every year I swear I'm like "last year Jon was such a arrogant jerk that thought he had all the answers to everything ..." All that to say that it's a good thing (sanctification?) and it's been a blessing to be part of this particular ministry. And dare I say that as the end of my college career is looming nearer every day, I'm beginning to feel the Hebrews 11-like vibe for this ministry. Stretching it a tad? I don't think I am too much :). A sliver more grateful every day for the asian brethren who've gone before me and even the founders ... *stares into the distance in deep thought and reflection* ... Weird to say but I'm even more excited to see what it'll look like in like 3-4 years.
The blog I title "Asians For Christ" will be an emotional one (and probably a 7-10 page paper) so I've changed the title to "Exciting" and will save that title for super senior year :). Might as well be my "graduation thesis" or w/e. I don't think I do that as a human resources major ...
...
Jesus, thank you. You loved us first. Be precious to us. Be cherished by us. Transform this campus for the sake of Your glorious name.
The blog I title "Asians For Christ" will be an emotional one (and probably a 7-10 page paper) so I've changed the title to "Exciting" and will save that title for super senior year :). Might as well be my "graduation thesis" or w/e. I don't think I do that as a human resources major ...
...
Jesus, thank you. You loved us first. Be precious to us. Be cherished by us. Transform this campus for the sake of Your glorious name.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Grace, a call confirmed, and the need for more grace.
Thankful for a community of brothers that know me and allow me to know them. I tend to run away from them sometimes but they love me regardless (whoa sanctification). Me and Aug really are totally opposite but we've concluded that it makes us a great tag team.
Today I was reading Ezra at work today (my job allows me to do whatever basically), and somehow at chapter 9 something just stirred in me and helped me reevaluate my most singular life passion: To be able to play my part in a resurgence of the explicit gospel of Jesus Christ. Resurgence being the word for a particular reason while also seeing and being greatly encouraged by many many faithful men and women living and breathing it as I type this. I'm grateful for my first mentor who loved the gospel so much that he preached it every single sermon, talked of it in tons of conversations (a lot of fun dating convos haha) and I could always tell he was thinking about it by that look in his eye. I've been blessed with an apartment-mate who not only loves the gospel but has ANGST to see its power manifested. I'm excited and hopeful that our generation of young people would be obsessed, enamored, and deeply satisfied by the beauty of the explicit gospel of Jesus. Not a system, not a particular camp of theology, but simply the person and work of Jesus. This is what excites me more than anything else and I'm excited to see that my burning for it is making me see the urgent need for it right before my eyes everyday. I've always known it and felt it a lil, but it's getting stronger and I feel it pushing me to where, by grace, I'll be able to say with Jeremiah (Jer. 20:9):
If I say, “I will not mention him,
or speak any more in his name,”
there is in my heart as it were a burning fire
shut up in my bones,
and I am weary with holding it in,
and I cannot.
This campus here at baylor, each time I go to the SLC, the library, the business building, the CUB, it's slowly pressing in even more each day ... that people not only need the gospel, but that the harvest really is ready and the workers really are few. I've confessed over the past couple of weeks that I don't give people enough credit in thinking that they don't want this gospel, this Jesus, this God. But I'm compelled a tad bit more each day that they're just waiting and almost pleading for someone to tell em.
I've always somewhat run from the call to pastoral ministry, particularly the ministry of preaching. I'm a preachy guy but when it came to it, I'd shy away and pretend that the business major I'm in would actually be in my long term plans. But this year, I've been freed to at least be able to answer honestly to the question "What are your plans after college?" with "I'm planning on going to seminary and becoming a pastor." It's freeing to not have to shy away from that and being 100% confirmed in that. I'll have my days where I begin to doubt but God willing, I don't think I'd be satisfied doing anything else. So I'm reminded today, and reinvigorated with that passion that I had seemed to have lost the past semester with a question from Paul. I want to dedicate my life to this and consider my life itself as nothing if only I may gain Christ. He's too true to chase anything or anyone else.
"How then will they call on him in whom they have not believed? And how are they to believe in him of whom they have never heard? And how are they to hear without someone preaching? And how are they to preach unless they are sent? As it is written, “How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the good news!” But they have not all obeyed the gospel. For Isaiah says, “Lord, who has believed what he has heard from us?” So faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the word of Christ."
-Romans 10:14-17
I'm begging you brothers and sisters, let us partner in this gospel together. It's powerful beyond measure. It's freedom for the captives. It's life to the full. Can't believe he entrusts the ministry of reconciliation to continual screw ups. Maybe it's to "show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us" (2 Corinthians 4:7). Thank You Jesus. You've won my heart and there's no turning back. Your love keeps me. To the praise of His glorious grace.
-Jon
Prayer request for my life: "[Jesus] we proclaim, warning everyone and teaching everyone with all wisdom, that we may present everyone mature in Christ. For this I toil, struggling with all his energy that he powerfully works within me" (Colossians 1:28-29).
Today I was reading Ezra at work today (my job allows me to do whatever basically), and somehow at chapter 9 something just stirred in me and helped me reevaluate my most singular life passion: To be able to play my part in a resurgence of the explicit gospel of Jesus Christ. Resurgence being the word for a particular reason while also seeing and being greatly encouraged by many many faithful men and women living and breathing it as I type this. I'm grateful for my first mentor who loved the gospel so much that he preached it every single sermon, talked of it in tons of conversations (a lot of fun dating convos haha) and I could always tell he was thinking about it by that look in his eye. I've been blessed with an apartment-mate who not only loves the gospel but has ANGST to see its power manifested. I'm excited and hopeful that our generation of young people would be obsessed, enamored, and deeply satisfied by the beauty of the explicit gospel of Jesus. Not a system, not a particular camp of theology, but simply the person and work of Jesus. This is what excites me more than anything else and I'm excited to see that my burning for it is making me see the urgent need for it right before my eyes everyday. I've always known it and felt it a lil, but it's getting stronger and I feel it pushing me to where, by grace, I'll be able to say with Jeremiah (Jer. 20:9):
If I say, “I will not mention him,
or speak any more in his name,”
there is in my heart as it were a burning fire
shut up in my bones,
and I am weary with holding it in,
and I cannot.
This campus here at baylor, each time I go to the SLC, the library, the business building, the CUB, it's slowly pressing in even more each day ... that people not only need the gospel, but that the harvest really is ready and the workers really are few. I've confessed over the past couple of weeks that I don't give people enough credit in thinking that they don't want this gospel, this Jesus, this God. But I'm compelled a tad bit more each day that they're just waiting and almost pleading for someone to tell em.
I've always somewhat run from the call to pastoral ministry, particularly the ministry of preaching. I'm a preachy guy but when it came to it, I'd shy away and pretend that the business major I'm in would actually be in my long term plans. But this year, I've been freed to at least be able to answer honestly to the question "What are your plans after college?" with "I'm planning on going to seminary and becoming a pastor." It's freeing to not have to shy away from that and being 100% confirmed in that. I'll have my days where I begin to doubt but God willing, I don't think I'd be satisfied doing anything else. So I'm reminded today, and reinvigorated with that passion that I had seemed to have lost the past semester with a question from Paul. I want to dedicate my life to this and consider my life itself as nothing if only I may gain Christ. He's too true to chase anything or anyone else.
"How then will they call on him in whom they have not believed? And how are they to believe in him of whom they have never heard? And how are they to hear without someone preaching? And how are they to preach unless they are sent? As it is written, “How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the good news!” But they have not all obeyed the gospel. For Isaiah says, “Lord, who has believed what he has heard from us?” So faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the word of Christ."
-Romans 10:14-17
I'm begging you brothers and sisters, let us partner in this gospel together. It's powerful beyond measure. It's freedom for the captives. It's life to the full. Can't believe he entrusts the ministry of reconciliation to continual screw ups. Maybe it's to "show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us" (2 Corinthians 4:7). Thank You Jesus. You've won my heart and there's no turning back. Your love keeps me. To the praise of His glorious grace.
-Jon
Prayer request for my life: "[Jesus] we proclaim, warning everyone and teaching everyone with all wisdom, that we may present everyone mature in Christ. For this I toil, struggling with all his energy that he powerfully works within me" (Colossians 1:28-29).
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Feeling Cheated Vent ... ?
I find myself asking "why?" to God a lot nowadays. If I'm honest I feel cheated of a lot of things that I not only really really want, but things that I think would grow me. Seeing a lot of my friends get to do all the things I wish I could and constantly having doors shut has taken its toll on me. At first I was okay with it all but year after year, summer after summer, school, school, school. I don't think there's been a time I can remember where I was like "I am angry with You God" and I don't know that this is one of them but I can tell you for sure that I'm frustrated. I think through it all, idolatry is being exposed more and more each day and the teaching that I would always preach to others is now teaching me: "God owes you nothing. Nothing at all. Everything is grace. He owes you nothing." I still feel cheated. I'm straight with my theology. I'm keeping my emotions in check. But all the while, there is this wrestling in me that is frankly frustrated. And in the end, I think I fear that the past will repeat itself again.
And this is where some of the "secret" sins in my heart start to get exposed. Where despite all the teaching I love, rests these thoughts that I didn't know was there ... That I didn't want to know was there. I feel like I've been a humble guy. If that makes me proud, it's because it's true. I care a crapload of what people think and even as I walk the campus, sometimes I wish people would look at me and admire me. I feel like I've done a lot of dying to self in college and service that no one else sees and a large part of me craves the attention. It craves it. I want recognition. I want applause. I want people to say good things of me. And you can Christianize the language of humility all you want and make you look real good. I'm aware of how manipulative I can be. If I say this, talk enough about this, do this, people will really start to think I'm a humble, Godly man. In all honesty, I find myself afraid if I do this. I don't go into things thinking this way butboy, do I know how it could be done.
Out comes my resume ... small group coordinator, exec team leader, the only one of my close friends who stuck through all of college with AFC, the guy with an opinion that people respect, the guy who's been a leader in ministry for 6 straight years, the guy who goes to and spends time in all the events, working at AWANA, helping out at his home church's events, the guy people get advice from, while all at the same time studying his bible, etc. And maybe if I'm honest to myself, I thought that these things somehow ... earned favor with God. And I hate using those specific words because I remember constantly saying to my hearers that no work of our hands can do that ... That to live under that system would make the cross dispensable. I know this theologically and historically yet here I am ... Thinking that somehow, God was supposed to give me this and give me that, provide me with this, and open up doors here because of what I did there. And it's ironic. The talk from the text of Romans 1:18-25 I will give in about 2 weeks is probably going to teach me and read me more than I think it will read "them." Boy do I need grace. I can't believe I started to think that all my "humble service" was supposed to do this and do that for me. What manipulation. What ignorance ... to think i could fool the God who created me and my mind. But ya, this is where I'm at. Having to do battle with Isaiah 64 and a number of texts that show the complete idiocy and futility of doing life this way. I've heard verse 6 so much yet here it is reading me tonight. I don't like this. I wish I didn't have to think about this and repent of my sin. I wish sometimes that this whole thing wouldn't matter to me anymore ... That it didn't win my heart and start to bring to surface the wickedness of my heart. And it's all permeated with irony. I think this is where I was going with the talk/testimony/sermon I'll be giving in 2 weeks. Romans 1:18-25. All my righteous deeds as filthy rags ... That before God, my resume shows more of my filth and depravity than it does my goodness. Thank God for God. Praise His name for sending Jesus to save scribes and pharisees like me. Praise His name for dining with them too.
I'm thankful for the "it is finished"-ness of the cross. Jesus, sometimes when my flesh starts to rise up, I want to ditch this following You thing. I want to give up. It'd be so much easier. I wouldn't have to think about life and hard things. I wouldn't have to wrestle with this whole "dying to self" thing. I wouldn't have to submit to Your lordship and authority. I could just live my life with me at the throne and me choosing what's true and best. I could do whatever I wanted. I wouldn't have to care about any of this "To Your name be the glory" stuff. I could spend my whole life on me. Yet, in spite of all these things, maybe Philippians 1:6 can bring me comfort tonight. Maybe despite my tendency to wander, You're keeping me as your son could win out. I'm a more broken guy than I want to believe. You know this. I'm asking that that gospel, that good news would undo me and sink me and bring me low. I need it. I need that blood-dripped cross. I'm such an ignorant sheep that wants to think he's got it together. Thank You for this process of sanctification. Thank You for loving me. Thank You for how You love me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation o God and uphold me with a willing spirit. May the weight of the gospel crush my pathetic, puny excuse of a resume. I need that grace, that cross to speak over me. I need You Jesus. Keep saving me. I'm a mess. Don't let my pride win out.
(It's weird but I didn't know this stuff was in my heart and as free as I thought the gospel was making me, I feel reluctant to post some of this. I started to think "what will so and so think if they read it?" and "no one would read this long crap anyway" but who knows. I started to question "man this is so loosely written ... just with no filter and I don't think I'd enjoy rereading it in the future" but I don't know right now that I have anything to lose. So if you read this, know that I'm a broken sinner. I've got things in my past that I didn't even know still wound me today. I still need the gospel of Jesus Christ to save me from myself. I need prayer too. I love you and hope the gospel wrecks you too.)
-Jon
And this is where some of the "secret" sins in my heart start to get exposed. Where despite all the teaching I love, rests these thoughts that I didn't know was there ... That I didn't want to know was there. I feel like I've been a humble guy. If that makes me proud, it's because it's true. I care a crapload of what people think and even as I walk the campus, sometimes I wish people would look at me and admire me. I feel like I've done a lot of dying to self in college and service that no one else sees and a large part of me craves the attention. It craves it. I want recognition. I want applause. I want people to say good things of me. And you can Christianize the language of humility all you want and make you look real good. I'm aware of how manipulative I can be. If I say this, talk enough about this, do this, people will really start to think I'm a humble, Godly man. In all honesty, I find myself afraid if I do this. I don't go into things thinking this way butboy, do I know how it could be done.
Out comes my resume ... small group coordinator, exec team leader, the only one of my close friends who stuck through all of college with AFC, the guy with an opinion that people respect, the guy who's been a leader in ministry for 6 straight years, the guy who goes to and spends time in all the events, working at AWANA, helping out at his home church's events, the guy people get advice from, while all at the same time studying his bible, etc. And maybe if I'm honest to myself, I thought that these things somehow ... earned favor with God. And I hate using those specific words because I remember constantly saying to my hearers that no work of our hands can do that ... That to live under that system would make the cross dispensable. I know this theologically and historically yet here I am ... Thinking that somehow, God was supposed to give me this and give me that, provide me with this, and open up doors here because of what I did there. And it's ironic. The talk from the text of Romans 1:18-25 I will give in about 2 weeks is probably going to teach me and read me more than I think it will read "them." Boy do I need grace. I can't believe I started to think that all my "humble service" was supposed to do this and do that for me. What manipulation. What ignorance ... to think i could fool the God who created me and my mind. But ya, this is where I'm at. Having to do battle with Isaiah 64 and a number of texts that show the complete idiocy and futility of doing life this way. I've heard verse 6 so much yet here it is reading me tonight. I don't like this. I wish I didn't have to think about this and repent of my sin. I wish sometimes that this whole thing wouldn't matter to me anymore ... That it didn't win my heart and start to bring to surface the wickedness of my heart. And it's all permeated with irony. I think this is where I was going with the talk/testimony/sermon I'll be giving in 2 weeks. Romans 1:18-25. All my righteous deeds as filthy rags ... That before God, my resume shows more of my filth and depravity than it does my goodness. Thank God for God. Praise His name for sending Jesus to save scribes and pharisees like me. Praise His name for dining with them too.
I'm thankful for the "it is finished"-ness of the cross. Jesus, sometimes when my flesh starts to rise up, I want to ditch this following You thing. I want to give up. It'd be so much easier. I wouldn't have to think about life and hard things. I wouldn't have to wrestle with this whole "dying to self" thing. I wouldn't have to submit to Your lordship and authority. I could just live my life with me at the throne and me choosing what's true and best. I could do whatever I wanted. I wouldn't have to care about any of this "To Your name be the glory" stuff. I could spend my whole life on me. Yet, in spite of all these things, maybe Philippians 1:6 can bring me comfort tonight. Maybe despite my tendency to wander, You're keeping me as your son could win out. I'm a more broken guy than I want to believe. You know this. I'm asking that that gospel, that good news would undo me and sink me and bring me low. I need it. I need that blood-dripped cross. I'm such an ignorant sheep that wants to think he's got it together. Thank You for this process of sanctification. Thank You for loving me. Thank You for how You love me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation o God and uphold me with a willing spirit. May the weight of the gospel crush my pathetic, puny excuse of a resume. I need that grace, that cross to speak over me. I need You Jesus. Keep saving me. I'm a mess. Don't let my pride win out.
(It's weird but I didn't know this stuff was in my heart and as free as I thought the gospel was making me, I feel reluctant to post some of this. I started to think "what will so and so think if they read it?" and "no one would read this long crap anyway" but who knows. I started to question "man this is so loosely written ... just with no filter and I don't think I'd enjoy rereading it in the future" but I don't know right now that I have anything to lose. So if you read this, know that I'm a broken sinner. I've got things in my past that I didn't even know still wound me today. I still need the gospel of Jesus Christ to save me from myself. I need prayer too. I love you and hope the gospel wrecks you too.)
-Jon
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Hardest thing for me so far in college.
The hardest thing for me so far in college (or maybe top 3) is one that I want to overlook ... Knowing that, God willing, I'll be doing seminary post-grad, and headed toward full time ministry ... while doing it all within a business major. There's so much angst I could type with the struggle and tension. I know I'm not the first who've taken this route but it's just hard to do the work necessary. I just need a sliver of life in these classes ... just one ounce will do ... that'll give me the energy to persevere ... cuz right now I don't want to do this at all. I haven't wanted to for 3 years.
I'm inclined to think my pride is blinding me from seeing that it's there already.
I'm inclined to think my pride is blinding me from seeing that it's there already.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
The struggle.
What a title right? ya, sorry. Don't mean to sound extra dramatic but this is in fact, a struggle.
The daily process of growing into a man involves the process of becoming like a child (Hear me though ... Not acting childish but becoming child-like).
It's a struggle for guys, for me, to not just cognitively know the biblical truth, but to actually believe and strive towards obedience in that biblical truth. My flesh wants nothing to do with this mess. Die to self? Yes, I'll agree on that principle. Walking in it?!? Heck no.
These past 2 weeks have been a stretch. To be honest, I don't know that I can even decipher what's going on anymore. I'm trying with all the vitality in me to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus, His cross, and His mission, yet if I'm gonna give an objective outlook on these past two weeks, it'd look like the following:Not extended grace - check+. Saw the speck while neglected the log-check+. thinking I'm right no matter what-duh. Abandoned the love I had at first- check. Ironic how God in His sovereignty uses His Bible to teach:
“To the angel of the church in Ephesus write: ‘The words of him who holds the seven stars in his right hand, who walks among the seven golden lampstands.
“‘I know your works, your toil and your patient endurance, and how you cannot bear with those who are evil, but have tested those who call themselves apostles and are not, and found them to be false. I know you are enduring patiently and bearing up for my name's sake, and you have not grown weary. But I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first. Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent, and do the works you did at first. If not, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place, unless you repent. Yet this you have: you hate the works of the Nicolaitans, which I also hate. He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To the one who conquers I will grant to eat of the tree of life, which is in the paradise of God.’-Revelation 2:1-7
I just wanna get back to being the Jon who knew nothing and didn't feel an identity crisis because he didn't. I wanna get back to being the Jon who recognized that He had absolutely no hope outside of Christ. NONE! His posture was one on his knees, and his face was not a pretty site because of the tears of crying out for help, for rescue. He knew how utterly dependent He was on God to come through. He recognized that there was no life without Him. When was the last time my prayer sounded like the woman who acknowledged God's justice, yet cried out: “Yes, Lord, yet even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their masters' table” (Matt. 15:27)? or the blind beggar who in the midst of a crowd that's telling him to shut up cries all the louder: "Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!" Where's that dependence a child has for his parents to provide food? That if they don't come through, He's a goner? Where is that freedom in confessing my absolute inadequacy and crying out for help?
Have I forgotten it altogether? Where is it? Have I really programmed in my mind that I'm past that? That the posture of the lame, the leper, the blind beggar ... that it's just elementary?
I'm not saying that I've lost the gospel altogether or haven't been walking with Christ. There have been rich, rich moments this past week where the presence of God has just overwhelmed me, despite the seeming chaos of the college life. And I can honestly say that I will go to the grave for the preservation of sound doctrine but I'm not talking about that here. I'm talking about posture. I just want to get back to the love I had at first. I always look back on my walk as a Christian and think "that Jon is a douche that needs to get punched" but I think I've neglected the moments of 16 year old Jon just crying for God to break him down if that's what it'd take for Him to recognize that He needed Him, needed a Savior. I want to get back there. Not taking steps back in faith by being childish, but steps forward in becoming child-like.
God, forgive me. There is much sin in this sinner. It doesn't come from nowhere. My heart's just wicked. It needs You to save it from itself. I need You to save me from myself. I have a lot of opinions, a lot of suggestions and preferences. And I think a lot of them are infallible. God, you know my heart. You know that I'm doing all that I can to not compromise the gospel ... To guard the good deposit well. But you also know how much filth is in it too. I think it's a scary thing that You know my heart but than I do because from what I know and see, it's gross. I ask you to expose sin that I can't see and You have been faithful. Sometimes I wish my prayers wouldn't be answered. God, you know all the darkness in the corners. You see past my walls, my fortified defenses. You see past my cheap attempts of theological manipulation. You see past a mouth that professes and a heart that's far from. You see it all. I think the crazy thing that the cry for justice in me doesn't want sometimes ... is that Your response is the sending of Your son to endure a punishment and penalty and shame that I should. Praise Your name that Your love overcomes my cry for justice. That grace beats out sin. That the power of the Gospel beats out my pride. I still can't get over the fact that You know everything about me and yet choose to pursue me at great cost of Your son. That not only do You do this, but You do it with a patience that I have no clue about. I am so prone to wander. So quick a transition it is to be in that posture of worship, to bask in the love of Christ, and then to one of childish, senseless rebellion. Forgive me for the anger in my heart at You? My frustration, my ungodly angst. I deserve no love. I deserve justice. But I can't ignore your Bible that says that there is no condemnation ... That there is no wrath. Thank You that in the midst of all my confusion and wandering, there is a solid, historical grounds for my hope. Thank You for the cross. Thank You for raising for my justification. My heart is so bent on justifying my sin, yet You became sin on my behalf. Help me believe that I'm loved on no merit of my own at all. Help me believe that grace is enough. I don't trust that You're a better provider and shepherd than I am sometimes. My baggage wont let me believe that You really do hold the universe together by the word of Your power. I'm scared. I'm scared sometimes that the futile plans of Satan will prevail, that Your church may crumble. I know and try my hardest to believe that the gates of hades will not prevail against Your bride but I can't seem to. Help me with my unbelief Father! Help me! I've got nothing without the power of the gospel. I can't save anyone. I couldn't even save myself. Yet, Jesus, you refused to save yourself on the cross for the joy set before you ... to save MANY. That's who You are. This is me just trying to put into words how short I fall from the glory of God. How sin-sick I am. I know You know everything I'm saying before I even write this, but maybe You're trying to teach me something Father. I don't know. I guess my cry is just that You'd help me. I want to be Your child, wrapped in Your arms. I want to be a man.
Here's for the 100th blogpost of my Baylor years. Hear my cry Father.
-Jon
The daily process of growing into a man involves the process of becoming like a child (Hear me though ... Not acting childish but becoming child-like).
It's a struggle for guys, for me, to not just cognitively know the biblical truth, but to actually believe and strive towards obedience in that biblical truth. My flesh wants nothing to do with this mess. Die to self? Yes, I'll agree on that principle. Walking in it?!? Heck no.
These past 2 weeks have been a stretch. To be honest, I don't know that I can even decipher what's going on anymore. I'm trying with all the vitality in me to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus, His cross, and His mission, yet if I'm gonna give an objective outlook on these past two weeks, it'd look like the following:Not extended grace - check+. Saw the speck while neglected the log-check+. thinking I'm right no matter what-duh. Abandoned the love I had at first- check. Ironic how God in His sovereignty uses His Bible to teach:
“To the angel of the church in Ephesus write: ‘The words of him who holds the seven stars in his right hand, who walks among the seven golden lampstands.
“‘I know your works, your toil and your patient endurance, and how you cannot bear with those who are evil, but have tested those who call themselves apostles and are not, and found them to be false. I know you are enduring patiently and bearing up for my name's sake, and you have not grown weary. But I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first. Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent, and do the works you did at first. If not, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place, unless you repent. Yet this you have: you hate the works of the Nicolaitans, which I also hate. He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To the one who conquers I will grant to eat of the tree of life, which is in the paradise of God.’-Revelation 2:1-7
I just wanna get back to being the Jon who knew nothing and didn't feel an identity crisis because he didn't. I wanna get back to being the Jon who recognized that He had absolutely no hope outside of Christ. NONE! His posture was one on his knees, and his face was not a pretty site because of the tears of crying out for help, for rescue. He knew how utterly dependent He was on God to come through. He recognized that there was no life without Him. When was the last time my prayer sounded like the woman who acknowledged God's justice, yet cried out: “Yes, Lord, yet even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their masters' table” (Matt. 15:27)? or the blind beggar who in the midst of a crowd that's telling him to shut up cries all the louder: "Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!" Where's that dependence a child has for his parents to provide food? That if they don't come through, He's a goner? Where is that freedom in confessing my absolute inadequacy and crying out for help?
Have I forgotten it altogether? Where is it? Have I really programmed in my mind that I'm past that? That the posture of the lame, the leper, the blind beggar ... that it's just elementary?
I'm not saying that I've lost the gospel altogether or haven't been walking with Christ. There have been rich, rich moments this past week where the presence of God has just overwhelmed me, despite the seeming chaos of the college life. And I can honestly say that I will go to the grave for the preservation of sound doctrine but I'm not talking about that here. I'm talking about posture. I just want to get back to the love I had at first. I always look back on my walk as a Christian and think "that Jon is a douche that needs to get punched" but I think I've neglected the moments of 16 year old Jon just crying for God to break him down if that's what it'd take for Him to recognize that He needed Him, needed a Savior. I want to get back there. Not taking steps back in faith by being childish, but steps forward in becoming child-like.
God, forgive me. There is much sin in this sinner. It doesn't come from nowhere. My heart's just wicked. It needs You to save it from itself. I need You to save me from myself. I have a lot of opinions, a lot of suggestions and preferences. And I think a lot of them are infallible. God, you know my heart. You know that I'm doing all that I can to not compromise the gospel ... To guard the good deposit well. But you also know how much filth is in it too. I think it's a scary thing that You know my heart but than I do because from what I know and see, it's gross. I ask you to expose sin that I can't see and You have been faithful. Sometimes I wish my prayers wouldn't be answered. God, you know all the darkness in the corners. You see past my walls, my fortified defenses. You see past my cheap attempts of theological manipulation. You see past a mouth that professes and a heart that's far from. You see it all. I think the crazy thing that the cry for justice in me doesn't want sometimes ... is that Your response is the sending of Your son to endure a punishment and penalty and shame that I should. Praise Your name that Your love overcomes my cry for justice. That grace beats out sin. That the power of the Gospel beats out my pride. I still can't get over the fact that You know everything about me and yet choose to pursue me at great cost of Your son. That not only do You do this, but You do it with a patience that I have no clue about. I am so prone to wander. So quick a transition it is to be in that posture of worship, to bask in the love of Christ, and then to one of childish, senseless rebellion. Forgive me for the anger in my heart at You? My frustration, my ungodly angst. I deserve no love. I deserve justice. But I can't ignore your Bible that says that there is no condemnation ... That there is no wrath. Thank You that in the midst of all my confusion and wandering, there is a solid, historical grounds for my hope. Thank You for the cross. Thank You for raising for my justification. My heart is so bent on justifying my sin, yet You became sin on my behalf. Help me believe that I'm loved on no merit of my own at all. Help me believe that grace is enough. I don't trust that You're a better provider and shepherd than I am sometimes. My baggage wont let me believe that You really do hold the universe together by the word of Your power. I'm scared. I'm scared sometimes that the futile plans of Satan will prevail, that Your church may crumble. I know and try my hardest to believe that the gates of hades will not prevail against Your bride but I can't seem to. Help me with my unbelief Father! Help me! I've got nothing without the power of the gospel. I can't save anyone. I couldn't even save myself. Yet, Jesus, you refused to save yourself on the cross for the joy set before you ... to save MANY. That's who You are. This is me just trying to put into words how short I fall from the glory of God. How sin-sick I am. I know You know everything I'm saying before I even write this, but maybe You're trying to teach me something Father. I don't know. I guess my cry is just that You'd help me. I want to be Your child, wrapped in Your arms. I want to be a man.
Here's for the 100th blogpost of my Baylor years. Hear my cry Father.
-Jon
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Invisible Children and a guy named Tony.
[I've started to do my own journal and decided that I think I need this to be put out there for the public. So if it's different in any way, It's because it's raw in that it was not edited for the sake of guarding from emotion. But this is my heart ... As honest as it can possibly be. Jesus ... save(s).]
So I just got back from a screening from “Invisible Children,” a documentary film of how the country of Uganda is suffering from oppression of a terrorist group known as the LRA, and how a dream and vision birthed from Americans to set the oppressed free. I’ve never been to an event before until today and I was very glad that I did. Tony’s prayer request: “a better life” and “my brother david” who’s just starting high school back in Uganda. Man, I should have prayed with him.
My heart feels heavy. I guess I could sum it up as this:
In the end, is our resolve and success based on the freedom of those people and the meeting of their immediate needs of food, water, protection from an oppressive group? If we get all those things accomplished, is the mission a success? Do we find our most longing joy fulfilled in such?
So … What about the gospel? What about the message of Christianity? Jesus Christ, the God-man, taking on flesh, entering into our dirt and mess and proclaiming through word of mouth and deed that God is the greatest news of the universe? Was it not the claims of scripture that said “He who does not have the son, does not have life?” I mean, is shalom, shalom, if God isn’t there? If we got every injustice ended, every bit of oppression solved, every mouth on the planet of the earth fed, every woman sold into sex trafficking freed, every hope and dream realized, every fantasy of our ambition … but are not in relationship with the God of the universe … Have not been reconciled to Him, do not know of Jesus Christ … are we at a point where we still count that as success? As a win? As life?
I think John Piper said it best … (Paraphrase): Would heaven still be heaven if we got all [such things] and God were not there?
I’m scared. My heart is heavy. In the end, our solution to truly horrific, dark places isn’t Jesus. It isn’t the cross of Christ which has purchased at great cost of God’s only son, to be his son’s and daughters. It isn’t the blood soaked cross that has paid the debt we cannot repay. It isn’t the resurrection of ourselves from death to life, in light of the perfect man’s death and resurrection. If our solution tells nothing of our condition as sinners needing help AND having found one in Jesus, then what are we doing as Christians? I’m scared to say … If all these things, all that Christ did for us on that good Friday, if the resurrection on Sunday isn’t real and our solution to the true chaos and madness of this world, we’ve lost Christianity. We’re not Christians anymore and should stop bearing the title.
Father, help me. I’m not even sure if I’m sinning by typing this. I can honestly say my heart right now is not angry. It is frustrated though. I just don’t want to see my friends go down this route. It’s a trend. And they don’t see it. I mean, I know the hurt too. I walk in it daily. I see it. I hear it. I’m not downplaying the legitimate, absolute darkness of some parts of the world. All I’m pleading for is that we’d believe that the good news of Jesus Christ … The spotless lamb, dying the death we should have, bearing the title of “guilty” that we should have … I’m pleading we’d know that this is more than enough for our deepest aches and longings for a solution. Jesus, let your message be heralded with a faith that is so confident in the power of the message. I’m scared for my age group. I’m scared that we’re turning from thinking that You even care, and that You love us. Save us from ourselves and the futility of the twisted, confused parts of our mind. We need You. I need Your gospel to win my heart everyday. If not for that substitutionary, wrath-absorbing, sin-conquering death, I’ve got absolutely no hope. Even if I dedicate my life to a good cause and see great triumphs and feel great happiness from being a part of a reconciling mission … If I don’t know the message of Your reconciling the world to Yourself through the death of Your son, then I don’t have anything and I’m a guy most to be pitied for having walked in this for 7 years. God help us. Help me. Do not let me despair for I know that You finish what You start. So maybe, I’m just asking tonight … that You’d help me with my unbelief … with the fear that Christianity, and your church are losing it for good. Help me believe You’re stronger than that … That you take care of your sheep and love them enough to bring them back from the dark. From this whole experience, drive me more on mission, create in my heart a deep, deep passion to herald the greatest news of the universe. We all need it. Especially those who’ve grown up in the language. Be mighty, my God. Save.
May Tony, and his brother, David, come to know You God, the Creator of the universe. Forgive me for my lack of faith in not sharing it with him tonight. I hate my unbelief, my weakness. Ah, God, would you save and fix and repair and heal the horrific things of this world that we are helpless to change? Would You do it? Draw many to yourself Father, through aches and pains if necessary. We need You more than we can fathom. Jesus be a reality and a treasure to Tony and his brother and for Invisible Children. Be a real, true, beautiful treasure to this sinner too. I need You. That’s as much as I know. Help me. For my joy, and Your glory I ask these things. Blessed Be Your name, Jesus. Amen.
-Moody Lobby, 3/17/11, 8:57pm.
... Random insert: "Still he seeks the fellowship of his people, and sends them both sorrow and joys in order to detach their love from other things and attach it to himself"
-J.I. Packer
So I just got back from a screening from “Invisible Children,” a documentary film of how the country of Uganda is suffering from oppression of a terrorist group known as the LRA, and how a dream and vision birthed from Americans to set the oppressed free. I’ve never been to an event before until today and I was very glad that I did. Tony’s prayer request: “a better life” and “my brother david” who’s just starting high school back in Uganda. Man, I should have prayed with him.
My heart feels heavy. I guess I could sum it up as this:
In the end, is our resolve and success based on the freedom of those people and the meeting of their immediate needs of food, water, protection from an oppressive group? If we get all those things accomplished, is the mission a success? Do we find our most longing joy fulfilled in such?
So … What about the gospel? What about the message of Christianity? Jesus Christ, the God-man, taking on flesh, entering into our dirt and mess and proclaiming through word of mouth and deed that God is the greatest news of the universe? Was it not the claims of scripture that said “He who does not have the son, does not have life?” I mean, is shalom, shalom, if God isn’t there? If we got every injustice ended, every bit of oppression solved, every mouth on the planet of the earth fed, every woman sold into sex trafficking freed, every hope and dream realized, every fantasy of our ambition … but are not in relationship with the God of the universe … Have not been reconciled to Him, do not know of Jesus Christ … are we at a point where we still count that as success? As a win? As life?
I think John Piper said it best … (Paraphrase): Would heaven still be heaven if we got all [such things] and God were not there?
I’m scared. My heart is heavy. In the end, our solution to truly horrific, dark places isn’t Jesus. It isn’t the cross of Christ which has purchased at great cost of God’s only son, to be his son’s and daughters. It isn’t the blood soaked cross that has paid the debt we cannot repay. It isn’t the resurrection of ourselves from death to life, in light of the perfect man’s death and resurrection. If our solution tells nothing of our condition as sinners needing help AND having found one in Jesus, then what are we doing as Christians? I’m scared to say … If all these things, all that Christ did for us on that good Friday, if the resurrection on Sunday isn’t real and our solution to the true chaos and madness of this world, we’ve lost Christianity. We’re not Christians anymore and should stop bearing the title.
Father, help me. I’m not even sure if I’m sinning by typing this. I can honestly say my heart right now is not angry. It is frustrated though. I just don’t want to see my friends go down this route. It’s a trend. And they don’t see it. I mean, I know the hurt too. I walk in it daily. I see it. I hear it. I’m not downplaying the legitimate, absolute darkness of some parts of the world. All I’m pleading for is that we’d believe that the good news of Jesus Christ … The spotless lamb, dying the death we should have, bearing the title of “guilty” that we should have … I’m pleading we’d know that this is more than enough for our deepest aches and longings for a solution. Jesus, let your message be heralded with a faith that is so confident in the power of the message. I’m scared for my age group. I’m scared that we’re turning from thinking that You even care, and that You love us. Save us from ourselves and the futility of the twisted, confused parts of our mind. We need You. I need Your gospel to win my heart everyday. If not for that substitutionary, wrath-absorbing, sin-conquering death, I’ve got absolutely no hope. Even if I dedicate my life to a good cause and see great triumphs and feel great happiness from being a part of a reconciling mission … If I don’t know the message of Your reconciling the world to Yourself through the death of Your son, then I don’t have anything and I’m a guy most to be pitied for having walked in this for 7 years. God help us. Help me. Do not let me despair for I know that You finish what You start. So maybe, I’m just asking tonight … that You’d help me with my unbelief … with the fear that Christianity, and your church are losing it for good. Help me believe You’re stronger than that … That you take care of your sheep and love them enough to bring them back from the dark. From this whole experience, drive me more on mission, create in my heart a deep, deep passion to herald the greatest news of the universe. We all need it. Especially those who’ve grown up in the language. Be mighty, my God. Save.
May Tony, and his brother, David, come to know You God, the Creator of the universe. Forgive me for my lack of faith in not sharing it with him tonight. I hate my unbelief, my weakness. Ah, God, would you save and fix and repair and heal the horrific things of this world that we are helpless to change? Would You do it? Draw many to yourself Father, through aches and pains if necessary. We need You more than we can fathom. Jesus be a reality and a treasure to Tony and his brother and for Invisible Children. Be a real, true, beautiful treasure to this sinner too. I need You. That’s as much as I know. Help me. For my joy, and Your glory I ask these things. Blessed Be Your name, Jesus. Amen.
-Moody Lobby, 3/17/11, 8:57pm.
... Random insert: "Still he seeks the fellowship of his people, and sends them both sorrow and joys in order to detach their love from other things and attach it to himself"
-J.I. Packer
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
"Jesus and John" by Lisa Gungor
This just feels like an appropriate song to post at an appropriate time. Dont know what else to say.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
I don't care.
It pains me to face the reality that I honestly don't care for a ton of things that the God of the scriptures does care a ton about. As compassionate and caring as I thought I was, I find my heart like stone when it comes to certain people and things and I don't like it. I don't want to be okay with this. I hate that I don't even care.
Father, as much as the gospel has and is transforming me, I pray that You would stir my heart with an even greater yearning to see and be part of You reconciling all things to Yourself.
Father, as much as the gospel has and is transforming me, I pray that You would stir my heart with an even greater yearning to see and be part of You reconciling all things to Yourself.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Love
Oh, how He loves.
emphasis on the how.
I can't believe that the God who spoke the earth into being is jealous for me.
emphasis on the how.
I can't believe that the God who spoke the earth into being is jealous for me.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
The cure ... from then to now till His returning.
The more I realize how much of a work in progress I am, the more I'm comforted by scripture in knowing that I'm growing.
The more I realize that I'm not as good as I want to be, that I'm not as mature as I think I am, that I'm not as holy as I should be, the more I realize that I haven't arrived yet ... That I need Jesus just as much as "this guy" or "that girl" the more I'm comforted at the end of the day that I'm making progress, that He's still not letting go. I'm beginning to distrust my own mind and heart and it's funny because theologically I knew this is what I was supposed to pursue ... correction by the word of Christ ... Yet I rather like my ideas and opinions. I love giving my suggestions. But in the end, they're not at all that impressive ... even if they can fool a few. God, you see right through me. Jesus you expose me. I don't like it most of the time. Matter of fact I often hate that about You if I'm honest, but right now, I thank You ... That You will not compromise Your glory, that You refuse to make your cross dispensable. I need it. My eyes have wandered into foolish pursuits. Keep me standing in this good deposit entrusted. I need your help to correct my thinking, my opinions, my ambitions, my heart. Purify it. This pride is too rampant and You're the only one able to cure this.
Jesus, you have won me over. You were the remedy and You are the remedy. Be my goal till I die and and we see face to face.
-Been going through the sermon on the mount and stumbled upon this cross reference while reading Matthew 5:8 ("Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God."):
[The River of Life]
"Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, bright as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb through the middle of the street of the city; also, on either side of the river, the tree of life with its twelve kinds of fruit, yielding its fruit each month. The leaves of the tree were for the healing of the nations. No longer will there be anything accursed, but the throne of God and of the Lamb will be in it, and his servants will worship him. They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads. And night will be no more. They will need no light of lamp or sun, for the Lord God will be their light, and they will reign forever and ever."
-Revelation 22:1-5
Beautiful. Can't wait. Oh the implications for ... now. Time to get to work.
The more I realize that I'm not as good as I want to be, that I'm not as mature as I think I am, that I'm not as holy as I should be, the more I realize that I haven't arrived yet ... That I need Jesus just as much as "this guy" or "that girl" the more I'm comforted at the end of the day that I'm making progress, that He's still not letting go. I'm beginning to distrust my own mind and heart and it's funny because theologically I knew this is what I was supposed to pursue ... correction by the word of Christ ... Yet I rather like my ideas and opinions. I love giving my suggestions. But in the end, they're not at all that impressive ... even if they can fool a few. God, you see right through me. Jesus you expose me. I don't like it most of the time. Matter of fact I often hate that about You if I'm honest, but right now, I thank You ... That You will not compromise Your glory, that You refuse to make your cross dispensable. I need it. My eyes have wandered into foolish pursuits. Keep me standing in this good deposit entrusted. I need your help to correct my thinking, my opinions, my ambitions, my heart. Purify it. This pride is too rampant and You're the only one able to cure this.
Jesus, you have won me over. You were the remedy and You are the remedy. Be my goal till I die and and we see face to face.
-Been going through the sermon on the mount and stumbled upon this cross reference while reading Matthew 5:8 ("Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God."):
[The River of Life]
"Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, bright as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb through the middle of the street of the city; also, on either side of the river, the tree of life with its twelve kinds of fruit, yielding its fruit each month. The leaves of the tree were for the healing of the nations. No longer will there be anything accursed, but the throne of God and of the Lamb will be in it, and his servants will worship him. They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads. And night will be no more. They will need no light of lamp or sun, for the Lord God will be their light, and they will reign forever and ever."
-Revelation 22:1-5
Beautiful. Can't wait. Oh the implications for ... now. Time to get to work.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Main Point
"Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This Bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy."
-Homer Simpson
I'm listening to a Matt Chandler sermon as of now while putting up laundry and in it, Matt referenced a quote from the Simpsons and it was really ... profound. After Homer Simpson, ya Homer, reads the bible, he puts it down and concludes: "Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy." Sometimes I forget the main point. And sometimes those like Homer Simpson are the seemingly unlikely guys that get it. Homer nailed the main point. I want to also. "We're all a mess except this one guy." Praise Jesus.
-Homer Simpson
I'm listening to a Matt Chandler sermon as of now while putting up laundry and in it, Matt referenced a quote from the Simpsons and it was really ... profound. After Homer Simpson, ya Homer, reads the bible, he puts it down and concludes: "Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy." Sometimes I forget the main point. And sometimes those like Homer Simpson are the seemingly unlikely guys that get it. Homer nailed the main point. I want to also. "We're all a mess except this one guy." Praise Jesus.
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