AFC

I'm going to do something in this blog post I haven't done since the days of xanga. I'm going to preface by saying this could be REALLY long and follow up with a "if you're crazy/bored enough to read it all, *high five.*" I hope this is somewhat coherent ... because in some way I'm summing up a lot of my college experience at 4am in the morning.

Foreword:
I feel as if 4 and a half years isn't accurate as to how long it felt like I was in college. I loved every minute of it but it just felt lengthy haha. And any real closure with the idea of being an alumni for my life would be incomplete without where most of my energy, time, and heart went to: AFC.

I. Asians for Christ:
Simply put, AFC (Asians for Christ) is an parachurch ministry (InterVarsity) that aims to reach college students with the gospel ... more specifically Asians at Baylor, a previously unreached people group at Baylor. That's who we are and have been. The goal is to reach every Asian student at Baylor with the good news of Jesus. We most definitely are a flawed and feeble group like anyone else but God's been God through it all and we've seen friends deepen their faith, leaders developed, and some come to know Jesus for the first time and in the end, that's the whole purpose of it all ... seeing someone who previously had no idea about this Jesus guy or were antagonistic of him and his people before get to the point where they call him friend, savior, God ... and share that breakthrough with their friends too :D.

II. Why AFC?
I don't know if you the reader know this about me but I struggled throughout undergrad academically. Like seriously struggled. Like probation sophomore spring semester struggled. Like always in summer school (not to get ahead but to catch up) struggled. And at the end and nearing the beginning of every semester, my mom would advise to me something like this: "Jon, you need to prioritize your studies and think about whether AFC is taking up too much of your time and commitment." And for each time I would say something along the lines of "ehhhhh, I don't think so." I don't know why it was always automatic but I guess I wasn't more convinced of anything to be part of at college. All I know is that the second year applying for leadership, even in the interview I knew that if I said yes for the second year in a row, I was "buying in" to the whole thing till graduation. And that's how it did turn out btw :).

-I guess when considering what drew me is probably 3 things:
1) They had a need
Whenever I was an outsider looking in at AFC, I developed a burden of "man they need help." Not in the negative sense of "boy the jacked up," but in the "the harvest is full but the workers are few" kinda sense. They had a good amount of leaders but they just seemed to always be in need to have other people step up and help them reach the Asian people at Baylor.
2) I had somewhat of a skillset towards their specific mission.
a. Ethnicity
One of the biggest blessings I've found out over my 4 years of minoring in Asian-American studies (it's my joke to myself but no, I don't actually possess this degree) is that I'm a 2.5 generation American-born Chinese American. The blessing is that I'm basically culturally confused enough and culturally understanding enough to not come into college unsure of who I am ethnically. Practically, I'm not coming in thinking "I have a choice to either make ONLY white/non-asian friends or make ONLY Asian friends." I'm Chinese. I was born in Texas. I know where my heritage is but I can see where it's also trippin. That's just a Acts 17:26 gift. I can't take credit for having a Chinese dad that was born in Hong Kong and a Chinese mom born in Texas.This upbringing seriously helped me understand and sort through why my Asian peers and friends do what they do that's different than me ... as well as helped me see my ethnicity not as a barrier to spreading the gospel but as a means to spread the gospel effectively. Now that's not totally on my background. It's totally on grace.
b. Gospel-centered mentors
Before I left for college, I had two men in my life that were ferocious about the gospel ... Not just helping me get it "right" doctrinally, but seriously penetrate down deep. My first youth pastor always preached the same sermon in youth service about the cross purchasing our status and freeing us from the idols and slavery that leave us empty. He even hooked me up with one of my favorite books "The Reason for God," which to this day I still turn to to reference. Second, as I was about to enter college, my new youth pastor at the time seemed to continue this push to understand the beauty and depth of the gospel. He still does and I love both of them for doing so. All that to say, God helped provide a foundation for me before I even stepped foot into Waco. And he continued to provide with older men who, though they couldn't physically be there mentoring me day and night, gave me resources to feed on while I learned what it meant to always pursue depth and growth. (My brother just asked me how much my "library" of resources" is worth the other day and it got me thinking just now "wow, God's blessed me a ton" ... How am I gonna steward this?)
3) Passion/A Want to
Something intrigued me about being part of this. No other organization existed to do what AFC was doing/attempting to do. It excited me that I could be part of this thing ... Part of this team to see God glorified in the lives of Asian college students in Waco. Maybe at the time I applied for leadership, all I could think was "why not?" but in the end, I think this was the driving force that propelled me to send the application in ... or at least the motivating factor that led me to reapply and buy in till graduation.

III. Sanctification hurts/Exposed
Oh my God (I don't use that phrase apathetically lol.) ... When I started to pray that God would grow me, humble me, stop at nothing to give me more of Himself, etc., I didn't know how much He'd expose my sinfulness. Heh. There's a difference in being modest and being humbled ... And it's not all daisies and warm fuzzies all the time haha. One of the things I'm most grateful for in my involvement with AFC is that God's consistently put me in my place. I heard early on from older, wiser men that us young guys have the tendency (especially us guys entering college) to think we know it all. It's an arrogant way to live but somehow we think our 19 to 20-year-old brains are freakin awesome.The funny thing is that that's exactly where I started my freshman year. Of course I wouldn't say that I thought I was smarter or that my way was better but it's what I often thought in the back of my head and I know what Jesus says about all that stuff buried deep. Heh. Every semester was a bump in the road that tested my pride. From the first large group where they needed a drummer to me semi-lackadaisically applying for leadership that first semester, to that first small group I co-led, to trying to be a small group and large group coordinator, to trying to be the emcee, to "exec" meetings that got turned into "vision team meetings," to every breakthrough, REC week, and leadership retreat, to every NSO, to everything in between about my progressing thoughts of InterVarsity. And somewhere in all that God taught me how to shut up and listen ... to stop and take a minute to look before thinking my opinion was the best ... To stop thinking that I'm not a sinner that is "prone to wander" and make this all about me. I'm grateful that in the end, it led me to push towards the scriptures ... I learned later on that though my heart, my head, my motives, my flesh, though they're inconsistent at best, the word of the LORD stands forever. It can't cease to be God's word. It don't change. The Truth is always true. 

IV. So What?
As it's slowly dawning on me that I will no longer be an active leader/member of AFC, I ask myself what influence I had ... what fruit came from my labor? Cause let me tell you ... There were a lot of tears shed in my 4 and half years, a lot of hard decisions to make to stick through AFC when it was easier to quit.

V. Was it worth it?
Yes. I read "Desiring God" my sophomore year and it changed the way I started filtering my decision making. When I learned that the scriptures do indeed teach that simply basking in and enjoying God most gives Him glory, I started using the question "Will it get me more God?" as my filter for saying "yes" or "no" on big decisions. More than the statistics of people who became believers for the first time, the number of people discipled, the number of lunches with freshman, the impact and empowerment for students to become leaders, etc., it was all about this life-giving, (Christian) hedonistic question ... And when I ask myself whether involvement with AFC gave me more of Jesus, it's obvious: Yes.

VI. Is that all?
I guess so. Time would forbid me to detail out every struggle and every time Jesus rescued me from myself. There aren't enough large group gatherings to tell of the wonders God's done. Heh, I didn't even realize that two of my roommates this past semester entered college as unbelievers and are now followers of Jesus. Wow that was strangely encouraging. Names and faces are what stick in my mind when I think about AFC. The stories of people's lives changed by the gospel. The discipleship of believers who were so unsure upon entering college.

I don't want to jazz it all up and make it seem like AFC pwns (though sometimes I do feel that way). There's a ton of questions and hopes I still have for AFC. But in the end, I got more God and more people got God too. As long as people get Jesus, I think that's a win and I can close this chapter of my life knowing it was all worth it. I used to be skeptical of people that would always say things like "God is good!!!" but here I am, having seen that truth with my own eyes.

God is good.
-Jon Lau, Baylor University and InterVarsity (AFC) Alumni

*Bump*

It hasn't hit me yet that God willing, I'll be a college student for only 12 more days.

Chapter closing (Initial Thoughts)

Bittersweet sums it up well. I knew the day was coming where college would end and the adult world would be the new chapter for my life.

So here I am with a lot of questions, uncertainties, things I wish I would've done with my time here, etc.

But here I am ... feeling unready and unprepared for a world I'm unfamiliar with.

Is this it? I feel I owe to myself a big praise/cry out to God post about AFC and the 4.5 years here. Maybe some other time.

I find my need for the gospel to be even deeper than I thought. My pride is stubborn. But I know He never lets go and I know He will not let me grow up to be a "spiritual brat" as Pastor Kyle says. He's for me.

My prayer since day 1 of college has been that I would get more God. He has been faithful, sometimes with much pain attached, but that's my prayer once again. Nothing less Father, give me more of Yourself. Help me want more than I do. You're so good yet my heart is prone to chase creation over You. Help me. Thanks for being good, even when I am not. Thanks for being patient with me ... for letting me know that You know exactly where I am, where I've been and You don't run away and leave me alone. Thank You for the gospel of Jesus. My sin runs deep but still You love me. Help me believe that.

So Happy

I am so happy for my brother Chris. I didn't think I could be this happy for him and I wont even try to articulate why. Just so happy for him and esther.

God, our Father, knows what is BEST for His children and will spare us even good things for our good and His glory. I pray that I'd eat up that truth and allow myself to truth it.

Congratz bro.

Romans 10:17

"So faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the word of Christ."
-Romans 10:17

Father, you've granted many opportunities and placed many people in my life who need to know You.

Help me with my unbelief and grant me faith to open my mouth and the patience to love. The gospel matters. Jesus be glorified.
-Jon

Week 2 Update

As it's nearing the end of week #2, all I can say is that God is good, the gospel of Jesus is powerful, and there's much work left here to do.

It's a crazy thing that as a super senior I think I have it all figured out ... at least what college is and what to expect ... only to see more of my pride, more of my unbelief, and more of my own self-dependence and cowardice. Heh, God's been pinning the word "IDENTITY" back into my world and at first glance I think I already got it ... I've heard the sermons, listened to Lecrae's song about it (shout it and prayers go out for Him and the ministry God's given him), but I'm finding my heart wanting to drift to so many other things to base my identity off of. Whether it's on the good side or the bad side of the spectrum, this is the state of my heart. He's still working it out ... that the gospel is something I still very much need to sanctify me.

On another note, if you glance at this, pray for courage and energy. I may sound old for saying this but I find myself spiritually tired ... in that I just find myself wanting to push away from gospel intentionality. I just want to be alone sometimes, just want to read a book (sometimes even my Bible) to get away from investing in people's lives and getting in their mess. Sometimes I want to just do religious things to run from that discomfort of engaging in mission and obedience. Honestly, I just find myself not wanting to do it anymore. "I've poured so much" is what I hear myself saying and I just need prayer to not believe the lie that I've finished my course here at Baylor. Truth is, there are multitudes of people who have never heard the gospel here at Baylor, countless who still think Christianity is just about being moral people, and so many more who are bitter against the church. And sometimes, it overwhelms me ... almost into despair that things wont change, hearts wont be transformed, and people wont ever "get it."

That was a little more honest than I wanted to be with this post but that's where I am sometimes.

Heh.

It's an interesting thing. In the end, God saves, God transforms, God will be the glorious one, not me.

Jesus, call your sheep by name. Some are so lost. I feel guilty and sometimes helpless when I see it, so help me with my unbelief. Open up my hands to speak and my hands to serve in love. Don't let me believe the father of lies and his pathetic words. I just want You to take off here. Inflame my heart for it. Thank You for the cross, for purchasing me with Your blood, for bringing in the new covenant that grants life. Thank You that came to rescue sinners.
-Jon

"How was your summer?"

So I'll be heading back up to waco in a week as school starts a little less than 2 weeks from now ... And it's got me thinking how I'll answer that question of "How was your summer?" And in the past I've thought about such questions and the opportunity for them to advance the gospel. And I don't want this last round of those questions for me (yay last semester in college!) to be wasted.

It's an interesting thing. Heh, seriously though ... I somewhat still can't believe all that's happened and where God's placed me this summer. I honestly just don't know how it all turned out the way it did. How this got closed and that got opened and such. Ha, I still don't really know where I am yet and what God's been doing in me. I'd attempt to try to blog it out (which would help sort things) but should you read this, just pray that God would give me rich thoughts this week ... that He would minister to me and encourage me to look towards Christ above all, that my eyes would be fixed on Him and the things above. There's a ton that God's been working on in me this summer and I can't believe how patient He is with my unbelief and stubbornness to trust Him. I just don't want to assume the gospel anymore in how I speak and live. Maybe we can do this together fam. Pray that God would help us sort through how to answer that question for His glory, for the advancement of the name of Jesus and the good news of His death and resurrection for the joy of all.

God, let me not assume the gospel through what I say and do. If the invitation really is free and the celebration feast that awesome, I don't want to cower in fear. Open opportunities, open conversations. Help me see that You are Lord of ALL things and all realms of my life and not just some. Thank You for being mighty to save, for pursuing a wayward bride such as us, for not letting us go, for ensuring us that You're not far by the blood of Christ. Oh, help us want You more than our sin. You're so much better. Help us Father. Thank you for this journey you've had me on and for giving opportunity to declare your gospel already. Nothing is hidden when you see me, yet that you would let me go to work with You. Thank you for your grace. Keep pruning. Keep saving me.

Psalm 119:105.

Out of the billions of facebook and tumblr posts, instagram pics, and tweets, out of all the ideologies and sermons that we hear everyday in our music and movies, out of the billions of ideas and thoughts and images within our grasp every single day … If you don’t read the Bible and don’t know what the book is basically about, you’re inevitably going to take in all that stuff and choose the bits and pieces of ideas you like that can at least (or at best), empathize your hurts and ultimately put you as the only one worthy of all affection. If you don’t ever get to reading the Bible for yourself and understanding the main idea of it, you’re going to watch movies and buy the sermon they’re preaching that leaves you with no answers and only a small glimmer of hope that things will somehow work out. If you don’t get the gospel, you’ll enter friendships with the idea that everyone should value you as awesome first and foremost. You’ll enter relationships that have marriage nowhere in sight. Your favorite music will be songs that understand how hurt you are and that’s all music will be for you … a message that you’re not alone … that we’re all hopelessly broken people … a justification that no one can judge you. You’ll play hours and hours of video games to escape thinking about things or you’ll change your lifestyle so that you live at such a fast pace that you’ll simply have no time to think about the deep realities of life or the direction you’re headed in. You’ll make something the only thing worth living for and stop at nothing and stop for no one to get it. Or maybe you’ll even dig yourself so deep that one day you’ll find yourself asking how you even got this way … so low.

Honestly, I just came off of playing LoL (which apparently is #1 pc game now … great haha) for hours and hours and I just kept feeling this sense of emptiness and I was questioning “What did I do with today?” I can justify it by reading a small passage of the Bible but in the end, it’s no use. And I just can’t help but feel this weight that’s telling me that this is what we do and are. We obsessively attach ourselves to these things, this job, this game, this relationship, this hobby, this whatever, and we just go and go and go because maybe then we’ll never have to confront the truth that we’re not just victims of the “injustice” of others’ neglect of us. We’re actually sinners. We’re actually offenders of God, people who willingly rebel against God in an instant and worship created things over the Creator. We’re actually the people responsible for the cross of Jesus. We crucified Jesus.

If only we would give up. Give up on the theology of “I’ll get it together myself … somehow.” If only our pride would be overthrown and we’d ask the Spirit to help us want to read and understand the Bible. If only we’d then by faith, do the work of reading and studying it instead of thinking we know how life works better than how God already said it does with Him and His glory at the center. If only we’d turn and repent of trying to be our own saviors … Then maybe we’d see that the Bible isn’t just a prognosis of what’s wrong with us or how lovely we are. Maybe then we’d know life isn’t at best just a clawing for survival in a cold, fallen world. Maybe then we’d get it that faith isn’t just some blind one-in-a-million, “spray and pray it hits” type of hope but a backbone of steel in a finished work by a perfect God-man. Maybe then we could live out the identity Christ purchased for us and stop feeling sorry for ourselves for not having what everyone else seems to have. Maybe then we could cry tears of joy rather than tears of despair. Maybe then we’d be marked as redeemed people who rejoice instead of a tired people who are primarily the same as everyone else but with a religion attached to them.

There’s good news in the wreckage that we’ve made. That’s what the Bible is all about: God is the good news, despite the wreckage that we are. Please, let’s read what He gave us. The invitation to the banquet is open as long as it’s called “today.”

Father, help us want to read Your Word. Help us want to study it. Give us a hunger for it. We want meat that will nourish. These other cheap substitutes are starving us. Help us. Thank You Jesus.

Not worthy to preach but ... ya.

Sometimes the scriptures seem too weighty for me to even attempt to expound. But here I am, given an opportunity to say "Thus says the LORD." Galatians 2:20 is the main text. Prayin that I'd be faithful and gripped by it even after tomorrow.

On a side note, what a blessing to preach my first sermon at my college roommate's church here in Brooklyn. God's shown so much grace ... I'm excited.

Pray that the Holy Spirit would awaken dead hearts tomorrow. Pray that He'd preach to me too.
-Jon

He's at work, He's paving the way.

So I'm in Brooklyn, New York as a short-term summer intern at Brooklyn Chinese Baptist Church.
Heh. Opened doors, closed doors. Christ is all.
Father, detach my heart from loving and worshiping the morally neutral things. It's draining me. They make bad gods. You're better.
-Jon

Push me out there Father. Joy's at stake.

I haven't much doubted that God's actively directing the next steps for me. I just have trouble being okay with each step ... haha.

It's been a month since I first left for China to help advance the gospel among the people there. Life has changed a ton since then and I'm still trying to figure out what God taught me there. I'm still trying to apply what I know He's already taught me.

There's much work to be done. Many people whom God's calling me to invest in that I'd prefer not to. There's much more sharing of the gospel to do, much more love to share, much more Christ to be had.

Oh God, we're messy. Thank You for the cross of Jesus. No turning back. Help me with my unbelief. Push me out there for the sake of Your name.

Truth ... (Lauryn Hill - Mystery of Iniquity)

Never heard a more brutal, honest depiction of the state of man, of the fall. It's strangely freeing.

Opened doors, closed doors (a snippet of the past 4 years)

I don't know about you but I've found that having an honest conversation and dialogue with God can be hard, not because I don't believe He loves me or anything but because I think I'm already being pretty honest with him.

I don't know what it is or what season He has me at in this point of my life but I found myself just having a different tone of dialogue with Him and it finally came out what I was feeling in my heart but never really audibly voiced to God what He and I both already knew: I hate the path He's had me on. Or ... I hate the path He has me on.

The past 4 years I can't attempt to summarize in a blog post and even the thought of such exhausted me but it just seems like one of the most tangible evidences of God's love and provision and kindness towards me in Christ Jesus is closed door after closed door after closed door followed by a seeming out of nowhere opened door followed by opened door followed by opened door. The picture that comes into mind is just this God who is paving the way for where He wants me ... clearing out the junk that might be good for me but not BEST for my joy and His glory. I can't tell you the amount of frustration of every closed door I've had to sigh about and pity myself for. I can't name every moment where I've asked God "why does he get what I want? Why does he get it so easy? What about me? Have you forgotten about me?" only to have to be reminded of the gospel of Jesus that squeezes out self-pity and pride.

One of the things I said to God came when the Holy Spirit was gripping my heart by having me hear testimonies of God's faithfulness for other college students at church this past Sunday and it was kind of shocking to me to have heard myself. It was this tear-filled question of "Why do You even want me to do ministry?" I don't know how that question came about or why I was so undone but there I was, strangely encouraged, strangely sanctified.

All that to say, I still, even at this 1:29am in the morning moment, don't know where exactly God's placing me. The approach to this summer has been astoundingly confusing for me and I think I'm seeing more doors open and other great ones close, yet here I am trying to pray and discern, trying to be on mission where I'm presently at, trying to listen to what He's saying by the washing of the word, and trying to trust Him wherever He leads me. By grace, this is going to be an awesome summer.

I haven't always liked or approved of the way You align things and circumstances and people in my life Father. But one thing You've made crystal clear ... You're the best there is. You're the most worthy. You're the most valuable. Help me want You above all else, even this possible ministry thing.

God, I'm so impatient. You know this. Keep pruning.
-Jon

The seeming unshakeable drift

"Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the holy places by the blood of Jesus, by the new and living way that he opened for us through the curtain, that is, through his flesh, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near." (Hebrews 10:19-25 ESV)

 An understanding of the cross of Jesus, of the gospel, did something very peculiar in the days of the first Christians. When you read the book of Acts or Paul's epistles, can't you just feel this certain earnestness and honesty? An earnestness for people to know the all-surpassing joy of knowing Christ and a freedom to not hide. It's just an interesting thing ... That somehow that fear of being found out as the leper amongst the clean ... the fear of not being up to par with your peers goes into the ground and all the sudden is a freedom you've almost believed was too good to ever be true. The gospel of Jesus Christ ... knowing it, cherishing it, treasuring Jesus does something very peculiar with our relationships with all people. At least we know it ought to. When we read the scriptures and we see Paul systematically lay out the wickedness of man as well as a personal transcript of how his past should condemn him, we know that this power to be come out of hiding ought to be a mark of the Christian, but after that oh so sweet quiet time, we wonder what happened. But perhaps the fact that we still operate in our speech and action no differently than those who the scriptures would say are not alive but are dead in their trespasses and sins, is because we have trouble believing the essential message of Christianity. Maybe the fact that we know we are but cower back into fear is because we don't trust Jesus.

The "good news that brings joy" about being a Christian is that though it does not magically take away the fact that you're just as fragile and vulnerable as the next guy, understanding the cross of Jesus does free you up to unashamedly admit your inadequacy, your incompetency, your brokenness, the fact that you're unclean and that you can't fix you. Why? because the whole point of Christianity is that Jesus did what you and I could not. Because Jesus fulfilled the law with his life, died our death for sin and rose in triumph over its power to detain and claim us, the curse has been lifted, our sin done away with and atoned for. Jesus is our rest and our freedom. He is our great boast and hope. His blood is our voucher. He has fixed what we broke. He has restored what fractured. He has reconciled what our religious efforts could not. He brought us to God.

Oh that we might fight and claw to realize what God has made already made new (you and me), that we might live as those alive and not dead, that we might not cower back into fear in our weakness and fragile moments but draw near in faith.

God help us from the seeming unshakeable drift to the building a pretense of fortitude and prideful independence. Help our hearts believe the sufficiency of Christ's blood. Grant faith for our unbelief.

Don't be afraid oh my soul, draw near. He is for you. No charge can be brought. You're His. You hear that!? You're His!

Long time.

Feels like I've been here at Baylor for a longgg time.

Somehow, ridiculously excited that I get another semester after this one. By grace, goin out hard for the name of Christ. None of this coasting business.

Great needs and a great hope.

Part of what's formed in me these past couple of years is in regards to certain issues/problems/needs on campus is this sense of hopelessness ... It sounds like this in my head: "That's the way things are. Accept it." It's usually followed by a self-justification that goes like: "You're graduating soon anyway. You've done your part." It's funny that I speak as if God had not ordained and graciously given me another semester here.

Sitting at moody again like the good ol' days and I just can't help but feel this weight ... Oh how much this campus needs to know good news. It needs to know of something that has been done for it, not something it can attempt to do. It needs a "gospel." It needs news that brings liberating joy.

It astounds me to this day that a vessel God would use to herald such a precious message is someone like me ... so mixed-motive, easily satisfied, attention-craving, full of holes ... that often feels on the very cusp of disqualification when it comes to speaking about Jesus. I possess no ability to change a heart. But somehow, I often ponder the beauty and excellence in how God's done this for so long. In the end, maybe this is exactly why He does it. If God could work through the most sinful and "disqualified" of us all to save the souls of men, perhaps the testimonies of "That had to be God!" is what makes Him seen as most precious. Glorious.

Grant me courage Father.

Fellow saints, pray Ephesians 6:19-20 on me and the brothers and sisters here at Baylor that too are struggling to trust and obey. There's too much joy at stake to cower in unbelief.

It's like ... I almost forgot that the gospel has power to transform, to invade. May our testimonies remind us. Oh that You might encounter us Jesus. That you might become a beautiful, freeing reality. Jesus, invade this campus I ask for the glory and renown of Your name.

The supposed process to growing up and things we already know.

Somewhere along the lines of slowly transitioning into adulthood, it's like a common code that no one is explicitly verbalizing but is genuinely accepted to be true: The older you get, the more REAL life gets, the more brutal the way things are, the more brutal the way people are ... "Trust yourself above all else, and a few others tops, but watch your back always." At least, this is what I hear in my head.

I want to say that I trust people fairly easily and am one to be trusted but what God's been chipping away at in my pride is that I have this fear that people will disappoint me and end up "abandoning" me to figure out how to grow up on my own. It's just a thing that's there in my heart ... especially when it comes to ministry. I have this fear that despite the fact that I, without a doubt, know that I have friends and family and church family who love me, in the end, it's gonna be me, myself, and me. I don't know the source of this weird thing about me but sometimes I just hear the voice "ya, you know that's true. You know it's gonna get harder post-college. Prepare for it now and deal with it when it comes. Everyone else had to." And sometimes I believe that ... Or at least I find myself living that way.

All that to say, my goodness does my heart incessantly need Jesus to do some repairs. Heh, that's it about that. It's something I struggle with because for real, for real (and you know it got real when i just said it twice lol), most of who I am today, I WANT to take ownership of. Every good thing, every bit of maturity, semblances of Christ-likeness, love and knowledge of the scriptures, etc., I want to say is something I, Jon Lau, have worked for. So on our drive back to waco earlier today, my bro Devin was talking about how God was showing him how much he pitied himself and when crap hits the fan, I always go back to the feeling that I was left myself to figure things out ... From "how does this Christianity thing work?" to "how's a Christian supposed to view dating?" to "how do grow up to be a man?" to "how can I be a better drummer, basketball player, leader for AFC," etc., etc., etc. It's such blatant pride ... And yet it's my refuge in some ways when things get tough or I simply don't get my way. And maybe along the way, I've found that it's a trust issue ... with people yes, but with Jesus more.

It's like somewhere along the lines of becoming a Christian by hearing a gloriously liberating message of what Christ did on the cross and conquering death, you get to a point where "it's on you." Galatians would put it this way: "Having begun by the spirit, are you now being perfected by the flesh?" and we start thinking that any growth we may have is directly predicated on what we can do, how we can do it, and how much will power and fortitude we can muster to execute all those things. It's so quickly a terrible transition from resting in the finished work of Jesus' cross to a lifestyle of self-dependence.

It's hard for me to get (heck I'm so prone to forget by the time I wake up in the mornings) that Christ went to the cross while I was at my worst and that His love doesn't change just because I prove myself inconsistent and shaky at trusting Him. It's a funny, slippery slope ... but just because I know and can articulate these truths doesn't excuse me from trusting in them. What perverse, broken hearts we have to think that an acumen of truth excuses us from application of it.

But ya, just some things that have been on my mind. I find it helps me to type it out and I figure it doesn't hurt for people to let whoever wants to read it to read it.

Summary: I need Jesus. The cross is all I've got. I'm prone to wander into self-dependence, which is the opposite of the gospel. And I'm grateful that Jesus keeps working on me.

*Heh, there's other good things going on life I suppose but I feel these to be most helpful for me to articulate. Peace.*
-Jon

Luke 18:16

Somewhere in the transition from teenager to "young adult" to "real world adult" is the notion that as you and I mature, our minds are supposed to conform to the notion that the real world is just the way it is and you better get on board or else be left behind to reap the consequences of your lack of ambition and "go get it."

Somewhere in the process of "growing up," you're supposed to learn to distrust people, rely on yourself, and make things happen. Things are the way they are, and you can't pretend you're a kid anymore in a fairyland ideal. The real world is the real world. Adapt.

And this is where the nostalgic Jon comes out and starts to think about the times as a kid where life was really simple ... really beautiful really. There wasn't so many problems; no drama whatsoever; nobody you had to get approval from. It was just me, smiling a ton, making terrible jokes in an Australian accent because life was meant to be enjoyed. It doesn't necessarily take a John Piper reader to have understood as a kid that "God is most glorified when we are most satisfied in Him." It's something some of us knew to be true. It was in us. And now that I'm far removed from whatever that reality was, somehow life becomes more of a fight for survival and an identity crisis ... totally dependent on whatever way we gauge success. You gotta get the GPA, gotta get the internship, gotta get the job, gotta get the Godly wife, etc., etc., etc. And it's like some kind of pressure, a weight if you will, that if we're not careful, we'll let enslave us and all of the sudden, let that "dream" of ours command and capture our very longings, affections, and our schedules.

I'm just throwing up a thought right now, but maybe Luke 18:16 can bear some weight for me. Maybe "growing up" in a sense is "growing down" and just crucifying independence. Maybe sanctification looks a lot more like losing your life, loosening your grips and trusting that the only unwasted life is a life spent enjoying Jesus and making known that He is a sweet Savior for all who might finally be tired enough of the works of their hands and come to a savior who is able, a savior who is worthy to follow as King.

Galatians.

"For freedom Christ has set us free" would be the title of my senior year memoirs haha. The struggle of believing the gospel as sufficient, and not needing addition or subtraction, but that Christ crucified and risen is enough ... That Christ's death and resurrection has accomplished freedom for us to enjoy, not to submit again to a yoke of slavery. Oh the transforming work of the explicit gospel, unfiltered, untampered, uncensored. Christ and his work on the cross alone has set us free. We are free!

Sometimes you just need to tell someone. It's really good news.

Father, grant me the faith to announce it and walk in step with it. People here just simply need to meet Jesus. Draw them now, I ask. Spirit move in power in advancing the great gospel. C'mon, I ask for the sake of Your name Jesus.

(And thank you for the book of Galatians.)

That middle part of the semester.

He is a Lord of patience. He is faithful.

-And so the semester goes on. New opportunities, more open doors to share the greatest news ever. Man I love how Tim Keller puts it. Christianity really is essentially news, not advice. Boy do we live in a world that needs news and not more advice.

Oh Christ, fill me with fresh affection and passion for Your name. Boy, do we know You so bad. Let us draw near in confidence because of that cross.

You're just so ... true.

[note to self, dear jon, don't forget how faithful He is. Don't. He's proven time and again to be completely worthy of trust and for being for your best. Trust Him and don't go after worthlessness. He's better. Be faithful to what He's entrusted you with TODAY. Colossians 3:1-4, 1 John 4:10.]

Next steps

Either I chill till graduation or toil till the end. I want to be all "I choose the latter" but I need God to be my strength in this.

In God's mercy, I have another semester here after this current one. God help me see that every day is a Matthew 28:19-20 day.

Jesus, call your sheep by name. Help me trust you enough to obey. When I find it inconvenient or troublesome and want to make the case for entitlement, encourage and empower me with the truth of the gospel so that I might enter into other people's worlds as You did mine in Christ. I have no clue where I'd be without You. Save many.
-Jon

Family

It didn't hit me until around my sophomore year of college how ridiculously difficult it must have been to raise me as a child. Or grow up with me.

For whatever reason, these past couple of weeks, I've really just felt the prayers and love of my dad, mom, and brother. I can't sum it up. I simply love my family a lot.

I really wanna go home soon. And not just because of the food (which is awesome, not to mention free!)
-Jon

Unbelief

"The degree to which you enjoy the praise of people is the same degree to which their criticism will wreck you." - Britt Merrick

I'm a slave to the approval of man. This, deeper than basketball, is the root of the most rampant sin in my life. My heart will long and lust after anything that might help me believe I'm worth something or that I am somebody worth talking about. Of course WHEN those things that I invested in to build me my identity fail, I bicker, become enraged, lash out, etc. It's like I feel betrayed ... I did my end of the deal and what's to show for it but just a weight of emptiness? In the end, I know it's a lack of belief in the gospel ... that Jesus' accomplishment through his cross and resurrection already achieved my acceptance before the most fearful and wonderful to be accepted of. I love this gospel and I want to dedicate my life to heralding it and living in step with it but in this moment, I find it hard to believe. I find Jesus hard to trust when he said "It is finished."

To an extent I've always known this idolatry in me but by grace, maybe today is the day I declare war on it. Maybe tonight is the night I start to pray that I might take steps towards putting it to death through the cross of Jesus. Maybe tonight, I don't just put it off to be dealt with tomorrow. Oh God, help me. Jesus uproot this filth in my heart and replace it with the fullness and freedom of being in Christ. By the cross I know that I am more accepted and loved than I could ever dare to hope but my heart has trouble believing such good news. Save me from myself and my heart's tendencies to run from You. Be enough.

"Father, I believe. Help me with my unbelief!"" (Mark 9:24)