My perfect, spotless righteousness.

Praise Christ.

For the righteous requirement of the law was fulfilled in Christ. That God's demand of holiness, of perfection, of spotlessness, was met in the perfect, spotless lamb of God, Jesus of Nazareth. Alleluia. Christ, your humility, your obedience, I pray that you'd create such in my rebellious, lustful heart. Thank you for getting torn in two at the cross. I have no shot if I'm banking on me. Thank You for showing me that if not for your mercy, I am hopeless. Thank you for granting me a righteousness not of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ. Thank you Jesus for being my righteousness.

My debt has been paid! And not only is my record paid in full but it is replaced with a perfect one. For this I am grateful. Increase my joy in You Father. You orchestrate all of this so well. Glorify Your magnificent name. Magnify the riches of Your worth. Create in us new hearts. Write the law on them. Create a heart of worship. Praise be to Your holy name.

It was an interesting week in DC for christmas week, but God read this over me:

"For we ourselves were once foolish, disobedient, led astray, slaves to various passions and pleasures, passing our days in malice and envy, hated by others and hating one another. But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life."
-Titus 3:3-7

This saying is trustworthy. Praise Christ.
I beg You Holy Spirit, renew some that are at this moment in bondage to what they're told will satisfy, absolve, and redeem. They need You to wake them, to resurrect them from the dead. Jesus be our treasure. To know you is to live. I pray they'd choose to live. For the glory of Your holy and precious name, Amen.

Growing Pains

I thought that the religiosity of my flesh would filter out such honesty.

Been praying for awhile for God to expose me where I can't see my sin and He has exposed me of my rivalry, the specific fruit of my pride. I often want to be seen as the most far along, the most spiritual, the most mature Christ-follower. I enjoy being the guy that knows more Bible than you. I enjoy answering questions and pointing Bible references. I like it ... too much. So when I don't get the fame and credit, I pout and judge others as not as good as Jon Lau. I withdraw from crowds as a way of putting me right in the middle of the room and call it biblical. Sound like a particular manipulative group of people in the Bible? But ya ... This is my heart, filth and all. I find that when I echo the thoughts of my heart verbally, I'm devastated and somehow shocked to find that I want my name to be known and remembered and I absolutely crave the praise of men. Like, I really like it when someone sees me with a little bit of awe. I want that and I find my heart going "did so and so see me do that?" "I wonder if anyone will see my pain and suffering in this moment so that they can see I'm suffering for the sake of the gospel ... " It's like I want to build up a resume of spirituality and blasphemously clothe the humble "Christ alone" language to my blog entries. I thought that the religiosity of my flesh would filter out such honesty. This is just the echoings of my heart. The one today? "Jon, no one knows the pains of ministry and the needs of others like you. No one's seen it like you. No one loves the gospel and stands in it like you. No one distrusts their opinions under the weight and authority of scripture like you Jon. Nah, you're by yourself in that. But what can you do but pray? Maybe they'll get there. Just keep going." This is me. This is my pride. I tell myself that I'm being humble and that my peers ought to praise me for doing so. Disgusting is it not?

I'm grateful that God doesn't leave me in imagination of my proud, scattered, sinful heart, which would rather keep trucking 100mph blind. I'm grateful that Christ doesn't just dine with the tax collector and sinner but also communes and invites and implores the pharisee. Jon, Christ frees where the law cannot. You don't want the law Jon. Trust scripture. You want Christ, not the law. Understand this you stubborn fool. You want mercy, not self-reliance. Study His holiness and see how far you are from it. You want grace. You want wrath to be averted. You want Jesus. Praise Christ.

*whew* by grace I've been saved. By grace I am being saved. *whew*

Know a big fear of mine? I know a lot of the gospel-centered/Christ-alone/cross of Christ language. I really do. I can tell you what justification is. Substitutionary atonement? Propitiation? Ya I can point you to 1 Cor 15:1-4, and 1 John 4:10. Humility? Philippians 2 son. yee-uh. I'm really good at sounding humble. It's not hard for me. It's easy to emulate the language of humility. Theologically it's not hard. But being humble? That's something else altogether. One thing I've noticed about the pharisees ... They sacrifice the kingdom of God for a mere appearance of it. They make the cross dispensable and in the end, they get what they crave: applause. I think that as honest as I can be, I want that. That scares me how much I want it because I find that the more I read scripture, the more rampant a theme I hear it continually warning me of ... DO NOT BE THEM! YOU DO NOT WANT THAT! IT IS NOT LIFE AT ALL!

Though I found Jesus to be the most harsh (in love) to them, Paul echoes the warning:

"Beware, therefore, lest what is said in the Prophets should come about:

'Look, you scoffers,
be astounded and perish;
for I am doing a work in your days,
a work that you will not believe, even if one tells it to you.'"
-Acts 13:41/Habakkuk 1:5

In the midst of warring with my heart always wanting to score the most points on this sick game of spiritual maturity, I don't want to miss Jesus. God help me. Don't let me miss Jesus. Please. May his cross consume me. May your word be as fire and my pride as the wood. Even as I type all this, part of me thinks I've already arrived at perfection. Protect me Father, lest I walk as an enemy of the cross of Christ. Sanctify me to boast in nothing but that cross. I have no other hope.

Thank You that "It is finished." That when Satan turns truths into half-truths, bringing accusation upon accusation, the fact of the cross shuts him up ... That in the face of my unrepayable debt, I boast not in my failure of a transcript, but in Christ's perfect one.
Thank You Father for sending Your son to die for the sins of the proud.
Help me. Purge me of everything that's hurting me. Thank You for loving me Father.
-Jon

Life update.

It's always been hard for me to answer the question "How's life?" because I usually don't know where to start. But today I simply can say that I'm content. I just came back from Access, a youth ministry friday night deal we have back at my home church in Houston and it's just ... encouraging. I love the gospel. I love being around other people who love it too. I love being shaped by fellow guys that stand in it, are stretched by it, and are being sanctified through it. One of the younger middle schoolers was leading worship and he's not the most gifted singer but just as he was leading, I was surrounded by people I love who were clapping, raising their hands and shouting the lyrics of how faithful God's been and is. A bro to the left of me was so exuberant in shouting praise to God that he started repeating the chorus where the worship leader didn't and it was hilarious. There was lots of laughter in worship tonight. Some of my closest friends at Baylor were there today for it too so it was that much more awesome. It so happened that it was a lot of the praise team from AFC there so we ended up jamming for awhile :), and by the end of it people from so many networks of mine were just singing together and praising Jesus Christ and I was just kinda taking it in and smiling (though maybe my demeanor was blank).

Life is hard. The narrow road always will be. The cost of following Jesus is something I keep seeing as serious business. Like ... "lose your life for my sake," "those who love father or mother more than me are not worthy of me" serious. And collide that with just who Jon Lau is ... and produces an incredibly ugly mess. But in between the constant battle against sin, there are subtle things where God whispers to me "see that? ya i know you're a mess. look at what I'm doing. Get in on this. Come to me, and I will bind you up son." There's so much to be said about life and what's going on but I can't but see that God's doing something bigger. I chatted with my dad for a while the other night and honestly, I disagree on A LOT of things but it just got me thinking big picture. Like God's redeeming plan in history big. And I'm freakin excited about not only my part to play in this grand scheme of history but my peers. Of course there are tons of crap to be wary of but God is raising up God-fearing, scripture-loving, disciples of Christ. And for that I'm grateful.

I think 90% of my blogs are always heavily internal and harshly self-examining but I can't help but see that though that stuff is important, maybe I need to take a second to just breathe, trust that GOD, not Jon Lau, is holding the universe together at this very moment, and listen to what He's saying. I want to get in on this. I want Jesus. Nothing else will satisfy. If you stumble upon this and actually read this, would you partner with me in getting on your knees and face and plead for God to glorify His name mightily? Would you implore God, for His namesake, to make some noise? I'm not sure where you're at right now with your walk with God, or what your context looks like but I think there's a unified, deep deep hunger for what this Christianity really is ... I can feel it. I can see it in the eyes of my peers. I'm not sure why but it's just there even when I'm not looking for it. God, shout how awesome You are. My prayer is that You'd rescue sinners ...

I'm grateful that I can honestly say that I rejoice when You are seen as worthy of worship ... When You are seen as supreme. Thank You for saving me Jesus. I was hopeless. I can't believe and am humbled that You call me to be a minister of reconciliation, You making Your appeal through me.

Glorify Your name Jesus.
-Jon

Happy Thanksgiving?

I find that the more honest I am with myself, the more I see how prone I am to wander, prone to leave the God I love. I chase really silly things, such vain ambitions that never satisfied in the past. I attribute things God has done to foolish things like putting a ball in a hoop. I do whatever it takes to prove myself better than you. I find myself going "did I really just think/say that" frequently. I make other things an end in themselves instead of God as the goal, the prize, the treasure. I pat myself on the back in times of success and pity myself when things get hard. I play serious life things going on in other people as "trivial" and my pride always goes "grow up," as if I'm beyond that. I am constantly on the fringe from being content in God and craving the praise of men. As much as my theology will say to distrust the human heart, I find myself enslaved to its sinful desire to just do whatever it takes to be liked. I hate that I often choose an appearance of Godliness over the real thing. I hate how I compromise.

I'm fearful that I can go days or even weeks (God help me ... maybe longer) with just being okay with Jon Lau's own sin, and not thinking and pressing into the only thing that stands when the storm comes. I find that when I struggle, I run away from God instead of pressing towards Him.

As much as a theology of the cross of Jesus Christ ..., the "It is finished-ness" of the gospel ..., has stirred and stirs my heart's deepest affections, I have a fearfully sharp, whispering thought in my head that constantly puts into question whether my repentance is counterfeit. Just cheap.

Like ... There's been moments in life where when I'm honestly examining my heart and a fearful thing comes upon me where I see just how on the fringe I am in all of this ... Where I literally see the balance between selling out on the Gospel and being a faithful servant ... and how weak I am that literally one thing could tip it over for destruction. Its where all the fruits of sanctification collide with the fact that if not for sheer grace, I am the porn-addict, the guy that cheated on his girl ... I am the apathetic, the bitter, the insecure child that is willing to claw and do anything it takes to gain approval. Like ... if left on my own, I see how effing quick this whole Christianity of mine would plummet. When I'm honest, I see in myself just how quick I'd sell out and compromise the Gospel and the training in Godliness for applause.

By the grace of Jesus Christ, gratitude and thankfulness have much more frequently been my cries in prayer. I don't usually ever say anything about it being thanksgiving and all but since it's coming up, the thing I'm most thankful of is that "He who began a good work will bring it into completion in the day of Christ" (Philippians 1:6). If my working out my own salvation with fear and trembling (Philippians 2:13), were without the next verse ... I'd have no hope. I'm thankful that ultimately it is not Jon Lau but God Himself who works in me, who keeps me. I think the biggest things that held me back from going all in on this Christianity thing is that I knew that "if You get me then I know that You got me." And I've found immense comfort in knowing that His promise of never letting go, of always being faithful to a faithless, stiff-necked sinner, has not been shaken. I know that if led by my hand, this thing would tank so effin fast but I'm grateful it's not in my hands. I'm so effin grateful.

Praise be to the God-man, Jesus Christ who saved a sinner like me. No regrets. I'm thankful. He died the death I should have. He absorbed the wrath due me. He raised for my justification. Praise God. I pray that He'd "get you" too ... I'm pleading that He would call you by name and raise you from the dead the same way He did me. I long for the day that you call Him "abba, father" not as a servant but as an adopted son or daughter. Oh how beautiful is His glorious name. I plead daily that God would have you taste and see that He is good. He is good.

Happy thanksgiving?
-Jon

Older.

I don't realize that I'm one of the older ones now ... There's no more of an excuse. Whether or not the way we live is Christianity or Christian-y is no longer something I can excuse as out of my hands. As much as I want to be a friend to these freshmen, I think they need me to be an older brother to them.

God, give me the grace to not withhold any longer. Everything in me wants to share my joy and share my cautions of love. I don't want to see my little sisters hurt. I don't want to see my little brothers be okay with being boys. They need someone to grow them. I don't want to withhold. God, kill this pride in me. I don't know how to fix myself. Fix me.

Greater and grater Need

I find in myself more and more everyday the need to preach the gospel to myself.

Prone to wander.

Heavy wrath, heavy grace.

If at the heart of the gospel lies the doctrine of propitiation, should not the attribute of God's wrath be addressed, taught, and defined?

I admit it is terrifying to study God's wrath that pervades the entire Bible, but I've found that when life knocks the wind out of you, and you're left brokenly exposed to the reality of who we really are in light of who God is, when the cross is seen as the ultimate response to God's just anger against the offense we are, there is created something that holds tighter, endures with more patience, and praises w/more tears of gratitude. I've found God to be that much more worthy of affection the more I see how God feels towards the reality of sin and, ultimately, the response of love. Jesus Christ overcame. The love of God overcomes. Praise Christ.


The hard thing about seeing these things is that God whispers "You see it now ya? Now go." Crap.

Matthew 16:26

"For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?"

... One of the first verses I remember coming across when I became a Christian in high school was that stinging rhetorical question. I didn't know much of anything back then ... but something in my soul could connect with these sayings of Jesus ... I couldn't articulate a theology for you at all at the time but I knew that there was something weighty about that simple rhetorical question and my mind could at least articulate that it bore weight for not just church folk, but everyone. Sometimes I forget how short of a time span it's been since being the newly converted Christian ... unsure, confused, but ridiculously excited about this Christianity thing I said "YES!" to. I've stumbled so much to end up where I am today with my faith in who this Jesus is, and what he accomplished and so here I am, not a new convert, but still ignorant (and unfortunately arrogant) and somehow, that verse that I remember underlining 3-4x darker in green highlighter than any of my other spontaneously random highlights in my new adventure kid's bible is coming back ... And what stings is that it's a subtle, gentle reminder when I feel awesome ... Like do you ever have those days where you just have tons of fun? where you spend a good night with good friends and family and food? where you just feel awesome and things just feel ... right ... yet there's something in the corner of your heart that longs for something more? like what frustrates me most about Christianity is that it's even your best days that Jesus goes "there's more to be had. come back home." And by all means I wish I didn't feel this way. I wish I could just sleep easy ... but God loves me enough to whisper that verse ever so gently and piercingly into my ears that don't want to have anything to do with it: "Jon, what will it profit you to gain the whole world and forfeit your soul? What will you give in return for it?" I hate that voice. I wish it'd go away sometimes. Sometimes I wish He'd just leave me alone and let me have my own deal, let me do my own thing and talk to me only when I want help or when we meet for our Sunday appointment. Praise be to His glorious name that His response to my rebellion was the cross.

Today was a great day. It was. The thing that bugs me is that if Jesus, the Jesus of Nazareth as portrayed in the scriptures, that Jesus who was slaughtered and choked on his own blood for a people who cried "Hosanna!" one day and "Crucify him!" the next, if this Jesus who was delivered for our trespasses and overcame the grave for our justification, if this Jesus who freed us from what we couldn't be freed from by the law, if this Jesus is our supreme treasure that no other person or thing comes close to replacing as our supreme treasure, should not the Christian's awesome saturday look different than the guy who doesn't treasure that Jesus at all? This is what frustrates my soul and keeps me up tonight.

"For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?"

[A trend I see amongst Christians my age is the subtle regression of the sufficiency of the Bible, and if you keep peeling back the layers, God, Himself. Sure we'll revere Jesus as Lord and Savior when asked the religious test question, but when it comes to life questions like Why/How/What, we're prone to lose trust that Christianity has any answers whatsoever. The love of God that generations before us (namely our parents' generation) preached so passionately has become something we've grown to distrust as something that holds any weight, power or "relevance" ... especially when we see videos on the internet of the oppression of little kids and disasters that kill thousands of innocent people.]

Not sure if the last paragraph connects with the rest but my mind went there. I'm just wary because I get it ... I get the longing to not have to make everything specifically Christian. It'd be a lot easier and more fun to keep Jesus out of it. But I trust that scripture has a lot more authority than me and what I think. I trust that Jesus knows a lot more about life to the full than I do.

You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God (James 4:4).

-If we're honest, we're more than acquaintances with the world. And if we're f'real honest, I'm terrified at the possibility that that doesn't even phase us at all.

We need You. Father, heal our wicked hearts. For the sake of Your glorious name, heal. Grant repentance in this adulterous guy.

Alfred

God has allowed me the opportunity to not only witness but actively be a part of His saving work. This past Saturday, my beloved friend, Alfred Lee, accepted Jesus Christ as his personal savior. I could write a lot about the process. About the months of prayer of simply "God, save him" to the nights of God just placing him in my apartment for no apparent reason ... to the sport of basketball drawing us together and starting our friendship. Man there really is a lot I could say, specifically from a personal point of view leading up to the decision ... In the end, God saves ... despite me, yet by grace, through me. Words can't express the gratitude of knowing how God continually lets me be a part of what He's doing ... Of letting me be a minister of reconciliation as if God making his appeal through this sinner ...

During a small group discussion at AFC's camping trip, one of Alfred's sg leaders shared how he basically said something like "For years I'd known how lost I was and I've always searched and longed to come home. Now I'm home." He immediately changed his fb status to "I was lost, and now I am found." Praise be to God. All glory and honor ... be to Him ... That God can, does, and will save.

Man, I find myself in a mess, wiping snot on the sleeve while tears drench my clothes ... a lot more often. I'm incredibly thankful for all this. As Alf would say, I'm "EXCITED!" to see how it'll all play out. I love this guy so much and nothing increased my joy than seeing a lost friend and brother finally taste and see that the LORD is good. Man, He's so good.

There's a lot of hurt still going on all around me ... Guys who are just as jacked up and addicted to stupid things, who need Jesus just as much as Alfred did and does ... just as much as I did and do. God, grant your servant all boldness to share your word while You stretch out your hand to heal ...
-Jon

Ouch.

I think the most prideful thing I do is withhold.

(I've forgotten how much theology creates. It's sooooooo beautiful. Not going to write a poem about propitiation and substitutionary atonement but just sayin ... I've forgotten how much these truths create worship in me of a holy God.)

Help me not hold back what You've entrusted to this former blasphemer and indifferent son of disobedience. Fix my eyes on the cross of Jesus Christ, Father. I need it more than I know. Free me. There's more life to be had.

"Gap of Eternity"

We can numb it for a season but it's always coming back. I physically feel this in myself and all around campus. It's so heavy here. I'm beginning to see more and more each day how helpless we really are. Thank God there's good news.

He saved me.

The cross ... where the wrath of God and the love of God is most seen.

A while ago a man named Jesus died on a cross for me, was buried, and was raised on the third day according to the scriptures. I just don't get how this message, Christ crucified and Christ risen, has flipped my whole world upside down. By grace God's been reminding of my journey of how I got to be here. I find myself crying pretty often haha. Every accusation that could be brought against me has been nailed to the cross and those piercing words of Jesus ... IT IS FINISHED! ... There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! I can't believe He saved a wretched, indifferent, hopeless guy like me.

I'm about to write up a testimony sometime soon to post on my home church's youth website and for whatever reason it continually changes ... or at least I'm just seeing more and more how much He loved me and gave himself up for me. But ya, the other day I just stumbled upon this passage and it really is my testimony.

"Therefore remember that at one time you Gentiles in the flesh, called “the uncircumcision” by what is called the circumcision, which is made in the flesh by hands—remember that you were at that time separated from Christ, alienated from the commonwealth of Israel and strangers to the covenants of promise, having no hope and without God in the world. But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ."
-Ephesians 2:11-13

He saved me!

Worship.

You know an encounter with God happened when you open your eyes and ask yourself "whoa what just happened? where am I ... ? Praise God!".

That good news of Jesus and what He did on the cross ... man ...

Philippians 1:6

Upon conversion I remember blogging "I tried to run away from God but He refused to let me go." Looking back, no matter how hard I struggled to get rid of this Christianity thing, by grace, sanctification has not looked any different. 

It's been a little over 5 years now.

The Bent Towards Licentiousness

I've never been so inclined as I am today to be bent towards licentiousness. Legalism has always been far easier and safe ... To condemn others as less than me ... The licentious response is no different in essence but only externally ... to break commandments to show off how "not under the law I am anymore" ... to intentionally rub against and mock the legalist for being such a Pharisee ... The legalist and licentious guy are both the pharisee ... wicked and deserving of wrath despite how many bible verses he/she can memorize or how many of them are tattoo'd on their bodies ... And right now I cannot deny my heart's bitterness at Christian-ese, the culture, the people, people like me ... but in the midst of the looming tension which I've had a difficult time for the past year trying to reconcile in everyone else, God's showing me that He was preparing and teaching me then, not necessarily just them. What kills the sin (pride) in both? The bloody cross of Christ.

What a powerful God He is that even his very whispers quake our souls.

CBC Tuesday Night Basketball

Originally posted on Facebook ... But for the sake of this being a collection of my college years, I'll post here too.

Add this to my confusing pile of extremely wordy thoughts about my journey with this game called basketball and how God's sanctified and is sanctifying me through it despite a past I'd rather forget. Preface ... If you're not a fan of basketball specificallyor sports, not sure if you'll be able to relate and you may think by the end of this "dang dawg, you need counseling fool. Find a new hobby." But for anyone who's ever had a real zeal for any hobby, it's not too far a stretch from other common hobbies. But anyway, this is more for those who love God's gift of basketball like I do. Preface aside ...

I just got back from playing basketball at my church tonight (If you wanna come ... lemme know on my wall or something ... haha, don't let this post scare you from coming. It is indeed pretty fun and if nothing else you can trash talk to Mark Choi and laugh at Devin ... I do anyway). Well anyway ... Tonight is your typical night of Tuesday night basketball at CBC. It has scared off a number of people because of the aggressiveness that happens there as well as other things this post will get to ... Let's just say it's not "after-church ball." The people are different, the environment and tone is different and people don't smile as much ... haha. Sometimes there's altercations which are handled ... But anyway, as one of the youngest guys there, today I saw 20-40 year olds, grown men some even related, bicker, throw deliberate elbows, and perform takedowns all in effort to put a ball in a basket all as if to scream "I'M BETTER THAN YOU. I'M MORE POWERFUL." I don't normally use metaphors like the one I'm about to use but it was very king of the hill with one lion trying to show that his roar is more fear-instilling, while another lion trying to prove who's really more powerful. Some of these guys almost like beat their chest to show they're more than ready to mix it up and show who's more of a "man." In those moments my mind goes something like this ... "GROW SOME BALLS! You're older than me and here you are yelling at your nephew over a game that none of us are really any good at!" (the score was like freakin 1-2 after 15 minutes or so). Anyway, by grace nothing gets out of hand and as the man left the gym I see on his face that look that I know all so freakin well.

My history at Tuesday night basketball at Chinese Baptist Church has not been ... well a good one. My track record would depict a total pompous young kid who thought he was better than everyone. Thing is, while I was still in high school, there'd be countless nights where I'd leave that building I'd pretty much call my home with that same exact expression as that man, with that intense "I want to punch something/someone" rage. And as I would get in the car, I would not be able to take any kind of worship music being played. I'd turn it down and drive home quiet. And in those drives home there would well inside me a real angsty rage for not being able to attain something ... something I'd been reaching and working my *expletive* (lol) off for, something i'd dedicated, something i'd earned and yet I would always somehow fall short and hit some kind of ceiling. I was just so effing pissed that I could never find satisfaction in this sport that I'd grown up loving. I hated it and like a drug I would keep going back to it every tuesday, every wednesday, every sunday, every chance I could. Guess you could say basketball was my crack and like any other addiction ... No matter how much everything in your body and soul cries that it's killing you, you continue to drink the poison. The most vivid feeling I remember of those days was that walk back to my car and feeling a ridiculously weighty feeling of total emptiness. Like just sheer nothingness. I absolutely hated that feeling. I never wanted to feel that again and every tuesday it would come back ... The rage would turn to angst and the angst might have even turned to tears as the conclusion would set in that on that court Jon Lau was becoming exactly who for so long he was afraid of becoming ... an angst-y kid who never grew into a man, having not recovered from the fact that he was not getting what he felt he was owed. I deserved to be the hotshot, best player there and everywhere I went. I put the work in. I loved it more. I knew it more. I studied it more. These fools don't know it like I do. They think it's just about and1 mixtape crap or using the sport for something else. And you have absolutely no handle anyway! You freakin carry the ball every time you fake! (okay I'm just being honest with where my heart's at). In the end, I immensely struggled with questioning why I wasn't good enough to have made a high school team when I'm watching people on the football team with no knowledge, skill or love for the game log starter's minutes. I'd tear these guys up in PE haha so what the freak gives? I felt like it was owed me and I was pissed that no matter how much I practiced and proved to myself and my peers that I could play, I wasn't good enough. I was pissed that God would continually not allow me to make some form of team y'know? And with every affirmation from friends and peers and the question "are you on the basketball team? oh, really? why not?" I would subtly get more and more angry. At this point I'm not sure if this can relate to the background of that man that left the gym the way I would always leave but I don't think it's too far of a stretch.

and I'm thinking ... Even though everything in me wants to scold that man who's probably more than twice my age to "GROW UP! You're supposed to be teaching us," the more I see that it's not so thin of line to see Jon Lau as the exact same person. I have been for more than a decade ... and still struggle a lot with some kind of craving to be this to attain that as if to prove something to everybody, or maybe even myself. And as I left that same familiar building tonight, something (Let's just say the 3rd person of the Trinity naw mean?) preached to me: "If not for Jesus, you are that man Jon. If not for God's patience on your evil, stubborn, idolatrous heart you are him."

I'm about to turn 21 (woohoo ...) and this guy I'm describing is probably in his forties (and dang he's pretty freakin built for his age haha). But this is where it gets hard ... It's like I hear someone yelling in my ear "Do you think I've aligned all the circumstances of on Tuesday nights, having those particular guys and their own baggage in that same particular gym you went to every Sunday for 20 years just for you to get a couple of buckets and feel good about yourself? Grow some balls Jon. You will never be good enough. That's the whole point of the cross! Grow up."

The thing about the cross of Jesus Christ is that it leaves absolutely no room to boast and absolutely no room to pity yourself. More than anything it creates ... It pushes and pulls. It sanctifies. What a truth that hurts: If not for Jesus, you are that man Jon. Despite the fact that this guy has unjustly rustled your own feathers and offended your own brother and friends for no reason, love him. Talk to him. Pray for your "enemy" and his salvation. These kinda guys are not outside of the flock.

"In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins" (1 John 4:10).

I don't even know this guy's name. I think he might have the same last name as me though haha. But if you stumble upon this, especially you ballers, please pray for God to bring guys like this to our gyms and pray for God to show them the beauty of His own perfection. There are countless men all over the areas God's placed us who are no different than him and if not for grace we are these guys. God, for the sake of Your name, save.

Jesus and us young guys.

At the end of the day, having stripped away all the theologies and the record of all that "I" have accomplished, I've just got to see and understand who this Jesus is. I've only caught glimpses and if it's wrecked my life this much for joy, how jacked up in joy could I possibly be if I actually stop wasting my time chasing after empty things that will only leave me empty and instead pursue Jesus to get more Jesus?

One thing I notice about me and my generation of young Christian men thinking of entering full-time vocational ministry and the direction we're headed ... is that we're lured oh soooo subtlely into chasing man's approval over everlasting satisfaction. Of course we've been around enough Christians to know how to dodge that accusation but I can't help but feel myself soo enamored at the thought of being thought of as someone great. It's like Genesis 11:4 all over again where the thought of being thought of as a great theological mind, or a great speaker, or a great evangelist or w/e it is with us that makes our hearts turn God from being the end to which we strive for to becoming the means to get something else. All of us young guys are turning guys like Piper and Driscoll and Chandler into our idols ... And if you're not reading/listening to them, then you're not as good as me ... That's the mentality I feel looming around us young guys considering ministry ... Where we separate people who have completed reading Desiring God from guys who haven't ... And all the sudden you have a lot of us trying to preach like Chandler or Driscoll in contexts that make no sense. I've struggled with this the moment I was exposed to Godly men such as the ones I've named and my flesh continually wrestles with this even after God's beat the idea of "Christian Hollywood" out of my brains these past 2 years.

I've found it humiliating how often the longings of my heart are bent towards wanting people's admiration as opposed to chasing Christ alone as the ends to which everything else is a means ... It reminds me of Jesus' teachings on how to pray and fast ... how he cautions "And when you pray, you must not be like the hypocrites. For they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, that they may be seen by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward" (Matthew 6:5) and again "And when you fast, do not look gloomy like the hypocrites, for they disfigure their faces that their fasting may be seen by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward" (Matthew 6:16). Ministry is one of the most dangerous covers for using God to get His stuff. Jesus rebukes this train of thought and instead instructs to pray and fast to "your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you." The question this text begs for us is whether or not we do all the ministry stuff only when we're on stage and people are watching. Even our reading of the Bible or other books or listening to sermons can be wrongly targeted for the sole purpose of being able to teach/preach well instead of relishing in the presence of God himself. What a danger. I'm scared for us ... and what Jesus might say to us who do religious things to get God's stuff instead of God (Matthew 7:21-23).

God's killing this "Christian hollywood" nonsense in me and I feel like He's beat a heck of a lot of it out but there's still a lot of junk left. There's just this lure that smells sooooo good and looks soooo good but in the end leads to death. For whatever reason, the realm of ministry doesn't magically negate us from following line for line like Genesis 3. It was a foolish thing to think it did. Our only hope is God's response to our offense ... Jesus, thank you for enduring the cross. Help us.

... Get it Lecrae:

"I know I tell lies I know I do dirt
Apart from you I'm nothing but you can give me worth
I don't know if I know you But still I know I should
I know the days are evil and only you are Good
Ive come to this conclusion I would like to change
cause all the worlds money and fame cannot sustain
I know that I should turn but thats the hardest thang
cause do I really feel that havin' Jesus is my gain
the world is so tempting Satan is a beast
he hypnotizes my eyes to say the least
But Jesus be my treasure to know you is live
and I am here dying trying everything there is
All I need here is you help me turn away from sin
Lord give me grace to turn away and the fear not to give in
I know that I'm not perfect but if I could rest in Him
I know I don't deserve it but still I'll take your hand
Lord let me take your hand"
-"Breathin' To Death" by Lecrae

Summer 2010

Sometimes you don't know what's become your idol until it's taken away and you don't dismiss the immediate reactions of your heart.

I'm finding a lot more wickedness in this heart than I wanted to know.

"This Is War"

"Recovery"

Haven't written one of those long posts in a while. Here it goes:

I haven't been as good at this as in the arena of music, but I've learned to try to get as many things that stir my heart for the beauty of Christ around me as possible. And one of those things is angst-y music.

Last Friday, July 18, Eminem came out with his new album "Recovery." I've been giving it a couple of listens and there's something going on in it whenever I hear him spit what's really on his heart. I know that like 95% of my circle of Christian friends would not even be able to listen to more than the first two tracks of Em's album without going "ew" or "geez, Jon, this isn't healthy for you man" or just be overwhelmed with the profanity in the songs. Ya, he does drop more f-words and "Mature-rated" lyrics than most of our Christian community is comfortable with. I get the warning and I take it with sincere caution because there are songs I myself just skip now ... but ya. The title of his album, "Recovery" started as a project to be a sequel of a previous album, but he changed the title, not particularly stating in an interview why, but probably to just let the music answer that question. I haven't listened to it a lot but from what I can take of what I've heard, as well as previous background I knew of Eminem, he's been in a weird cycle of emotions in the past years. With past songs talking about rivalry amongst other artists, his childhood with no father and an abusive step-father and confused young woman as his mother, and his responsibilities as a father to his daughter Haley, it's clear from the beginning of the album that Eminem isn't as playful in this album with his usual "Slim-Shady" self. Don't get me wrong, he makes plenty of sexual curse word usage in the first track, but out of the gate is a ridiculous amount of rage. I later find out that at age 37, Em is being tossed around with the weight of having to deal with his wife trying to leave him (by divorce I think), while he is trying to make it work, along with the struggle of fighting to be a good dad for his daughter. All the while he continues to struggle with identity, loneliness, and constant questioning of who he is and how he avoids mirrors to avoid coming to grips with who he's become. In the second track he begins to question if he's the only one that gets what he's saying and though his pride doesn't allow him to readily ask for help, he cries it in the chorus.

"Is anybody out there?
It feels like I'm talkin to myself
No one seems to know my struggle
And everything I come from
Can anybody hear me?
I guess I keep talkin to myself
It feels like I'm going insane
Am I the one who's crazy?"
-"Talkin 2 Myself"

Upon pondering why it is that listening to music that talks about pain, anguish, brokenness, broken relationships, oppression, injustice, and hurt stir my heart towards Christ, I realize that somewhere in the lyrics that talk about the effed-up-ness of everyday life, I realize that there is something that connects with my soul that is empathetic and knows that familiar feeling. And I know that it's a universal cry that the world gets too. Everyone gets it ... from the poorest of the poor to the richest of America. And every time I hear that agony, that pain, something whispers and nudges me "this is the brokenness that Christ came into the world to restore." Of the millions of stories of the kid that grew up with no dad, a single-mom working 3 jobs to provide for him and his brothers and sisters, and the stories of full-grown adults still not knowing what to do with life's biggest questions, to the songs that echo the cry "is there any hope" for the poor and starving on the other side of the globe, ... It all reminds me in a very real, ground level way of the reality of the effects of the fall. Right when man fell, the rest of the Bible goes on and on to tell what the fracture of shalom due to sin caused ... Right after the sin of Adam and eve, the first thing you see is bloodshed ... bloodshed of animals to provide for their clothing, the introduction of murder into history between Cain, and Abel ... and the more you read the more you see that when man fell, no matter how hard we tried, we could never do enough to repair that broken relationship with God. No matter how high we build, we always fall short and only do evil continually.

"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright because I love the way you lie, I love the way you lie, I love the way you lie"
-"Love The Way You Lie" by Eminem, Album: "Recovery"

When I hear Em spit grotesque, graphic lyrics like this, something in my soul goes "Ya, isn't this the reality of the world we live in?" When I hear that lead singer of a heavy rock band screaming his lungs out, there's that sense of absolute longing that we all can relate to as humanity. We get it. At the end of the day, when God graces us with silence and we hear nothing but our own thoughts, we get this. We get what Em is spitting.

"For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies."
-Romans 8:19-23

Music is one of the main passions I have. It moves me, stirs me, etc., and having the gospel transform the way it affects me, I don't think I can yet articulate exactly why angst-filled music does this to me. I've attempted to explain why and how it does and something in me still longs like I can't ... but I do know that whenever I listen to angst-filled music, a couple of things move in this direction:
1) It humbles me with the truth that we have failed to keep the law and that if we are ever to attain the righteousness required to have shalom again (beautiful harmony in relationship with God), it's going to take something more than the works of our hands
2) by grace, it'll lead me to remember the good news of the God-man, Jesus Christ, the one who lived the perfect life we couldn't, our righteousness, the fulfillment of the law we couldn't keep, who died the death that God would have been just in in giving over to us.
3) If by grace I understand the gospel, (and quite often I don't), it pushes me to mission. Though I'm still very much a coward, it does push me to go to places I wouldn't normally go to, hang with people I wouldn't normally hang with, meet people that aren't like me, just get to know them, build relationships with them, etc., because I'm not naive enough to think that just because I'm at baylor, there aren't people like this all around me. It's not a stretch at all for the very people I live with to be this, my neighbors to be this, the guys I ball with at the rec to be this, the people at church, my fellowship group, my classmates, my teachers, the workers in the cafeteria, the poor people that often take advantage of rich baylor kids' money.

Father, guard me from taking counsel from those who don't know You. By listening to real people's lives put to music, lead me more to the beauty and "It is finished-ness" of the cross. May it lead me to more of You and push me to more joy-filled obedience through mission. I want You. You're the goal. Help me never take my eyes off the goal. Grant me grace in all of this. Save this world from themselves. Break down souls, show them there is hope in You. Father save them. Jesus call your sheep by name. Holy Spirit open up their eyes, ears, and heart to the power of this gospel of Jesus.

Christ Rose (to save).

But where are your gods
that you made for yourself?
Let them arise, if they can save you,
in your time of trouble;
for as many as your cities
are your gods, O Judah.

-Jeremiah 2:28

The beauty in having God love you enough to tear you up is in seeing that He is the only one that saves ... When we see how worthless and powerless all other 'gods' are in the time of trouble and how worthy He is. Praise God that Christ rose.

Don't let me run away.

There's something in us that tells us that when we've sinned to run away from God, to clean up our act b4 we dare approach Him. What pride.

When God shows immense grace to expose our sin, why is our reaction always to run from Him, attempt to pay our debt and not come back to Him unless we've convinced ourselves we've sorta paid enough of it? How futile. In times like this, I have to preach to myself the gospel all over again.

“Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I came not to call the righteous, but sinners" (Mark 2:17).

"But God demonstrates His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us" (Romans 5:8)

"In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins" (1 John 4:10).

"Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need" (Hebrews 4:14-16).

Every time I am confronted with being in the wrong, my natural reaction is to somehow fix it and thereby "redeem" myself. But this is against the entire message of the Bible isn't it? What if my response to realization of sin is to look at Christ's response to it? I think that's when repentance becomes a lot more liberating. God help me. Protect me from trying to clean up my own mess. Teach me the Gospel. Help me not run from it. Grant me the humility to see Your spotless son Jesus as able to sympathize ... to see that He knows the temptation, the hurt. Grant me the humble, bold confidence to draw near to that throne of grace, especially in my struggle. I don't want to run. Grant grace and mercy to help in this time of need. Help me Father. Don't let me run away.

"Justice and Mercy"

Had a time of quiet just now and for whatever reason I was compelled and lead to read the first chapters of Genesis. While I was reading my itunes kept having this song being played. It's titled "Justice and Mercy" by Flyleaf. Listen/Look at the words. (I do prefer this acoustic version to the original but both are good :p).


-Having read the first chapters of Genesis, I too conclude with Lacey.

Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!

Sometimes I literally pause what I'm doing, put my hands in front of me, stare at them, and conclude ... "nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh."

18: "For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.

21 So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. 22 For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, 23 but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. 24 Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? 25 Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin."
-Romans 7:18-25

Temptations are strong. The flesh is so weak. Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord!

More than mere confession.

We can say "We have sinned" (Numbers 14:40, Deuteronomy 1:41), and yet still turn back from following the LORD (Numb. 14:43).

In my journey through Numbers and Deuteronomy, as well as life in general, I've been learning that repentance involves more than mere confession of sin. Scripture seems to be pressing more tightly on me that repentance demands direct action and obedience in faith. This is where it gets hard for me. I know that continual repentance is essential ("When our Lord and Master, Jesus Christ, said "Repent", He called for the entire life of believers to be one of repentance" ... Thanks Luther), and the thing is I'm a good confessor ... I really am haha. But this is where it gets really difficult for me. This is where I usually file a sin deep into the back, hoping to forget it's there and that it will somehow die on its own. This is my sin. Towards the second half of the semester on, God's been resurfacing some brokenness and sin that I didn't know was there ... Sins and situations that I didn't know I was still hurting from ... People I need to reconcile with. The other night I got out of bed and finally wrote down people's names that I needed to ask forgiveness from and people I needed to forgive. That list still remains with little progress.

I know, in the end, this is for my joy and liberation yet my heart doesn't believe it. I can blame it on my mind going "but these people will totally go haywire and think I'm some sort of freak if I do this ... I mean it was 'no big deal' Jon. Let it go. You'll forget about it soon enough," but in the end, I just have a hard time believing God knows what's best for me. I think I know better. Father, help my unbelief. I want to walk in obedience. I really do and I can't seem to do what I want to do and the sin I don't want to do, I keep doing. So help this sinner. Help Your untrusting Son's unrepentant heart. Grant me repentance that leads to LIFE.
-Jon

Dreams, My Ancestry and Acts 17.

So I'm basically done with finals at the moment and was faced with making a decision today after dinner ... a) play basketball, b) read, c) study for a test that has no bearing on my GPA, d) sleep.

I chose choice d for a variety of reasons ... Mainly that option b made me tired. I just don't know how to explain dreams but somehow I woke up and was like "God does still speak in dreams." I'm not sure how church people view dreams and how or if God uses em today but ya. I've had moments like these before in High School but I haven't been this sure about God speaking through them. It's just that I woke up and my heart and mind were in a different place than when I woke. And after that followed a good brotherly chat with my apartment-mate. I do treasure our talks at night. I know I'm a bitter, unapproachable person and it can be that way for weeks or months but this guy doesn't care. He is one of the most excited people I know when it comes to God showing him something ... He always shares it and I love that about him (though when I'm bitter and unapproachable, I don't sometimes haha ... What? Just being honest ...). Today the convo just happened and it started as it normally does with one of us in need of reminder of God's faithfulness, despite all that's going on ... and the conclusion had us both going "man ... God is good. How does He orchestrate things the way He does?" It's just so beautiful ... How God aligns things so perfectly where I can echo Joseph when he says to his brothers: "It was not you who sent me here, but God" (Genesis 45:8). And I'm not sure why this connects with my ancestry but God has so perfectly done something awesome through generations ... This passage just resounds with me right now ...

Acts 17:22-34 ...

So Paul, standing in the midst of the Areopagus, said: “Men of Athens, I perceive that in every way you are very religious. For as I passed along and observed the objects of your worship, I found also an altar with this inscription, ‘To the unknown god.’ What therefore you worship as unknown, this I proclaim to you. The God who made the world and everything in it, being Lord of heaven and earth, does not live in temples made by man, nor is he served by human hands, as though he needed anything, since he himself gives to all mankind life and breath and everything. And he made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined allotted periods and the boundaries of their dwelling place, that they should seek God, in the hope that they might feel their way toward him and find him. Yet he is actually not far from each one of us, for

“‘In him we live and move and have our being’;

as even some of your own poets have said,

“‘For we are indeed his offspring.’

Being then God's offspring, we ought not to think that the divine being is like gold or silver or stone, an image formed by the art and imagination of man. The times of ignorance God overlooked, but now he commands all people everywhere to repent, because he has fixed a day on which he will judge the world in righteousness by a man whom he has appointed; and of this he has given assurance to all by raising him from the dead.”

Now when they heard of the resurrection of the dead, some mocked. But others said, “We will hear you again about this.” So Paul went out from their midst. But some men joined him and believed, among whom also were Dionysius the Areopagite and a woman named Damaris and others with them.

I immediately thought about verse 26 upon my reflections but after looking at verse 22-34, I really believe God's showing me something through this. The main reflection and awe came from verse 26-27. Something about that really stirs my heart up and ya, verse 32-33 has held true too throughout. It's just that I'm beginning to see this Christianity thing beyond my own minimized world and time period y'know? I've started to reflect on my ancestry, particularly "Lau" males ... and something about Acts 17 stirs in my heart a great deal of hope and a greater assurance of how divine this book is. It's so true and so beautiful. A generation goes, and a generation comes, but God is still God through it all. There really is nothing new under the sun. Despite each generation's vain ambitions and rebellion against God, I'm seeing just how He lavishes grace upon grace. It really is that ... All of this ... From that awesome 4 hour nap, my Chinese Lau heritage that now has me in Waco, Texas, etc., ... All of this ... It's favor and blessing given to a sinner who deserved none of it. Grace.

Grace (in Hosea?)

I have a lot of weight on my heart and it feels as though it's being pressed and stomped on. Does that sound like a high school bitter breakup song lyric? Heh, it doesn't intend to. At the moment I have to just make a decision to let things be or to get my hands dirty, actively war against my sin of omission, and obey. I'm seeing just the reality of life all around me and the implications and the urgency of the time right now as it is and I feel the Holy Spirit going "Come on, get in on this. Obey, not to quench guilt, but lead you to life."

I constantly go back and forth in my walk with being the licentious guy or the legalist. One minute I have a hard time believing God would love this sinner and the next second I think "Why wouldn't God love me?" One second I'm the tax collector and sinner, the outcast, and the next I'm the pharisee manipulating the Bible to exalt myself. It's a funny thing where God's placed me right now ... Baylor University that is. In the end, my prayer would be what God the Holy Spirit revealed to me yesterday.

I've been reading Hosea lately ... Ya the book in the Bible where God starts off chapter one by calling everyone "whores" and continues the theme throughout, firstly by telling Hosea to "take a wife of whoredom" who would later be found to be Gomer haha. Oh, and then when they had children, God told them to name the children: Jezreel, No Mercy, and Not my People ... This is the book I just finished looking at the other day and somehow I saw the grace of Christ upon reading this:

11 Because Ephraim has multiplied altars for sinning,
they have become to him altars for sinning.
12 Were I to write for him my laws by the ten thousands,
they would be regarded as a strange thing.
13 As for my sacrificial offerings,
they sacrifice meat and eat it,
but the Lord does not accept them.
Now he will remember their iniquity
and punish their sins;
they shall return to Egypt.
14 For Israel has forgotten his Maker
and built palaces,
and Judah has multiplied fortified cities;
so I will send a fire upon his cities,
and it shall devour her strongholds.
-Hosea 8:11-14

At this point, I'm thinking ... what the freak man? What kinda grace is that? I'm at a point where my sin is literally ever before me. I'm beginning to see sin in such a way that transcends me. Like, I'm seeing the same sin dwelling within me that I've seen for years in my dad and in some ways in my brother too. I'm beginning to feel the effects of this disease in me and the more I look at myself and reflect on what thoughts I actually think during the day, it's not really a stretch for me to be able to relate to verse 11. I testify to my struggle with believing and trust in grace as the tax collector at the moment, as the sinner at the moment; the guy who sins and sins and sins and feels like an altar for sinning. So what is my hope? And the grace I saw in that text is the last part where it goes "Judah has multiplied fortified cities; so I will send a fire upon his cities, and it should devour her strongholds." Right now I have a hard time believing my peers will get me when I say this, but I built a crapload of fortified cities. When God the Holy Spirit is convicting me of sin and pleading me to turn from it and instead turn to Christ, my response is to do the easy thing: read my Bible more, spark emotions of guilt, listen to another sermon, blog about justification by grace alone (...heh...sorta kidding), etc. The reason this text gives me hope and gratitude is because I know that Jesus will not let me off easy like that.

So my prayer right now is to walk in the reality of what God showed me yesterday afternoon ... that if you take away and burn down all the little fortresses of theology and Bible knowledge and "service" I try to hide behind, that if you destroy all the puny thrones I try to take my seat upon, all I'm left with is me ... sinner Jonathan Lau, naked and exposed in the wilderness and wasteland of my own sin; starved, thirsty, broken, scarred, enslaved and unable to free himself; hopelessly in need of saving. And it's here that I see so clearly why my only hope is that cross upon which my Savior died ... Because in that moment Christ cried out "It is finished" I hear the Holy Spirit bidding me to believe that my iniquity was crushed with him and a life of righteousness has been made alive in Him. This is how God the Holy Spirit showed me grace. Thanks Hosea.

My Cry

We are so broken. I don't know what other word would describe it better. Broken. We're more broken than we know. We're so stained with the filth of our past. So scarred. There's so much baggage we carry. We're so desperately broken. Point us to that cross Father. Please. God, grant repentance that leads to life. We've made other things and other people our source of joy and life and by grace You're taking these things and having them self-destruct in our faces ... whatever they may be. Be our all-satisfaction God. You're enough. You're worth it. You're worth it. You're life. You're our chief end. You're our prize. You're our reward. You're the good news.

Encourage this weary, tired soul. Sometimes I just don't want to believe that only You save and only You can transform hearts. It'd be so much easier if I could do a checklist of things to accomplish this or that but this is not how You crafted it. So in the midst of my doubt, anxiety, and vast unbelief, Father, hear my cry to call these people to Yourself for Your namesake. Show off Your power in transforming hearts. If I'm honest, I just feel like it's all so hopeless ... That there's no way. Please father, humiliate me with a demonstration of Your power.

Glorify Yourself Father. Hear my cry.

Become/Becoming

High School Junior Jon once said in a small group: "I'm afraid of the man I'm becoming" ... almost 4 years later I ask myself: Who have I become? Who am I becoming?

Hiding Behind the Curtain of Religion

I was dozing on and off (and I got more rest than usual! gahhh!) in my philosophy and religion class today and the topic was the existence of evil and the implications of that with the existence of God. It got me thinking and recalling some of the things I had learned in a book I have called "The Reason for God" by Tim Keller. After looking through the chapter on suffering (I think I'll have fun with the paper that's due sometime soon ...), I began flipping through the pages and came across a profound truth from looking at the story of Jekyll and Hyde (it's blowing my mind right now) but as I kept reading I saw this underlined section:

"Sin and evil are self-centeredness and pride that lead to oppression against others but there are two forms of this. One form is being very bad and breaking all the rules, and the other form is being very good and keeping all the rules and becoming self-righteous. There are two ways to be your own Savior and Lord. The first is by saying, "I am going to live my life the way I want." The second is described by Flannery O'Connor, who wrote about one of her characters, Hazel Motes, that "he knew that the best way to avoid Jesus was to avoid sin." If you are avoiding sin and living morally so that god will have to bless and save you, then ironically, you may be looking to Jesus as a teacher, model, and helper but you are avoiding him as Savior. You are trusting in your own goodness rather than in Jesus for your standing with god. You are trying to save yourself by following Jesus."

I forget who said that "religion can be the very thing we use to run away from God" ... but I think if I'm honest, I have been running ... and I guess, by grace, I'm running out of gas.

I wrote a paper last year titled "Easier to Run," titled after a Linkin Park song of all things haha. It still holds true. I've been hiding behind the curtain of my religiosity. And as much as I use my theology to cover it up and justify my religion by saying how "Christocentric" and "Gospel-centered" this and that is, in the end, I'm using the name of Jesus to justify my sin in order to avoid him at all costs. "The best way to avoid Jesus is to avoid sin ... [I'm] trying to save [myself] by following Jesus." Jesus, save me from me. Tear the veil that I try my damnedest to hide behind.

"And this is the judgment: the light has come into the world, and people loved the darkness rather than the light because their works were evil. For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his works should be exposed."
-John 3:19-20

Beautiful Name

I don't know how this all will turn out.
But I'm seeing more and more how beautiful is the name of Jesus.

Help me God, I don't trust You in this.

God, guard my heart against the bitterness of the feeling of subtle betrayal. Don't let this creep into more sin.

I'm such a coward. I'm gripped with fear and my insecurities chain me. My unbelief is robbing me from life. Jesus help me. Empower me. Help me imitate Paul as he imitated Christ:

"And I was with you in weakness and in fear and much trembling, and my speech and my message were not in plausible words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God."
-2 Corinthians 2:3-5

Legalism v. License

Baylor, let us be wary not to harp so much condemnation on the Pharisee, lest we become what we condemn.

Pray for me.

I'm overwhelmingly discouraged about a lot of things right now. My relationship with academics has been so calloused for this entire sophomore year. I hate it and the more I pray and try to do the disciplines to help me get back on track, I seem to still fail and fail. I feel God bidding me to draw near to that throne of grace but it's getting harder everyday. God help this hardened heart. It doesn't trust You. It's frustrating.

Desperate

You ever been in this place in life? Where the sin in your life puts you in this unbelievable amount of weight and shame? Where you don't even want to get out of bed and you can't stare at yourself in the mirror? Where the Gospel which you clung to so tightly is now so hard to believe and put faith in? God help us. Bring us back to that cross, where our sinful nature was crucified too.

"I'm so desperate, I can't believe I've sinned against you
Create in me a clean heart (I'm so sorry)
Your mercy is what I need"
-Lecrae ("Desperate") and Psalm 51

My prayer

"And now, Lord, look upon their threats and grant to your servants to continue to speak your word with all boldness, while you stretch out your hand to heal, and signs and wonders are performed through the name of your holy servant Jesus.” And when they had prayed, the place in which they were gathered together was shaken, and they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and continued to speak the word of God with boldness."
-Acts 4:29-31

Good readin'

"Prayer is the antidote for the disease of self-confidence, which opposes God's goal of getting glory by working for those who wait for Him. 'The eyes of the LORD run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to give strong support to those whose heart is blameless towards him' (2 Chronicles 16:9). God is not looking for people to work for Him so much as He is looking for people who will let Him work for them. The gospel is not a help-wanted ad. Neither is the call to Christian service. On the contrary, the gospel commands us to give up and hang out a help-wanted sign (this is the basic meaning of prayer). Then the gospel promises that God will work for us if we do. He will not surrender the glory of being the Giver. But is there not anything we can give Him that won't belittle Him to the status of beneficiary? Yes-our anxieties. It's a command: '[Cast] all your anxieties on him' (1 Peter 5:7). God will gladly receive anything from us that shows our dependence and His all-sufficiency."
"The difference between Uncle Sam and Jesus Christ is that uncle Sam won't enlist you in his service unless you are healthy and Jesus won't enlist you unless you are sick: 'Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I came not to call the righteous but the sinners' (Mark 2:17). Christianity is fundamentally convalescence ('Pray without ceasing' = Keep buzzing the nurse). Patients do not serve their physicians. They trust them for good prescriptions. The Sermon on the Mount and the Ten Commandments are the Doctor's prescribed health regimen, not the employee's job description."
-"Desiring God" by John Piper, Pg. 173 - latter half of "God Works For Those Who Wait For Him" and first part of "The Difference Between Uncle Sam and Jesus Christ"

*Pounds fist with J-pip ...* thanks be to God for this truth. I rejoice in the fact that God will not surrender the glory of being the all-sufficient Giver. I'm glad and uneasily thankful that God destroys the little thrones we make that want to make us the all-satisfying giver as if God needed the works of human hands. He's too glorious and awesome to need us. We need You God. Give us more of Yourself. May our hearts be honest enough to admit our helplessness and our undying desperate need for more of You. Help us. Hear our hearts' cry.

Sins of Omission -> Collateral damage

I'm confronted with the truth that sins of omission have collateral damage for the entire body of Christ.

Help me obey You Father. Help me trust You know what You're doing. Help me believe this is for my good and Your glory

Overcome calloused hearts and deaf ears.

"What is the Gospel?"

Hebrews 12.

Hebrews 12 just might be the most significant passage of text for me this past semester and the next.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.
-Hebrews 12:1-2

He's been so good through it all. God, help me.