Winter Retreat 2005 -> Winter Retreat 2009

It's hard to believe the journey God's blessed me with in my first 2 decades of life. I find it hard to believe that this will be my second year as a counselor to middle school and high school kids for my church's annual winter retreat. Some life-changing moments occurred when I was the camper receiving wisdom from a counselor. My first winter retreat was the second time where God just absolutely tore me up for His glory and though I didn't know it then, my joy.

I'm praying that one of my closest friends would get broken by God's grace like he did about 4 years ago when he shared one of the most uneasy sharings of truth during the campfire. Oh, how my hearts breaks for your indifference. You're settling and I'm worried that You've missed it. God help us.

It's so weird to see how God's grown me since then. It's hard and sometimes I don't want to think about the me back then. But at the end of the day, when it's all said and done I can say that nothing was owed to me, nothing deserved. Nothing was mine to claim. It's all been a gift from God to a sinner that for whatever reason got grace instead of wrath. I know what I deserve(d). Instead of death, I got life.
-2 Corinthians 5:17 was the theme verse that year I believe.

Perhaps God would do something mighty and great for this seemingly short span of 4 days. And with all that's going on, I have my doubts and fears and insecurities. Asking and expecting such weighty things seems ... frankly, impossible. But I think this is more the context of what Jesus meant when he said to the rich young ruler "What is impossible with men is possible with God." He saves.

Father, we beg for You to move, shape, transform, and in some ways absolutely destroy us and brutally expose us. We don't want to play games. When we stop playing we know that there's more to life than what we're settling for. Help us. We need You. Do something mighty for Your namesake and our joy. We ask for Christ-like endurance and we ask for You to grant us the steadfast love You've shown to sinners like ourselves. Help us have compassion. Help us fix all our hopes and lives on that cross. We're so so prone to lose focus of it and look at shiny toys. May the gospel be rich and weighty Father. Lay it down hard on each of us. And may it lead to genuine, open, honest community where we meet regularly to celebrate Jesus. We desperately desperately need it. We need You. Grant us repentance in some of the dark parts of our hearts. We don't want to rob ourselves any longer. Father, help me personally feel some of the weight in all this. I can't afford to be passive and indifferent in this. Stir me up, break me down and help me cling harder, and plead with more pain. Create in me a heart that doesn't contradict my mind. I pray and beg all of this in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Exposed

"In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins."
-1 John 4:10

Nothing I do can add to this great salvation. It's too glorious for that.
Not what I do. What He did.

For about a year now, I've been praying that by grace, God might expose me and my heart (where it doesn't trust Him). I do this for fear of that verse in the first chapter in Luke where Mary sings that "God has scattered the proud in the thoughts of their hearts." And as I prayed this last night, it wasn't until an hour or two ago that God exposed something deep deep within my soul that I had not ever had the courage to recognize and admit.

My heart believes that God loves a future version of me that knows more, has done more, that loves him more. Something still doesn't believe that God loves me right now, exactly who I am, with all my baggage and scars and "hidden" sin. And if I'm honest, something in my innermost being thinks that He only loves a future me that somehow ... mystically is some super Christian guy who knows all the theology, saves multitudes of people ranging from the ghetto to the suburbs, has all the answers to every single question, and feeds the poor daily out of sheer selfless compassion. And in hindsight I know and have seen that study of God is beautiful, feeding the poor is joyous, and loving and delighting in Him is where true living is found, but something tugs at me that these things, wonderful and life-fulfilling as they are, are not the gospel of Jesus Christ. What justifies this sinner before a holy God whose infinite perfection demands holiness is not what I've done, what I do, or what I intend to do. The gospel of Jesus Christ is what's already been done through the cross of Jesus Christ alone.

I feel as if I have to continually and violently keep preaching this to myself because my heart is continually and violently on the fringe. It always wants to believe that God will love me if ... That God will love me when ... And it fails to recognize the truth that He's already paid the price. He's 100% canceled the debt. He's completely purchased my righteousness by his blood. The deed has been done. All that I have ever done, all that I am doing and intend to do ... It's nothing because at the end of the day, I'll know that I'm a sinner. Even if everything in my vainest ambitions comes true ... Even if all my lost friends and strangers come to know Christ, it doesn't take away from the fact that I'm a sinner. And in the face of all this, in the middle of this muddle, I hear something whisper me these words:

"It is finished."
-Jesus (John 19:30)

Father, I pray that you continue to expose this wicked, rebellious, lustful, untrusting heart. Help it understand the beauty and power of the cross and what it accomplished. I'm afraid that my heart is just so arrogant and far from seeing that You love now, sinner that I am. I have trouble understanding the truth that with all the sin I commit daily, hourly, I can still be called your son. I am continually inclined to believe that You'll love when I do this, understand that, or attain this and I'm in desperate need of Your grace to keep relentlessly colliding me with the cross. Keep exposing me. I'm infinitely more proud than I know and only You can overcome it. Help me.

Christmas

I am what I am, not because of what I've done, what I do, or what I try to do. I am what I am by what's already been done through God's Son, Jesus Christ.

As Christmas day is approaching in an hour or two from now, I was looking through facebook and saw this on my live feed:

"The greatest and most momentous fact which the history of the world records is the fact of his birth."
-Charles Spurgeon

And as much as we war and toil to remember "what Christmas is about" we have to admit that there are a billion more things fighting for our attention especially during the Christmas season . All the Christmas-y feelings and traditions and whatnot seem to confuse me more than anything. With all the hopes of snow, all the presents under the tree, all the red and green, all the food that's being prepared, it's hard to remember that the mission from the start of Jesus' life on this earth was to fulfill the law by being nailed to a cross. And upon looking at this all too familiar truth, it begins to almost bring a hammer down and shatter a lot of traditions and empty hopes. Praise God for the death-defeating resurrection of Christ. I think this is the grounds for celebration. May the joys of presents, snow, and time spent with family stem from this. Our portion, our joy, our delight and satisfaction ... is found in Him. Let's rejoice in God.

The gospel of Jesus Christ always overwhelmingly shames this "are you naughty or nice" Santa Clause Christmas crap. Let us remember what we're rejoicing in.

*Note to future Jon: Don't let your kids buy into the Santa Clause crap. I think it's crept into our doctrine way way way more than we'd want to admit. Teach them about the grandeur and beauty of Jesus Christ.

Post-movie Reflections

So I watched the movie "Rachel Getting Married" (2008) last night as I had this whole apartment to myself last night ... and there was a point in the movie that the main character, Kym, shared this while in a recovery-like group for those struggling with addiction:

"When I was sixteen, I was babysitting my little brother. And I was, um... I had taken all these Percocet. And I was unbelievably high and I... we had driven over to the park on Lakeshore. And he was in his red socks just running around in these piles of leaves. And, um, he would bury me and I would bury him in the leaves. And he was pretending that he was a train. And so he was charging through the leaves, making tracks, and I was the caboose, and I was, um... so he kept saying, coal, caboose! Coal, caboose! And, um, we were... it was time to go and I was driving home... and... I lost control of the car. And drove off the bridge. And the car went into the lake. And I couldn't get him out of his car seat. And he drowned. And I struggle with God so much, because I can't forgive myself. And I don't really want to right now. I can live with it, but I can't forgive myself. And sometimes I don't want to believe in a God that could forgive me. But I do want to be sober. I'm alive and I'm present and there's nothing controlling me. If I hurt someone, I hurt someone. I can apologize, and they can forgive me... or not. But I can change. And I just wanted to share that and say congratulations that God makes you look up, I'm so happy for you, but if he doesn't, come here. That's all. Thank you."

And I have to ask myself ... Are there any parts of my hearts that does not want to believe in the forgiveness of God? Is there any pride that says God couldn't possibly love this sinner? That He'd forfeit his perfect nature by forgiving all the wrong I've done? Is there anything in me that doesn't believe in the forgiveness and love of God?

Kym got it. She got the truth that in all that she was, she was evil and in the wrong 100%. You have to see the movie to see just how ugly everything is because of the fall. In every sphere of life for that family ... was a twisted view of all that God created. Man did the movie capture just how twisted and broken we are because of our rebellion. And even though the family generally consisted of moral people, they were all jacked up and dirty. If you were to have coffee with this family, they'd look to be the ideal family but once you're in the middle of it, you begin to see that none of us is better than each other. I wonder how different this is in real life.

I think this is where we start. If we come to grips with reality and who we are at the core of our beings as people on this earth, I think it wouldn't take long to see that we're utterly hopeless. No matter how hard we try, or how well we can discipline ourselves, the truth remains that we're constantly in need help. We're constantly in need of saving from. If we don't start here and continually remember our perversity, then what Christ did on the cross doesn't mean much because if righteousness could be gained by upholding some kind of moral standard, then the cross becomes dispensable.

"Where the trespass increased, grace increased all the more."

I think if we're honest, more of us are the leper and the paralytic and the tax collector than we want to admit. Some of us have parts in our hearts where, though like Jonah, recognize God's grace, mercy, forgiveness, and steadfast love, simply don't want to accept it. Father, Save us sinners from ourselves. Help us stop relentlessly going to other things to numb You from us. Our darkness is afraid to come into the light and we hate it, but expose us anyway. Help us.
-Jon

Transition

Coming into this year, I had no clue how sophomore year of college would be. In summary, it's been incredibly difficult. I've been tried and tested over and over again. Patience has worn thin, pride has been rampant, anger has been there. Lots of nights of confusion, doubt, questions, etc. My emotions even while I write this are flailing in so many different directions that I hadn't really known before.

My hearts more untrusting and unbelieving and cold than I'd like to admit. The passion has had some periods of wilderness. The scriptures haven't been my food as I wished they would be. My hearts largely been disobedient to a head that knows what God is calling me to do. Laziness has plagued.

But, thank God there's a "but." Yes I'm all shattered, confused, and broken about so many things going on but I'm very thankful for the grace that points me to the heart of who I am: a redeemed sinner. By grace, may my eyes be fixed to that cross. It's all I've got. It's my only hope. Praise God for its power.

Father, help my cold, hardened, heart. Expose where it's not trusting You. Pry my hands off of all this crap that it foolishly clings to. Attach them to You. I need You. Where I've been habitually disobedient and sinful, help me see this and repent of it. Help me see the power of the cross, the power and authority of Your name. Help us all Father. We're more broken than we ever want to admit. Help us see the victory in the cross. Help us long for You. Kill our lazy indifference. We want to love You more.

Merry Christmas all. Thank God for birthing His perfect, spotless, son, Jesus, into this unclean and perverse world. Oh how beautiful is the rescuer of sinners.

He's Better.

"I know of no other way to triumph over sin long-term than to gain a distaste for it because of a superior satisfaction in God."
-John Piper -> "Desiring God"

He's better.

(p.s. The book is going to take a lot more wrestling through than I anticipated. I find myself having to reread and reread and reread. I've been blessed with such awesome additional resources.)

Two Important Questions

As learned from a pastor who has been a huge driving force in growing in my love for Christ, there are two questions that have begun to help grow me and push me towards holiness by making me cut the crap of the games i play and honestly look at my heart: "What stirs your affections for Jesus Christ?" and "What robs you of your affections for Jesus Christ?".

Obviously being immersed in the Word and prayer will be there for #1 and blatant sin will always rob us ... but as taught by the same pastor, most of the time what robs us is morally neutral things (things most people wouldn't state as immoral) ... They take a bit of courage for me to recognize and register and I think this list changes faster than I comprehend at the moment. But anyway ... it helps for me to write it out and I'd encourage everyone to do the same. In no way does doing these things or abstaining from these things automatically make me more holy or anything, nor will anyone's lists look exactly the same. But I believe by warring to surround ourselves with what stirs us up for Christ and declare war against the things that rob us of it, it would only "better position ourselves under the waterfall of grace."

1) What stirs my affections for Jesus Christ:
-late nights where I'm the only one awake and it's totally quiet. This is usually when I get my best studying done.
-music and movies that have a lot of angst and portray the brokenness of man in an honest and simple/understandable way.
-listening to "embracing accusation" by shane and shane ... it's a brutal/beautiful reminder of who I am and what Christ has done despite knowing who I am.
-listening to sermons by matt chandler, along with a few others
-long walks by myself in locations I'm at often ... when no one else is awake and about ... where I reflect and audibly pray.
-taking a step back from whatever I'm doing and observing people. Usually the eyes tell a lot of different stories and it fires me up to keep going.
-Reminiscing the past ... reading old journal entries, looking at old pictures, visiting old familiar places
-Small everyday discomforts ... Initially I'll complain/question why I do them sometimes but eventually it helps remind me that my citizenship, my home is in heaven and not here.
-good food with friends and/or family. this will involve meat and soda most of the time ...
-late night chats with brothers in Christ ... about Christ.
-Driving by myself
-Traveling
-Reading in general

2) What robs me of my affections for Jesus Christ:
-hours of facebook, youtube, blog sites, clutchfans, etc. These things can be good outlets for the other category as well but I'll find myself going "what did I just do the last 3 hours!?"
-basketball
-Watching television shows regularly
-Playing video games for extended amounts of time
-Not getting enough rest (paradoxical in ways with my late nights)
-Retreating myself/fleeing from community ... they lead to self-pity.
-drumming ... I find myself thinking too much about technique more than the God I'm playing for. Like a lot of the things on this list, this is subtle, making it more dangerous
-constant comparing myself to others
-lying in bed too long (oversleeping or just resting there for too long)
-lack of any plan for intentional time management
-putting things under the scope of religion rather than Jesus.
-blogging too much ... ha
-Apathy towards everyday word choice
-Hours of empty conversations (esp. with believers)
-Letting the name of Jesus be used more in context of jokes than in worship and awe.

*I'll try to update this after 6 month intervals ... But something tells me I'll have already felt this to be outdated soon.*

What stirs your affections for Jesus Christ?

What robs you of those affections?

So far ...

Scattered: It has been an incredibly scattered semester for me as I am in the middle of my second year of college at Baylor University. There doesn't ever seem to be a rhythm for me to catch myself and get going. I constantly don't have the same feeling of things that used to bring me pleasure. When I walk alone, I constantly keep hearing in my head "I don't belong here. I wasn't made for here." And at the same time there is an absolute weight put on me for things bigger than me, bigger than us. I don't know how to describe that. It's just unbelievably painful and leaves me unsatisfied and full of angst to the point where I want to scream and cry at the same time. And as I'm getting to know more people and understanding and seeing the scars of their past that has resulted in bitterness (specifically bitterness towards certain groups of the people in church), on top of older friends who all have their own deals going on, I can't but feel utterly alone. No one ever tells you that growing in Christ leaves you with a lot of dark days of the soul. No one ever tells you that growing in Christ, knowing that your citizenship is in heaven and not here on earth, would leave you feeling like an alien in a foreign land. Somehow though the Bible is astoundingly clear that "Every man who desires to live a Godly life will be persecuted," I haven't heard this taught much.

Sanctification: has been absolutely brutal and especially harsh this last month or so. By grace, God is humbling me in such a way that it leaves me incredibly humiliated. I don't know as much as I thought. No matter how hard I try, I can't get people to love Jesus and war for His glory alongside me. I struggle with wanting to contextualize Jesus to be more attractive and trusting in the 100% sufficiency of the scriptures ... I struggle with constantly comparing myself to others, nullifying the offense of the cross. I struggle with the daily battle of walking in obedience and compassion when I am talked down as a child by a person who is lost in his own pride. And I'm competitive by nature so too many a time I find myself having to repent for competition ... religious competition. Stupid, pointless, God-belittling, cross-nullifying sin ay?

So as part of my role for a campus fellowship group/organization (Asians for Christ) I co-lead a small group of older guys and girls and by God's grace, it has been going fairly well. It was progressing and the gospel was weighing in on people's hearts oh so slowly. This past week, however, was easily the most dry, most empty, monologue (you never want a small group to be this ...) of a meeting. Mel and I had studied the passage earlier and were kinda excited about what God would do through it, yet for some reason, God didn't bring our usual group of people due to mid-term week I suppose, and instead brought others who didn't say a word the whole time. Frustrated and frazzled, I try (present tense) to not let it get to me. I preach to myself that the transforming work of the gospel doesn't solely lie on my ability to facilitate and communicate a text. I wrestle with knowing and trusting God's sovereignty in this and that it wasn't some kind of punishment that God had out for me that small group this week was the most frustratingly stale one this year. After that brutally agonizing, long-suffering hour and a half of dead-silent bible study, I'd never felt and related with a biblical character so close as I did with the prophet Jeremiah in that moment. There were a lot of thoughts and many texts in the Bible that read that moment in time but really ... all I can do is war to walk faithfully in obedience with the talents given me, even if no one but 2 hear the message ... but man, it's extremely tough.

Grace: I still am being affected by all these things I've mentioned but I really am thankful in the grace and mercy of God that I can see and have faith in all of these factors being part of my progressive sanctification. Broken, confused, wicked soul that I am, I can see all of this being God's process of purifying me, plundering/restoring my heart, and growing me to be the man He's bidding me to be. I know myself enough to know that this isn't something I can take credit for and pat myself on the back for. There are countless areas that my heart doesn't want Christ to take hold of. There will probably be a lot more instances of humiliating repentance. But through it all, scattered mind, lustful heart, wicked soul that I am, the gospel of Jesus Christ, splattered and cut to pieces on a cross in spite of my offense and rebellion ... This has sustained me.

Need: The gospel will never be something that we know well enough to not need anymore. It is for both the unbeliever and the believer. I'm learning this with large amounts of frustration, angst, and thankfulness. I don't trust God in a lot of areas in my life. I care, think about, and value who I'm going to be way more than I do for the glory and renown of the God of the universe. But by grace, Jesus keeps relentlessly attacking (plundering?) my heart.

Begging: I'm begging for God to weigh in more heavily on this heart of mine and I'm praying for the gospel of Jesus Christ, as proclaimed from the scriptures, to transform and 180 the lives of the people around me ... from the skeptical agnostic to the church goer who knows enough about Jesus to not want more, to the person who adores a god they have made up and is not found in the scriptures ...

Collision: All these forces (and perhaps many more) are colliding right now with the gospel of Jesus and somehow I'm seeing more of Jesus' saving work through this ... That He, by sheer grace, with a jealousy to take back what is rightfully His, would bind Satan, and rescue sinners who deserve to die, restoring them from once dead sinners to adopted sons ... All that is going on, every thought, every sinful tendency of my wicked heart, every area where I think I am smarter than God in ... All of it is colliding with this gospel. The only reason I can keep going is because of this. All of life comes down to this. May my response of his response to my offense be an aroma pleasing to the Lord. Hallelujah for the cross.

God help us for Your namesake.

"Goodness Gracious."

Ever get hit by God's grace in such a way that it leaves you unnerved and overwhelmed because for some reason He's been so good to you despite you? I'm in a weird season in life and this is a part of it. It demands a response of stewardship. I guess in my situation, I should go play basketball more ... (For some reason, scrawny, lanky kid that I am, God protects me from injury time and time again).

I don't know how to describe how I'd answer the great question "How's life?". It's far from tedious. It's not really excitement upon excitement, but I quite enjoy where I'm at right now ... with all its messiness and my imperfections getting rubbed against, and collided with the perfect God-man, Jesus. I'm thankful that salvation isn't a one-time, one and done, time to do whatever deal ... but that God continually saves us from ourselves. It hurts. It produces agony, angst, and frustration but this is nothing new. Hebrews 11, especially verse 32 on ... and in particular, the last part, really stirs my heart up and strengthens me to keep going. The part "of whom the world was not worthy" (11:38) ... man, I love those verses that has that confidence, that assurance, that powerful, conquering faith that like Paul in Philippians says "What then?" (Philippians 1:18).

So I finally bought a handheld Bible the other day ... I've been kinda lurking (wrong word choice?) around the Baylor bookstore, looking for a good Bible on sale, and I finally found one! It was a New King James version (which I was sorta looking for anyway) and it was only $10! Anyway, one thing I noticed ... the equivalent for the ESV and perhaps NIV's word for "perseverance" is "long suffering" in the NKJV. I found that humourous in a way, and was like "hmm, that totally makes sense."

So I've been trying to get through Jonah lately, and one thing I learned that quite "whoa" ... The "great fish" was an agent for salvation, not an agent for punishment! I never knew that! I always thought Jonah was trippin' thus God done got a big ol' fish to eat that fool and puke him out later. It never occurred to me that the fish was an agent for grace instead of an agent of wrath. It opens up a lot of questions and requires more study of the character of God through just this first chapter or two. Aiya. Random, I'm kinda finding myself very interesting with the flood metaphors ... stuff with a huge, relentlessly violent body of water consuming people. I loved the imagery of fire (and us as the wood) in my study of Jeremiah before, but water has its own element of fear too. I like it.

Random again, I've been reminiscing quite a bit lately. How the heck did I get to where I am today? It blows my mind because man ... It's all God's grace.

Goodness gracious, this is long. Yay random things. Grace and peace BASIC,
-Jon

Sanctification

It's process ... and a slow one at that. I thank God for it through my frustrations though.

Every week seems to be like a new one ... Like what I mean by that is that my life isn't really setting itself up for routine or any kind of regularity which can be both helpful and hurtful. I'm just going at this a day at a time ... trying to usher myself under the waterfall of God's grace. I fail a lot but I'm fighting.

God's good all the time.

Let's war together BASIC.
-Jon

The Deed Has Been Done

One thing I can always find rest in when my mind begins to unravel and betray me is that when you cut all the crap, Christianity at its basis is uniquely distinct and set apart from all other religions in that it preaches what has already been done rather than what we can do.

Why does this comfort me so much? I've only lived 20 years but even an arrogant, pointlessly rebellious 20 year old like myself is not naive enough to think that somehow humanity will somehow "get it" and fix itself. I know that being in my 20s has this ridiculous level of arrogance but I've already gotten glimpses of the severity of my sin before a Holy, righteous God. I may be young and stupid but from what I've seen in my own eyes and learned through scripture and history, there is no inclination in me whatsoever to have hope in human effort. I unapologetically admit that indeed "I have lost hope in humanity." But this is what I love about Christianity ... That at the heart of Christianity is our mighty savior Jesus, whom though had all the authority and "right" to not endure the cross, 100% willingly and obediently laid his life down, afflicted with all the wrath due to the humanity's sin from past to present to future, was bloodied, absolutely destroyed and murdered in our place ... and more than that, rose again! Broken, disgusting soul that I am, I cling to the fact that "He who knew no sin became sin for us so that we might become the righteousness of God in him" (2 Corinthians 5:21). That's the God I worship.

When my body betrays me; when my intellect and knowledge betrays me; when I'm left out in the cold, betrayed by the world and all of its comforts and pretenses; when my parents and close friends pass away; when my kid is taken to the emergency room; when my bank account goes empty; when all that I built is destroyed before my eyes, I find full assurance in knowing that "he who began a good work in [me] will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ" (Philippians 1:6). Though my heart and my emotions flail and constantly lie on the fringe, I know with all assurance that Jesus is not letting me go, and not only that, but he's relentlessly, violently attacking and pursuing my heart and restoring it from all the dung that plagues it so.

When I'm gone, may my life have sung this hymn:

"The best obedience of my hands
dares not appear before Thy throne
But faith can answer Thy demands
By pleading what my Lord has done
-"I Boast No More," written by Isaac Watts

The deed's already been done. May this be our means of sanctification as much as it is our justification. God help us. Save us from ourselves.

A Moment of Honesty.

If I were to be honest with myself, I think I'd conclude that most of the time I think about advancing my own kingdom rather than His.

God help me.

Pieces

-Eh I wish I could just post the audio but oh well.

I've been listening to some new music (at least to me) recently and I've stumbled upon a band named "Thrice" and a band called "Red." And in all honesty, their musical style clashes with my taste on more than one occasion. I like them musically but I don't necessarily love them the same way that I was obsessed with Linkin Park musically. But there's something in particular music and movies that really stirs my heart for Jesus ... and like I described in my previous post about how movies that portray the true fractured brokenness that is so apparent in humanity, I too love and embrace music that does the same thing. The word I'm looking for here is "angst" or a "crying out" that really stirs my heart and pushes me along towards growth.

For music, I do not much care for all the labels. Of course I have my personal musical tastes (and this song is definitely a song of my taste), but all I'm looking for in movies, in music, in life, is honesty to tell it like it is.
But if we humans were to be honest, I think we'd come to grips with our utter inadequacy to save ourselves from ourselves and cry out for help. Angst, desperation, a broken cry for rescue. This is what humanity screams for. We may try to find this in other people, toys, religion, but there seems to be a ceiling that we always hit that is met with the uneasy, haunting feeling that we were meant to go beyond this. We were made for something more. There is something bigger than us. So I think when all the walls are tore down, all our masks are thrown away, and we as humanity are left exposed for what we really are, there will be a heart cry. There will be tears. There will be loud verbal wailing and audible calls for help. And if we're courageous enough to be honest with ourselves, even in silence, our hearts will always have some kind of ... angst.

There will be a wrestling, a toiling, a striving. But in the end, we can try and try and try and fail. As one of my little brothers in Christ says, "I wake up and fail." No matter how hard we try, no matter how much we try to legislate transformed hearts, no matter how good a program we put on, no matter how good we can do church, we fail and we need help ... in the same way that a 4-month old baby's only hope in survival is to cry for his father and mother in hopes that they'd hear him and give him food, provide for him, take care of him, love him. shelter him. protect him, etc. At humanity's truest state, we've always known and history attests to the fact that we haven't ever and will never be able to attain what our hearts constantly tell us we were meant for. It's the reason why the brokenness in homes ranging from all spheres of life (From the suburban upper class English family to poor communities in a ghetto in NY to people enslaved under heinous situations like those of the "Invisible Children" documentary) all seem to shout out the the message: "Something is wrong!!! Something has gone wrong! We need help! Something has gone terribly wrong!" Any local news station will tell this same story. Every natural disaster, every broken home, etc. will do likewise.

"I tried so hard! So hard! I tried so hard!"
-"Pieces" by Red

By God's grace and no merit of our own, perhaps we'd in complete humiliation, come to our Father as we are, broken, shattered pieces, desperately crying out for help as a baby cries out to his father to sustain him ... For he has no other hope outside of this and neither do we.

This desperate cry for help, this angst, this broken, fractured humanity is the same broken, fractured humanity that chose to rebel against God, thinking that we know better, thus twisting everything God created to further instill an awe of Him ... This is what I'm ultimately looking for in music, movies, and in everyday life. It stirs my heart for Jesus Christ, who by grace ultimately slams, collides, and overcomes our wicked, helpless estate. Sometimes I do find this in "Christian music." Sometimes (perhaps more often), I don't.

"You call my name
I come to you in pieces
So you can make me whole
So you can make me whole"
-"Pieces" by Red

The Step Back and Movies.

I find myself having to take a step back to reevaluate things. Because we're so prone to play games, I havta keep checking myself to see what things I don't want to submit to God with. It's too easy to get wrapped up in programs and doing things because that's how they've always been done. But in general I am more frequently having to step back and see things as they are. I've been seeing the world in a little more raw view lately and it is alike in a lot of ways when Jesus became a reality to me for the first time. I couldn't word it well but it's when all games are exposed and when honesty is brutally and boldly embraced and humanity is exposed to being as wicked as we know we are deep down. How our natural inclination is always in the wrong ... selfishness, false testimony, jealousy, hate, betrayal, pride, always making idols of other man-made gods. The closest I can come to describing it is seeing it in movies ...

I saw it (it being an desperate cry for the fallenness of humanity) in Lakeview Terrace and Gran Torino over the summer and recently for the main character in District 9. The thing I took the most from District 9 was the absolute shunning and abandoning of the main character. Somehow I saw the abandonment of Christ in it ... left alone by all those who followed him after all he'd done through his miracles and preaching and relationships, his 12 disciples (one even betrayed him), the inner 3 ... Peter the "Rock," denies 3 times, etc., yet, one who you'd think would least extol Christ rebukes the other criminal who just mocked Jesus' claim as the Christ by saying "Do you not fear God, since you are under the same sentence of condemnation? And we indeed justly, for we receiving the due reward of our deeds; but this man has done nothing wrong." And he pleads "Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom" (Luke 23:40-42). It's weird to say this but somehow I saw this in District 9. Of all the characters that could have been the main companion of the protagonist, a freakin alien was chosen! haha. It doesn't all line up but I just saw the humiliation, the shame, the reality of abandonment and alone-ness in some moments of the film that really stirred my heart up ... especially when the main character's only hope, his wife, ended up leaving him too. I just saw the brokenness and fractured humanity in the film. Somehow God's been doing this with movies to me recently.

It's been a tough time being back in Waco these past 1.5 weeks or so. I can only plead for God to show up and strip me of all the crap I'm clinging to. He really showed me how much I want people to like me this summer and stripped of this desire rather brutally. It really hurt but I thank Him for it.

Acts 4:23-31.

I'm confused as to even begin to think how this year will turn out. All I know is that I'm going to need a lot of prayer for boldness and strength to constantly, violently, and jealously war for the gospel of Jesus Christ to be what matters most to us. If we have not this, we have nothing but noise in empty religious gatherings. God, please show up. Have mercy on us. Empower us Holy Spirit. We need You God. Help us.

Thoughts about change, Jesus, and growing up (a little bit).

I'll go back to numbering to better organize my musings.

1) People change, circumstances change, interests change, roles change, youth groups change, churches change, the God of the Bible doesn't. It's been a rough summer in terms of what has changed and what realities are setting in, but the gospel has sustained me. This is the only reason I can walk not in self-pity, but in confidence ... not in myself but by what's been done through Jesus on the cross. I hope his proclamation (known by religious and secular alike) of "It is finished" will violently become more of a reality to me in every gray area of my life that I don't want it to. I keep seeing me in the scriptures ... unfortunately as the scribes and pharisees. I hope and pray my response isn't the same as their's when Christ exposes the games I play to avoid obedience, submission, and acknowledgment that he is Lord of all.

2) My mind has wandered and been confronted with "What exactly does it mean to "become like Christ." The thing that keeps coming back is the reminder that in the end ... Christ died and Christ rose 3 days later. It's easy to know this but hard for my heart to see that professing Christ and becoming like him are not synonymous. It's weird to think that the person of Jesus knew who would deny him, who would reject him, who would accept him, who would bow before him, who would mock him, who would beat him, who would accuse him, who would spear him, wh would insult him, and yet went to the cross anyway. It's hard to let it sink in how Jesus could patiently love and let Judas follow him for 3 years, knowing who his ultimate betrayer would be (and on top of that with an intimate gesture of a kiss). It's kind of hard to think about how Jesus handles it when he's feeding and performing miracles for people, satisfying and curing people left and right, yet how some aren't interested in him at all but only in what he provides. Yet, he endures the cross.
-And just taking a step back and looking on a more macro level, the Jesus of the Bible didn't live the happiest life. He absolutely didn't. Garden of Gethsemane sweating drops of blood, getting betrayed by a close friend, getting constantly bad-mouthed and questioned (by the scribes and Pharisees), getting attacked and pushed up to the brink of a high hill by those he insulted with his preaching (Luke 7:23 makes me think), getting mocked all along the way, getting crucified, leaving his disciples, and followers in despair ... Is this the Jesus we're trying to emulate?
-It's mind-blowing because of the unlimited patience and endurance Christ had ... I mean Jesus comes out saying he's going to die on a cross and 3 days later rise from the dead from the beginning of his ministry around the age of 30 right? Yet his closest friends, the 12, seem to not get what he's saying at all, but instead argue over which of them in the group is the greatest ... What patience our King has. I've been pointed to Philippians 2-3 over and over and over again the past month or two:

"Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born n the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross." - Philippians 2:5-8

"But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith-that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead." - Philippians 3:7-11

-The first couple of times I read over it, I got it in my head and it was dandy and easy to read. But it's a different thing when the scriptures actually call you out y'know? I'll be honest. My natural tendency is not to make myself nothing, take the form of a servant, humble myself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Intrinsically, my heart counts everything I could gain from being a morally nice Christian-y nice (wimpy) guy as something of worth. I want that recognition. I want people's attention on me, not the Lord and Creator of the universe. Most of the time I don't much care for knowing him and the power of his resurrection, much less want to share in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death. I don't naturally war for the things of God. I think most of us absolutely love the idea of Jesus; we love his teachings; and some part of us distantly wishes we could be like him, but I think most of us really don't want to war, sweat, and climb uphill to become like him. There's a difference between going to church and being the church. There's a difference between professing Christ and following Christ. There's a difference between religion and Jesus.

3) As I'm about to spend my last Sunday at CBC and home in general, I must say that this summer has been an interesting one for me. It's easily been the most trying emotionally. In conclusion, I'll say that it's weird growing up a little bit. I have a hard time with the concept of "being grown up" on many levels but it's really hit hard this summer in ways I could not begin word. Oh, what a God we serve. I hope we don't miss out on this. May we not settle on anything less than life to the full.

I don't say it as much, but love ya BASIC ...
...
Man, this post was originally 5 lines. Oops.
-Jon

What a comfort.

Angst. I have a lot of it.

I was at post-camp tonight, despite the fact that I have never been involved in any way with D-camp or Impact. The speaker briefly touched on 1 Peter 4 and the suffering entailed for us.

However it was during praise singing that God absolutely knew my heart and sent this little gift:

"Resist him [your adversary the devil, who prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour -> 5:8], firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen."
-1 Peter 5:9-11

What an unbelievable amount of comfort I had upon reading that. The only response is to rejoice I guess.

Bad Trade.

Trading ever-increasing joy and life to the full for apathy towards the one necessary thing is never a good trade ... No matter how ridiculously easy and comfortable it may be.

The Pains of Sanctification, and Religion (Again!?)

I never had a picture of Christianity be this raw. What I mean by that is ... Never have my sheltered eyes been exposed to the reality of "all or nothing" to the extent it is now. It's a struggle but the beauty of it all is when a broken world and the wickedness in humanity clashes with Jesus and the cross. It's not a pretty site. Jesus really wasn't that excited about getting nails hammered into his hands and feet and having the wrath of God poured out on him. He sweat drops of blood and was overwhelmed with sorrow "to the point of death". When I see the raw, reality of the world we live in and how the cross of Christ absolutely collides with it and overcomes it, this is what stirs in me some kind of testosterone-filled angst and violent zeal and produces tears at the same time. This is what implants some kind of fire in my chest that wants to explode out. This is what completely unravels me. This is what makes me feel an unbelievably heavy weight that sinks my heart. This is what produces worship of a holy, righteous, majestic God.

I'm learning a little bit more each day what the word "holy" means. It's painful. It hurts when I'm confronted with my sinfulness and how my wicked and rebellious self could even be in the same room as a holy, righteous God, whose very presence should kill me. The more God unveils the gap, the more I see that gaping disconnect, the more I see how Christ 100% bridged it and reconciled it ... That in response to my offense He endured the cross, substituting his righteousness for my sin, bearing sin's punishment in my place. This is grace. This is the means to repent. This is our means for worship. Nothing else. But why does my heart wander from this so freakin' often? Why? There is nothing but this right? Why do I keep running to other things? It's this stupidity in man that hasn't ever changed. I would always laugh when reading one of the prophets in scripture. I'd think "these people are so freaking retarded. Repent for God's sake! This is where the raw-ness of scripture collides with my pride. This is where scripture isn't merely something read but something that reads me like ... well ... a book (heh). I'm that idolater. I'm that adulterer. I'm that liar. I'm that sinner. I'm that pharisee that needs to repent of my own righteousness and goodness. Sometimes the way I do life in defeat really reflects that I'm no different than the sadducee. But what messes me all up and blows this whole thing up is that by the cross of Christ, I am deemed righteous, in right standing before a holy, perfect God whose very presence should incinerate my helplessly wicked estate. So I am an adulter; I am a thief; but I'm at the same time, I'm not any of these things at all, solely because of the cross of Christ. This is "God is love." Not your cutesy "I like you, you like me, let's hold hands and giggle a lot" love. This is cross enduring, unlimited patience showing, jealous, violent pursuit of a God for His people. This is what I mean by raw. Ain't no games anymore.

The danger in my life thus far is this: I'm afraid that I can continually adapt and learn the language of humility, the cross of Christ, the character and nature of God, etc., and not actually walk, breathe, and wrestle with it. In other words, the thing I war against, the thing that frustrates me the most is the very thing that confronts me daily: Religion. Funny how a year from now, God sent me to the older brother only to show me that I'm the very person God has called me to proclaim Christ to. To latch onto my previous post ... What is really going on in Jon Lau's heart? Self-examination ... Why do I keep running from it?

The thing with sanctification is that no one really told me that it'd hurt like this ... ha. Like, I guess it was assumed that "being made holy" would entail the imperfections of our flesh being stripped more and more each day and in turn being restored with the perfection of the Spirit. I mean to some small degree I knew this but I didn't know how brutal this process would be. The more you grow up and "life beats things out of you" (Chandler), you begin to see that life ain't no game anymore. Some continue to play, but they never find joy. I remember muttering "Ain't no more games; this is life;" sometime during World Changers. Religion has always been the most dangerous game to play. By His grace alone God will continue to save me out of it.

The Heart

The question I have to come face to face with daily is "What is going on in my heart?"

This is where we gotta start if we do in fact take Jesus seriously in the Bible because he's always always brutally going after it. It's a simple question but I think I'm too afraid for what God will expose if I constantly ask this question. But I must ask it and scripture seems to always ask this of me. To not do so would just be running away in cowardice and fear. The tendency is always for me to busy myself or try to justify myself with doing "good things," but that can't be right if the message of the cross was that we can't ever be good enough and that Jesus substituted his righteousness with our sin (and its just punishment) on the cross. To try to do more quiet times, help out more at church, tithe more, etc., in an effort to justify ourselves because of that deep dark feeling that something is wrong at the core of our being, would mean that "Christ died for nothing" (Galatians 2:21)! So ... what is really going on in my heart?

Somehow over the years, I've ran from the necessary biblical practice of self-examination and have thus turned to practicality and religion. It's the most ironic thing sometimes ... How I can use religion to run from God. And something inside me tells me I'm deep in this more than I know/want to acknowledge and come to terms with. So the question remains.

"What is really going on in your heart?"
-Before we busy ourselves with whatever it is we do, we've got to ask ourselves this. God help us.

Apathy

I'm finding that it's the morally neutral things that most often rob me of my joy in Christ.

Last week during World Changers, I was trying to teach my cousins and a younger youth some basic calculus for fun ... since they all ranged from middle school to 10th grade (and let it be known that I'm not gifted in mathematics in any way but for some reason I have fun teaching the math I do know). I didn't plan it, but I was trying to equip them by teaching some life lessons to go along with me teaching them basic calculus. Of all I remember teaching, the main word/idea/thing (that they somewhat forgot) that I was warning against was apathy.

I've been learning some of the deeper rooted things that I've found that rob me of my joy in Christ. It's what produces boredom, laziness, and something in the core of my heart that says "I was meant to live for so much more" and "there must be more than this." The following words have been what I've found the deeper issues to be. They all relate to one another:
Apathy, complacency, Lukewarm-ness, religiosity, cowardly fear, mistrust in God

Father, Would you stir my affections toward You? Would you stir in my heart an yearning, insatiable thirst for Your scriptures? Would you put to death my apathy and laziness. Would you breathe a violent, zeal to please You ... to bring You glory? Help me Father. Help us.


-It's not shown here, but during World Changers, God granted me one of the most beautiful pictures of the gospel. Luke 18:9-14 has been a text that has been plaguing my life the past month or two and it's almost like God showed it right before my eyes as my fellow brother in Christ could not even look up. Bowed before a cross, with face planted to the ground between his knees, all he could do was cry out for mercy. Amen.

Prayer (from Philippians).

I will be partnering in the gospel with a group of about 60+ other members/youth of my church to go on missions in Little Rock, Arkansas for the next week. We're going to be doing this through "World Changers."

Please pray for the 60+ of us from CBC participating in World Changers this year. Pray for all involved, all ministered to, etc. Pray that we'd have the humility of Christ this week. It's going to be a tough, scorching hot week. Pray that we would be "firm in one spirit, with one mind, striving side by side for the faith of the gospel, and not frightened in anything by [our] opponents" (Philippians 1:27-28).

"So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father."
-Philippians 2:1-11

All or Nothing (Revisited)

It's weird to how God's working on me in this season of life. He's opening my eyes, ears (heh ironic), and heart to a bigger view of life. That's so ambiguous but ... It's one thing to always focus on the micro level of life (you, what you see, who's around you) vs. the macro level (the world, what you don't see, who's out there on the opposite side of your setting) ... And how Jesus collides with this world of ours. It's easy to get lost in this secular worldview but thank God for God.

And as much as God has been stretching me and breaking me, the question I'm always left to face with is a foundational one.

This past year of college, God has planted in me this phrase ... "All or nothing." It's translated into a lot of things ... "You either hit or miss," "Win or go home," etc. I've blogged, preached, etc., on it a little bit in the past but I'm revisiting it ... And I think I will continue to do so for the rest of my life.

I've been reading the book of Acts for myself ... And on top of that going through Philippians with a group of brothers as well. The one thing I keep resounding the whole time in Paul's voice, in the apostles' voices is a tone of genuine, passionate urgency and a preaching that is unapologetically all or nothing. There is no life outside of what they do. Sure they're persecuted, arrested, mocked, rivaled against, betrayed, confused, etc., but it always ends with something along the lines of "Then they left the presence of the council, rejoicing that they were counted worthy to suffer dishonor for the name" (Acts 5:41). I crave for this type of life.

This whole Jesus thing, I don't possibly see how there can be some kinda compromise or decision in between. You're either betting your entire life on it or you are not. You can try to do both but in the end that falters. This is where you get religion, aka moral behavioral modifications with Jesus' name attached to it.

God's really planted a certain, very serious urgency in me right now. It's a mess. My emotions range way too far from one spectrum to the other even for me. It gets to a point where I can't even walk away from movies without having my heart stirred or grieved in some way. It's gotten to a point where I just feel distant from my peers. It's gotten to a point where I don't even fear death. I can say that with all genuineness. I wanna be selfish and say that this is only me and to be honest I don't know if it is or isn't. Most of those around me I'm sure can tell I'm in a weird learning season of life but don't get this same urgency that I'm wrestling through.

All or nothing. There's no in between. Hot or cold. There's no lukewarm. Jesus or no Jesus. Religion is Christ-less. Life or death.

Am I the only one in this??? I don't know what to do other than to pray for boldness to speak up for what I know God's put in me to say to my peers.

All I know is that nothing tastes as good as before. Nothing pleasures or satisfies like it used to. Just talking sociologically, everyone seems to be chasing something or someone and no matter what happens, it feels like we hit a ceiling and we're confused because we feel like we should be able to go beyond it. We feel like we should be able to get over the sun but we can't. There's got to be more than this. There's got to be. So everyone really is on some savior search. It doesn't matter whether we've grown up in church or not. Everyone is searching for someone or something to get to that point but I think that the tragic true story is that most continue to blindly run this route of life, constantly frustrated with their inability to get over that hump that they feel they were created for.

Here's something I read in Acts earlier this morning. It's towards the end of Paul's sermon to the congregation at Antioch (In Pisidia, not the the Antioch in Syria where the phrase "Christian" was first used). It was preached on a Sabbath day after the readings of the Law and the Prophets. The rulers of the synagogue asked Paul and his companions "Brothers, if you have any word of encouragement for the people, say it." ...

"For David, after he had served the purpose of God in his own generation, fell asleep and was laid with his fathers and saw corruption, but he whom God raised up did not see corruption. Let it be known to you therefore, brothers, that through this man forgiveness of sins is proclaimed to you, and by him everyone who believes is freed from everything from which you could not be freed by the law of Moses. Beware, therefore, lest what is said in the Prophets come about: 'Look, you scoffers, be astounded and perish; for I am doing a work in your days, a work that you will not believe, even if one tells it to you.' As they went out, the people begged that these things might be told them the next Sabbath. And after the meeting of the synagogue broke up, many Jews and devout converts to Judaism followed Paul and Barnabas, who, as they spoke with them, urged them to continue in the grace of God. The next Sabbath almost the whole city gathered to hear the word of the Lord."
-Acts 13:36-44

The stories and lives of the apostles and leaders of the first churches has been my most consistent comfort these past 2 weeks. I'm thankful that God has grown in me a love for the scriptures. I'd pray that He'd continue to do so and to seek to see what they mean. I can no longer preach and talk of what I don't know for myself. I've got to "work out my own salvation with fear and trembling."

I know pride lies deep within me. I'm praying that God would continue to expose it.

Love you all BASIC. May we continue in the grace of God. God help us.
-Jon

I Boast No More

No More My God, I boast no more
Of all the duties I have done
I quit the hopes I held before,
To trust the merits of Thy Son

No more my God
No more my God
No more my God
I boast no more

Now, for the loss I bear his name,
What was my gain I count my loss
My former pride I call my shame
And nail my glory to His cross

Yes, and I must, I will esteem
All things but loss for Jesus' sake
O may my soul be found in Him
And of His righteousness partake
Amen, amen

The best obedience of my hands
Dares not appear before Thy throne
But faith can answer Thy demands
By pleading what my Lord has done

-written by Isaac Watts, titled "Hymn 109," based on Philippians 3:7-9

Weird Season

I'm at a weird season in life. It kinda seems like half of my friends are and the other half is oblivious to it altogether. What that's translated to is a lot of feeling of distance.

I've noticed that I blindly and ignorantly jump into things without counting the cost. I'm not sure if I pawn it off as some kind of faith thing but there's something very not right about it.

A good measure of where our hearts lie is to look at your day and see what most of it is focused on/what you spend most of your time doing. It's been what I call a "kick in the crotch" for me.

I'm praying and asking for prayer for all of us to repent of thinking that the good things we do somehow are what justifies us. I think a lot of us could recite the message of "grace" and how it's all about Christ and it's "all for his glory" but why does there seem to be a disconnect in the message of God in the flesh nailed and bloodied on a cross and 3 days later resurrected, and how the version of us outside of church, outside of religious gatherings like bible study does life? Shouldn't there be an unnerving self-denying humiliation of self and a broken thanksgiving towards the merciful God? I'm praying and and asking that you and I pray for each other and ourselves to have an affection and aggressive clinging for Jesus. Before salvation, we are the passive ones who are dead in our trespasses and it's all God that intervenes out of mercy. But if we're really born again into life, if we're being made more and more like Christ everyday, then aren't we sposed to be going in the direction of Christ himself? We're not passive anymore if we're of Christ. Our salvation rests on him completely but we're not just sitting in our complacency pitying ourselves and waiting for some other person to kickstart us towards a spiritual high are we?

God, stir our hearts. Tear down the walls we think we can hide behind. You see right into our hearts. Expose us. Bring to light our darkness. Grant us mercy. No matter how much we grow in You, we can't ever say we deserve You. We can't ever base our justification on our goodness because there is no such thing outside of You. Would you destroy the religion in us? Help us God. Grant us a soul that yearns for You. Detach our clinging to people and things. Draw us to You. I pray that you not let the apathetic drown in their complacency and passiveness. Expose them. Expose me. Help us please Father. Hear our prayers.
-Jon

My story.

So I was required to write this up in preparation for a week long mission trip that I'll be participating in for the week of July 11-18. Please keep us in your prayers.

Testimony of Jon Lau:

The other day I had been posed with a scenario that God used to frighteningly expose my heart. The scenario was that the day of judgment had come and I was standing before Jesus and he asks me “Why should I let you into heaven?”. The frightening thing was that the first word that came to mind was “grace.” Now before I get too high on myself for giving the “correct” answer, the part that God really busted me in was my following thought: “Grace. I know what grace is. I could tell you what grace is.” So though my mind is preaching a doctrine of unmerited favor, my heart was proclaiming a cowardly fear that worked itself out in merit-filled insecurity. It was like I was praying to God, thanking Him of all the good I’ve done, all the knowledge I’ve gained along the way, and I was using that to justify the haunting, relentless feeling that I deserved to stand before God condemned. What God showed me was that unless I’m not crying out “God, be merciful to me, a sinner!” then I won’t go home justified (Luke 18:9-14). Though my mouth and mind can be on the same wavelength in proclaiming “grace,” if my heart and soul are apart from Christ, then I have nothing (John 15:5). The gospel of Jesus Christ has been wrecking my life in similar ways for quite some time now. I thank God for though it hasn’t always brought me happiness, it has brought me abundant joy.

Before Christ took hold of my heart, I lived a fairly happy life. I had my Pokémon cards. I had basketball. I had a family that loved me. I had a good amount of friends. I wasn’t necessarily the worst kid, though I will admit I wasn’t a “good kid.” I thought that’s what life was. Fill yourself with things that you enjoy and relax. Oh, and thank God for the food on the table every night. That’s what my philosophy on life was after a little more than a decade of living and growing up as a Pokémon-loving, basketball-adoring, second-generation, American-born Chinese boy who attended a Chinese, Baptist Church since birth. Attach “do quiet time” somewhere between middle school and freshmen year of high school.

Church was just church to me. It was another place to meet new people and make new friends. And come to think of it, church was just a really big hobby for me honestly. It had everything I loved in my first decade or so of life. My whole family attended. Most of my friends were there every Sunday and they brought their Pokémon cards to play with me. There was basketball after Sunday School. Sometimes the food there wasn’t half bad either. It had everything I could ever want. So having everything I thought I needed, the need for God, the need for a Savior, was not. I mean, I was happy already with all the pleasures that a 12-year-old could have right? I concluded that since I was more often happy than sad (translated in those times … I got what I wanted a fair amount of the time), I was happy. However, it’d take another 5-7 years before I would discover what joy was.

I was content, so why did I need a Savior? I was decently moral and “good.” I mean I was at church every Sunday after all. All that Jesus stuff really didn’t appeal to me from a young age. I mean, I could tell you that “Christ died for my sins” and I could tell you that “Jesus” always was the answer to every question in Sunday School. But when it came to what all that meant to me, I was apathetic. I wouldn’t know what that word meant at that age, but I really had no concern, thought, or affection for God, why the cross is important, why I memorized Bible verses for AWANA, why I prayed before meals, or why I claimed to be a Christian. I figured that as long as I didn’t kill anyone or cuss in public, I was set for heaven, a place I wanted to be, not because of good things I’d heard of it, but more because of the bad things I had heard of hell. Hell scared me. I wanted to be in heaven with all my family, friends, and the things I adored. So when I first “accepted Christ,” and declared that I “believed in Jesus,” I was baptized! All I had to do now was continue to keep on with abiding by (at least trying to obey) the “do not’s” list of morality. That was enough right?

It wasn’t until a then 15-year-old Jon Lau prayed for God to break him in the middle of a mission trip (his first) which he didn’t feel he was ready for, that God unveiled his eyes, took hold of his heart and Christ became a reality, rather than a rumor. Little did I know that God would continue to break me and strip me of the things that clung to what He had made, rather than Him, ever since. To this day, I haven’t recovered from it.

It’s been a real struggle from that post-freshman year of High school summer on to what is now post-freshman year of college. Unlike basketball, finding a rhythm has been a lot more rare. One week I’m relishing in the “joy of my salvation” and the next week I feel like I’m in the Sheol. After many more instances of God having to show me my need for Him, thus leading me to repent, and then finding joy in Him, only to get proud and then God having start the cycle over again, I am who I am today. I don’t expect for God to stop breaking me. I’ve come to find more joy when I pray for Him to continue to do so and to see that prayer fulfilled because I know my tendency to violently cling to creation rather than Creator. I’m just thankful that God is more relentless after my heart than I am for His stuff. What a wretched heart I have. Praise God that I have a more beautiful Savior … That despite my disgusting arrogance, pride, and lust for God’s creation rather than God himself, “that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). Though I am an offender of God, though I am accursed, “Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us” (Galatians 3:13) … That “For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him, we might become the righteousness of God” (2 Corinthians 5:21).

I hope and pray that I will never think that I don’t need this gospel anymore. I cringe upon the thought that I would ever think that I don’t need this gospel that proclaims the message of a Savior who by his wounds, we have been healed. Without this good news, without Christ, I am nothing. If not for Christ alone, if not for grace alone, everything else is bad news.

I could go on to share about all this new world of college at Baylor and how it’s just a whole new monster from the trials I had to face in High School. From how I am to do ministry in a community that grew up with the same first half of this testimony, to big career decisions, I could share how God’s grown me. But in the end, It always seems to go back to this overlying message in the Bible that can be summed up as: “He must increase but I must decrease” (John 3:30), “For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself with be exalted” (Luke 18:14).

From these 19 years of life, I have come to know my shortcomings and failures darn well. I’ve learned that on my own, I’m a loser in every sense of the word. I can’t do anything good. I can’t save myself, lest anyone else. I am a selfish offender of God who deserves nothing but the just punishment of sin. I deserve to die. I have never been able to successfully pull off being good enough. But I have peace in knowing that this me that relies on himself to do good, find purpose, to be saved, was “crucified with Christ. And it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. And the life I live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself up for me” (Galatians 2:20). Praise God for being more than enough.

“He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed” (1 Peter 2:24).

"Not the Type"

This Sunday morning was, up to this point in my life, one of the most scattered 24 hours of my life. I say that because I was so fired up and joyous about what God was doing in me and through me, what he was revealing in scripture and meditation, and just in the way that he stirred renewed hope in those around me that I'd lost hope in. And at the same time I was relishing that all of these blessings would come to THIS sinner!? This was overwhelming me so much that I literally couldn't fall asleep. In the middle of seeing the night become morning before my eyes (which still freaks me out every time ...), and after praying for discernment of whether I should force myself to sleep or go without it totally, I eventually said "screw sleep" at around 7am or so. I found myself a thirst for scripture and I began to read the last chapters of Luke and though briefly read with no hardcore, in-depth, inductive bible study, I subtly grew to feel a little more weight with the more I read. It's just a very humbling experience every time I read about the last hours of Jesus' life ... because though sometimes I'll ask and arouse stupid questions like the disciples did of "Who is the greatest?" (Luke 22:24-30 ... I still find it kinda funny and kinda disturbing at the timing of the disciple's question ... right before the crucifixion ...), I can't really come out of it going "Ya! That was a great story about me and my goodness!" Thank God. I hadta finish reading it in time to make service heh so I showered, got dressed and got ready.

So I drive to church in silence and I'm still fired up and eventually I get there. I'm a little late ... Maybe missed the first 5 minutes but oh well. The service was good (Somehow Sunday services have been different to me ... but I can rant about that some other time). Felt quick. I like the series we're doing on the scriptures. Today we went through 2 Timothy 3. So I get to Sunday School hour and 10 minutes in (I guess you call this "loitering" where you're just kinda chatting around with whoever), I run into my aunt whom I haven't really caught up with since summer began. She's not really my aunt in blood or anything but we're related enough to see each other during holiday gatherings (Eh it doesn't matter cuz in Chinese culture you call everyone aunt and uncle anyway). We had a little chit chat and before she was about to head off to Sunday School, I asked her where her daughter, my cousin, was. I've been particularly concerned for her in terms of life and her not getting the gospel. My aunt told me she was was at service but then left, saying that "You know her." So a little bumbed I questioned for clarification that I wouldn't see her in Sunday School to which the response of her mom was "eh, she's "just not the type. Maybe one day she'll wake up. " I'm not sure whether these words can convey the tone and understood concern and broken desperation for her daughter and my friend and cousin. I just nodded, brokenhearted on the inside but wearing an indifferent grin. We say our goodbyes and I go to Sunday School. I prayed earlier that somehow God would help me out with this whole not sleeping the night before thing, knowing that this type of prayer has gone unanswered numerous amounts of times during my all-nighters the previous semester of college ... But this time He was faithful. I just remember sitting in class having a barrage of thoughts coming every which way about this. I was an emotional wreck and it spurred me to kinda just say things out loud to the class that I normally keep in to keep quiet and not appear like a religious guy. I don't really know what even went on in my mind that whole time. I guess I could read what I wrote in my notebook during that time. I titled it "How'd I get here?". Heh. All I know is that that phrase ... "she's JUST NOT THE TYPE" was the one that haunted me throughout.

The thing that makes my heart cringe is not just all the theological confusion going on in the words conveyed. The thing that tears me up inside is that the message of the Bible was never meant to be a book for a "type of people." Never did I read anything about Jesus coming only to those worthy of his presence ... Because none were. None are. Rich and poor alike, young and old, foolish and wise, kings and beggars, men and women, fathers and children, Jew and Gentile, fishermen and experts in the law, Pharisees and tax collectors, doubters and slanderers, adulterers and liars, demonic and religious, older brother and prodigal son, persecutor and murderer of Christians and whacky prophets, stutterers and screw ups, wicked sinners and religious, "church goers" and those who didn't give a spit about any of it; pagan worshippers and magic practicioners; peasants and princes; etc. are the type of people we find that cling to this Jesus of the Bible.

Their home groups would have been interesting ... In the book of Acts alone you have people ranging from a weird magic practicing weirdo named Simon (Acts 8:9-13), a blaspheming, violent murderer of God's people named Saul ... who turns out to later write the majority of the New Testament (Acts 9), a Suburban wealthy God-fearing woman named Lydia (Acts 16:11-15), and a blue collar, lower level Roman soldier/Philippian jailer (Acts 16:25-34), who all come and are gathered because of Christ alone. If left alone in a room without Christ, these people would probably tear each other apart. It's not that these people were "good enough" to be "the type" of church-going folk that we see everyday on Sunday. These were genuine people of different levels of socioeconomic status, different ethnicities and cultures, different ages, different genders, different philosophies on life and who God is. Yet all share a fellowship because of our great mediator and savior Jesus Christ.

All throughout scripture and particularly in the gospels you've got just jacked up people ... Ya everyone is jacked up. But it's interesting and awesome that when ordinary city folk of various cities hear this man's claims to be God in the flesh, the bread of life, life to the full ... When they hear that this man speaks with AUTHORITY, the flock to him. They run and chase and cling to this guy. And so often we see people like the blind beggar (Luke 18:35-43) shout out in complete desperation and humility: "Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!" And even when those in front rebuke him and tell him to shut up he cries out louder "Son of David, have mercy on me!" The gospels tell so many instances of the inadequate screw ups and rejects and outcasts of the city crying out for Jesus to heal them ... to save them. From the dropouts in High School (equivalent to the fishermen) to the experts of the law (equivalent to maybe an esteemed college professor and/or maybe a very highly esteemed expert in a particular study), Jesus is going after the hearts of not only the rejects of society but the proud and the arrogant as well. He totally deconstructs the idea that the tax collectors were too unworthy to be saved and he continually works and speaks in a way that deconstructs the idea that the Pharisees have some sort of special favor from God because of their outstanding moral deeds. In Luke 18:9-14, Jesus unapologetically speaks the truth that religion and morality don't justify, and in the end, even fasting twice a week and tithing on everything you have, doesn't save. Jesus says that the tax collector, the one who is so ashamed of his wickedness that he wont even enter the synagogue, the one who can't even "lift his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast saying, 'God, be merciful to me, a sinner!" (Luke 18:13) ... Jesus says this guy is justified. In both ways, Jesus doesn't neglect the other. He time and time again says "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest" (Matthew 11:28). I think we think that Jesus just wanted to own the Pharisees up and just tear them apart and so in the end we ironically become Pharisees and try to do the same to those whom we look down upon. But not so with Jesus. If Jesus had NOT relentlessly rebuked them, he wouldn't have been loving. No, Jesus intentionally goes to BOTH the tax collector (Luke 5:27-32; 19:1-10) and the Pharisees (Luke 7:36-50; 11:37-43; 14).

Jesus tells a parable (Luke 15) of a son who basically says "Dad, you're as good as dead to me, gimme my inheritance and let me be" and how even when that son who has wandered has squandered all that he had in reckless living, the Father humiliatingly and shamefully runs out to embrace His son right when he sees him from a distance. From the perspective of an old man lifting up his robe and exposing his undergarments to run out to embrace the son, this is ridiculous. But it doesn't stop there. The wayward son, having memorized and recited to himself what he would say to his father, overwhelmed by the grace of his father, doesn't even bother to try to offer repayment of his reckless living by being a lowly servant of his father for he knows that he doesn't have to prove himself. He's already loved. No act or work by his hand can justify his life lived in darkness and blatant recklessness. And this is where most of us end the story. But Jesus goes on to mention the other main character in the story: the older brother. Jesus doesn't just go after the blatant "sinner" and outcast of Jewish society at the time. He goes after the heart of the jealous older brother who though he obeyed all the commands and probably did all the right moral things, didn't get the gospel.

From the story of how one sister who was so busy and distracted doing all the right things and the seemingly inconsiderate sister who instead of helping her sister in the kitchen was at the feet of Jesus listening to his every word (Luke 10:38-42) ... to the sinful woman who in the presence of haughty, educated religious men (Pharisees), stood behind Jesus at his feet, and weeping her heart out, kissed his feet and anointed them with the ointment of an alabaster flask (Luke 7:36-50) ... to the Roman official in the Roman guard, who is high up in the military system, who pleads to Jesus that though unworthy, if Jesus say the word, his servant be healed (Luke 7:1-10) ... to the call for an uneducated low-life fisherman (who evidently was struggling with their expertise), who in response to Jesus' bringing so many fish that it began to sink the boat, cried "Depart from me, for I am a sinful man, O LORD," Jesus goes "Do not be afraid; from now on you will be catching men" (Luke 5:1-11) ...

This great gospel of Jesus Christ, this Jesus revealed to us in Scripture is NOT a savior for a certain type of people. This Jesus is he whom so many of totally different people with totally different times, ethnicities, cultures, preconceptions, socioeconomic statuses, philosophies, and baggage, call Lord and Savior.

Jesus didn't come to only save those of us church-goers who listen to Hillsong and David Crowder, wear Christian t-shirts and crosses on our necks. Jesus didn't come to only save those who purchase Christan books and hold a Bible up on a display case in our living room. The Gospel of Jesus isn't just for those who purchase Wayne Grudem Systematic theology books nor is it just for those whose only mantra about God is "God is love." And the Gospel isn't just for the outcast and abusive alcoholic. This gospel of Jesus Christ is an all-inclusive one that absolutely destroys any notion that says that one has to adjust his or her lifestyle to fit a certain type of person before God will love them. The Gospel is "not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins" (1 John 4:10).

"He is the propitiation for our sins, and not for ours only but also for the sins of the whole world" (1 John 2:2).

Father, help us. I think the tendency is for us to always compartmentalize You into a quiet time or make "following Christ" about what we can do and how good we are for it. Would you bust us in the times our hearts deceive us in such a way? Would you continue to relentlessly tug and pull on our hearts and lead us to repentance ... because of grace, not guilt? No matter how eloquent I think I am or will be, I can't save my cousin and friend. Only You can. Have mercy on us all Father. We need You more than we know. Would you have our pride collide with grace and mercy? Would you let me live to see the day that my cousin cries out to you "God, be merciful to me, a sinner!" Help us please Father.

Laying it out there.

I must have written about this before, but never have I felt so outta place for such a long stretch of time. I'm not talking so much about being outta place in a social setting. I'm just talking about in general. My mind is scattered beyond scattered. Things I used to cling to are no longer as desirable. Home just feels foreign to me still. And I know something's very wretched in my heart but I feel just distant from a lot of the people I've grown up with. We still have a mutual love and care for each other but it's just different now.

I guess what God's doing and working on me of at this season in my life is the lesson that nothing's owed to me. Every breath I breathe is a gift and He's kinda unsubtly telling me to be a good steward of the gift of life with every day I'm here. So there's a certain, intentional urgency going about me right now. And everything is seeming to come my way right now. I'm struggling to balance it all but I'll be fine.

Driving back home from Java Jam just a little while ago, I was thinking to myself in the car that I'm not going to run from this calling God's put on my life. I think I've run from it so persistently and fearfully is because a) what people would think and b) my cowardly fear. I'm not going to be apologetic about my words anymore really. Frankly I'm sick of it. There's enough of that neat and tidy language in the world and in the church as it is. I'm willing to lay my life on the gospel. And I know that this bitterness inside of me of thinking that no one else is stems from a wretched sinful heart. But I think at this season in my life, I've got to come to grips with myself and stop running from the calling I've received.

It's hard. Every night I come off a good night spent with family or friends, and I drive back home by myself, I seem to get these thoughts that incessantly torment me. I thank God for I know this is the Holy Spirit convicting and pulling and tugging at me. It's anything but pretty. But I know this is for His glory and for my good so I'm going to run with it.

The next step for me to take is to get confirmation by talking to a few select, older individuals. Pray for my boldness in that.

God, may I never stray from the gospel. I can't. Help me cling to You God. Nothing else satisfies. No one else fulfills. No other created thing can produce joy. Only You can. Forgive this bitter heart and lead me to repentance Father for I'm such a disgusting sinner. Lead me to the cross. I can't boast in anything else. Help me. Help us.
-Jon

Funny running

I wrote a paper titled "Easier to Run" for a class last semester. The theme is ambiguous enough to relate to all aspects of life really. I just didn't think it'd be directed at me this poignantly.

I admit there are certain areas I'm rock strong at and some areas where I'm as unstable as a house built on sand. I've gotten good at appearing strong when I know where I'm most vulnerable and afraid. There's this one area ... It's a pretty big one where fear reigns instead of Christ. It's ironic really. I know that years from now I'll remember how I feel right now and I'll laugh at my silly attempts to go against God's sovereign will. As for now, I foolishly try to fight it ... Knowing that this summer was going to be the one where I'd let go.

I care a crapload of what people think of me. I hate that about myself. But self-loathing isn't going to get me anywhere.

...

I've been home a week now and I can honestly say that I don't feel "at home." No, that doesn't mean I don't feel welcome or that things are wrong here at my house. My family is just as loving as before. I just don't feel like this is my home. I think the more God increases and I decrease, the more I'll feel like I wasn't made for this world. I can't explain it but this is where I'm at right now. Praise God ... even if it feels I'm the only one going through the storm while everyone plays in the sun.

Yes, I am aware of the key word in the previous sentence. Feelings are so temporary. About a week ago, a girl at REC Week said that one of the greatest pieces of advice she's heard and learned over the years was "Follow your heart." My heart breaks for those who aren't able to discern truth and lie. Our hearts are wicked and they deceive ourselves. They produce feelings that go against all wisdom. We can't follow our hearts. They fluctuate and deceive far too often to trust. We must, with a fiery urgency follow the God who knows our hearts.

Father help us.
-Jon

What day is it?

So I just got back from "REC Week '09." It's an InterVarsity (various colleges participate in it) equipping conference/retreat type deal. It was quite the experience. It was everything I kinda thought it would be but not really ... all at the same time.

I'm too confused to even begin to try to put my thoughts into words.

It was really such a worshipful week. So much happened. So much. So much confusion ... laughter, thinking, rethinking, questioning, brokenness, more laughing, planning, humiliation, joy, etc. Praise God.

Next year will be very challenging for me. It's one thing to do something you believe in but it's another to trust that even if you don't agree with some or a lot of things, that nothing is outside of God. That's how I feel about my fellowship group called "AFC" (Asians for Christ).

-Shout out to all those of AFC who went to REC Week '09. I've really grown to love each and every one of these people as family. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to find a community like this apart from home back in Houston but God really has been gracious. Each of the 19 (I think it's 19) that went I truly love and hope to continue to do life with. Speakin just for my brothers out there, praise God for brotherhood.

As for now I'm focusing more on the next 3 months. I know God's going to really test me, challenge me, break me, and humble me more. I feel like I got a healthy dose of that last week but knowing how faithful and sovereign God is, I know it'll only be more of this, and perhaps up to another degree. Whether that be with summer school, a job, ferociously and relentlessly studying the Word more, helping out with CBC, missions, being more active and missional with my choices, or whatever, I am almost certain God is going to keep invading this heart that wants to cling to created things or people rather than the Creator Himself. Jesus is going after my whole heart and he's taking it a little more each day. I thank Him for it. Not sure if that sounds right but this is my 2am, extremely exhausted mind typing this.

I've never been so emotional and physically fatigued to this degree. My rhythm is so throw off that I've almost woken up everyday this past week not knowing what day it was. My head has been pounding today. My emotions are confused. My body is weak (I was so slow playing ball today). But my soul still has peace. I am so disgustingly bad. But God is so beautifully good. Hallelujah.
-Jon

Repentance: Turning away from sin and towards Christ.

Posted at 2:44am ...
It's always easier to talk and assume when things hit you'd respond to it right.

But it's different when that very thing you advise your friend to do is something that gets right up in your own grill. This is when you get to see whether the words you say are words that you yourself believe.

I feel like (I'm starting to get a lot more cautious about opening with this phrase) I'm running away from what I know God's called me to do. I'll go back and forth about it. But sometimes you just start to think ... what do I think the most about? What gives you the most joy? What tears you up the most?

I'm scared. I'm scared to face some deep heart issues. I'd rather run from them, deny they exist, and build myself up by comparing myself with others that appear to be lesser than me. If that sounds conceited/selfish/wretched/pharisee-like, it's probably because it is.

God's still working on this horrifically wretched heart. God, help me.

...
Posted at 4:16am ...

Repentance has never looked so beautiful and clear as it is now.


This year's lesson: The more I see the wretched humanity in me and not just in other people, the more I see/cling/bow before/find peace and rest in Jesus ... who loved/loves me regardless.

"He must increase, but I must decrease."
-John 3:30
(I've had this verse posted at the top left corner of my xanga for years but never has it been fleshed out so clearly. Praise God.)

I think that we think we know.

I think that we think we know. We know all about that Jesus guy. We know what he did. We know some of what he said. We know he died and rose again. We know some about his disciples. We know about some of those confusing parables that Jesus speaks of and we are familiar with some of what Paul says in his letters. We know the bible stories of Noah, David & Goliath, Jonah & and the whale, etc., etc., etc. Some of us even have tangible evidence to support our knowledge.

However there seems to be something in all of us that takes a hit and misses the boat. Why is it that somewhere deep inside we all know that the story and the message that the Holy Spirit wrote in the Bible is completely contrary to how we as conformists to society do life. This is what separates Christians and religious folk. I don't think I could possibly be the only one who sees this.

Religiously we really are fine. But Biblically ... it seems like we're worlds apart. With each day I live, the more I see the same thing that occurred at the Fall in Genesis 3. Humankind is so simple that it's brutally funny?

The thing I intended to point out was the word "belief." Aside from all charades and excuses for how hard our life is (and how pride tells us we have it sooo much harder than everyone else), if we were to be real with ourselves and each other, I'd wonder if we even believe the claims that Christianity (hence Christ) makes. If we took the stories as they were, with no buttering up, we would be demanded and commanded into humble, obedient, God-glorifying, selfless action. It's that simple and I think that perhaps that's why we refuse to read the Bible carefully and see what it actually says, lest we even read the Bible at all. Mark Hall of Casting Crowns echoes that "We'll live what we believe" ... Everyone has their own belief and theology of God. I wonder what it'd look like for that to flesh out at in our religious settings ... Does it line up with the Jesus of which the Bible acclaims, or is it the Jesus we want to fabricate to center around our own lives? This is what separates Christianity and religion. I fear that a lot of us live life on the latter ... Only problem with that is ... If we all we did was religion, Christ died for nothing!

The pride in me always wants to say "psh, you're past that fool" but the Spirit living in me is telling me to really search and flesh out the center of our faith. I've got a lot of studying to do.

Got one more test, 2 more papers, and finals left to go before I'm officially done with my first year of college.
-Help us Father.

Galatians 6:14

"But far be it from me to boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world."
-Galatians 6:14

Don't normally do this.

Since I just started this blog, you wouldn't know that this isn't normal of me. But I'd like to ask and plead for prayer. Between struggling to rush out all that's on this mind (rather in a complaining/self-pitying way) and deciding to not voice anything at all, I think in obedience I'm going to do neither and instead ask for prayer. And I'd ask for you to believe in the power and effectiveness of prayer while you do so.

Would you pray for God to reveal to me what is at fault in me? Fault in how I live, how I speak, how I act, how I do what I do, how I think. Fault in doctrine, assumptions, loving others, and fault on my view of who God is.

I'm convinced that I'm not totally wrong in some areas but I don't want pride and self-confidence override truth. Pray for the daily battle I face in this fight against the flesh, and this fight of comfort. Pray for courage. Pray for God to grow me more into a man. Pray for boldness as God knows there isn't enough of it in today's American church. Pray that I battle for truth and not to just be right. Pray that I rebuke/correct out of love and not pride. Pray that I wouldn't isolate myself the way I have been. Pray that I would stop neglecting. Pray that I would unapologetically and fearlessly say what God has put on my heart to say. Pray for me at those times when I couldn't feel any more on an island by myself ... as the only person fighting this battle. Pray against selfishness.

I'm going to also ask for prayer for certain individuals that I'll only name by first name: Luke, Jorge, Chris, Jodie, Adrian, Justin, Jason, Sean, Christine, James, Amelia, Michael, Josh, Taylor, Devin, Paul. If I kept typing, it would really never end but for some reason in this moment, God's put these people on my heart to ask for intercession for. I know it's hard to pray for people and situations that are as ambiguous and wide-ranging as these, but pray that God would help each of these people in whatever situations they're in and draw them ever closer to Him ... That the gospel would sink and ruin them ... That it would keep them up at night, wake them up in the middle of the night, make them wrestle over things, make them uncomfortable, make them feel like an alien in this world. Pray for brokenness to reveal the need and the clinging to the Savior. It sounds weird. Trust me I know, but I too often forget/neglect to pray for these people.

Pray for you. Pray for brokenness, vulnerability. Pray that God would lovingly and rebukingly show you and me that we can't fix ourselves ... That we never could and never can. Pray that God would start to unnerve you and 180 some things in your life that you're holding too dearly instead of Him. Pray that we'd stop whoring around with idols. Pray that we'd turn away from those things and turn to Jesus.

Pray that God would get the glory in all of this. Pray for strength against self. Pray for God to have mercy on us. Pray for repentance. Pray for obedience.
Awesome Father, thank You for law, for it shows us the necessity and unlimited power of the cross. Thank You for grace. Thank You for You.
We love You God. We want to be humbled enough to love You more. We need You more than we want to believe. Help and forgive us for our unbelief. Help us with our view of who You are, who Your Word speaks of. I fear our view of You is far too small.
-Jon, brother in Christ