Feeling Cheated Vent ... ?

I find myself asking "why?" to God a lot nowadays. If I'm honest I feel cheated of a lot of things that I not only really really want, but things that I think would grow me. Seeing a lot of my friends get to do all the things I wish I could and constantly having doors shut has taken its toll on me. At first I was okay with it all but year after year, summer after summer, school, school, school. I don't think there's been a time I can remember where I was like "I am angry with You God" and I don't know that this is one of them but I can tell you for sure that I'm frustrated. I think through it all, idolatry is being exposed more and more each day and the teaching that I would always preach to others is now teaching me: "God owes you nothing. Nothing at all. Everything is grace. He owes you nothing." I still feel cheated. I'm straight with my theology. I'm keeping my emotions in check. But all the while, there is this wrestling in me that is frankly frustrated. And in the end, I think I fear that the past will repeat itself again.

And this is where some of the "secret" sins in my heart start to get exposed. Where despite all the teaching I love, rests these thoughts that I didn't know was there ... That I didn't want to know was there. I feel like I've been a humble guy. If that makes me proud, it's because it's true. I care a crapload of what people think and even as I walk the campus, sometimes I wish people would look at me and admire me. I feel like I've done a lot of dying to self in college and service that no one else sees and a large part of me craves the attention. It craves it. I want recognition. I want applause. I want people to say good things of me. And you can Christianize the language of humility all you want and make you look real good. I'm aware of how manipulative I can be. If I say this, talk enough about this, do this, people will really start to think I'm a humble, Godly man. In all honesty, I find myself afraid if I do this. I don't go into things thinking this way butboy, do I know how it could be done.

Out comes my resume ... small group coordinator, exec team leader, the only one of my close friends who stuck through all of college with AFC, the guy with an opinion that people respect, the guy who's been a leader in ministry for 6 straight years, the guy who goes to and spends time in all the events, working at AWANA, helping out at his home church's events, the guy people get advice from, while all at the same time studying his bible, etc. And maybe if I'm honest to myself, I thought that these things somehow ... earned favor with God. And I hate using those specific words because I remember constantly saying to my hearers that no work of our hands can do that ... That to live under that system would make the cross dispensable. I know this theologically and historically yet here I am ... Thinking that somehow, God was supposed to give me this and give me that, provide me with this, and open up doors here because of what I did there. And it's ironic. The talk from the text of Romans 1:18-25 I will give in about 2 weeks is probably going to teach me and read me more than I think it will read "them." Boy do I need grace. I can't believe I started to think that all my "humble service" was supposed to do this and do that for me. What manipulation. What ignorance ... to think i could fool the God who created me and my mind. But ya, this is where I'm at. Having to do battle with Isaiah 64 and a number of texts that show the complete idiocy and futility of doing life this way. I've heard verse 6 so much yet here it is reading me tonight. I don't like this. I wish I didn't have to think about this and repent of my sin. I wish sometimes that this whole thing wouldn't matter to me anymore ... That it didn't win my heart and start to bring to surface the wickedness of my heart. And it's all permeated with irony. I think this is where I was going with the talk/testimony/sermon I'll be giving in 2 weeks. Romans 1:18-25. All my righteous deeds as filthy rags ... That before God, my resume shows more of my filth and depravity than it does my goodness. Thank God for God. Praise His name for sending Jesus to save scribes and pharisees like me. Praise His name for dining with them too.

I'm thankful for the "it is finished"-ness of the cross. Jesus, sometimes when my flesh starts to rise up, I want to ditch this following You thing. I want to give up. It'd be so much easier. I wouldn't have to think about life and hard things. I wouldn't have to wrestle with this whole "dying to self" thing. I wouldn't have to submit to Your lordship and authority. I could just live my life with me at the throne and me choosing what's true and best. I could do whatever I wanted. I wouldn't have to care about any of this "To Your name be the glory" stuff. I could spend my whole life on me. Yet, in spite of all these things, maybe Philippians 1:6 can bring me comfort tonight. Maybe despite my tendency to wander, You're keeping me as your son could win out. I'm a more broken guy than I want to believe. You know this. I'm asking that that gospel, that good news would undo me and sink me and bring me low. I need it. I need that blood-dripped cross. I'm such an ignorant sheep that wants to think he's got it together. Thank You for this process of sanctification. Thank You for loving me. Thank You for how You love me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation o God and uphold me with a willing spirit. May the weight of the gospel crush my pathetic, puny excuse of a resume. I need that grace, that cross to speak over me. I need You Jesus. Keep saving me. I'm a mess. Don't let my pride win out.

(It's weird but I didn't know this stuff was in my heart and as free as I thought the gospel was making me, I feel reluctant to post some of this. I started to think "what will so and so think if they read it?" and "no one would read this long crap anyway" but who knows. I started to question "man this is so loosely written ... just with no filter and I don't think I'd enjoy rereading it in the future" but I don't know right now that I have anything to lose. So if you read this, know that I'm a broken sinner. I've got things in my past that I didn't even know still wound me today. I still need the gospel of Jesus Christ to save me from myself. I need prayer too. I love you and hope the gospel wrecks you too.)
-Jon

Hardest thing for me so far in college.

The hardest thing for me so far in college (or maybe top 3) is one that I want to overlook ... Knowing that, God willing, I'll be doing seminary post-grad, and headed toward full time ministry ... while doing it all within a business major. There's so much angst I could type with the struggle and tension. I know I'm not the first who've taken this route but it's just hard to do the work necessary. I just need a sliver of life in these classes ... just one ounce will do ... that'll give me the energy to persevere ... cuz right now I don't want to do this at all. I haven't wanted to for 3 years.

I'm inclined to think my pride is blinding me from seeing that it's there already.

The struggle.

What a title right? ya, sorry. Don't mean to sound extra dramatic but this is in fact, a struggle.

The daily process of growing into a man involves the process of becoming like a child (Hear me though ... Not acting childish but becoming child-like).

It's a struggle for guys, for me, to not just cognitively know the biblical truth, but to actually believe and strive towards obedience in that biblical truth. My flesh wants nothing to do with this mess. Die to self? Yes, I'll agree on that principle. Walking in it?!? Heck no.

These past 2 weeks have been a stretch. To be honest, I don't know that I can even decipher what's going on anymore. I'm trying with all the vitality in me to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus, His cross, and His mission, yet if I'm gonna give an objective outlook on these past two weeks, it'd look like the following:Not extended grace - check+. Saw the speck while neglected the log-check+. thinking I'm right no matter what-duh. Abandoned the love I had at first- check. Ironic how God in His sovereignty uses His Bible to teach:

“To the angel of the church in Ephesus write: ‘The words of him who holds the seven stars in his right hand, who walks among the seven golden lampstands.

“‘I know your works, your toil and your patient endurance, and how you cannot bear with those who are evil, but have tested those who call themselves apostles and are not, and found them to be false. I know you are enduring patiently and bearing up for my name's sake, and you have not grown weary. But I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first. Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent, and do the works you did at first. If not, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place, unless you repent. Yet this you have: you hate the works of the Nicolaitans, which I also hate. He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To the one who conquers I will grant to eat of the tree of life, which is in the paradise of God.’-Revelation 2:1-7

I just wanna get back to being the Jon who knew nothing and didn't feel an identity crisis because he didn't. I wanna get back to being the Jon who recognized that He had absolutely no hope outside of Christ. NONE! His posture was one on his knees, and his face was not a pretty site because of the tears of crying out for help, for rescue. He knew how utterly dependent He was on God to come through. He recognized that there was no life without Him. When was the last time my prayer sounded like the woman who acknowledged God's justice, yet cried out: “Yes, Lord, yet even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their masters' table” (Matt. 15:27)? or the blind beggar who in the midst of a crowd that's telling him to shut up cries all the louder: "Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!" Where's that dependence a child has for his parents to provide food? That if they don't come through, He's a goner? Where is that freedom in confessing my absolute inadequacy and crying out for help?

Have I forgotten it altogether? Where is it? Have I really programmed in my mind that I'm past that? That the posture of the lame, the leper, the blind beggar ... that it's just elementary?

I'm not saying that I've lost the gospel altogether or haven't been walking with Christ. There have been rich, rich moments this past week where the presence of God has just overwhelmed me, despite the seeming chaos of the college life. And I can honestly say that I will go to the grave for the preservation of sound doctrine but I'm not talking about that here. I'm talking about posture. I just want to get back to the love I had at first. I always look back on my walk as a Christian and think "that Jon is a douche that needs to get punched" but I think I've neglected the moments of 16 year old Jon just crying for God to break him down if that's what it'd take for Him to recognize that He needed Him, needed a Savior. I want to get back there. Not taking steps back in faith by being childish, but steps forward in becoming child-like.

God, forgive me. There is much sin in this sinner. It doesn't come from nowhere. My heart's just wicked. It needs You to save it from itself. I need You to save me from myself. I have a lot of opinions, a lot of suggestions and preferences. And I think a lot of them are infallible. God, you know my heart. You know that I'm doing all that I can to not compromise the gospel ... To guard the good deposit well. But you also know how much filth is in it too. I think it's a scary thing that You know my heart but than I do because from what I know and see, it's gross. I ask you to expose sin that I can't see and You have been faithful. Sometimes I wish my prayers wouldn't be answered. God, you know all the darkness in the corners. You see past my walls, my fortified defenses. You see past my cheap attempts of theological manipulation. You see past a mouth that professes and a heart that's far from. You see it all. I think the crazy thing that the cry for justice in me doesn't want sometimes ... is that Your response is the sending of Your son to endure a punishment and penalty and shame that I should. Praise Your name that Your love overcomes my cry for justice. That grace beats out sin. That the power of the Gospel beats out my pride. I still can't get over the fact that You know everything about me and yet choose to pursue me at great cost of Your son. That not only do You do this, but You do it with a patience that I have no clue about. I am so prone to wander. So quick a transition it is to be in that posture of worship, to bask in the love of Christ, and then to one of childish, senseless rebellion. Forgive me for the anger in my heart at You? My frustration, my ungodly angst. I deserve no love. I deserve justice. But I can't ignore your Bible that says that there is no condemnation ... That there is no wrath. Thank You that in the midst of all my confusion and wandering, there is a solid, historical grounds for my hope. Thank You for the cross. Thank You for raising for my justification. My heart is so bent on justifying my sin, yet You became sin on my behalf. Help me believe that I'm loved on no merit of my own at all. Help me believe that grace is enough. I don't trust that You're a better provider and shepherd than I am sometimes. My baggage wont let me believe that You really do hold the universe together by the word of Your power. I'm scared. I'm scared sometimes that the futile plans of Satan will prevail, that Your church may crumble. I know and try my hardest to believe that the gates of hades will not prevail against Your bride but I can't seem to. Help me with my unbelief Father! Help me! I've got nothing without the power of the gospel. I can't save anyone. I couldn't even save myself. Yet, Jesus, you refused to save yourself on the cross for the joy set before you ... to save MANY. That's who You are. This is me just trying to put into words how short I fall from the glory of God. How sin-sick I am. I know You know everything I'm saying before I even write this, but maybe You're trying to teach me something Father. I don't know. I guess my cry is just that You'd help me. I want to be Your child, wrapped in Your arms. I want to be a man.

Here's for the 100th blogpost of my Baylor years. Hear my cry Father.
-Jon

Invisible Children and a guy named Tony.

[I've started to do my own journal and decided that I think I need this to be put out there for the public. So if it's different in any way, It's because it's raw in that it was not edited for the sake of guarding from emotion. But this is my heart ... As honest as it can possibly be. Jesus ... save(s).]

So I just got back from a screening from “Invisible Children,” a documentary film of how the country of Uganda is suffering from oppression of a terrorist group known as the LRA, and how a dream and vision birthed from Americans to set the oppressed free. I’ve never been to an event before until today and I was very glad that I did. Tony’s prayer request: “a better life” and “my brother david” who’s just starting high school back in Uganda. Man, I should have prayed with him.
My heart feels heavy. I guess I could sum it up as this:
In the end, is our resolve and success based on the freedom of those people and the meeting of their immediate needs of food, water, protection from an oppressive group? If we get all those things accomplished, is the mission a success? Do we find our most longing joy fulfilled in such?

So … What about the gospel? What about the message of Christianity? Jesus Christ, the God-man, taking on flesh, entering into our dirt and mess and proclaiming through word of mouth and deed that God is the greatest news of the universe? Was it not the claims of scripture that said “He who does not have the son, does not have life?” I mean, is shalom, shalom, if God isn’t there? If we got every injustice ended, every bit of oppression solved, every mouth on the planet of the earth fed, every woman sold into sex trafficking freed, every hope and dream realized, every fantasy of our ambition … but are not in relationship with the God of the universe … Have not been reconciled to Him, do not know of Jesus Christ … are we at a point where we still count that as success? As a win? As life?

I think John Piper said it best … (Paraphrase): Would heaven still be heaven if we got all [such things] and God were not there?

I’m scared. My heart is heavy. In the end, our solution to truly horrific, dark places isn’t Jesus. It isn’t the cross of Christ which has purchased at great cost of God’s only son, to be his son’s and daughters. It isn’t the blood soaked cross that has paid the debt we cannot repay. It isn’t the resurrection of ourselves from death to life, in light of the perfect man’s death and resurrection. If our solution tells nothing of our condition as sinners needing help AND having found one in Jesus, then what are we doing as Christians? I’m scared to say … If all these things, all that Christ did for us on that good Friday, if the resurrection on Sunday isn’t real and our solution to the true chaos and madness of this world, we’ve lost Christianity. We’re not Christians anymore and should stop bearing the title.

Father, help me. I’m not even sure if I’m sinning by typing this. I can honestly say my heart right now is not angry. It is frustrated though. I just don’t want to see my friends go down this route. It’s a trend. And they don’t see it. I mean, I know the hurt too. I walk in it daily. I see it. I hear it. I’m not downplaying the legitimate, absolute darkness of some parts of the world. All I’m pleading for is that we’d believe that the good news of Jesus Christ … The spotless lamb, dying the death we should have, bearing the title of “guilty” that we should have … I’m pleading we’d know that this is more than enough for our deepest aches and longings for a solution. Jesus, let your message be heralded with a faith that is so confident in the power of the message. I’m scared for my age group. I’m scared that we’re turning from thinking that You even care, and that You love us. Save us from ourselves and the futility of the twisted, confused parts of our mind. We need You. I need Your gospel to win my heart everyday. If not for that substitutionary, wrath-absorbing, sin-conquering death, I’ve got absolutely no hope. Even if I dedicate my life to a good cause and see great triumphs and feel great happiness from being a part of a reconciling mission … If I don’t know the message of Your reconciling the world to Yourself through the death of Your son, then I don’t have anything and I’m a guy most to be pitied for having walked in this for 7 years. God help us. Help me. Do not let me despair for I know that You finish what You start. So maybe, I’m just asking tonight … that You’d help me with my unbelief … with the fear that Christianity, and your church are losing it for good. Help me believe You’re stronger than that … That you take care of your sheep and love them enough to bring them back from the dark. From this whole experience, drive me more on mission, create in my heart a deep, deep passion to herald the greatest news of the universe. We all need it. Especially those who’ve grown up in the language. Be mighty, my God. Save.

May Tony, and his brother, David, come to know You God, the Creator of the universe. Forgive me for my lack of faith in not sharing it with him tonight. I hate my unbelief, my weakness. Ah, God, would you save and fix and repair and heal the horrific things of this world that we are helpless to change? Would You do it? Draw many to yourself Father, through aches and pains if necessary. We need You more than we can fathom. Jesus be a reality and a treasure to Tony and his brother and for Invisible Children. Be a real, true, beautiful treasure to this sinner too. I need You. That’s as much as I know. Help me. For my joy, and Your glory I ask these things. Blessed Be Your name, Jesus. Amen.
-Moody Lobby, 3/17/11, 8:57pm.

... Random insert: "Still he seeks the fellowship of his people, and sends them both sorrow and joys in order to detach their love from other things and attach it to himself"
-J.I. Packer

"Jesus and John" by Lisa Gungor

This just feels like an appropriate song to post at an appropriate time. Dont know what else to say.

I don't care.

It pains me to face the reality that I honestly don't care for a ton of things that the God of the scriptures does care a ton about. As compassionate and caring as I thought I was, I find my heart like stone when it comes to certain people and things and I don't like it. I don't want to be okay with this. I hate that I don't even care.

Father, as much as the gospel has and is transforming me, I pray that You would stir my heart with an even greater yearning to see and be part of You reconciling all things to Yourself.

Love

Oh, how He loves.

emphasis on the how.

I can't believe that the God who spoke the earth into being is jealous for me.