Written on 12/18/13:
I recognize over and over again that "The Pastorate" is just a means for God to most go after my own heart. I find more malfunctions and disconnects in me every week than I thought was possible.
I think it's okay to admit that in some way this transition has been a bit disorienting. A couple of months ago I was unemployed, frustrated, and more discouraged than I'd let people in on. I felt like a failure to my parents, myself, and probably to God. I remember looking at my resume and my transcript and just literally thinking "I'm so worthless. This is sad." Fast forward almost a half year later and now I'm in a new city, a new church, a new school and I'm trying to grow up but still seeing the nagging childish habits in me. I'm trying to not get weirded out every time a youth kid calls me "pastor" and a lot of me struggles not to see my value and worth as predicated on my influence and effectiveness.
Trying to shepherd youth as a guy who's just so new at this is mad humbling. I remember as a youth being so scared of everyone else's judgments on me that I ended up judging them ... even if they never said or did anything to me. And I don't know why but I feel like no matter what I do, I'm afraid of not being good enough at this thing. I'm not sure if now that I'm "in ministry," I'm supposed to protect people from seeing certain things but to be completely honest, there's only so many unresponsive small groups I can take. I understand it takes time and I'm never offended when people don't seem to care but part of me hurts for you because I know how utterly impossible this whole "job" is. Part of me just cries out because I'm always having to be reminded that salvation and sanctification is so utterly impossible without the Holy Spirit doing something man can't. The heart of man is so impenetrable, so hardened, unbreakable. There is no amount of preaching that can change a deadened heart, no matter how much I plead and pray and lay my heart out. I know that in some way it ultimately wasn't the people who invested in me and prayed for me ... but the Holy Spirit that gave me breath to breathe. It wasn't the programs or the events or the dynamic-ness of the preacher but God who saw that it would please Him to reveal Himself to me. Of course God used all the community of believers, winter retreats and faithful preachers to accomplish it but I remember how cold my heart was. I remember how dead I felt after the event was over. I used to distance people so much. I could never let my parents or my brother in and I never let the church get close. I was far off and I built more and more defenses to keep everyone out. I used to have this blog called "misjudged1" where I remember staying up late at night when everyone else was asleep in the house and I would write out my fears and somewhere in me was the question "Is this all there is?" I remember feeling like a failure with no hope.
And somewhere in these thoughts the thing I've learned in this latest chapter of life is that deep within me is an insecurity. Some days, I don't know that I can believe God loves me for who I really am, defenses torn down, raw.
Within every sin lies a need, an uncertainty of that question "Do You love me?" If only my eyes could behold Jesus. If only I could just be stuck looking at Him and His cross.
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Written today, 1/22/14:
To try to be more in touch with what the youth are going through and be influenced by (and because apparently my music makes them want to listen to their music ...), I've made a concerted effort to listen to more "mainstream" music the past 4 or so months (not a lot of indie-music lovers at my church youth group). I used to really not like mainstream during my college years and I thought I'd be listening to mainstream kinda as a student more so than music I'd enjoy listening to myself but I think I've ended up getting sucked into a lot of because a lot of it is so freakin catchy now haha. Anyway, long story short, I do believe that what we often give our ears, eyes, and minds to ends up penetrating into our hearts and our "subconscious theology." Having said all that jazz, I stumbled upon "Demons" by Imagine Dragons. Sick song, deep song:
"When the days are cold
And the cards all fold
And the saints we see
Are all made of gold
When your dreams all fail
And the ones we hail
Are the worst of all
And the blood’s run stale"
I wanna hide the truth
I wanna shelter you
But with the beast inside
There’s nowhere we can hide
No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come
When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide"
...
So this is when the preacher in me hurts. Or maybe just the person in me cries. They need to know and so do I.
-Jon
