Trying to Stay in Shape is Hard.

Trying to stay in shape in post-grad is pretty hard. Every time I watch basketball highlights or go the gym to watch and play, I get a temporary inspiration to "get back to being where I was." So when that inspiration hits this climax, I muster the strength and courage to go to the gym and tell myself "you're going to work for this." But it's not but the first time on the treadmill or the attempt to touch the weights that I'm reminded how hard all this stuff is. I go the basketball court to watch and imagine what I used to do but I lack the discipline to carry it out. My body reminds each time I try to do an explosive move that I'm not capable of being where I used to be. It's like I feel this weight that pulls me back from doing it. And as much as I push myself to carry through with the move, I can only hit these rare moments of being 60% as explosive as that guy. And I use excuses of being older and things not coming as easy as it used to be, but in the end, like in life, if you want it, you work hard for it. You beat your body to attain the goal. I have the desire but not the discipline.

And yet, it's in this that I find that it's very similar to how it is pursuing one's faith once you start to get older. Often times, retreats, conferences, the experience of college fellowships were great gifts from God to either enter us into the kingdom for the first time, pull us back when we stray, or outright shatter our preconceived notions of all that we thought we knew about Jesus. But when you strip it all away, and "life doesn't come as easy as it used to," the unsexy value of discipline is often what keeps you straining forward in the right direction. Most of us want to grow our spiritual lives and grow deeper with Jesus. We hear a great sermon, go to a great retreat or conference, and get this climax of inspiration to try again. But after the music stops, and the preacher goes home, what are we left with?

I think that at this point in my life, I realize the value of all those great things that the church and campus ministries put on. I'm super grateful for them all and hope to partner even more with them in the future. Heck, our church does them too. But if all we're chasing is an experience, or a "'new" take on Christianity, I'm afraid we're chasing a felt need more so than God Himself. Working out our salvation with fear and trembling is going to be a fight. Warding through all the counterfeit gospels, and lies of even "Christian culture" takes wisdom that only comes from God's word and the help of the Spirit to help us understand it. But may we stop making excuses or finger pointing for why we've grown stagnant or gone astray. May we instead come with a posture of lowliness and ask God to help us for it is Him who works in us both to will and to work for His good pleasure.

Sometimes the hard part of graduating college is that God removes the blinders and for the first time allows you to see idols you didn't even know were there. He does so in love. He does so for our refinement. He does so for our joy. He does so for future ministry to the nations. He does so for His glory.

Finally Back with a random life update.

This is probably the longest I've gone withot posting anything public on my blog. It feels weird. I don't know that it was intentional to not blog for so long, but there probably was a little of Zechariah in me waiting to make sure I had some clarity on what to say publicly at least. Not saying I've finally arrived at something profound to say but part of me misses blogging, as I do believe blogging has helped form and solidify my thoughts/faith in ways that no other medium can. But a lot has happened in the past 5 months. Great things, tough things, not-sure-what-to-deem things:

I'm going on three months in a relationship with a pretty girl I really like (though I think I compliment her too much) and get to serve along with at church; I'm now living with another married couple (whom I also really like and get to serve along with at church); and I somehow survived that last semester despite making unwise decisions with my time. Youth ministry continues to be challenging, and I've grown a little bit more in being a little more "unashamed" to be a pastor ... Ha ... Though this past Sunday I reverted back to introducing myself as the "youth guy" (kinda lame). I've gotten to a point now where I think the "honeymoon" part of being a pastor is gone and I'm getting to know the kids in ways that I can more clearly see a little more of who they are ... including the good, bag, and ugly. And the scary thing is that the honeymoon phase between the youth pastor and youth is kinda ending now for them as well. They get to see more and more of me ... including the good, bad, and ugly. I've noted to myself from the beginning that if I was ever to pastor, I wanted to emulate what Paul said in 1 Thessalonians 2:8 and share with the youth not only the gospel of God, but also [my own self]. And there's a leveling of the image of "mature pastor" that comes with that price. But I can still say with confidence that I'm reaping some of the fruit from that decision, even if it costs me my pride. 

I don't know that I experienced a "drought" season in my faith the last year or so, but it's the closest I've felt to it in my whole life. And coming out of that this past semester has been slow, but beautiful to me. Beautiful to see the restorative power of God's word, and the fact that it stays the same despite my flesh's failings. It's beautiful to think about the fruit that comes from the un-glamorous time spent little by little through this sacred book. And it's exciting to me to know how much I really don't know of it lol. Every time I finally catch a little glimpse of the story of God, it makes me want to want more. Man, I wish I wanted to want it more. Spirit help me. 

Yay summer mission trip in the end of July! It'll be my first time leading one ... Gah! Nervous/Excited ... haha.

All that to say, I gotta sleep now or I'll owe the Qins $5 (we're doing this deal that if I sleep past 3 I have to pay for it ... literally). But I felt I should at least write something to document where I'm at now. More thoughts, there's always more thoughts. But that's for later. 

Grateful for the patience of God,
-Jon

Little word picture (What Sanctification Might Look Like)

I think in the past when people wanted to know how you were doing spiritually they'd ask something along the lines of "How's your walk with Christ/God?"

I read an article or something perhaps that CS Lewis wrote asking something along the lines of "What are you praying for nowadays?" as a more pointed way to get deeper into that question.

Regardless of how you ask it, I think I can attempt to answer that question with a little word picture.

Right now, when it comes to me and God, I feel like I'm in a new land again, tasting clues or hints of God's grandness but at the same time I feel like God's like this dad that is smiling, asking me to come play and see what He's up to. He's a little ahead of me on the journey but He's somehow with me yet calling me to come to Him and not look back. I feel a little behind though. I feel like I can only catch little bits of what He's saying. To me, it's a victory just to understand one or two things He's saying or showing me. 

Does this sound confusing? Probably it does. Because sometimes I feel like God's so grand, His word so vast in reasons for worship that I can only behold maybe one or two semblances of it of Him and all that He's trying to teach me. I constantly feel like my life is just trying to "catch up" to where He is and where He's leading me. At first glance it seems like a bit of dissonance and maybe it is, yet when I picture this, I see Him strangely with me, yet ahead of me as well. I see Him smiling; there doesn't seem to be guilt in this picture. Just an invitation for more. And every time I take a step forward or say "yes" to one of those little invitations, I feel encouraged that perhaps this is what sanctification is: Learning to walk in who I really am, the Jon Lau God created in His image, the Jon Lau still carrying but not defined by the hurts and habits of sin and its consequences, the Jon Lau made new, united in Christ, by the seal of the Holy Spirit, able to actually see all that I am in Christ. I think that's how I picture it. I've always known cognitively that "Jesus loves me" but I think that truth is beginning to carry much more weight and substance as I'm learning how much Jesus knows me. Because what I see inside is a guy 3 steps behind, a guy who should be more holy, a guy who should be more courageous, a guy who should be more proactive. Yet I also am beginning to see a Father who still smiles, still beckons, still invites, still shows patience, still loves. 

I don't know where I picked it up from. Maybe a preacher said it a lot, but It's been put into my heart that when it comes to life with God, "there's always so much more." And I feel like I'm learning sanctification is learning to live in just that "so much more-ness." I guess it just takes practice and faith in the gospel to keep going even during the seasons where it feels like you have no strength to take one step forward. 

Well, this is my 3:30am reflection. I don't much care to tidy this one up through revision. It is what it is. 

Heh, I chuckle in how God speaks through those blank pockets of silence in the 3:30am night where I'm forced to hear my heart, its longings, its questions, and what God thinks about it all.  

Jesus, it's been a journey. I know there's always much more life to be had. Let's goooo,

-Jon

Dear FECDB Youth,

You have my heart. Thanks for letting me serve you, for putting up with my semi-awkwardness, for bearing through my corniness, for being patient when I trip up, for trusting me to be your shepherd even through my inconsistencies and despite my fatigue and terrible sleeping habits. You have my heart.

One of several things I've aspired to do with you all is "share with you not only the gospel of God but also [my own self], because you have become very dear to [me]" (1 Thessalonians 2:8), and I thank you for receiving me despite such a quick transition for the both of us. You truly have been a visible, tangible evidence of God's grace and love on my life.

I still can't believe it's only been a little over a year to have been with you all ("yawl"). I remember being a stranger and being awkward, and truth be told, some of you definitely intimidated me at first haha. Lol, it’s been a great first year and I know that God has done great things through us and for us, but I believe with my whole heart that God has a lot more for us to journey in together as one family. That's the cool thing about following Christ; there's always more of Christ to be had, like an everlasting buffet ... that never runs out of food and where you never get quite full. Remember, there’s always more. If you stop believing that, you’re not following the true (biblical) God. He’s really that good.

As we approach 2015, my hope and prayer for us is that we might so much fixate our eyes on Christ that we begin to continually stop fixing on ourselves and our needs and our sin, and instead gaze on how to serve and spur one another on … that we might really be brothers and sisters to each other. Indeed, there's more joy in Him than anything else we "chase." There's more joy in finding our satisfaction in Him than looking to counterfeits that will prove and have proven to never fulfill you. There's more joy in Christ in fighting for community and service than throwing pity parties of unmet expectations. Please fight to get this when the busy-ness of our schedules come, when the days get dark, and when the lies of Satan come to convince you that you really are alone and that no one “gets” you or cares. Fight for your own joy, fight for each other’s. Fight for mine. It’s hard, this following Jesus thing, but it’s worth it.

I can’t promise much to you. It seems like God continues to reveal more and more sin that needs to die in me so as much as I appreciate you guys calling me awesome, I know the truth haha. But there are a couple things I can promise you. I promise that I'll fight with you, alongside you, and maybe even yell at you at times to help you fix your eyes on where true life is found. I can promise more mistakes will be made and that as we continue to get to know each other deeply, you'll see more and more of my flaws, insecurities, and my sins. But I also promise that if you'll fight with me, for each other, for the renown of Christ and your own joy, we'll be able to come to the end of 2015 with our minds more blown away, our hands strengthened, and our hearts more full. I love you all. I love getting the privilege to be your pastor (still weird for me to get my head around). And I long for those of you who aren't currently with us, those of you who are currently far off and don't know the greatest news in the universe quite yet. FECDB Youth, let's let them know the freedom and joy found in our God. Glorify Your name Father through our little church. Thank You for gifting them to me.

 
Because of Christ,
-Jon

A Year and Four Months

Sometimes it's still hard to believe. No, this is not some kind of announcement of being in a relationship for a year and four months leading up to a proposal. Seems like that's happening a lot nowadays. But as 2015 just began yesterday, it's been a time of reflection where my closest friends here agree with my reflections that it's felt way longer than just a year and four months of living out here in LA. It's crazy. 

... I remember as I was approaching the end of college during my "super senior" years at Baylor, I felt a very real understanding of how the future really is up to God's sovereign plan and really was out of my control. I was finishing with a 2.9 GPA, no real internships, no job prospects, and not sure what to make of coming back home to live with my parents and start getting involved more with the home church now that I was going to be around.

Those 6 months were tough. I didn't have a ton to look forward to. It felt aimless, with only League of Legends and weekly Tuesday nights of basketball to keep me going. Everything felt like vapor, just empty motions of trying to do what "adults" do, or at least trying to get to that place of doing what adults do. I don't know, I guess it just felt super alone and directionless ... and league and baskeball helped me not feel it so much.

But even as I think about college and my attachment to home in Houston, Baylor really was a time and place I felt convicted that God had sovereignly (and strategically?) placed me for my own growth. But a lot of that growth came at a cost to the people I had spent my previous 18 years of life with, the people I had grown to love and were indebted to for their raising of me. I would come back often as a Freshman, but as most college students do, that number grew less and less to about once or twice a semester during my senior year ... basically when there was an event at church to volunteer to serve at. 

I remember thinking how hard it was for me when my brother and my older friends went off to college; how communication dwindled in frequency. And I thought to myself "I want to keep in touch when I leave," but I inevitably found myself repeating the process. I used to feel guilty about this, but over the years at Baylor, I felt a strange confirmation and freedom of "letting go" in a sense. I could let go of the weight I felt of people thinking I just ditched them and traded them in for other friends. God had called me to waco, to invest in making deep Christian friendships, to disciple, to equip, to learn, to be mentored, etc. But somewhere in the back of my mind (or bottom of my heart), I always wondered how my family from Houston really felt about it. I mean, no matter how hard I tried to keep up, it felt different when I came back. Was it me that changed? Them? Or both? Did I do something wrong in leaving? 

When I ended up moving back to Houston it was hard because it was like I was trying to resume relationship with a people that I grew up with but had lost regular contact with over the last 4 years. They were supportive and it was awesome when I came back into town, but they weren't physically there to know what exactly the majority of those 4.5 years were like ... what I had learned and what I was getting rocked with. And there were new people I had never met or really gotten to know now. Not to mention that the younger kiddos I was so afraid of neglecting were still in college. So even though I was still decently active, I struggled those 6 months with community. As time passed, somehow in the midst of a lot of those things, when things were beginning to finally feel normal and I was starting to find a bit of a rhythm, God "opened a door"...

To El Paso for 10 weeks? Ya, it still continues to be a fog of what exactly God was doing in that time and place as an intern over there but that's another blog post. And then after Chris and Esther's wedding following that internship, I was under the belief that I'd get a chance to redeem so much of the apparent failure I felt from the previous 6 months before El paso. Heh. Nope.

I still remember the day (where I was, who I had been with, etc.) when I received a phone call from Benjamin that day that would propel me to begin my 22 hour drive to Los Angeles a whopping 3 days (was it really only three days?) later. It was pretty unexpected ... So much so that there wasn't really any time to prepare, much less pray. Scratch that, there really was no time to prepare. It was like an "open door," yes, but more like an open door on a freakin airplane in flight. Heh, I just made that up, but it definitely felt something like that where even the 22 hour drive felt like I was being taken by God to this foreign land to begin a "new" journey.

I have lived in Southern California for the past year and 4 months now. It's been challenging. I've experienced great joys, great pains, great laughs, great loss. Overall I've experienced great testing and the need to persevere and stick things out even when my heart and flesh fail me. Even on the days where I feel useless, inadequate, and pathetic. I've realized my need for the gospel in a way that isn't cookie-cutter and cold truth statements, but also realizing that the core truths of our faith are what I my soul most needs (The incarnation really is probably one of the biggest ones). I've seen the long-term benefit of sitting in the scripture over a course of time, even when I don't necessarily "feel" it at the moment.

[Tangent: To this day, a lot of my teaching and heart for people is that they'd get the importance of "church" and necessity to sit under the Bible. Underneath the cross of Christ, these two things always come out because they are what have held me sane when nothing else could. I mean ... sometimes you go through seasons where everything you speak to God feels void and sometimes you just need to hear Him speak to you. Eh, tangent done.]

As I was thinking about the seeming turmoil I still feel about how I left Houston for El Paso, only to come back and leave yawl (and now in addition to the Baylor family) again for LA, there was a weight of sadness I felt that recognized that the people most in my life are different now. And just as it was in Waco, it is hard for me not to almost feel a weight of guilt for leaving the way I did. I wish I could have left a lot more smoothly. I wish it wasn't so abrupt. I wish I didn't feel like I traded yawl in without much more than a word to say how much I love and care for you ... In the end, I know God drove me out here. I know He's called me out here and provided an outline of what He might have for me for the next however many years in the form of a degree plan and position at my church. But it doesn't mean I don't struggle with this feeling of guilt. It doesn't mean I don't want to cry about accepting the fact that a majority of you wont be in my life as much anymore. Eh, it just sucks because who I am today is very much a reflection of who you are and it feels like a very real part of me has been stripped away only to deal with the tension of seeing you all again for a few hours each time I come back.

As I was laying on bed thinking about this all, I heard my mind say "the life I now live," referring to this life in LA in comparison to what it was in Houston and Waco, but instead of the thought completing itself, I heard a verse I had memorized in college complete the sentence "(the life I now live) in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me" (Galatians 2:20). I feel confident enough in my studies to know the overall exegetical argument for the book of Galatians, but somehow I felt the Holy Spirit still speaking that same truth (of grace) in a way that is big enough to bring even this particular "guilt" before. 

The church is not limited to one city, or one place, or one type of people. The bloodline of faith in Christ calls us all as ONE family, one Church. I guess that I can trust that this bloodline is stronger, no matter the frequency or distance of communication. 

Love yawl fam,
-Jon