Funny running

I wrote a paper titled "Easier to Run" for a class last semester. The theme is ambiguous enough to relate to all aspects of life really. I just didn't think it'd be directed at me this poignantly.

I admit there are certain areas I'm rock strong at and some areas where I'm as unstable as a house built on sand. I've gotten good at appearing strong when I know where I'm most vulnerable and afraid. There's this one area ... It's a pretty big one where fear reigns instead of Christ. It's ironic really. I know that years from now I'll remember how I feel right now and I'll laugh at my silly attempts to go against God's sovereign will. As for now, I foolishly try to fight it ... Knowing that this summer was going to be the one where I'd let go.

I care a crapload of what people think of me. I hate that about myself. But self-loathing isn't going to get me anywhere.

...

I've been home a week now and I can honestly say that I don't feel "at home." No, that doesn't mean I don't feel welcome or that things are wrong here at my house. My family is just as loving as before. I just don't feel like this is my home. I think the more God increases and I decrease, the more I'll feel like I wasn't made for this world. I can't explain it but this is where I'm at right now. Praise God ... even if it feels I'm the only one going through the storm while everyone plays in the sun.

Yes, I am aware of the key word in the previous sentence. Feelings are so temporary. About a week ago, a girl at REC Week said that one of the greatest pieces of advice she's heard and learned over the years was "Follow your heart." My heart breaks for those who aren't able to discern truth and lie. Our hearts are wicked and they deceive ourselves. They produce feelings that go against all wisdom. We can't follow our hearts. They fluctuate and deceive far too often to trust. We must, with a fiery urgency follow the God who knows our hearts.

Father help us.
-Jon

What day is it?

So I just got back from "REC Week '09." It's an InterVarsity (various colleges participate in it) equipping conference/retreat type deal. It was quite the experience. It was everything I kinda thought it would be but not really ... all at the same time.

I'm too confused to even begin to try to put my thoughts into words.

It was really such a worshipful week. So much happened. So much. So much confusion ... laughter, thinking, rethinking, questioning, brokenness, more laughing, planning, humiliation, joy, etc. Praise God.

Next year will be very challenging for me. It's one thing to do something you believe in but it's another to trust that even if you don't agree with some or a lot of things, that nothing is outside of God. That's how I feel about my fellowship group called "AFC" (Asians for Christ).

-Shout out to all those of AFC who went to REC Week '09. I've really grown to love each and every one of these people as family. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to find a community like this apart from home back in Houston but God really has been gracious. Each of the 19 (I think it's 19) that went I truly love and hope to continue to do life with. Speakin just for my brothers out there, praise God for brotherhood.

As for now I'm focusing more on the next 3 months. I know God's going to really test me, challenge me, break me, and humble me more. I feel like I got a healthy dose of that last week but knowing how faithful and sovereign God is, I know it'll only be more of this, and perhaps up to another degree. Whether that be with summer school, a job, ferociously and relentlessly studying the Word more, helping out with CBC, missions, being more active and missional with my choices, or whatever, I am almost certain God is going to keep invading this heart that wants to cling to created things or people rather than the Creator Himself. Jesus is going after my whole heart and he's taking it a little more each day. I thank Him for it. Not sure if that sounds right but this is my 2am, extremely exhausted mind typing this.

I've never been so emotional and physically fatigued to this degree. My rhythm is so throw off that I've almost woken up everyday this past week not knowing what day it was. My head has been pounding today. My emotions are confused. My body is weak (I was so slow playing ball today). But my soul still has peace. I am so disgustingly bad. But God is so beautifully good. Hallelujah.
-Jon

Repentance: Turning away from sin and towards Christ.

Posted at 2:44am ...
It's always easier to talk and assume when things hit you'd respond to it right.

But it's different when that very thing you advise your friend to do is something that gets right up in your own grill. This is when you get to see whether the words you say are words that you yourself believe.

I feel like (I'm starting to get a lot more cautious about opening with this phrase) I'm running away from what I know God's called me to do. I'll go back and forth about it. But sometimes you just start to think ... what do I think the most about? What gives you the most joy? What tears you up the most?

I'm scared. I'm scared to face some deep heart issues. I'd rather run from them, deny they exist, and build myself up by comparing myself with others that appear to be lesser than me. If that sounds conceited/selfish/wretched/pharisee-like, it's probably because it is.

God's still working on this horrifically wretched heart. God, help me.

...
Posted at 4:16am ...

Repentance has never looked so beautiful and clear as it is now.


This year's lesson: The more I see the wretched humanity in me and not just in other people, the more I see/cling/bow before/find peace and rest in Jesus ... who loved/loves me regardless.

"He must increase, but I must decrease."
-John 3:30
(I've had this verse posted at the top left corner of my xanga for years but never has it been fleshed out so clearly. Praise God.)