Learning

Upon learning Jesus' love for me, it's been a process to love others the same way. One step at a time. Here we go for the rest of what God's given me for Senior year.

"Sophomore Year Reflection"

If you know me and are quite the observant, you'll notice that I am in fact not a sophomore in college anymore. I am in fact a senior but this is something I found on facebook ... I never published it but left it as a draft. It's funny how God works and speaks to me. I consider the post a note to self ...

"I feel like my sophomore year of college is filled with a lot of things I've learned/noticed/went "hmm ... interesting ..." to, but this one particularly sticks out to me ... I've concluded this about the nature of ... people:

We violently war to surround ourselves with as many "new" hobbies, trinkets, relationships, philosophies, theologies, vain pursuits, and cheap thrills as we can if only they serve the purpose to avoid looking at our hearts at all costs. Frankly, we don't want to deal with our sin.

We're scared of deliberately making time to ask ourselves what's really going on in our hearts because we're afraid what we'll find ... or we'll come to the point where we come face to face with a sin that we already knew was there but just didn't want to face ... For me, my sin is school. I'll play more basketball, do more Bible-reading, or help out more with AFC sometimes, if it would serve the purpose to avoid looking at my own heart. The thing that gives me complete assurance and trust in the Bible is that it paints this same picture of the sinful nature of man. If you go from Genesis to Revelation ... er ... I think Paul sums it up well:

"For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me."

-Romans 7:15-20

The thing that compels me about Jesus is that he cuts straight to the heart and relentlessly goes after it. In the end, I think those of us who have been around church and have done the Bible reading know He does this for our own good and joy, yet there's something in us where we don't want to do the hard work of self-examination. We don't ever want to come to grips with that feeling in our gut that knows we're off and we'll do whatever it takes to silence that voice. In the end, we'd prefer to be our own savior because we don't want to be honest with who we are: sinners who can never cure this disease in us. We know cognitively that Jesus stretches out his hand to heal, but I think in the end we simply don't want to go through the pain and humiliation in the process of healing. We're afraid.

So perhaps the reason growth or any semblance of a relationship with Christ seems so far sometimes is because we're constantly telling the Holy Spirit:"Shut up! Don't go there. See this? This is mine God. Stop telling me I'm off. I thought you wanted me to be happy! Stop it! I'm the one who calls the shots for MY life. I'm God, not You. Shut up!"

My plea for you and for me is that in view of the cross and all that Jesus accomplished that dark Friday, is that we'd turn and repent from our sins of pride, our mistrust, our arrogance. My plea is that we'd forsake our sin and instead put our hope and trust in Jesus because we really do believe that He's for us and not against us. Jesus, keep exposing our hearts and leading us to life. The more we tell you to be quiet, the more we're robbing ourselves ... the more we're killing ourselves. May the love you demonstrated on the cross drive out and crucify our fear. You're better. You're worth it. Help us sinners.

"So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin."

-Romans 7:21-25

Repentance leads to life. God grant us repentance."
-Sophomore Jon writing to Senior Jon.

Different year.

It's a really different year. It just is. It's a battle everyday to be unashamed of the gospel. I struggle with really really wanting things to work to which God has not called me to. I struggle with figuring out how to "equip the saints for the work of the ministry" in the context of discipleship relationships. I struggle with the idea that God's calling me to pastor. I struggle with battling thoughts in my head for why I'm not good enough to be one and why I should pursue something else. I struggle with the question of how much I really want God.

I like 116 clique/Reach Records and their music and all. Yet, I find myself somehow always hiding the greatest news there is.

What I have learned so far this year is that holy discontentment is good and healthy but so is holy contentment. Today I got to "tag-team" share the gospel with a freshman international student from China. And as I was interchanging with Aug and explaining the heart of Christianity being that we can't fix what's fractured in us but that God intervened and freed us back to pursue Him, me and Aug laughed (our form of debrief) as we noticed how emotional we were having basically proclaimed it at Jimmy John's. We really believe that what's wrong in the world isn't so much a cause of everyone else's flaws but we firstly take ownership of our sin and our rebellion and God's abounding, never-run-out mercy that He loves and redeems what was so enslaved and falling apart.

I need that basic Christian message. I just do. It's "Basic Christianity" that's so extraordinary. That Christ doesn't wait for sinners to get it together but simply comes, identifies, and saves. Thanks for the cross Jesus. Thanks for paying the debt I couldn't repay.

Thanks for the gifts You give everyday Father ... Much of which I don't even recognize are given. Thank You for giving me an opportunity to share the gospel everyday and for giving me the faith to go for it one step at a time. Thank You for having perfect patience with me and for being the perfecter of my faith as well as its founder and author. Thank You for saving a sinner like me. Thank You for random praise jams at the suspension bridge here in Waco with believers and unbelievers in that circle. Thank You for putting the students we shared the gospel with in that circle. Thanks for drawing Jeffrey to Yourself thus far. Keep wooing Him Holy Spirit. Awaken Him to the beauty and weight of the reality of Jesus. Save him and continue to save us from ourselves. Thank You for the grace of the local church. Teach me more everyday Father. Give me ears to hear.
-Jon