Opened doors, closed doors (a snippet of the past 4 years)

I don't know about you but I've found that having an honest conversation and dialogue with God can be hard, not because I don't believe He loves me or anything but because I think I'm already being pretty honest with him.

I don't know what it is or what season He has me at in this point of my life but I found myself just having a different tone of dialogue with Him and it finally came out what I was feeling in my heart but never really audibly voiced to God what He and I both already knew: I hate the path He's had me on. Or ... I hate the path He has me on.

The past 4 years I can't attempt to summarize in a blog post and even the thought of such exhausted me but it just seems like one of the most tangible evidences of God's love and provision and kindness towards me in Christ Jesus is closed door after closed door after closed door followed by a seeming out of nowhere opened door followed by opened door followed by opened door. The picture that comes into mind is just this God who is paving the way for where He wants me ... clearing out the junk that might be good for me but not BEST for my joy and His glory. I can't tell you the amount of frustration of every closed door I've had to sigh about and pity myself for. I can't name every moment where I've asked God "why does he get what I want? Why does he get it so easy? What about me? Have you forgotten about me?" only to have to be reminded of the gospel of Jesus that squeezes out self-pity and pride.

One of the things I said to God came when the Holy Spirit was gripping my heart by having me hear testimonies of God's faithfulness for other college students at church this past Sunday and it was kind of shocking to me to have heard myself. It was this tear-filled question of "Why do You even want me to do ministry?" I don't know how that question came about or why I was so undone but there I was, strangely encouraged, strangely sanctified.

All that to say, I still, even at this 1:29am in the morning moment, don't know where exactly God's placing me. The approach to this summer has been astoundingly confusing for me and I think I'm seeing more doors open and other great ones close, yet here I am trying to pray and discern, trying to be on mission where I'm presently at, trying to listen to what He's saying by the washing of the word, and trying to trust Him wherever He leads me. By grace, this is going to be an awesome summer.

I haven't always liked or approved of the way You align things and circumstances and people in my life Father. But one thing You've made crystal clear ... You're the best there is. You're the most worthy. You're the most valuable. Help me want You above all else, even this possible ministry thing.

God, I'm so impatient. You know this. Keep pruning.
-Jon