Long time.

Feels like I've been here at Baylor for a longgg time.

Somehow, ridiculously excited that I get another semester after this one. By grace, goin out hard for the name of Christ. None of this coasting business.

Great needs and a great hope.

Part of what's formed in me these past couple of years is in regards to certain issues/problems/needs on campus is this sense of hopelessness ... It sounds like this in my head: "That's the way things are. Accept it." It's usually followed by a self-justification that goes like: "You're graduating soon anyway. You've done your part." It's funny that I speak as if God had not ordained and graciously given me another semester here.

Sitting at moody again like the good ol' days and I just can't help but feel this weight ... Oh how much this campus needs to know good news. It needs to know of something that has been done for it, not something it can attempt to do. It needs a "gospel." It needs news that brings liberating joy.

It astounds me to this day that a vessel God would use to herald such a precious message is someone like me ... so mixed-motive, easily satisfied, attention-craving, full of holes ... that often feels on the very cusp of disqualification when it comes to speaking about Jesus. I possess no ability to change a heart. But somehow, I often ponder the beauty and excellence in how God's done this for so long. In the end, maybe this is exactly why He does it. If God could work through the most sinful and "disqualified" of us all to save the souls of men, perhaps the testimonies of "That had to be God!" is what makes Him seen as most precious. Glorious.

Grant me courage Father.

Fellow saints, pray Ephesians 6:19-20 on me and the brothers and sisters here at Baylor that too are struggling to trust and obey. There's too much joy at stake to cower in unbelief.

It's like ... I almost forgot that the gospel has power to transform, to invade. May our testimonies remind us. Oh that You might encounter us Jesus. That you might become a beautiful, freeing reality. Jesus, invade this campus I ask for the glory and renown of Your name.

The supposed process to growing up and things we already know.

Somewhere along the lines of slowly transitioning into adulthood, it's like a common code that no one is explicitly verbalizing but is genuinely accepted to be true: The older you get, the more REAL life gets, the more brutal the way things are, the more brutal the way people are ... "Trust yourself above all else, and a few others tops, but watch your back always." At least, this is what I hear in my head.

I want to say that I trust people fairly easily and am one to be trusted but what God's been chipping away at in my pride is that I have this fear that people will disappoint me and end up "abandoning" me to figure out how to grow up on my own. It's just a thing that's there in my heart ... especially when it comes to ministry. I have this fear that despite the fact that I, without a doubt, know that I have friends and family and church family who love me, in the end, it's gonna be me, myself, and me. I don't know the source of this weird thing about me but sometimes I just hear the voice "ya, you know that's true. You know it's gonna get harder post-college. Prepare for it now and deal with it when it comes. Everyone else had to." And sometimes I believe that ... Or at least I find myself living that way.

All that to say, my goodness does my heart incessantly need Jesus to do some repairs. Heh, that's it about that. It's something I struggle with because for real, for real (and you know it got real when i just said it twice lol), most of who I am today, I WANT to take ownership of. Every good thing, every bit of maturity, semblances of Christ-likeness, love and knowledge of the scriptures, etc., I want to say is something I, Jon Lau, have worked for. So on our drive back to waco earlier today, my bro Devin was talking about how God was showing him how much he pitied himself and when crap hits the fan, I always go back to the feeling that I was left myself to figure things out ... From "how does this Christianity thing work?" to "how's a Christian supposed to view dating?" to "how do grow up to be a man?" to "how can I be a better drummer, basketball player, leader for AFC," etc., etc., etc. It's such blatant pride ... And yet it's my refuge in some ways when things get tough or I simply don't get my way. And maybe along the way, I've found that it's a trust issue ... with people yes, but with Jesus more.

It's like somewhere along the lines of becoming a Christian by hearing a gloriously liberating message of what Christ did on the cross and conquering death, you get to a point where "it's on you." Galatians would put it this way: "Having begun by the spirit, are you now being perfected by the flesh?" and we start thinking that any growth we may have is directly predicated on what we can do, how we can do it, and how much will power and fortitude we can muster to execute all those things. It's so quickly a terrible transition from resting in the finished work of Jesus' cross to a lifestyle of self-dependence.

It's hard for me to get (heck I'm so prone to forget by the time I wake up in the mornings) that Christ went to the cross while I was at my worst and that His love doesn't change just because I prove myself inconsistent and shaky at trusting Him. It's a funny, slippery slope ... but just because I know and can articulate these truths doesn't excuse me from trusting in them. What perverse, broken hearts we have to think that an acumen of truth excuses us from application of it.

But ya, just some things that have been on my mind. I find it helps me to type it out and I figure it doesn't hurt for people to let whoever wants to read it to read it.

Summary: I need Jesus. The cross is all I've got. I'm prone to wander into self-dependence, which is the opposite of the gospel. And I'm grateful that Jesus keeps working on me.

*Heh, there's other good things going on life I suppose but I feel these to be most helpful for me to articulate. Peace.*
-Jon

Luke 18:16

Somewhere in the transition from teenager to "young adult" to "real world adult" is the notion that as you and I mature, our minds are supposed to conform to the notion that the real world is just the way it is and you better get on board or else be left behind to reap the consequences of your lack of ambition and "go get it."

Somewhere in the process of "growing up," you're supposed to learn to distrust people, rely on yourself, and make things happen. Things are the way they are, and you can't pretend you're a kid anymore in a fairyland ideal. The real world is the real world. Adapt.

And this is where the nostalgic Jon comes out and starts to think about the times as a kid where life was really simple ... really beautiful really. There wasn't so many problems; no drama whatsoever; nobody you had to get approval from. It was just me, smiling a ton, making terrible jokes in an Australian accent because life was meant to be enjoyed. It doesn't necessarily take a John Piper reader to have understood as a kid that "God is most glorified when we are most satisfied in Him." It's something some of us knew to be true. It was in us. And now that I'm far removed from whatever that reality was, somehow life becomes more of a fight for survival and an identity crisis ... totally dependent on whatever way we gauge success. You gotta get the GPA, gotta get the internship, gotta get the job, gotta get the Godly wife, etc., etc., etc. And it's like some kind of pressure, a weight if you will, that if we're not careful, we'll let enslave us and all of the sudden, let that "dream" of ours command and capture our very longings, affections, and our schedules.

I'm just throwing up a thought right now, but maybe Luke 18:16 can bear some weight for me. Maybe "growing up" in a sense is "growing down" and just crucifying independence. Maybe sanctification looks a lot more like losing your life, loosening your grips and trusting that the only unwasted life is a life spent enjoying Jesus and making known that He is a sweet Savior for all who might finally be tired enough of the works of their hands and come to a savior who is able, a savior who is worthy to follow as King.