Random musings #2309

If only I could have the courage to receive the love of God in Jesus Christ.

"With much wisdom comes much vexation"

"If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy, I can only conclude I was not made for here."

To live is to risk.

Sometimes I don't ever want to preach another sermon. And then it'll take me about a week before I realize that I can't not do it.

Deep down I ask the question "why me?" a lot.

I do this weird thing when I'm in public where I just start to wonder what strangers would conclude about me based on how I present myself. #Insecurity

Sometimes God's grace and mercy feels rather cruel and cold but I know it's still gracious and merciful.

Strangely encouraged but I think I might have the gift of hospitality (it's not only limited to having people over to your house). Though I think this was evidenced during the 505 days.

I have come to meet a host of unique, hilarious, Christ-exalting people. I know the reality is that I may not see some of you ever again but somehow I know we're still in this together. You inspire me and excite me on how you're pushing back the darkness of this world and making way for the light of Christ.

Moving out here was probably harder than I allowed myself to feel (experience?). I hope that doesn't sound too whatever. But I think this is true.

Adding on to that, moving out here was probably the best thing for me. Sometimes it feels like it's too deliberate in how God brought me out here to expose a lot of my hidden idols and empty cisterns ... I know He's doing this to free me up for more joy in Him. Some days that's evident and some days it's not but I know this is true.

I guess I'm free to write whatever and just be me again. I guess it's freeing to not feel like I have to protect my image. Even though sometimes I wonder who (if anyone) reads this.

I have had to come to grips with the facts that I was hyped during my youth group and college days. It's just the truth especially in regards to ministry. And one of the hardest things I've heard was that maybe I was "over-hyped" (I seriously thought I'd be a "better" preacher, teacher, pastor, Christian by now). Moving here is helping (confronting) me to be okay with not being in the spotlight all the time. I don't have to be the next whomever. I feel like I'm learning that it's okay to run my own race.

You really do learn unique things about God's heart the more you spend time with kids and babies. Especially those awkward middle schoolers.

I still have a heart for the university.

The difference between setting our minds on earth versus above will speak loudly to the idols of our culture.
-What is it that I REALLY want in life? What am I tempted to buy into and chase?

I've learned how much I really do love and appreciate my family ... and how much I would be lost without their support.

The Next 25 Years

Yesterday was my 25th birthday.

I woke up yesterday morning not sure how I was feeling. My dreams lately have had me waking up kind of in a daze but last morning I decided just to pray instead of wallowing in a usual cycle of unhealthy thoughts.

And it took but a few seconds before a flash of the highlights of my first 25 years played as a movie in my mind again. The words I said to God went something like "we've been through a lot God" as I began to sift through all the memories where He's never left my side.

Father you've been the only one who has been with me no matter what. No matter who has left, who was far, where I've moved, You've been the only constant. Every moment of my alternate reality childhood, my shutdown of an adolescence, Your drawing me to Yourself in high school, every single meal I ate by myself in high school, every moment of feeling unknown (like few people really "getting me") and ineffective in college ministry, from the disorientation of these last two years of moving and moving and moving and driving. You've been with me through this year of "sanctifying surgery," especially as I've had to adjust to a whole new life out here in LA of all places.

But as I prayed I realized that this life isn't just "me and God" doing this exile of a life forever. And it's something I've had to learn ever since being saved: Christ reconciles you to God ultimately, but He also reconciles you to people. And I guess this is my prayer for the next 25 years ... That I'll grow strong in grace in the context of deep relationships. The kind that isn't afraid to sharpen, to challenge, to stir up for love and good works. As sweet as it was to have just "me and God" time, I know that ultimately my joy will be full with a heart full of love for His people.

I say "the next 25 years" but I know tomorrow isn't owed. It really isn't. Like literally even though I hardly believe that sometimes. Yet, I guess I'm excited/expectant for what the next 25 might look like, God willing. There's much to learn and grow in but I hope that 50 year old Jon will be infinitely more in awe of his God, laboring in service for the edification of the church and the glory of God going out to the nations. I don't know where we'll be in the next 25. I don't know if I'll have a family or kids. I don't know if I'll still feel like this life is a big exile and grasp for home or if I'll feel it even more strongly. I don't know if I'll be bald or if I'll still be playing basketball ... haha. But I do know that the gospel of Jesus Christ will continue to be powerful and that the gates of hell wont prevail against Christ's bride. I do know that suffering begets glorification. I do know that all who desire to live a godly life will face the dying necessary to live.

But this life really is an adventure. As I look back at my life so far, I realize this to be true. I realize that my story is a reflection of God's story. By grace I see this. I wasn't looking for it. And I guess it's taken me this long to realize that control really is an illusion. My hands and my plans are never in a place of the Sovereign. So after all the tears and reasons why I shouldn't be a pastor, much less a Christian, I'm here still standing. And I'm expectant on what the Spirit might do to extol the name of Jesus to the glory of God the Father. Here's to another 25 Lord. I know You'll carry me when I have no strength. You've proven that these last 25. Love You.

Because of Christ,
-Jon

Untitled

I Want to Write

I want to write words that inspire praise
To lead the procession of saints in some kinda craze
to get us amped in the glory of His story all of our days
to be lured by the allure of the light of Christ … to Star gaze

But I can’t find the words, and I cant find the voice
I grasp for clarity, for the poignancy of word choice
But I guess its true, no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try
my feet stuck in the sand, when my heart wants to fly

I feel so limited, not eloquent
What a sentiment, im sick of it
so inadequate
so mad at this
cant believe im just so bad at this

But my God’s got me, He drew me near
even in the valley of all my darkest fears
Even in my shame, and even past my past
even when I come undone, even when I’m at my last

When I cant speak a word
or preach a sermon
even in the darkest season
where I’m not learning
Even when I fail, even when I hurt
Even when you done dig up all my dirt

There’s no condemnation
not a charge to be brought
I know in Jesus all the lies are false
And I know I’m caught
that Jesus sought
that criminal I was when it was all my fault

So to write … I’m free to try, free to sigh
Free to die like my master who was crucified
Free to give, free to forgive
Free to be a kid, Free to live.