Solace

I went to the gym today. Finally. I bought a 24-Hour Fitness 2-year pass with one of my bro's from church and people make fun of us with how terrible we are at keeping each other accountable to actually going.

But back to the story.

It's not often that I go in general these days but I found myself restless at home with nothing to do. So I decided that I would go and do what I used to do back in the day, just shoot at the gym. What a pain it was to drive to Nogales only to remember I forgot the ball and then drive back home to get it. Fail Jon.

I eventually arrive and I always tell myself that I won't play a game but just shoot, knowing full and well that I'll probably end up playing multiple games. And indeed, I played about 4 mini-games of ball. Btw, I'm still really out of shape. Played three games of 2-on-2 against these 2 guys that looked like they worked out a fair amount and one of them was ultra-competitive in wanting to play. Luckily for me, I had this dude that was like a freaking pro. He dunked, he nailed about 80% of his threes and occasionally when he got bored, he passed me the ball. Okay, truthfully sometimes he was nice and passed me the ball too. I didn't feel insulted, but strangely encouraged haha. Overall, dude was legit.

But then eventually the courts cleared and I got to do what I came there for: just shoot around. And mind you I'm already all cramped up, and tired, having tried so hard for those other games when I haven't really worked out for months. Initially my shot was TERRIBLE but what I often have done to help myself get going is head to the free throw line. No matter how long I've been away from the game, I can always count on my free throw shooting about ... 78% of the time lol.

But ya, eventually I find myself in a rhythm ... doing all the same dribble moves I've done a thousand times ... Remembering "Oh ya, I've spent like a thousand hours doing this stuff over my life." I start to work in the step backs (my stepback going right will always suck haha) and footwork that is quite flawed, but I'm still able to make a fair amount of my shots. Indoor courts > Outdoor courts ... The rims are so forgiving. I start to wonder to myself once again "What if I trained myself earlier to have a jump shot where I actually jumped and shot the ball at the height of my jump? Why do I shoot the ball so low and with barely any jump?" I start to remember that indoor courts allow me to put spins on my layups. I'm surprised at how effortless it is to shoot 3's and make them again. It's been awhile.

And after at least an hour or so, I found myself back at the free throw line. By now it's probably like 11:40pm or so. I'd been at the court for like 3 hours probably. And a lot of thoughts came into my head as I was just doing the same drills I've always done. Or struggling to remember how. I think to myself, "How many times I've longed to have an open gym to just shoot around. Where the only sound is me breathing and the bounce of the ball, the swish of the net." I start to think about all the gyms I used to play in. I remember the times where I opened up the gym at CBC Houston and just shot around for a couple of hours when not a soul was at church. I remember staying at the SLC (rec center at Baylor) till Midnight sooo many times, just putting up shots until the lights would go out. Surprisingly it's only now that I remember how many times I've done that in the old driveway at my home in Houston. And I think to myself "Shooting free-throws is probably the most consistent thing I've been able to do all my life. Free-throws are probably the only thing that hasn't changed." And a whirl of memories goes back to this whole relationship with basketball again. And it eventually winds down to me sitting alone eating the same roast beef sandwich my Dad would always pack me, crying in the Strake Jesuit library because of how alone and unknown I was, how not good enough I was.

I hold my follow through as I sink about five more free throws before I move onto threes and farther threes. But by this point, I'm getting a little more emotional with each memory lapse. I think about Instagramming a photo of this empty basketball court at 24 and I think about what I'd write in the description. I convince myself that it's probably a little too showy, or that I'm just wanting too much attention by sharing my story. I thought about letting the few high school classmates of mine who follow me on Instagram know why I was so emo those 4 years. But like I said, I convince myself to not do it. 50% of the reason was because it'd look too ridiculous to take a picture of an empty court with a few people around. But I eventually sink my last three free-throws and decide to pack up and leave (btw I did miss a fair amount of shots today ... just so you know).

And as I'm walking across the court to get my stuff I start talking with God about how I'm finally okay with not getting any better at this sport. I tell Him that I don't have to judge every person on the court and wonder if I'm better. I tell Him I'm okay if I can't take these high-schoolers. And I start to recognize that after all these years of feeling like God ought to give me an apology for not letting me make the team year after year after year (too long a story to tell ... sorry. I really did do well for most of those tryouts. It wasn't the typical Asian-kid lack of confidence thing), I come to the conclusion that I've finally reached a point where I can "forgive" myself. It wasn't God that I needed forgiveness from. I've already known for years how it was His grace that saved me from making those teams (Saved me from Romans 1:18-32). But I guess I finally reached some kind of epiphany. Or more at least recognizing what I felt God's been exposing this last half-year: I haven't been able to "let go" of this thing because I haven't been able to forgive myself for failing to make the team.

"If only I had done this, if only I had been more pass-first, if only I demanded to play point guard, if only I had looked for my own shot, if only I had communicated with the coaches better why I wasn't there that Saturday, if only my family and I actually checked our voice mails, if only I didn't cramp up, if only the actual coach he makes the final decisions were there on time, etc., etc., etc."

I give the head nod to the dude at the desk as I make my way out. And I get into my car and I realize I left my iPod on the whole time (stupid Jon, now you gotta charge it a lot sooner than you had to). And it eventually gets to David Crowder Band's song "Never let go." This be my jam so I just listen as I'm driving out of the parking lot. It's about halfway through the drive where the next song was almost too much. It was Crowder Band again, "All I Can Say." I can't really hold it back anymore. And honestly, I think I left the house to go to the gym because I needed to not hold it back anymore.

To be honest, I've made peace with basketball for a little while now. Sure I act up sometimes and get annoyed by so many people who "cheat." But I'm okay with not being half the player I was. But I think that the takeaway from all of this is the realization that that scene of an empty court with just me and my ball ... That was my solace for a lot of years. When life didn't make sense, when I felt overwhelmed, discouraged, angry, depressed, that's where I would go. It was my sanctuary. My place of sanity and "recharge." It was my refuge when real life got too crazy.

And I still find myself going back to the free-throw line every time I find myself at the gym again ... Knowing all that I carry with me. And my heart kind of preaches to Jon Lau, "what a comfort it is to know that even on that day when you're unable to make these shots, maybe even the day when you can't get the ball to the rim, God is still the same, yesterday, today, forever."

I don't know why that truth of God's unchanging (They call it "immutability" in school), consistent character moved/moves me so deeply. Perhaps my guess can be summed up in this nursery rhyme:

As originally published in 1860 by Anna Bartlett Warner:

"Jesus loves me—this I know,
For the Bible tells me so;
Little ones to him belong,—
They are weak, but he is strong.

Jesus loves me—loves me still,
Though I'm very weak and ill;
From his shining throne on high,
Comes to watch me where I lie.

Jesus loves me—he will stay,
Close beside me all the way.
Then his little child will take,
Up to heaven for his dear sake"

[Heh. Yes, I just wiki'd that. And found even more treasure than the first verse.]

"[The hardest thing we may ever do in life is receive the love of God.]"

"For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen."-Ephesians 3:14-21

Grace and Peace Fam,
-Jon

Update #17

Going back to Houston tomorrow.

It's been weird to adjust to being a "visitor" to Houston.

I've learned that a lot of chapter divisions for my life are in the context of location. Perhaps this 4-day stay at home will help solidify the fact that I'm no longer a Texan, but a Californian haha.

Looking forward to seeing family, the CBC family, the Baylor family, etc.

Looking forward to getting some reading done ... I notice I only read books when I travel haha.

Grateful for the "pBen" to drive me to and fro the airport. Btw, I not-so-secretly love/really hope I become Haley's favorite uncle.

More coherent posts later on.

Still a journey.

Rethinking what that "double imputation" stuff really means for believers. It's one thing to know you're forgiven for your guilt and another to know you're forgiven yet (and) holy, blameless, above reproach, altogether righteous before the God who has/is/will always be all those things perfectly.

Needa get back on what stirs my heart for Christ. I miss those things I used to do to help me. Sure some of them have changed but ... not all of them.

People have a lot to share, a lot they want to share ... But I'm pretty sure that most of us just don't share "real" stuff because we don't think people really care to know. The fact that no one asks gives us more and more proof that the things in our life that are significant and meaningful are indeed "trivial" or "mundane" to others ... People feel really valued (loved) when someone asks them a question about their life that no one else in all their years has cared enough to ask. Makes me think how I can ask better questions.

Random.

Deuces.
-Jon

Random musings #2309

If only I could have the courage to receive the love of God in Jesus Christ.

"With much wisdom comes much vexation"

"If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy, I can only conclude I was not made for here."

To live is to risk.

Sometimes I don't ever want to preach another sermon. And then it'll take me about a week before I realize that I can't not do it.

Deep down I ask the question "why me?" a lot.

I do this weird thing when I'm in public where I just start to wonder what strangers would conclude about me based on how I present myself. #Insecurity

Sometimes God's grace and mercy feels rather cruel and cold but I know it's still gracious and merciful.

Strangely encouraged but I think I might have the gift of hospitality (it's not only limited to having people over to your house). Though I think this was evidenced during the 505 days.

I have come to meet a host of unique, hilarious, Christ-exalting people. I know the reality is that I may not see some of you ever again but somehow I know we're still in this together. You inspire me and excite me on how you're pushing back the darkness of this world and making way for the light of Christ.

Moving out here was probably harder than I allowed myself to feel (experience?). I hope that doesn't sound too whatever. But I think this is true.

Adding on to that, moving out here was probably the best thing for me. Sometimes it feels like it's too deliberate in how God brought me out here to expose a lot of my hidden idols and empty cisterns ... I know He's doing this to free me up for more joy in Him. Some days that's evident and some days it's not but I know this is true.

I guess I'm free to write whatever and just be me again. I guess it's freeing to not feel like I have to protect my image. Even though sometimes I wonder who (if anyone) reads this.

I have had to come to grips with the facts that I was hyped during my youth group and college days. It's just the truth especially in regards to ministry. And one of the hardest things I've heard was that maybe I was "over-hyped" (I seriously thought I'd be a "better" preacher, teacher, pastor, Christian by now). Moving here is helping (confronting) me to be okay with not being in the spotlight all the time. I don't have to be the next whomever. I feel like I'm learning that it's okay to run my own race.

You really do learn unique things about God's heart the more you spend time with kids and babies. Especially those awkward middle schoolers.

I still have a heart for the university.

The difference between setting our minds on earth versus above will speak loudly to the idols of our culture.
-What is it that I REALLY want in life? What am I tempted to buy into and chase?

I've learned how much I really do love and appreciate my family ... and how much I would be lost without their support.

The Next 25 Years

Yesterday was my 25th birthday.

I woke up yesterday morning not sure how I was feeling. My dreams lately have had me waking up kind of in a daze but last morning I decided just to pray instead of wallowing in a usual cycle of unhealthy thoughts.

And it took but a few seconds before a flash of the highlights of my first 25 years played as a movie in my mind again. The words I said to God went something like "we've been through a lot God" as I began to sift through all the memories where He's never left my side.

Father you've been the only one who has been with me no matter what. No matter who has left, who was far, where I've moved, You've been the only constant. Every moment of my alternate reality childhood, my shutdown of an adolescence, Your drawing me to Yourself in high school, every single meal I ate by myself in high school, every moment of feeling unknown (like few people really "getting me") and ineffective in college ministry, from the disorientation of these last two years of moving and moving and moving and driving. You've been with me through this year of "sanctifying surgery," especially as I've had to adjust to a whole new life out here in LA of all places.

But as I prayed I realized that this life isn't just "me and God" doing this exile of a life forever. And it's something I've had to learn ever since being saved: Christ reconciles you to God ultimately, but He also reconciles you to people. And I guess this is my prayer for the next 25 years ... That I'll grow strong in grace in the context of deep relationships. The kind that isn't afraid to sharpen, to challenge, to stir up for love and good works. As sweet as it was to have just "me and God" time, I know that ultimately my joy will be full with a heart full of love for His people.

I say "the next 25 years" but I know tomorrow isn't owed. It really isn't. Like literally even though I hardly believe that sometimes. Yet, I guess I'm excited/expectant for what the next 25 might look like, God willing. There's much to learn and grow in but I hope that 50 year old Jon will be infinitely more in awe of his God, laboring in service for the edification of the church and the glory of God going out to the nations. I don't know where we'll be in the next 25. I don't know if I'll have a family or kids. I don't know if I'll still feel like this life is a big exile and grasp for home or if I'll feel it even more strongly. I don't know if I'll be bald or if I'll still be playing basketball ... haha. But I do know that the gospel of Jesus Christ will continue to be powerful and that the gates of hell wont prevail against Christ's bride. I do know that suffering begets glorification. I do know that all who desire to live a godly life will face the dying necessary to live.

But this life really is an adventure. As I look back at my life so far, I realize this to be true. I realize that my story is a reflection of God's story. By grace I see this. I wasn't looking for it. And I guess it's taken me this long to realize that control really is an illusion. My hands and my plans are never in a place of the Sovereign. So after all the tears and reasons why I shouldn't be a pastor, much less a Christian, I'm here still standing. And I'm expectant on what the Spirit might do to extol the name of Jesus to the glory of God the Father. Here's to another 25 Lord. I know You'll carry me when I have no strength. You've proven that these last 25. Love You.

Because of Christ,
-Jon

Untitled

I Want to Write

I want to write words that inspire praise
To lead the procession of saints in some kinda craze
to get us amped in the glory of His story all of our days
to be lured by the allure of the light of Christ … to Star gaze

But I can’t find the words, and I cant find the voice
I grasp for clarity, for the poignancy of word choice
But I guess its true, no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try
my feet stuck in the sand, when my heart wants to fly

I feel so limited, not eloquent
What a sentiment, im sick of it
so inadequate
so mad at this
cant believe im just so bad at this

But my God’s got me, He drew me near
even in the valley of all my darkest fears
Even in my shame, and even past my past
even when I come undone, even when I’m at my last

When I cant speak a word
or preach a sermon
even in the darkest season
where I’m not learning
Even when I fail, even when I hurt
Even when you done dig up all my dirt

There’s no condemnation
not a charge to be brought
I know in Jesus all the lies are false
And I know I’m caught
that Jesus sought
that criminal I was when it was all my fault

So to write … I’m free to try, free to sigh
Free to die like my master who was crucified
Free to give, free to forgive
Free to be a kid, Free to live.

"I Shall Not Want"

Nearly every time I hear or see the phrase “I shall not want,” a memory pops into my head, a picture really, of me in a second grade classroom at Chinese Baptist Church of Houston for Sunday School. Along with the Lord’s prayer, the twelve disciples, and a few other bible verses (maybe the 10 commandments too), memorizing Psalm 23 was one of THE big goals for completing second grade Sunday School. Somehow, by the grace of God, my 2nd grade self could muster the focus to complete the task and to this day I probably wont be able to disassociate Psalm 23 with the image of a cute sheep laying down on some comfortable-looking, forest green grass, with a river running through it.

Fast forward to eighteenth (incoming nineteenth?) grade, and as “Sunday School” has surely gotten tougher, and as life has really become an unpredictable whirlwind of joys and sorrows, I can surely say a simple truth that I used to think was so trite/meaningless: God is good. Might’ve taken awhile, but I’m only now beginning to be able to trace His goodness like a hidden thread over my life. And it gives me hope, an assurance for His provision tomorrow. He has, is, and always will be good to me. Even, and perhaps especially, at the costs of what I want most … “When I taste Your goodness I shall not want.”

"From the need to be understood
From the need to be accepted
From the fear of being lonely
Deliver me O God
Deliver me O God
And I shall not want, I shall not want
When I taste Your goodness I shall not want
When I taste Your goodness I shall not want."

Blogging, and more

My heart has had a longstanding attachment with blogging. 

From my first xanga post during finals week of my sophomore year at Strake Jesuit, to my secret xanga accounts which were named "Misjudged1" and "Unforeseen Facade" (how emo right), to my first post on this site in the Moody Library basement towards the end of my freshman year at Baylor, all the way to a current day house in Rowland Heights, California, blogging has been pretty consistent for some of the most formative years of my life. 

Usually I found myself basically debriefing a web of thoughts at the end of my days for each of those stages of my life. When 2am clocked around and my parents or roommates went to sleep, then came a sense of "freedom" where it was just me and God talking it out (or me just venting to Him, the reader, or myself) ... I can remember very important, transforming parts of my life and locations where I sat to blog what I was seeing, learning, and loving. I kind of loved blogging. It has an intimate attachment for me because sometimes it felt like blogger Jon really was the "real me" ... or as "real" as it could get.

On a side note, it helped me articulate my thoughts a ton.

I always have written with a semi-diary-esque tone ... knowing that a couple of readers might pop in and out and it's afforded me a level of honesty that I was never afraid to embrace for whomever might read it. In some ways I wanted to bless whomever might read it. In some ways it's given my writing a "voice" but as I've began to think about it, over the past couple of years, something's felt missing and I couldn't pinpoint what it was.

I think the same thing could be said about my twitter, which started out as not publicized at all with only like four followers. There was something about the semi-privacy of that account that made it more meaningful for me. 

And I guess the solution could be just to crack down and make everything private but I don't know that that's the right course of action to take. I do want to help and encourage whoever might read what I want to post. But I guess the main reason I say all this is because the thing that's bugged me is getting used to being a "public" person. Of course everyone on social media is as public as they want to be, but even now as a youth pastor, the simple things I used to encourage ministry leaders in college is something I struggle with: Letting those you shepherd in on your life, letting them even see your sin, your junk, your not-together-ness. I don't know that I actually feel uncomfortable doing this, but I'm caught in a tension of being new to ministry where I'm supposed to know what I'm doing and at the same time being honest with the fact that I don't most of the time. 

Because as it is now, I feel like I'm at the raw-est state I could be. Where I'm learning on the go all the time, making plenty of mistakes, and trying to catch enough of them to grow for the future. I tell people that I feel like since I've moved out here, I've been at my "C game" ... meaning everything I do I feel like I used to do better before ... or at least with more genuine passion, faith, expectation ... maybe even throw in "sincerity." And as I keep trucking through school and serving at the church, it feels like I'm just trying to keep up with what God's trying to teach me. Heh, I kind of want to correct/revise some of my word choice here because I feel like if you read it, you can sense my insecurity/unbelief. 

All that to say, for a while I feel like I've supposed to have been a certain guy on par with a certain self-inflicted, extra-biblical standard. I got more than a fair share of encouragement that I've battled not to let myself get puffed up but maybe I bought into it. And I know that God specifically, deliberately, and convincingly brought me out here for my own sanctification. He's exposed a lot and it's really uncomfortable sometimes to see how many insecurities I have. Goodness. And so, all that to say/vent ... I'm kind of a mess in a way right now. And I guess this past year is God's teaching me that, as well as that being okay. The good news of the gospel that He's showing me is that even in all this, He's not only present, but He's drawn near. In a weird tension of feeling like God is distant, in a way I can't deny how near He actually is. I feel I've forgotten the cross in my functional theology ... but it's that act in history that proves God is for me, a guy full of sin and insecurity, for some ridiculous reason, entrusted to tend a flock of kids in some of the most formative years of their lives. 

Heh, I'm not masochistic but somewhere deep down, I'm liking this journey He has me on. As painful as it has been, I feel that it evidences His unrelenting pursuit of me. The real me. Raw, full of holes.

"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." -Psalm 51:17 

"Post-grad" -> "Life"

Heh, I feel like I've finally "graduated" from college to "young adult" ... not because I just graduated from college or anything but because I finally feel like I've come to a place where I understand that all the things that used to shine super bright and grab all the attention are not what yields maturity so much as the long-term commitment to stick things out, rooted in things that may never get the acclaim/praise that the things in college did.

Saying deep things isn't as valuable as living a life of depth ... being able to articulate deep gospel truths isn't as sanctifying as standing deep in it. Community, church, conflict, confronting my avoidance of conflict. Morally neutral things having too much power and devotion from me.

Post-grad feels normal enough for me now to not have to label it such anymore. It's just life now. And I feel comfortable with that. Finally.

And so, I don't diminish in any way what college taught me about God, His gospel, His Church, His Bible, people, etc. A part of me still has a deep love for the college/university campus that is waiting to be unleashed in a sense. Yet, I recognize that it really is those things that I need most right now. And far from putting things off as simply transitionary, I can now see that there's sacrifice, yes, but immense value to setting roots down in the gospel, in the context of deep community, a challenge towards mission, to the glory of God. In the same way I describe this generation as being so individually "free" to choose what they want, so have I for far too long. If the Bible is true and for our joy in freeing us up for more of God, then the family of God takes precedence of my plans .. and contrary to what culture says, sometimes even my "dreams." I feel like the Bible's way of talking about the church expects this kind of Philippians 2 commitment. It's just the natural tone of Acts right?

Anyway. I know that a year from now I'll think this post is ridiculous for the way it sounds. I know I haven't "arrived yet." Far from it. I think I'm seeing with more perspective just how deceiving sin is, how deceitful the heart is when threatened to have Jesus expose its darkness, etc. But as I near 25, I think it's fitting to recognize that it's not about what gets the headlines so much as it is about faithfulness and a life of daily repentance unto obedience for the sake of my utmost joy and God's utmost glory in my life.

And I guess I do echo what I first learned and felt in college: The truth is that though I initially feared the thought of always feeling like a "sojourner" on this side of heaven, I can vibe a little more with that Biblical word with every little bit of life and joy I experience here on earth. I am a stranger and a sojourner on a specific amount of time given by God as a gift. And I will never, ever feel completely "at home" until I'm taken by God. Yet somehow, it's been interesting to see this "exile" of a life like a fun journey ... where God takes me and places me up front with a great view of what He's doing ... how His story is playing out just like He said it would, through the message and power of the gospel of Jesus Christ, crucified and risen for His enemies.

I'm still verbose. I don't advise you listen to my preaching. ha. But for some reason He's called me here to plant myself in youth ministry in LA. He knows and I know that I'm more than unworthy to do this. I really don't deserve a title. But here I am, I guess. In the midst of a lot of uncomfortable sanctification. "Still standing."

Because of Christ,
-Jon

Dear Dad,

Hey dad,

Hope the pre-retirement is going well. Looking forward to seeing you and mom soon ... more than you know :).

Well to be honest dad, I thought about writing what I'm about to say about 6-7 months ago. A number of things have changed since I've moved out here ... not only logistics like living, my church community, and school, but also my processing of who I am ... who I am in Christ. It's been difficult as you guys probably know but I know so convincingly that God has brought me out here for my own sanctification ... for God to give me more of Himself.

And so about 6-7 months ago I went on this retreat for my spiritual formation class in November. Basically it was a nice cabin in the woods retreat where we had time to be silent, reflect, and share our life stories ... specifically in that sharing, we were assigned to share really big/"shaping" moments in our lives, whether they be super difficult seasons, transitionary seasons, etc.

Each sharing took a good half hour plus fifteen minutes of debriefing/prayer for each person and as I heard each story from my group I started to hear a common theme. Whether the person was a church leader, pastor, white, korean, Vietnamese, etc., I started to see a root issue in a lot of their lives: daddy deprivation. It was honestly a little surprising that with each person that shared, there was a a large part of their stories of absent fathers, cheating fathers, abusive fathers, godless fathers. It was a very real moment for me ... to hear so many stories of brokenness not only in the person sharing but in the fathers they were describing.

And as I left that retreat it made me think ... what happens to so many men, called to lead their family, their wife, that causes so much dysfunction and sin? And I know that you know that I'm a big fan of hip hop and the rap genre in general, and there was this song that I heard called "Was it Worth it?" that came on my ipod and it got me pretty emotional hearing yet again another story of a cry of a generation yearning for a hug from their dads. Why it made me feel this way, on the verge of tears, was because I realize how hard it must be to be a father. I can't sit and judge all the men who left, all the men who cheated, all the men who tuned out of their family's lives because when I hear these stories, these songs, I hear how difficult the calling must be. And as I start to think back to my childhood (as a lot of my spiritual formation class has helped me do), it made me realize something about you dad: you were always there. Something always flips me out when I watch/remember those home videos of us in Australia and seeing how you raised me and Chris with mom. And as I recall the difficulties of my adolescent years, how I "shut down" somewhere in middle school and definitely in high school, I remember your pursuit of me as a father for his son ... even when I was the most unreachable and inaccessible, constantly pushing you away. I remember that Strake Jesuit father/son retreat where they forced us to talk to each other lol. And I remember during my college years reading an entry you wrote during that retreat of how hard it was to talk to me because I was so distancing. And as I start to think about "stages" in life, I realize that you were in every one of them, very much present, very much my dad, even if I didn't quite act like your son.

It's been a little ironic nowadays that God has me doing things like preaching, teaching, giving mini-seminars to parents at church on how to raise their kids ... haha. And one thing I notice is that kids really don't give a crap about the parents perspective because they can't even see it until possibly their 20's haha. I recognize that that's how it was for me and to think of how frustrating it must have been all those years has given me more perspective on a lot of things. I know that this may all sound like fluff to you ... because doing what you did is in someway "what dads are supposed to do." But truth is, a lot don't and a lot give up, if not physically, then emotionally (and thus spiritually). But you didn't dad, by the grace of God, you stuck it out, manned up, loved mom, Chris, and me, with a toughness but also with a tenderness that I see as beautifully biblical. We can always talk about mistakes that we've made but honestly, I think my childhood/adolescent/college years had enough of that for the both of us right?

All in all, I can't say much more other than "thanks" ... thanks for fathering me and Chris, for putting in the effort for me especially when I was so unresponsive. I've never doubted your love for me dad ... In some ways I've only learned how much you've loved me more than I thought. And if there's any encouragement, I think that despite all the internal mess in me during those rough years (most of it being self-inflicted), I think you helped me see glimpses of what God the Father felt about me too.

I know usually the dad is supposed to say this to their son, but I want to say that as you're retiring and finally getting to rest from all those years of hard work and endurance (probably feels like "slavery" to you), I wanted to say that as your son "I'm proud of you." I really am. So much so, that I actually like sharing about you to people who don't know you sometimes. I love that your mentality was that education comes from studying more so than innate ability. I love that you became a high school teacher, teaching crazy kids what you've worked hard to master. I admired your discipline to study in your late 50's to pass those tests, get those positions, and have the school recognize you not only as an outstanding teacher, but a fun/lovable man. I brag about your sense of humor to people because I really think you're hilarious. And I hope it doesn't sound too mushy, but I know that God willing, one day I'll brag to my son(s) of the man you were for Chris and me.

Happy Fathers Day Dad. I think I can honestly say that with each year we do this and I say "I love you," I am more equipped to feel greater affection.

Because of Christ,
-Jon

Grocery Shopping?

I have to confess that I cry a lot more these days (no I didn't cry just now from writing this). But sometimes the story of God is too good to be true and our past's inability to receive it for so long makes the slightest unveilings of the story spectacular. I don't know ... But I think each of our (Christian) stories is a retelling of the greatest one and to see that for myself, particularly this past semester, has been painful, revealing, freeing. The following is something I wrote about 3+ months ago ... and it stirred something in me that led me to write this particular experience to my mama for Mother's Day:

[Today was my Sabbath day aka my free day where I didn't have to go to school or church but just stayed home, did some chores and listened to music. I eventually made my way to Wal-Mart to get a few items that I've been needing. Couple of binders, some white tees, socks and some toilet paper ... you know ... the regular shopping list of an unorganized kid trying to become an adult. It was a weird moment but as I heard of the conversations of a mom asking her son what kind of socks to get him, it made me recall all those times where my mom would take me and Chris grocery shopping. Where we would hide in clothing racks and wait for her to find us, where I would complain at how long it was taking to get all these groceries, where me and Chris would beg her for totally unnecessary purchases ... (usually Chris would always be about some gum or whatever the cool kids at school were bringing to class). It reminded me of all those times where I would try to educate my mom on how to more efficiently shop (why was she taking so much time browsing from one end of the store to the other only to do it all over again??? Just get yo items and bounce Ma!). It reminded me of when dad and mom would visit me in Waco and though it wasn't necessary to go to the store (after all I could get what I wanted and they'd end up paying for it on the credit card anyway), we'd still find ourselves at the Wal-Mart.

I remember this past summer when I was in El Paso and living on my own. I didn't go to the store often because frankly, I bought a lot of fast food during those 2 months ... but when I did make it to the HEB, I remember thinking "whoa, I'm by myself now." I mean in college it was somewhat like this but I was with my roommates and friends all the time and we would go together ... And I guess since moving out here to LA, I've gotten used to this seemingly monotonous chore. It's what normal people do after all. But I guess this time I just found myself thinking back to those times where I would totally troll my mom at the grocery store with some lame joke, ask her some ridiculous question, or whatever before moving on and helping her put the stuff in the car. But now it's different. And maybe the reason why I'm expending so much space typing this out is because I've equated the "independent" life with "loneliness." Part of growing up is not having the support of the family to lean on for everything anymore. Though my mom and dad are still alive and kicking, they're not here with me. And to be honest, since taking the internship at El Paso, there have been a handful of moments where I have found myself thinking at how sad this would look if anyone else saw it. Simple tasks that need to get done like grocery shopping or eating lunch become episodes that only remind you of your loneliness.

It's made me think, however. Especially after finishing college, how do young adults cope with this problem? This post was just about a reflection on grocery shopping ... and how much I miss my parents and I guess it's made me think "how many of are there who also go through these seemingly monotonous chores of life and feel this way ... feel so alone, getting through their job, finding ways to keep them going or things to get excited about in the future?" How many go to sleep every day with these similar experiences but no church, no community, and no God with them? By the grace of God I have met great people who also have been made alive together with Christ, a church I not only "work" for but have a community to do life with. And on top of that I'm graced to serve with and under one of my first mentors growing up.

So how does this work if Christ isn't a reality in life? How many countless people go to sleep every night with the big questions of life unanswered and with the only voice to comfort them being their own? How do the middle-class average Americans like us make it through the day (I'm aware this may seem like a "boo hoo existential crisis" post)? Is it really just accepting the cold reality that life is tough, and to keep telling ourselves to endure? Or does this force us on this frantic search to find that special someone to share the loneliness with only to find that they can't fill the void? Do we explore new areas of life we haven't yet seen, get into new scenes and scores of people with new things to do? And what then? What then after?

Holy Spirit, come. Open the eyes of the blind, call into repentance the laziness of the church. We need the gospel to comfort us absolutely, to remind us that we really are ALIVE in Christ, but we also need to recognize that there are scores of people working next to us, serving us at restaurants, brewing us coffee, that need to know that "this" stuff isn't all there is. There's so much more. Church, let's get to work.]

______

Father, stir in us, challenge us, convict us. We're alive but sometimes we view the world exactly the same as those who don't know You at all, as if we're still deadened to Your reality and presence. Let us have the courage to remember the gospel of Christ. Grant it.]

Dear CBC, v.5/2/14

Dear Chinese Baptist Church of Houston, Texas.

It's been a while huh?

I've been wanting to write to you for a while and on more than a couple of occasions have I smiled and thought about the times we've laughed, cried, and grown together under the banner of Christ.

I must admit that I feel a bit awkward because my communication with you has been lacking since I left pretty abruptly about 10 months ago (has it really been that long?). Honestly, it was a tough move for me to make ... not just because it was kind of all of the sudden, but because I was leaving the place where I was born and raised ... ya, CBC has been my only church till recently ... And I really didn't have the time nor the preparation for the move, much less a space to really process such a big change (Literally I received one phone call after hanging out with some friends and it changed everything). Technically I'm still a member of CBC (though that'll change soon) but honestly, a part of me felt really guilty for leaving in the first place in the sudden way that I did, with no warning, but I just wanted to write to say "hi" again to you.

I'm kinda writing, feeling as if I've been sent from CBC to where I'm at now at a church called First Evangelical Church of Diamond Bar. So in a way, you're my Jerusalem or Antioch haha. But ya, I'm not sure you'd be totally interested in an update but I just wanted to write to you because of my love and gratitude for you. CBC was and is the church that has known me and seen my mistakes and progress. It was the setting where I went from a Pokemon card-obsessed loner to the dorky high schooler with an affinity to hip hop lingo. It was where I first heard the gospel, first received a bible, first became a part of the church community, the first church where I was given opportunity to serve for the sake of the body (them youth ministry high school years doe!). It was my home church even when I went off to college and it was my joy to serve alongside you for the sake of the gospel ... from the transitionary years until when I made the move.

And now as I'm in another city 22 hours drive away, I'm encouraged to see your progress and I hope that our paths will cross as the "universal" church furthers the glory of God to the nations.

I have to be honest, I get homesick sometimes. I miss you guys and I miss growing alongside you. But I guess I remember one time in a youth praise or whatever that Justin said something along the lines of what his goal and hope was for us as we got older (I took that he meant it for us youth leaders as well as the youth). Justin said that his ultimate joy and hope for us would be that we'd mature in the gospel, invest in the community, get trained up, and eventually move on and move away to bless those in need with what we've learned. I'm not saying I did all those things well. In fact, I can tell you times I was a pretty flaky postgrad-er. But in some way I feel completely confident that where I'm at right now is exactly where God wants me and is the best path for Him to go even deeper after my heart, freeing it up for more life in Him. That's not to say it's easy but God is faithful ... He really is. Anyway, you have my heart CBC. And I long for the next time I visit back home :). Love you all.

{ehh not sure about this paragraph} ...
I'm not sure all of you know the process of what it was like for me to leave and make the move but if there's anything I've noticed as I've been around the 4 different youth groups I've served in the past 2 years, it's that there's a REAL need not only for the gospel to be heard and understood but really just for kids to know that someone, anyone cares for them. Hence, the real need is indeed the gospel haha. And I guess now that I've made a new "home" at FECDB, I'm starting to see that no matter where we're from or how different our upbringings are, we're all broken people with ultimately the same needs, namely Jesus and his community of people that we can know and be known in. I think in God's providence, I've been given some experiences from Houston (that's you guys), New York, El Paso, and now in Los Angeles to see this truth. The differences are many but the similarities are what has become more clear. I think many youth are so jaded with people they counted on bailing on them that it's hard to believe in a God who "never leaves or forsakes."

The kids over here are fun and great, only a few troublemakers :/, and they seemed to like playing "bang" a lot haha. Could go into more detail but generally if you somehow read this, I'd ask for your prayers for the Holy Spirit to open up their hearts to the gospel as some are so close! Others are battling with (some held bondage to) immense academic pressure, and the younger ones in particular are just in need of more spiritual mentors and leaders to pour into them.

Also, you could pray for me. It's honestly a difficult time for me. I knew that coming out here would challenge me and I knew that God brought me here for the sake of my own sanctification ... but it's been hard and sometimes I feel the tendency to avoid and run away from what God's put in front of me and for me. I've learned a lot more about myself since being out here ... And I realize that even what I thought my purest motives and strongest gifts have sometimes been defenses from God to go after my heart. I've heard "identity" talks many many times. I have and so have you. But as I age and I'm hearing more about expectations and what I should and should not be aiming for and doing, it's hard not to get lost in that identity crisis. Especially when what you've been praised for/affirmed in all your life is no longer there. I guess I'm learning that I'm petrified of what people think of me and in some way God's inviting me to see just how deep His love is for me (and for you).

On another note, if there's any encouragement for you CBC youth, it's this: Take the command to make disciples seriously, for your own growth/maturity, yes, but ultimately for your own joy/life/vitality/freedom. There are countless corners in your schools and hangout spots where real people need to know that someone created them, sustains them, thinks of them notices them, KNOWS them, and LOVES them. So many of your peers are dealing with weighty problems, relational baggage, intense fears, and what Ephesians 2 would describe as "having no hope and without God in the world." And I'm not only talking about the pervasiveness of drugs, sex, pornography, academic cheating, eating disorders, and depression. I'm talking about the scores of youth who simply dont know the God of the Bible. They don't know of Him and have never heard ... They're literally an unreached people. In God's providence and sovereignty, He's given you an Acts 17 opportunity to befriend, love, walk alongside of, and evangelize to (ya evangelism). The truth is that I've found that a lot of youth are open to what the Bible is about ... The Holy Spirit's done something special in that. I challenge you whether you're a freshman, sophomore, junior getting prepped for SATs, or a senior nervous/excited about college to take the time you have left to think deeply on the gospel, the story of the Bible, and how your life testifies to it. I encourage you to worship God in digging up the grace He's lavished on your life in drawing you to Himself. And take that testimony and share it with your friends explicitly. Share it as you go through your classes, lunches, extra-curriculars ... The opportunities are endless and I have a feeling that so many youth you wouldn't expect are so close to the Kingdom. They're far off now in a sense, but in another sense, they're so close. And as much as I am a proponent of missional, relational, intentional discipleship ... In the end of the day, the gospel needs to be made known. And you're your school's best missionaries.

I've written you because I love you CBC, and we've been through the thick and thin. I recognize that God has me in a new season of life and a new church to be planted in for a while. Though this means that I'm not nearly as present with you all, know that I love you and am indebted to the grace you've lavished on me. I truly, sincerely love you. And miss eating Texas Barbeque with yawl.

Because of Christ, and for the sake of His gospel,
-Jon Lau

Jesus frees us to get over the sun

kinda random but i was thinking about ecclesiastes today … and pondering on its message for me (us) today (which doesn’t make sense cuz I didn’t read it today haha) … and i think what i concluded in the end was that the essence of the book was calling us to take our frustrations, our efforts, our weariness, our fatigue, our boredom at the habitual cycles of life, our questions of “is this all there is?”, and look beyond what’s under the sun. 

i’m coming off kinda a bleh monday and i think the message that confronted me was that i was looking for all kinds of things, empty, vain, silly things under the sun to fill and satisfy what only “our Creator” could (12:1). i felt myself kinda drifting from God since I woke today by just numbing my mind with hours of youtube (i still can’t recall all that i spent my time on) and mayb it took me a whole day to realize what I was doing. 

I uno, just thot i’d share … maybe our frustrations are meant to have us look above, and as shane and shane says in one of their songs (and Jesus makes possible), “get over the sun.” 

Day at a time.

Before I'd be discouraged. Before I'd let my insecurity drag me down to the floor of despair. But strangely, I know the Holy Spirit is working ... I know it, despite my frustrations and the patience I know I need to have, I know You're at work. I guess You just answered my prayer to care more for the youth ... to hurt for them.

I probably won't forget the first words a veteran pastor said to me when I first started this thing ... "Much long suffering." But with the smile on his face, I know that this man experienced God in a deep way that not a lot of people probably have. God willing, if I make it to around his age, I want to be able to say to some young 20 year old entering ministry that though this path will sometimes feel like it's killing you, in the end it will not have been a sacrifice at all in comparison to knowing Christ ... to fellowship with him in his suffering as they say.

... Suffering precedes glorification.

Father, I'm in this for the long haul ... as long as You're with me, as long as You give me more of Yourself I'm in. Don't hold back now. I want more.

A day at a time,
-Jon

Look within or above?

The message of today: Look to & within yourself to solve your problems and attain the true freedom of unashamedly being yourself. Don’t for a second let anyone tell you who you’re supposed to be. Be true to who you are and what ultimately makes you happy. This is the message the world needs to hear.

The message of Christianity: Look to Christ and his cross instead of looking for answers within. Stop trying to fix the mess that you already know is within you. You never could fix it and you never can because truth is you are the problem and so am I. So look not to what has proven over and over again to fail you (yourself), and fix your eyes on Christ. There's more joy in submission to and in relationship with a good God than having full reign over your brokenness. This is the message the world needs to hear. 

[If we as humanity could ever get it together FINALLY, why hasn't it happened already? We've been trying to save ourselves for so long. And we can't. Holy Spirit, help us see Jesus.]

Late Night Thoughts v.12/18/13 and Late Night Thoughts v.1/22/14

Written on 12/18/13:

I recognize over and over again that "The Pastorate" is just a means for God to most go after my own heart. I find more malfunctions and disconnects in me every week than I thought was possible.

I think it's okay to admit that in some way this transition has been a bit disorienting. A couple of months ago I was unemployed, frustrated, and more discouraged than I'd let people in on. I felt like a failure to my parents, myself, and probably to God. I remember looking at my resume and my transcript and just literally thinking "I'm so worthless. This is sad." Fast forward almost a half year later and now I'm in a new city, a new church, a new school and I'm trying to grow up but still seeing the nagging childish habits in me. I'm trying to not get weirded out every time a youth kid calls me "pastor" and a lot of me struggles not to see my value and worth as predicated on my influence and effectiveness.

Trying to shepherd youth as a guy who's just so new at this is mad humbling. I remember as a youth being so scared of everyone else's judgments on me that I ended up judging them ... even if they never said or did anything to me. And I don't know why but I feel like no matter what I do, I'm afraid of not being good enough at this thing. I'm not sure if now that I'm "in ministry," I'm supposed to protect people from seeing certain things but to be completely honest, there's only so many unresponsive small groups I can take. I understand it takes time and I'm never offended when people don't seem to care but part of me hurts for you because I know how utterly impossible this whole "job" is. Part of me just cries out because I'm always having to be reminded that salvation and sanctification is so utterly impossible without the Holy Spirit doing something man can't. The heart of man is so impenetrable, so hardened, unbreakable. There is no amount of preaching that can change a deadened heart, no matter how much I plead and pray and lay my heart out. I know that in some way it ultimately wasn't the people who invested in me and prayed for me ... but the Holy Spirit that gave me breath to breathe. It wasn't the programs or the events or the dynamic-ness of the preacher but God who saw that it would please Him to reveal Himself to me. Of course God used all the community of believers, winter retreats and faithful preachers to accomplish it but I remember how cold my heart was. I remember how dead I felt after the event was over. I used to distance people so much. I could never let my parents or my brother in and I never let the church get close. I was far off and I built more and more defenses to keep everyone out. I used to have this blog called "misjudged1" where I remember staying up late at night when everyone else was asleep in the house and I would write out my fears and somewhere in me was the question "Is this all there is?" I remember feeling like a failure with no hope.

And somewhere in these thoughts the thing I've learned in this latest chapter of life is that deep within me is an insecurity. Some days, I don't know that I can believe God loves me for who I really am, defenses torn down, raw.

Within every sin lies a need, an uncertainty of that question "Do You love me?" If only my eyes could behold Jesus. If only I could just be stuck looking at Him and His cross.
___________________________________________________________

Written today, 1/22/14:

To try to be more in touch with what the youth are going through and be influenced by (and because apparently my music makes them want to listen to their music ...), I've made a concerted effort to listen to more "mainstream" music the past 4 or so months (not a lot of indie-music lovers at my church youth group). I used to really not like mainstream during my college years and I thought I'd be listening to mainstream kinda as a student more so than music I'd enjoy listening to myself but I think I've ended up getting sucked into a lot of because a lot of it is so freakin catchy now haha. Anyway, long story short, I do believe that what we often give our ears, eyes, and minds to ends up penetrating into our hearts and our "subconscious theology." Having said all that jazz, I stumbled upon "Demons" by Imagine Dragons. Sick song, deep song:

"When the days are cold

And the cards all fold

And the saints we see

Are all made of gold

When your dreams all fail

And the ones we hail

Are the worst of all

And the blood’s run stale"

I wanna hide the truth

I wanna shelter you

But with the beast inside

There’s nowhere we can hide

No matter what we breed

We still are made of greed

This is my kingdom come

This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat

Look into my eyes

It’s where my demons hide

It’s where my demons hide

Don’t get too close

It’s dark inside

It’s where my demons hide

It’s where my demons hide"

...

So this is when the preacher in me hurts. Or maybe just the person in me cries. They need to know and so do I.

-Jon

Random #13075

Taken from an blog my junior year of college. Need to remember this:

Sometimes the things we want most, the things we long for the deepest, the things we may cry the most tears for, the things we work are hardest to attain, are the very things God protects us from, lest we worship creation over Creator. He doesn't do this to rob us from joy but rather the opposite.

Sure God blesses us. But in the end, the greatest blessing God could give is Himself. Do you believe that?