I'm under His discipline, not His wrath. He loves me.

"For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who by their unrighteousness suppress the truth. For what can be known about God is plain to them, because God has shown it to them. For his invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made. So they are without excuse. For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened. Claiming to be wise, they became fools, and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling mortal man and birds and animals and creeping things.

Therefore God gave them up in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, to the dishonoring of their bodies among themselves, because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever! Amen."
-Romans 1:18-25

Sometimes what you most want is for God to withhold giving you what you most longed for and cried the most tears for, lest you chase creation over Creator. Sometimes it's very much God's discipline that you want to receive instead of something far scarier, His passive wrath.

And just putting it out there, it was not my intention to have this get all up in my business when I started studying Romans 1:18-32. It was originally intentioned for strict theological acumen haha. I wanted to own Romans 1 to understand the bad news of sin so that I could better understand the power of the good news of Jesus Christ crucified and risen. I didn't know it'd take a turn like this and show up this much over the span of a semester ...

The scariest thing the Creator God of the Bible can do to man is just let man chase His stuff instead of Him. That in response to man choosing God's creation over God Himself, God just "gives you up" to those lusts and withholds His all-satisfying self. That He doesn't blow you up, get your attention, make you restless and frustrated so that you might cry out to Him and repent, but that He might just go "Okay, you want that over me? Okay, fine, chase it. Let's see how far striving after the wind gets you. It didn't work for a guy like Solomon and He was much wiser than you." In the end, the scary truth that could be true of some of us is that in response to your sin, your making something else ultimate over God, God shows indifference and apathy.

It plays out like Romans 1 and Ephesians 2:1-3 says. Though the pursuit of creation over Creator might taste good, it only lasts for a season before the shine, glamor and appeal that once made you so thrilled and worked up, becomes just so ... plain. And by nature, when this happens, as a result of the fall, we as fallen man find ourselves in utter desperation, jumping hurdles and sacrificing all else to get back to that feeling of excitement and sheer "joy", lest that feeling of "There's got to be more than this! What's wrong?" comes back to rear its ugly head. The scariest thing of all of this is that we as man may not even see it happening at all. And for those of us who have studied the passage well (And especially us wanna-be-freakin-awesome theologians and ministry leaders), we assume that this couldn't possibly be us. It's something we preach to our friends but as far as us, nah, wouldn't happen. We use our theology as a defense to avoid sin. We don't realize that though wrath doesn't touch us anymore, just like Israel, in the midst of difficulty, we sometimes would prefer turning back to slavery, to things that we know won't satisfy but are at the moment easier to bear. Though we know that the scriptures say that God put forward Christ as our propitiation (Rom. 3:21-26), we assume that we'd never find ourselves wanting to go back to "God leave me alone." We may never even notice that we're under passive wrath because perhaps we've assumed and equated things such as ministry involvement with freedom in Christ. In the end, it is indeed 100% God's grace that we find ourselves free to chase Him instead of His stuff but it is easy to manipulate beautiful doctrine as sure as this one to justify our sin. Truth is we may be on the border of walking in this yet simultaneously be blind to this altogether. That's what's scary.

It may takes a couple seasons to swallow but sometimes we really don't want what we most wanted. Sometimes the thing we most cried for and prayed for God to give us the most is the very thing that God is too jealous for us to grant. And to be honest I rather hate this season cuz I'm still not letting it go. And it's not just one thing, it's many. I feel like I've done so freakin much "dying to self" that God should give me at least one thing I want. He should have given me at least one thing I wanted. And I can sit here and list every single thing I wanted that God withheld this semester, heck, this month, and in general, my entire college life. And when I'm really weak, I can dig into things like not making basketball team in high school. There's much more I could complain about. Don't get me wrong. I'm in no way some kind of martyr. I'm just saying it hurts and though I did all I could to get a biblical framework lest I started to believe that the God of the universe would grant me this if I did this in His name, I find myself a lot more fragile than my defenses want to admit. I talk about weakness and to be honest I can show it on things such as blogs and even in real life conversations but when it's just me, I don't like to admit how fragile I am, how prone to wander, how much flesh in me chases everything but God. I preach lines like "you can use religion to run away from God. You can use ministry to avoid Him altogether" but God's teaching this wanna-be pharisee again. I hate that I can't seem to let some of these things go. I thought I had been made free from this already.

I don't like learning things over and over again that I thought I had already learned. I particularly don't really want for God to keep teaching me the things I thought I would be teaching others. Not this often. But this is what He's been teaching me for months. It hurts (present tense), but I know it's out of His discipline (Hebrews 12), and not his wrath (Romans 1) that He shows His deep affections for me. And I think that's probably the hardest truth for me to believe sometimes ... That God loves me. Heard it all my life in church but it's still a struggle to believe sometimes ... how great God's affections are for me. I wasn't prepared for a love that beat me up this much but I'm grateful that as the song goes: "He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane, I am a tree, bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy."

For Christians, for those who have been crucified with Christ (Gal. 2:20) and raised to new life and new identity in Him (Eph. 2:4-5), we can be 100%, absolutely confident that we're not under His wrath but under His discipline. That in seasons where it's just plain hard, where life beats the sense of entitlement and invulnerability out of our arrogant college selves, that God's not punishing us for sin but that He already sent His perfect, spotless son Jesus to do that in our place for us already. That at the bloody scene of the cross, the wrath of God, both active and passive was poured out on Jesus Christ FULLY. That none of it touches you and me at all. That every hard season is God's love for you and me, working itself out in discipline, and not his wrath.

For non-Christians, the scriptures are probably offensive to you as they were to me. They say you're dead in your trespasses and sins, a follower of the world and satan (who is at this very moment at work in you), a slave to your flesh and mind, and by nature a child of wrath. That's strictly Ephesians 2:1-3 saying it, not me. My prayer is that Ephesians 2:4 might get you too. Repentance used to look like a clamp and a chain upon my freedom but it wasn't until I was raised with Christ that I saw repentance as a gift to freedom to pursue what I was chasing all my life ... I'm begging you to be reconciled to God through faith in the person of Jesus and what He accomplished at the cross. I tried to tell God "Leave me alone" for so long and it never worked out. I was only "free" to keep chasing the wind. There's so much more for you in Jesus.

Hebrews 12:1-11:

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses (Hebrews 11's "hall of faith,") let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted. In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?

“My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord,
nor be weary when reproved by him.
For the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
and chastises every son whom he receives.”

It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it."

Maybe I can stop complaining and now move on to the "therefore" of verse 13. God thank You that your love for me is a pursuit that has and will continue to ultimately overcome my rebellion. I'm still not totally free from all this but I'm grateful that no matter how far I run, You catch me. You have me. You got me and I'm glad You ain't letting go. Thank You for saving me from myself. Keep it up please Father.