The supposed process to growing up and things we already know.

Somewhere along the lines of slowly transitioning into adulthood, it's like a common code that no one is explicitly verbalizing but is genuinely accepted to be true: The older you get, the more REAL life gets, the more brutal the way things are, the more brutal the way people are ... "Trust yourself above all else, and a few others tops, but watch your back always." At least, this is what I hear in my head.

I want to say that I trust people fairly easily and am one to be trusted but what God's been chipping away at in my pride is that I have this fear that people will disappoint me and end up "abandoning" me to figure out how to grow up on my own. It's just a thing that's there in my heart ... especially when it comes to ministry. I have this fear that despite the fact that I, without a doubt, know that I have friends and family and church family who love me, in the end, it's gonna be me, myself, and me. I don't know the source of this weird thing about me but sometimes I just hear the voice "ya, you know that's true. You know it's gonna get harder post-college. Prepare for it now and deal with it when it comes. Everyone else had to." And sometimes I believe that ... Or at least I find myself living that way.

All that to say, my goodness does my heart incessantly need Jesus to do some repairs. Heh, that's it about that. It's something I struggle with because for real, for real (and you know it got real when i just said it twice lol), most of who I am today, I WANT to take ownership of. Every good thing, every bit of maturity, semblances of Christ-likeness, love and knowledge of the scriptures, etc., I want to say is something I, Jon Lau, have worked for. So on our drive back to waco earlier today, my bro Devin was talking about how God was showing him how much he pitied himself and when crap hits the fan, I always go back to the feeling that I was left myself to figure things out ... From "how does this Christianity thing work?" to "how's a Christian supposed to view dating?" to "how do grow up to be a man?" to "how can I be a better drummer, basketball player, leader for AFC," etc., etc., etc. It's such blatant pride ... And yet it's my refuge in some ways when things get tough or I simply don't get my way. And maybe along the way, I've found that it's a trust issue ... with people yes, but with Jesus more.

It's like somewhere along the lines of becoming a Christian by hearing a gloriously liberating message of what Christ did on the cross and conquering death, you get to a point where "it's on you." Galatians would put it this way: "Having begun by the spirit, are you now being perfected by the flesh?" and we start thinking that any growth we may have is directly predicated on what we can do, how we can do it, and how much will power and fortitude we can muster to execute all those things. It's so quickly a terrible transition from resting in the finished work of Jesus' cross to a lifestyle of self-dependence.

It's hard for me to get (heck I'm so prone to forget by the time I wake up in the mornings) that Christ went to the cross while I was at my worst and that His love doesn't change just because I prove myself inconsistent and shaky at trusting Him. It's a funny, slippery slope ... but just because I know and can articulate these truths doesn't excuse me from trusting in them. What perverse, broken hearts we have to think that an acumen of truth excuses us from application of it.

But ya, just some things that have been on my mind. I find it helps me to type it out and I figure it doesn't hurt for people to let whoever wants to read it to read it.

Summary: I need Jesus. The cross is all I've got. I'm prone to wander into self-dependence, which is the opposite of the gospel. And I'm grateful that Jesus keeps working on me.

*Heh, there's other good things going on life I suppose but I feel these to be most helpful for me to articulate. Peace.*
-Jon