Dear Dad,

Hey dad,

Hope the pre-retirement is going well. Looking forward to seeing you and mom soon ... more than you know :).

Well to be honest dad, I thought about writing what I'm about to say about 6-7 months ago. A number of things have changed since I've moved out here ... not only logistics like living, my church community, and school, but also my processing of who I am ... who I am in Christ. It's been difficult as you guys probably know but I know so convincingly that God has brought me out here for my own sanctification ... for God to give me more of Himself.

And so about 6-7 months ago I went on this retreat for my spiritual formation class in November. Basically it was a nice cabin in the woods retreat where we had time to be silent, reflect, and share our life stories ... specifically in that sharing, we were assigned to share really big/"shaping" moments in our lives, whether they be super difficult seasons, transitionary seasons, etc.

Each sharing took a good half hour plus fifteen minutes of debriefing/prayer for each person and as I heard each story from my group I started to hear a common theme. Whether the person was a church leader, pastor, white, korean, Vietnamese, etc., I started to see a root issue in a lot of their lives: daddy deprivation. It was honestly a little surprising that with each person that shared, there was a a large part of their stories of absent fathers, cheating fathers, abusive fathers, godless fathers. It was a very real moment for me ... to hear so many stories of brokenness not only in the person sharing but in the fathers they were describing.

And as I left that retreat it made me think ... what happens to so many men, called to lead their family, their wife, that causes so much dysfunction and sin? And I know that you know that I'm a big fan of hip hop and the rap genre in general, and there was this song that I heard called "Was it Worth it?" that came on my ipod and it got me pretty emotional hearing yet again another story of a cry of a generation yearning for a hug from their dads. Why it made me feel this way, on the verge of tears, was because I realize how hard it must be to be a father. I can't sit and judge all the men who left, all the men who cheated, all the men who tuned out of their family's lives because when I hear these stories, these songs, I hear how difficult the calling must be. And as I start to think back to my childhood (as a lot of my spiritual formation class has helped me do), it made me realize something about you dad: you were always there. Something always flips me out when I watch/remember those home videos of us in Australia and seeing how you raised me and Chris with mom. And as I recall the difficulties of my adolescent years, how I "shut down" somewhere in middle school and definitely in high school, I remember your pursuit of me as a father for his son ... even when I was the most unreachable and inaccessible, constantly pushing you away. I remember that Strake Jesuit father/son retreat where they forced us to talk to each other lol. And I remember during my college years reading an entry you wrote during that retreat of how hard it was to talk to me because I was so distancing. And as I start to think about "stages" in life, I realize that you were in every one of them, very much present, very much my dad, even if I didn't quite act like your son.

It's been a little ironic nowadays that God has me doing things like preaching, teaching, giving mini-seminars to parents at church on how to raise their kids ... haha. And one thing I notice is that kids really don't give a crap about the parents perspective because they can't even see it until possibly their 20's haha. I recognize that that's how it was for me and to think of how frustrating it must have been all those years has given me more perspective on a lot of things. I know that this may all sound like fluff to you ... because doing what you did is in someway "what dads are supposed to do." But truth is, a lot don't and a lot give up, if not physically, then emotionally (and thus spiritually). But you didn't dad, by the grace of God, you stuck it out, manned up, loved mom, Chris, and me, with a toughness but also with a tenderness that I see as beautifully biblical. We can always talk about mistakes that we've made but honestly, I think my childhood/adolescent/college years had enough of that for the both of us right?

All in all, I can't say much more other than "thanks" ... thanks for fathering me and Chris, for putting in the effort for me especially when I was so unresponsive. I've never doubted your love for me dad ... In some ways I've only learned how much you've loved me more than I thought. And if there's any encouragement, I think that despite all the internal mess in me during those rough years (most of it being self-inflicted), I think you helped me see glimpses of what God the Father felt about me too.

I know usually the dad is supposed to say this to their son, but I want to say that as you're retiring and finally getting to rest from all those years of hard work and endurance (probably feels like "slavery" to you), I wanted to say that as your son "I'm proud of you." I really am. So much so, that I actually like sharing about you to people who don't know you sometimes. I love that your mentality was that education comes from studying more so than innate ability. I love that you became a high school teacher, teaching crazy kids what you've worked hard to master. I admired your discipline to study in your late 50's to pass those tests, get those positions, and have the school recognize you not only as an outstanding teacher, but a fun/lovable man. I brag about your sense of humor to people because I really think you're hilarious. And I hope it doesn't sound too mushy, but I know that God willing, one day I'll brag to my son(s) of the man you were for Chris and me.

Happy Fathers Day Dad. I think I can honestly say that with each year we do this and I say "I love you," I am more equipped to feel greater affection.

Because of Christ,
-Jon