Funny running

I wrote a paper titled "Easier to Run" for a class last semester. The theme is ambiguous enough to relate to all aspects of life really. I just didn't think it'd be directed at me this poignantly.

I admit there are certain areas I'm rock strong at and some areas where I'm as unstable as a house built on sand. I've gotten good at appearing strong when I know where I'm most vulnerable and afraid. There's this one area ... It's a pretty big one where fear reigns instead of Christ. It's ironic really. I know that years from now I'll remember how I feel right now and I'll laugh at my silly attempts to go against God's sovereign will. As for now, I foolishly try to fight it ... Knowing that this summer was going to be the one where I'd let go.

I care a crapload of what people think of me. I hate that about myself. But self-loathing isn't going to get me anywhere.

...

I've been home a week now and I can honestly say that I don't feel "at home." No, that doesn't mean I don't feel welcome or that things are wrong here at my house. My family is just as loving as before. I just don't feel like this is my home. I think the more God increases and I decrease, the more I'll feel like I wasn't made for this world. I can't explain it but this is where I'm at right now. Praise God ... even if it feels I'm the only one going through the storm while everyone plays in the sun.

Yes, I am aware of the key word in the previous sentence. Feelings are so temporary. About a week ago, a girl at REC Week said that one of the greatest pieces of advice she's heard and learned over the years was "Follow your heart." My heart breaks for those who aren't able to discern truth and lie. Our hearts are wicked and they deceive ourselves. They produce feelings that go against all wisdom. We can't follow our hearts. They fluctuate and deceive far too often to trust. We must, with a fiery urgency follow the God who knows our hearts.

Father help us.
-Jon