Matthew 16:26

"For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?"

... One of the first verses I remember coming across when I became a Christian in high school was that stinging rhetorical question. I didn't know much of anything back then ... but something in my soul could connect with these sayings of Jesus ... I couldn't articulate a theology for you at all at the time but I knew that there was something weighty about that simple rhetorical question and my mind could at least articulate that it bore weight for not just church folk, but everyone. Sometimes I forget how short of a time span it's been since being the newly converted Christian ... unsure, confused, but ridiculously excited about this Christianity thing I said "YES!" to. I've stumbled so much to end up where I am today with my faith in who this Jesus is, and what he accomplished and so here I am, not a new convert, but still ignorant (and unfortunately arrogant) and somehow, that verse that I remember underlining 3-4x darker in green highlighter than any of my other spontaneously random highlights in my new adventure kid's bible is coming back ... And what stings is that it's a subtle, gentle reminder when I feel awesome ... Like do you ever have those days where you just have tons of fun? where you spend a good night with good friends and family and food? where you just feel awesome and things just feel ... right ... yet there's something in the corner of your heart that longs for something more? like what frustrates me most about Christianity is that it's even your best days that Jesus goes "there's more to be had. come back home." And by all means I wish I didn't feel this way. I wish I could just sleep easy ... but God loves me enough to whisper that verse ever so gently and piercingly into my ears that don't want to have anything to do with it: "Jon, what will it profit you to gain the whole world and forfeit your soul? What will you give in return for it?" I hate that voice. I wish it'd go away sometimes. Sometimes I wish He'd just leave me alone and let me have my own deal, let me do my own thing and talk to me only when I want help or when we meet for our Sunday appointment. Praise be to His glorious name that His response to my rebellion was the cross.

Today was a great day. It was. The thing that bugs me is that if Jesus, the Jesus of Nazareth as portrayed in the scriptures, that Jesus who was slaughtered and choked on his own blood for a people who cried "Hosanna!" one day and "Crucify him!" the next, if this Jesus who was delivered for our trespasses and overcame the grave for our justification, if this Jesus who freed us from what we couldn't be freed from by the law, if this Jesus is our supreme treasure that no other person or thing comes close to replacing as our supreme treasure, should not the Christian's awesome saturday look different than the guy who doesn't treasure that Jesus at all? This is what frustrates my soul and keeps me up tonight.

"For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?"

[A trend I see amongst Christians my age is the subtle regression of the sufficiency of the Bible, and if you keep peeling back the layers, God, Himself. Sure we'll revere Jesus as Lord and Savior when asked the religious test question, but when it comes to life questions like Why/How/What, we're prone to lose trust that Christianity has any answers whatsoever. The love of God that generations before us (namely our parents' generation) preached so passionately has become something we've grown to distrust as something that holds any weight, power or "relevance" ... especially when we see videos on the internet of the oppression of little kids and disasters that kill thousands of innocent people.]

Not sure if the last paragraph connects with the rest but my mind went there. I'm just wary because I get it ... I get the longing to not have to make everything specifically Christian. It'd be a lot easier and more fun to keep Jesus out of it. But I trust that scripture has a lot more authority than me and what I think. I trust that Jesus knows a lot more about life to the full than I do.

You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God (James 4:4).

-If we're honest, we're more than acquaintances with the world. And if we're f'real honest, I'm terrified at the possibility that that doesn't even phase us at all.

We need You. Father, heal our wicked hearts. For the sake of Your glorious name, heal. Grant repentance in this adulterous guy.