Feeling Cheated Vent ... ?

I find myself asking "why?" to God a lot nowadays. If I'm honest I feel cheated of a lot of things that I not only really really want, but things that I think would grow me. Seeing a lot of my friends get to do all the things I wish I could and constantly having doors shut has taken its toll on me. At first I was okay with it all but year after year, summer after summer, school, school, school. I don't think there's been a time I can remember where I was like "I am angry with You God" and I don't know that this is one of them but I can tell you for sure that I'm frustrated. I think through it all, idolatry is being exposed more and more each day and the teaching that I would always preach to others is now teaching me: "God owes you nothing. Nothing at all. Everything is grace. He owes you nothing." I still feel cheated. I'm straight with my theology. I'm keeping my emotions in check. But all the while, there is this wrestling in me that is frankly frustrated. And in the end, I think I fear that the past will repeat itself again.

And this is where some of the "secret" sins in my heart start to get exposed. Where despite all the teaching I love, rests these thoughts that I didn't know was there ... That I didn't want to know was there. I feel like I've been a humble guy. If that makes me proud, it's because it's true. I care a crapload of what people think and even as I walk the campus, sometimes I wish people would look at me and admire me. I feel like I've done a lot of dying to self in college and service that no one else sees and a large part of me craves the attention. It craves it. I want recognition. I want applause. I want people to say good things of me. And you can Christianize the language of humility all you want and make you look real good. I'm aware of how manipulative I can be. If I say this, talk enough about this, do this, people will really start to think I'm a humble, Godly man. In all honesty, I find myself afraid if I do this. I don't go into things thinking this way butboy, do I know how it could be done.

Out comes my resume ... small group coordinator, exec team leader, the only one of my close friends who stuck through all of college with AFC, the guy with an opinion that people respect, the guy who's been a leader in ministry for 6 straight years, the guy who goes to and spends time in all the events, working at AWANA, helping out at his home church's events, the guy people get advice from, while all at the same time studying his bible, etc. And maybe if I'm honest to myself, I thought that these things somehow ... earned favor with God. And I hate using those specific words because I remember constantly saying to my hearers that no work of our hands can do that ... That to live under that system would make the cross dispensable. I know this theologically and historically yet here I am ... Thinking that somehow, God was supposed to give me this and give me that, provide me with this, and open up doors here because of what I did there. And it's ironic. The talk from the text of Romans 1:18-25 I will give in about 2 weeks is probably going to teach me and read me more than I think it will read "them." Boy do I need grace. I can't believe I started to think that all my "humble service" was supposed to do this and do that for me. What manipulation. What ignorance ... to think i could fool the God who created me and my mind. But ya, this is where I'm at. Having to do battle with Isaiah 64 and a number of texts that show the complete idiocy and futility of doing life this way. I've heard verse 6 so much yet here it is reading me tonight. I don't like this. I wish I didn't have to think about this and repent of my sin. I wish sometimes that this whole thing wouldn't matter to me anymore ... That it didn't win my heart and start to bring to surface the wickedness of my heart. And it's all permeated with irony. I think this is where I was going with the talk/testimony/sermon I'll be giving in 2 weeks. Romans 1:18-25. All my righteous deeds as filthy rags ... That before God, my resume shows more of my filth and depravity than it does my goodness. Thank God for God. Praise His name for sending Jesus to save scribes and pharisees like me. Praise His name for dining with them too.

I'm thankful for the "it is finished"-ness of the cross. Jesus, sometimes when my flesh starts to rise up, I want to ditch this following You thing. I want to give up. It'd be so much easier. I wouldn't have to think about life and hard things. I wouldn't have to wrestle with this whole "dying to self" thing. I wouldn't have to submit to Your lordship and authority. I could just live my life with me at the throne and me choosing what's true and best. I could do whatever I wanted. I wouldn't have to care about any of this "To Your name be the glory" stuff. I could spend my whole life on me. Yet, in spite of all these things, maybe Philippians 1:6 can bring me comfort tonight. Maybe despite my tendency to wander, You're keeping me as your son could win out. I'm a more broken guy than I want to believe. You know this. I'm asking that that gospel, that good news would undo me and sink me and bring me low. I need it. I need that blood-dripped cross. I'm such an ignorant sheep that wants to think he's got it together. Thank You for this process of sanctification. Thank You for loving me. Thank You for how You love me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation o God and uphold me with a willing spirit. May the weight of the gospel crush my pathetic, puny excuse of a resume. I need that grace, that cross to speak over me. I need You Jesus. Keep saving me. I'm a mess. Don't let my pride win out.

(It's weird but I didn't know this stuff was in my heart and as free as I thought the gospel was making me, I feel reluctant to post some of this. I started to think "what will so and so think if they read it?" and "no one would read this long crap anyway" but who knows. I started to question "man this is so loosely written ... just with no filter and I don't think I'd enjoy rereading it in the future" but I don't know right now that I have anything to lose. So if you read this, know that I'm a broken sinner. I've got things in my past that I didn't even know still wound me today. I still need the gospel of Jesus Christ to save me from myself. I need prayer too. I love you and hope the gospel wrecks you too.)
-Jon