Yesterday was my 25th birthday.
I woke up yesterday morning not sure how I was feeling. My dreams lately have had me waking up kind of in a daze but last morning I decided just to pray instead of wallowing in a usual cycle of unhealthy thoughts.
And it took but a few seconds before a flash of the highlights of my first 25 years played as a movie in my mind again. The words I said to God went something like "we've been through a lot God" as I began to sift through all the memories where He's never left my side.
Father you've been the only one who has been with me no matter what. No matter who has left, who was far, where I've moved, You've been the only constant. Every moment of my alternate reality childhood, my shutdown of an adolescence, Your drawing me to Yourself in high school, every single meal I ate by myself in high school, every moment of feeling unknown (like few people really "getting me") and ineffective in college ministry, from the disorientation of these last two years of moving and moving and moving and driving. You've been with me through this year of "sanctifying surgery," especially as I've had to adjust to a whole new life out here in LA of all places.
But as I prayed I realized that this life isn't just "me and God" doing this exile of a life forever. And it's something I've had to learn ever since being saved: Christ reconciles you to God ultimately, but He also reconciles you to people. And I guess this is my prayer for the next 25 years ... That I'll grow strong in grace in the context of deep relationships. The kind that isn't afraid to sharpen, to challenge, to stir up for love and good works. As sweet as it was to have just "me and God" time, I know that ultimately my joy will be full with a heart full of love for His people.
I say "the next 25 years" but I know tomorrow isn't owed. It really isn't. Like literally even though I hardly believe that sometimes. Yet, I guess I'm excited/expectant for what the next 25 might look like, God willing. There's much to learn and grow in but I hope that 50 year old Jon will be infinitely more in awe of his God, laboring in service for the edification of the church and the glory of God going out to the nations. I don't know where we'll be in the next 25. I don't know if I'll have a family or kids. I don't know if I'll still feel like this life is a big exile and grasp for home or if I'll feel it even more strongly. I don't know if I'll be bald or if I'll still be playing basketball ... haha. But I do know that the gospel of Jesus Christ will continue to be powerful and that the gates of hell wont prevail against Christ's bride. I do know that suffering begets glorification. I do know that all who desire to live a godly life will face the dying necessary to live.
But this life really is an adventure. As I look back at my life so far, I realize this to be true. I realize that my story is a reflection of God's story. By grace I see this. I wasn't looking for it. And I guess it's taken me this long to realize that control really is an illusion. My hands and my plans are never in a place of the Sovereign. So after all the tears and reasons why I shouldn't be a pastor, much less a Christian, I'm here still standing. And I'm expectant on what the Spirit might do to extol the name of Jesus to the glory of God the Father. Here's to another 25 Lord. I know You'll carry me when I have no strength. You've proven that these last 25. Love You.
Because of Christ,
-Jon
No comments:
Post a Comment