Laying it out there.

I must have written about this before, but never have I felt so outta place for such a long stretch of time. I'm not talking so much about being outta place in a social setting. I'm just talking about in general. My mind is scattered beyond scattered. Things I used to cling to are no longer as desirable. Home just feels foreign to me still. And I know something's very wretched in my heart but I feel just distant from a lot of the people I've grown up with. We still have a mutual love and care for each other but it's just different now.

I guess what God's doing and working on me of at this season in my life is the lesson that nothing's owed to me. Every breath I breathe is a gift and He's kinda unsubtly telling me to be a good steward of the gift of life with every day I'm here. So there's a certain, intentional urgency going about me right now. And everything is seeming to come my way right now. I'm struggling to balance it all but I'll be fine.

Driving back home from Java Jam just a little while ago, I was thinking to myself in the car that I'm not going to run from this calling God's put on my life. I think I've run from it so persistently and fearfully is because a) what people would think and b) my cowardly fear. I'm not going to be apologetic about my words anymore really. Frankly I'm sick of it. There's enough of that neat and tidy language in the world and in the church as it is. I'm willing to lay my life on the gospel. And I know that this bitterness inside of me of thinking that no one else is stems from a wretched sinful heart. But I think at this season in my life, I've got to come to grips with myself and stop running from the calling I've received.

It's hard. Every night I come off a good night spent with family or friends, and I drive back home by myself, I seem to get these thoughts that incessantly torment me. I thank God for I know this is the Holy Spirit convicting and pulling and tugging at me. It's anything but pretty. But I know this is for His glory and for my good so I'm going to run with it.

The next step for me to take is to get confirmation by talking to a few select, older individuals. Pray for my boldness in that.

God, may I never stray from the gospel. I can't. Help me cling to You God. Nothing else satisfies. No one else fulfills. No other created thing can produce joy. Only You can. Forgive this bitter heart and lead me to repentance Father for I'm such a disgusting sinner. Lead me to the cross. I can't boast in anything else. Help me. Help us.
-Jon